I Rarely Find People "Attractive" and Am Honestly Tormented by It

[IHaveNoIdeaWhat'sHappening]

I rarely find people attractive. I’ll only find someone on the street "attractive" (I think? It's hard to tell) for example around once every 2-3 years. I never find anyone “hot”, as people say. People also always say to me they can look at a person and “find them attractive and start thinking what it’d be like to kiss them etc.” but something like that never happens to me; and I've honestly always felt both jealous of and alienated by it. I’ve also only been fully romantically attracted (though not sexually attracted) to one person in my life when I was a teenager and it’s never happened again. I have also only ever been fully sexually attracted to one other person in my life (also when I was a teenager) and it lasted the interim of my knowing them, I was basic friends with them but hadn’t formed a deep emotional bond with them or anything (so no I’m not demisexual). I have watched porn to masturbate in the past but I never actually found the people in it attractive as it was more just a numb stimulus I used to help myself facilitate a physical release. I’ve had sexual anhedonia (little pleasure from orgasm) ever since I was about 14 I think but that’s kind of a guess as I find it difficult to remember ever not having it. I have someone now (for about a year now) for whom I seem to have an alterous attraction for. I have sex with them out of affection and because I still have a very high physical sex drive to attend to (but a very low libido); and am able to have sex with them because they’re "decent looking enough" to me (which doesn't feel nice to say), but it doesn’t feel anything like the way I felt that one time when I was a teenager so I don’t really consider it "full sexual attraction". I've obviously never explained this to them though (they're unquestionably highly allosexual) as it would probably hurt them and I do care deeply for them.

 

I don't really identify with a sexual orientation 'cause I prefer not to but for the sake of being able to understand it on a nomenclatural level I've thought of "panalterous greysexuality", though I have been very romantically attracted (which took me ages to figure out at the time) to a person once and I have been very sexually attracted to a person once and have no idea what the conditions for the latter were and, as I said, neither has ever happened again (which, as much as I don't like to admit it, deeply saddens me); though I suppose these occurrences don't necessarily negate the term, if I'm understanding it correctly that is. Regardless of labels though, all of this has been such an alien battle for me my entire life, it really hasn’t helped with my depression and has turned me quite bitter about sex-related and attraction-related things in general, though I don’t want to be bitter because it goes against the way I think.
 

My plea basically being:

Would anyone here have even the faintest idea as to what is going on and/or have any advice to offer whatsoever?
Even if not, thank you for taking the time to read 

[noparlpf]

I feel ya, being grey ace can be super frustrating sometimes. I don't necessarily have any advice because individual experiences are different and all that, but talking about your feelings/experiences can help. Something I've been coming to terms with recently is that you can't necessarily change some things so you have to figure out what exactly bothers you and how to be okay with it. Have you considered talking to a therapist? Finding somebody who has any experience with asexuality can be tough but even if you have to introduce the concept to them they might be able to help you figure things out.