Mom of Asexual - advice please

[Telecaster68]

Quote

Parents regularly pull the whole "I just want my kid to be happy" card but they need to be careful about what they actually mean by that.  

Which is exactly what the OP is demonstrably doing here.

 

Caring about someone isn't wanting to know every detail of their life, or trying to control it; it's about wanting to know what you can do to help someone to be happy. That was the issue here.

[Philip027]

I know that.  It still doesn't stop the conversation between mom+grandma from being squicky, and I wanted to warn about that.

[uhtred]

In a sense I think this is simple because I would apply the same advice to anyone:

 

Its OK to have whatever sexual feelings or lack of feelings you have, as long as they aren't directed toward harming other people.

 

You don't need to *decide* how you feel for the rest of your life. Act on how you feel now, and if that changes with time that is OK, and if it doesn't change with time that is OK as well.  Just don't attach such a strong label to yourself that you feel like you should never change.

 

Your sexuality is private from anyone except a potential intimate partner. You don't need to tell people how you feel if you don't want to.

 

For potential intimate partners be honest.  This is absolutely critical.  A huge amount of misery has been caused by  people pretending (or trying) to be something that they are not.  Do not act differently than you feel to get a boyfriend or girlfriend - it will end badly. Wait to find someone who IS compatibly with how you feel. 

[MrDane]

Dear @MomofACE

I am married to an ace woman. We started of as friends. We have three children. Sex was a bit awkward in the beginning before she knew about her aceness. Now it is still an ongoing issue to deal with. Today, sex is a bit like a massage for my sake. I plan to stay with her forever, because I will be miserable without her. We are best friends and love eachother. It can be done. 

[Chimeric]

It's awesome that you're willing to accept your daughter's asexuality, but I think it's also worth mentioning she is only 14. Not being sexually attracted to anyone is still very much within the realm of normal at 14. It may of course be that she knows exactly who she is and that these feelings will never change, and that's awesome, but if she develops sexual attraction as she gets older, that's fine, as well. We've had some folks here who have felt guilty for outgrowing or abandoning the asexual label, and since you're her mother, it'll be important that she knows she can just as easily come out to you as sexual if the time ever comes.

 

Telling someone that they have the freedom to change their mind about this sort of thing comes awfully close to sounding dismissive, and you of course want to avoid doing that, but given that you're here and willing to learn more, I feel like you're probably safe in that regard.

[MomofACE]

20 hours ago, Diamond Ace of Hearts said:

I certainly agree that it seems - how did you put it? - squicky (great word, by the way) if you think about it too much but I also think most parents would make the same comment unless they already knew about asexuality and that it applied to their kid. Mine probably would. In fact I know my Dad has said something similar about my brother because I was there when he said it. He didn't say he hoped he was gay, 'cos that's a whole other thing with my Dad being quite uncomfortable with homosexuality, but he was saying he hoped that my brother's friendship with a woman was something more serious. He didn't state why but the subtext was writ large.

 

At the end of the day, parents want what's best for their kids and most parents' experience will tell them that a loving, sexual relationship is part of what's best. Since barely anyone has heard of asexuality, that's hardly surprising.

 

Attitudes will change over time. Heteronormativity is dieing and people are beginning to realise that alone doesn't mean lonely. The number of people who know what asexuality is will likely remain proportionally small, but the number who - when they hear about it or conceptualise it for themselves - would feel like it's a less desirable outcome will eventually become even smaller. MomofACE is proof, because she is here, learning about her daughter's people because she accepts her for who she is despite that "squicky" comment.

 

Good for you, @MomofACE. You rock.

Thank you. I'm definitely trying. And for myself getting it. The next step is sharing it. We'll get there. Because it is also my daughter's to share.

[MomofACE]

15 hours ago, Thea2 said:

@MomofACE Welcome to AVEN, 

( I wish I had had a caring mother like you).

Maybe you do and maybe you don't. But there are definitely people in your life who you can turn to and depend on. Right?

[MomofACE]

22 hours ago, Galactic Turtle said:

You might find out we've got a pretty diverse crowd here.

 

Some adult aces are married with kids living in the suburbs.

 

Other adult aces are single and not interested in mingling.

 

You've got a range just like everyone else on the planet.

BTW thank you. Your responses have been really great for me.

[MomofACE]

20 hours ago, Shieldmaiden WinterDragon said:

I'd like to say you're a great mother for wanting to understand your daughter more as she came out to you, feel free to look through the forums and I hope you get the answers you're looking for.

Thank you!

[Cobie]

4 hours ago, MomofACE said:

Maybe you do and maybe you don't. But there are definitely people in your life who you can turn to and depend on. Right?

I am happy now. 🌸

[GLRDT]

18 hours ago, uhtred said:

Wait to find someone who IS compatibly with how you feel.

Yes. Thank you. Needed this. I think I've been compromising too much in my past relationships because I enjoy getting close to people in all other ways so I usually am of the mindset sex every now and then is worth it for the rest of the relationship, but I want to start trying things differently.

 

Sorry. I also realize this thread isn't about me, but this spoke to me.

 

Also yes, MomofACE you're doing great!

[James121]

@MomofACE Your daughter is different but she is 14. That is young to be given a label even if  she gave it to herself. Hopefully she will discover who she is over the next 5-6 years. Just be there to support her. You are obviously interested in supporting and loving her as there is no other reason as to why you be here and learning.

[Telecaster68]

Surely it's also important to acknowledge that sexuality can change - or not - during puberty.

[James121]

@Philip027 are you a father? 

[soda59]

On 2/9/2018 at 3:06 AM, Telecaster68 said:

Surely it's also important to acknowledge that sexuality can change - or not - during puberty.

Yes, I have felt asexual ever since I was that age too, and I waited to outgrow it and I didn't (I"m 26 now) , but it's still important to acknowledge that sexuality  can change over time, and especially in the throws of puberty. Some people are 'late bloomers'. But since asexuality fits now it's important to learn about it and accept it, but to not make a huge deal out of it , if it changes.

[anamikanon]

I am not asexual, though I've had asexual "phases" in my life. However, I've done a lot of sex/relationships related counselling/conversation (including professionally) for people of all kinds of ages. 14 is very young to start worrying about your child's sexual future. 

 

This being a site for asexual people and with a large concentration of asexual people, what I say may sound unlikely given the number of people saying they knew they were asexual early on. The thing is, a lot of sexual people too believe themselves to be "asexual" in some way, if their peers have started showing an interest in the opposite sex that they don't feel. However, sexual and sexuality development is a complicated thing and the teenage years are a time of a lot of self-defining. These definitions evolve as we grow older.

 

She may well turn out to be asexual as well. She could also turn out to be something else (we all are something or the other). In my view, the most important thing you can do is listen. What she feels or doesn't feel is her truth. What she chooses to call it is her identity. It really doesn't need to be more complicated than that. It is definitely very very premature to worry about her sexual future. Even if she were hypersexual, it would be too early to project her sexual future.

 

I am sapiosexual and demisexual and I didn't have the foggiest on feeling desire for anyone or even the vaguest interest in sex beyond the biology of it when I hit my periods around 13. It wasn't till I actually connected with someone I really liked and felt attracted to that I felt desire. If my friends were all looking at boys and I wasn't, and I felt a need to find an explanation for it, I'd also have found asexual - it isn't true.

 

It doesn't mean she'll be like this either. Or anything. Right now, all you need to know is that she isn't feeling sexual attraction. If she needs a caring ear, or shoulder, be there for her. It is too early to "do anything about it" even if doing anything were required. Asexuality isn't a disease or a disability that you'd need to do something special for her. If she didn't want sex, you wanting it for her and feeling disappointed would be a loss you'd feel, not her - you can verify this reading around here. Asexuals really don't want the sex and couldn't care less if it weren't in their future.

 

A bigger danger is you grabbing the word and setting it in concrete till it became a label which could lead to her feeling an expectation from you to provide status updates or act congruent to what she said and so on.

 

I would suggest reading up on the word, because she has used it and you'd like to support her, but stop constructing mental scenarios starring her and her asexuality. This isn't your problem to solve - even if it were a problem.