Allosexuals/Alloromantics: your 2 cents would be greatly appreciated

[OpenAce]

5 hours ago, OptimisticPessimist said:

It really comes down to the people involved on what they agree too on things.

Cause QPRs are such a grey area in relationships it really comes down to how each person/oair/group wants it to be- its highly personalised.

E.g. mine would ideally be monogamous, but plenty QPRs arent.

[Guest]

On 2/9/2018 at 1:20 AM, OpenAce said:

(Just to start I'm almost exclusively platonicly attracted to the opposite gender, so maybe try imagining a really close guy friend bringing this up).

For me a QPR would involve: going out places, spending a lot of time together, later in life maybe living together, cuddling, and close emotional support.

For me at least a QPR is very much what allos would consider dating or a romantic relationship, but without the romance. We'd go out on 'dates' for example, but not do romantic things like kissing- its hard to explain... Like a deeper emotional connection than a really good friend, but without the romance and sex.

If it monogamous, yes, I consider QPRs to be of the same commitment to any romantic relationship. For me I'd prefer a monogamous partner, but that could be difficult with a straight partner...

I do know that anything would require a lot of talking over.

As a sexual romantic person I have to say MOST sexual romantic people would not and just could not be okay with this. You'd pretty much be 'just a friend' and their romantic and sexual interests will always be a 'higher' priority in that they'll want to dedicate their life, their time, their monogamy etc, to their romantic sexual partner. The partner may also get very jealous/upset if you hang out with them because the partner will be able to see that your feelings actually do go well beyond 'just friends' (which they have to if you're wanting to spend your life with someone etc).

 

On 2/9/2018 at 1:20 AM, OpenAce said:

for me at least a QPR is very much what allos would consider dating or a romantic relationship,

You seem to have quite a few misconceptions about what sexual 'allos' consider to be a romantic relationship (that's totally understandable but let me clarify here a little!). For us, in a romantic relationship, there is a LOT of very intense, pleasurable, romantic and sexual intimacy and without that it would just feel empty and worthless (in a romantic and sexual sense I mean). It would literally feel no different than hanging out with a casual friend, but one who is somehow expecting us to dedicate our lives to them and make future plans etc. An 'allo'sexual would have to be madly in love with you to even begin to consider that, but at the same time they'd be miserable because they just wouldn't be getting the things they need in a romantic relationship (namely romantic and sexual intimacy.. often a LOT of it especially in the beginning). 

 

You WOULD potentially have a chance with an alloromantic ASEXUAL, as they don't desire many of the things that are integral to intimacy in a romantic relationship (for a sexual person I mean), and I do see that some romantic aces have answered saying they could possibly do it. It's a very, very different story for a romantic sexual person though as sexual intimacy is almost always an integral part of the intimacy and pleasure we experience in our romantic relationships.

 

Have you considered only seeking asexual partners? Or other asexual aromantics like yourself who would also be open to a QPR? A sexual romantic person just wouldn't be capable of giving you what you want long term.

 

On 2/9/2018 at 9:10 AM, OptimisticPessimist said:

I’m in a QPR, they are just as valid, caring and loving as sexual or romantic relationships.

While this may be absolutely true for you, the way most people hear QPRs being described (for example what the OP explained she desires) it's still very, very different from what a romantic sexual person desires in a relationship, ergo a romantic sexual person is just not compatible in any way with an aromantic asexual person who just wants a very, very committed friend-type relationship.

 

When I hear people describing their QPRs as very loving, intimate, and sexual I actually think they have just misunderstood what 'romantic love' actually means, because they don't describe anything different than what any romantic person desires in their relationship. But the vast majority of the time a QPR is described more how the OP described what she's looking for (which for many people is 'just friends' with one friend wanting a very, very high level of dedication that you'd usually only ever reserve for your romantic sexual partner). I totally hope she finds what she wants, I just think she'd be better off looking within the asexual community to find that.