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Allosexuals/Alloromantics: your 2 cents would be greatly appreciated


OpenAce

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So, I have had a squish on a friend for coming up on 2 years. It's the strongest one I've ever had, and I really do love him in my platonic, squishy way... At the moment I'd maybe be interested in looking into some sort of QPR but at a 'dating' level.

Anyway, the one problem is he's straight, and I'm aroace. I've brought up QPRs in conversations before, and explained how i have a squish on him (this was probably about 8-10 months ago) as well as kinda affirming that I still have a squish on him (did so the other week). But he either didnt get it or was just completely disinterested...

 

And I've been having the problem that all of my squishes so far have been towards allo guys, all straight as far as I'm aware.
I know that being in a relationship with a different orientations is challenging, but I guess what I'm asking is: would you ever even consider a QPR with a close aroace friend?

 

Thanks- any response is appreciated.

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Yes, I definitely would. In fact I have one aroace friend who I'd love to be in a QPR with.

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I would, but once I tend to get to know someone as a friend, I personally cannot see myself in any other type of a relationship with them. But I would totally be up for a QPR relationship with an aro ace.

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I would need to know more about what exactly this "QPR" thing entails.  From my perspective, I have the "what separates this from friendship?" standpoint and I guess I would need to be a little clearer on that.

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I would very much consider a QPR with a close aroace friend.

No question there for me.

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32 minutes ago, Flower Boy said:

Yes, I definitely would. In fact I have one aroace friend who I'd love to be in a QPR with.

Same

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4 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

From my perspective, I have the "what separates this from friendship?" standpoint and I guess I would need to be a little clearer on that.

This! 

 

If it was an exclusivity thing, I don't know that I would be able to. Sex isn't high on my list of priorities, but I absolutely need the romantic component. I don't really understand the point of being in a relationship if there isn't at least the occasional, gooey, sappy moment and snuggles on the couch and a whole lot of making out. That connection is really important. I get distressed when it isn't there, so it's not something that would work for me. 

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Galactic Turtle

Eheh. I'm aro-ace but figured I'd submit my two cents anyway. :P 

 

Personally I'm of the opinion that if the word "friendship" wasn't as diminished (in the minds of some significant amount of people) in terms of the value it correlates to then in theory there wouldn't be a need for the term QPR to even exist (in the way I think it was originally defined).

 

That being said, in reality when people talk about QPR's or squishes they can mean one of a thousand different things. Because of this, if one of my friends said they had a squish on me and wanted to be in a QPR, my response would be "what's wrong with friendship?" because despite inserting terms like squish and QPR, it still sounds like to me that they're trying to change the inherent nature of our relationship in a way that I might not be able to properly reciprocate.

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53 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

I would need to know more about what exactly this "QPR" thing entails.  From my perspective, I have the "what separates this from friendship?" standpoint and I guess I would need to be a little clearer on that.

From how I see it, (monogamous) QPRs involve a commitment to one person. It may or may not involve a sexual component to the relationship. It would, by definition, include platonic attraction on both sides. It often would involve the eventuality of sharing a house, for example. I mean, I guess a QPR would just be seen as a romantic relationship to a lot of people, but wherein the people involved don't express their love in a traditional(/stereotypical?) romantic manner. 

 

I really don't know how to describe how I'm thinking of a QPR, and I doubt I'm getting my thoughts across very effectively. I guess, as simply as I could put, for me it would mean a sexual+platonic relationship since I'm aromantic. I would never even think about having a sexual relationship with any of my friends, even less so my closest friends. It would just be wrong to me to think of them in that way. But I believe I'm still fully capable of having a long-term relationship, just never a romantic one. In the way that you normally wouldn't look at dating your friends, but would look elsewhere for a potential partner.

 

I don't know, I'm just rambling now! :P

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I would never even think about having a sexual relationship with any of my friends, even less so my closest friends. It would just be wrong to me to think of them in that way. But I believe I'm still fully capable of having a long-term relationship, just never a romantic one. In the way that you normally wouldn't look at dating your friends, but would look elsewhere for a potential partner.

I guess that's where part of the problem lies for me, because for me as a demiromantic, friends actually ARE the only people I would ever date.

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I don’t know if i could be in a QPR with a romantic/sexual person. I’d be worried all the time about me trying to make sure i don’t put my own desires before theirs given they could end up being hurt on the longer term. I can’t give them the love they’d expect me to give so i’m not sure if i’d go for such a QPR. I currently feel i wouldn’t.

 

 

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I would consider it, but it couldn't be a a monogamous QPR because I'm non-monogamous by nature. (I wouldn't have a monogamous romantic/sexual relationship either, so it's not that I consider QPRs "lesser" - I just don't do monogamy in general.)

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I consider myself romantic but I do think I'd be completely fine in a QPR with someone who is aro/ace and I actually think a QPR would be my ideal relationship... maybe it's because I see very little difference between calling my partner and I 'best friends' vs 'girlfriends'  (and the world 'girlfriends' is almost always co-opted by straight women anyway =_='' ) -- I sometimes wonder if I'm not actually alloromantic, but my feelings of attachment are close enough to be considered romantic that I've never properly noticed.

 

To be fair, I would definitely need the assurance that the relationship was committed/monogamous, and I do think hugs and cuddles are things I would need on a regular basis.. though I personally don't consider those things romantic in all contexts. It just depends on the other person and what they consider to be romantic or not romantic. :/ As long as my partner puts me first in their life, then we can call it a QPR or a romance or whatever, I'm ok with it... I do just like having a life partner of some kind to share life experiences with and to support/be supported by.

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Fantastic Name

Maybe. It really all just depends on the person.

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4 hours ago, OpenAce said:

 would you ever even consider a QPR with a close aroace friend?

  As bad as I feel saying this: no I wouldn't. I have a very close friendship with my roommate/best friend to the point most people presume we are in a sexual relationship and though on paper it seems we'd be a perfect fit there is an essential component missing for both of us when it comes to the possibility of a romantic relationship.  Based on what I've learned about QPR's our relationship fits the bill perfectly just without the title and as far as a friendship goes I couldn't ask for anything better but It doesn't satisfy my need for a romantic relationship. I would never consider a QPR because I am a hyper romantic person and I know I wouldn't be fulfilled romantically in that sort of relationship, I don't want to string someone along and hurt them more by ending a relationship they thought was great when I could spare them the pain and be up front about whats on and off the table.
 

  But that's just me and everyone is a little different so I'm sure there are plenty of fish in the sea who want what you've got ^_^

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Well... I want to love, snuggle, kiss, hug, walk hand in hand, caress and be so myself. I want to share thoughts, intimacy and feelings. I want to have mindblowing sex. This would make me happy. ...and if I were to prioritize a list, thinking of a new relationship. This would be important. 

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5 hours ago, Jayce said:

I don’t know if i could be in a QPR with a romantic/sexual person. I’d be worried all the time about me trying to make sure i don’t put my own desires before theirs given they could end up being hurt on the longer term. I can’t give them the love they’d expect me to give so i’m not sure if i’d go for such a QPR. I currently feel i wouldn’t.

Yeah, this was my main problem in my mind- I dont want them to feel neglected because I know that I cant do romance or sex.

 

And thanks everyone for the honest replies- very helpful :)

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I have to agree with @Chimeric here as well- while a QPR seems perfect as a gray ace, and I actually have a friend I would love a QPR with, I also fear it would become "just a friend" in my mind if there was no romance or physicality whatsoever, and that doesn't mean just sex- if we don't even hold hands I can't imagine I'd ever be able to get them out of this "just a friend" zone in my mind. 

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15 hours ago, Philip027 said:

I guess that's where part of the problem lies for me, because for me as a demiromantic, friends actually ARE the only people I would ever date.

I feel like that's true for the majority of people seeking a QPR.

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32 minutes ago, Baam said:

I feel like that's true for the majority of people seeking a QPR.

I mean, yeah, I'd only consider being in a QPR with someone I already consider a close friend, but being aro I would never 'date' them...

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Hello, OpenAce.

From the sexual’s point of view:

What would such relationships entail? I’m a straight sexual woman, and I’m trying to imagine my reaction if another woman came up to me with such a suggestion. First of all, I’d be confused because I’m unclear about what that is – I know friendship, I know romance, but what is it that you want? What would that require of me?  Would it affect my straight relationships in any way?

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(Just to start I'm almost exclusively platonicly attracted to the opposite gender, so maybe try imagining a really close guy friend bringing this up).

For me a QPR would involve: going out places, spending a lot of time together, later in life maybe living together, cuddling, and close emotional support.

For me at least a QPR is very much what allos would consider dating or a romantic relationship, but without the romance. We'd go out on 'dates' for example, but not do romantic things like kissing- its hard to explain... Like a deeper emotional connection than a really good friend, but without the romance and sex.

29 minutes ago, Lara Black said:

Would it affect my straight relationships in any way?

If it monogamous, yes, I consider QPRs to be of the same commitment to any romantic relationship. For me I'd prefer a monogamous partner, but that could be difficult with a straight partner...

I do know that anything would require a lot of talking over.

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18 minutes ago, OpenAce said:

(Just to start I'm almost exclusively platonicly attracted to the opposite gender, so maybe try imagining a really close guy friend bringing this up).

For me a QPR would involve: going out places, spending a lot of time together, later in life maybe living together, cuddling, and close emotional support.

For me at least a QPR is very much what allos would consider dating or a romantic relationship, but without the romance. We'd go out on 'dates' for example, but not do romantic things like kissing- its hard to explain... Like a deeper emotional connection than a really good friend, but without the romance and sex.

If it monogamous, yes, I consider QPRs to be of the same commitment to any romantic relationship. For me I'd prefer a monogamous partner, but that could be difficult with a straight partner...

I do know that anything would require a lot of talking over.

 

Hm… OK, I get the picture.

That would really depend on my feelings towards that imaginary guy. Basically, my own relationship started that way, but I was (and still am) deeply in love with the guy. And in a while he felt comfortable enough to kiss, make out and do other things. I honestly doubt our relationship would have lasted as long as it did without some forms of physical intimacy.

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2 minutes ago, Lara Black said:

but I was (and still am) deeply in love with the guy.

One, I think, common misconception is that aroaces dont experience love for a partner, I love my squishes and I would love my QPP- It's just going to be a bit different to allo relationships. I love them in a platonic way that I love being with them, and I care about them immensely.

4 minutes ago, Lara Black said:

I honestly doubt our relationship would have lasted as long as it did without some forms of physical intimacy.

Yeah, this would be my main thing-  I can't do physical stuff, I'm completely repulsed, but I'd feel bad if I felt I was stopping my partner from being able to live according to who they are.

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7 minutes ago, OpenAce said:

One, I think, common misconception is that aroaces dont experience love for a partner, I love my squishes and I would love my QPP- It's just going to be a bit different to allo relationships. I love them in a platonic way that I love being with them, and I care about them immensely.

 

It’s not about your feelings – it’s about the partner’s. My point is that to get into a platonic relationship a sexual person needs to be head over heels in love with the ace. Hence the distinction – if it were just my close friend, the answer would still be “No”; if it were a friend that I was secretly in love with, then I might be willing to try it out.

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2 minutes ago, Lara Black said:

It’s not about your feelings – it’s about the partner’s. My point is that to get into a platonic relationship a sexual person needs to be head over heels in love with the ace. Hence the distinction – if it were just my close friend, the answer would still be “No”; if it were a friend that I was secretly in love with, then I might be willing to try it out.

Right, sorry, I forgot I was reading from a hetrosexual perspective.

My bad, I get what you mean now and agree

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity
On 7.2.2018 at 1:40 PM, OpenAce said:

 Would you ever even consider a QPR with a close aroace friend?

 

Thanks- any response is appreciated.

I once tried but had to give up on it. It just didn't work out, even though we did our very best. My feelings and romantic needs just became too strong for her at some point but it might eventually work out for you nevertheless. Everyone's different after all.

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I'm with the others in I don't really get the difference in a friendship and QPR. Or a romantic relationship and QPR, if the QPR has traditionally relationshippy type things (cuddling, kissing, sharing a house, sex, etc). So, I can't answer the question without knowing what it would entail? Would I be agreeing to basically doing everything a relationship would do, but knowing my partner cares for me in a non-romantic way? Would I be agreeing to nothing traditionally romantic, but still lots of cuddles and such? Would I be agreeing to nothing more than hugs? Would it be exclusive, non-exclusive? 

 

Depending on what it involves, the answer changes. 

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