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Mom of Asexual - advice please


MomofACE

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Hi. My daughter came out to me recently as asexual. She's 14. It didn't actually come as a great surprise. My mom, a few years ago, asked if I thought she was a lesbian and I replied, "I hope so because I hope that someone can bring her pleasure through touch.". There is a part of me that is relieved. Teenage sexuality is such a mess and frankly, dangerous. But, the idea that she won't find intimacy later in life makes me sad. Yet, she has friends and is affectionate. She doesn't like to be touched during the day but at bedtime or in the morning will climb into bed and be snuggly. Please, if anyone out there can tell me what this means, I would be so grateful. She's an awesome person and I hate to think that she will be isolated. But, this is all new to me so perhaps I don't understand. I said to her that I feel like my grandmother when she was confronted with my gay cousin! What does asexuality look like as an adult? Thank you!

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Intimacy =/= sex.  Asexuals can still find this, if it's even something that they want in the first place.

 

Try not to be too focused on your kid finding sexual fulfillment, because what you said to your mom about your kid honestly comes off as a little squicky.  I cringed a bit reading it >_>

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Galactic Turtle

Like @Philip027 said, intimacy isn't synonymous with sex. For some people sex can be an intimate thing to do but it is by no means the only thing. Here is a list of examples of non-sexual forms if intimacy.

 

Your daughter not experiencing sexual attraction also doesn't mean she'll live in isolation. She might decide to sit in a cement underground bunker for the rest of her life but that type of decision really has nothing to do with asexuality. :P 

 

There are so many valuable relationships a person can have in life. If she wants to, she can date and experience romantic relationships just like anyone else. She could very well enter into a relationship that involves sex if that's something she's ok with just like anyone else. Besides that there are friends, mentors, or even random people who come and go from our lives in the blink of an eye who make valuable contributions to someone's life experience but in our culture platonic relationships are often seen as comparatively insignificant next to romantic/sexual ones which is simply not true for many people. Where would Harry be without Ron? Frodo without Sam? Sherlock without Watson? Kirk without Spock?

 

While I didn't come out as asexual at 14 (or even know that was an option), my feelings about sex had already formed and are still the same a decade later. The one thing I wish my mom understood back then is that there are so many ways to give and receive love and that love not being sexual in nature by no means diminishes its value. I wish she'd understood how I was coming to terms with my love language instead of continuously forcing her own upon me throughout my entire adolescence and into adulthood.

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6 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Intimacy =/= sex.  Asexuals can still find this, if it's even something that they want in the first place.

^This. A relationship doesn't have to be sexual to be intimate. A relationship can be spiritually, emotionally, or even physically intimate without sex. Just because your daughter is asexual doesn't mean she won't find meaningful relationships or will be alone later in life. It doesn't even necessarily mean that she'll never have a romantic partner or a spouse. It just means that she doesn't experience sexual attraction.

 

Personally, I've never experienced sexual or romantic attraction towards anyone, but that doesn't mean I don't feel love. I know I have family and friends who care deeply about me and who I can trust. I've never felt a need to connect with someone romantically or sexually to be fulfilled, and that's okay.

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37 minutes ago, MomofACE said:

My mom, a few years ago, asked if I thought she was a lesbian and I replied, "I hope so because I hope that someone can bring her pleasure through touch.".

I believe Philip027 meant this sounds kind of gross.

 

I'm almost 30. I first called myself asexual when I was 14, before I knew this site existed or that anyone else was asexual, I truly thought I was alone. And to be honest, if my parents - or anyone else, really - said something like this, it would offend me. I don't care about "pleasure". What does "pleasure" have anything to do with love? It doesn't, for me. 

 

I also find this sad, though not unexpected, that you would hope she's anything but asexual. Like, oh, if she's not straight, well I hope she's gay, at least. Like being asexual is like the worst sexual identity anyone could ever have, like being this way is somehow intrinsically incomplete or inferior. 

 

37 minutes ago, MomofACE said:

What does asexuality look like as an adult?

I'm not sure how you mean. What is it like being an adult who's asexual? Or what does asexuality look like objectively?

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Galactic Turtle
42 minutes ago, MomofACE said:

What does asexuality look like as an adult?

You might find out we've got a pretty diverse crowd here.

 

Some adult aces are married with kids living in the suburbs.

 

Other adult aces are single and not interested in mingling.

 

You've got a range just like everyone else on the planet.

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17 minutes ago, Galactic Turtle said:

Like @Philip027 said, intimacy isn't synonymous with sex. For some people sex can be an intimate thing to do but it is by no means the only thing. Here is a list of examples of non-sexual forms if intimacy.

 

Your daughter not experiencing sexual attraction also doesn't mean she'll live in isolation. She might decide to sit in a cement underground bunker for the rest of her life but that type of decision really has nothing to do with asexuality. :P 

 

There are so many valuable relationships a person can have in life. If she wants to, she can date and experience romantic relationships just like anyone else. She could very well enter into a relationship that involves sex if that's something she's ok with just like anyone else. Besides that there are friends, mentors, or even random people who come and go from our lives in the blink of an eye who make valuable contributions to someone's life experience but in our culture platonic relationships are often seen as comparatively insignificant next to romantic/sexual ones which is simply not true for many people. Where would Harry be without Ron? Frodo without Sam? Sherlock without Watson? Kirk without Spock?

 

While I didn't come out as asexual at 14 (or even know that was an option), my feelings about sex had already formed and are still the same a decade later. The one thing I wish my mom understood back then is that there are so many ways to give and receive love and that love not being sexual in nature by no means diminishes its value. I wish she'd understood how I was coming to terms with my love language instead of continuously forcing her own upon me throughout my entire adolescence and into adulthood.

Thank you! This is really helpful. I love her so much and asexuality is a very new thing so I just didn't really understand it. Again, this is so unbelievably helpful to me. Thank you so much!

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13 minutes ago, Palovana said:

I believe Philip027 meant this sounds kind of gross.

 

I'm almost 30. I first called myself asexual when I was 14, before I knew this site existed or that anyone else was asexual, I truly thought I was alone. And to be honest, if my parents - or anyone else, really - said something like this, it would offend me. I don't care about "pleasure". What does "pleasure" have anything to do with love? It doesn't, for me. 

 

I also find this sad, though not unexpected, that you would hope she's anything but asexual. Like, oh, if she's not straight, well I hope she's gay, at least. Like being asexual is like the worst sexual identity anyone could ever have, like being this way is somehow intrinsically incomplete or inferior. 

 

I'm not sure how you mean. What is it like being an adult who's asexual? Or what does asexuality look like objectively?

Please don't take what I said the wrong way. I'm talking from a place of someone who loves sex. And from a place of someone who is just learning about asexuality. I love my daughter unconditionally and am just on this site - at her suggestion - to learn more. As I said, I don't mean to be offensive. I'm learning. 

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22 minutes ago, bkrdragon94 said:

^This. A relationship doesn't have to be sexual to be intimate. A relationship can be spiritually, emotionally, or even physically intimate without sex. Just because your daughter is asexual doesn't mean she won't find meaningful relationships or will be alone later in life. It doesn't even necessarily mean that she'll never have a romantic partner or a spouse. It just means that she doesn't experience sexual attraction.

 

Personally, I've never experienced sexual or romantic attraction towards anyone, but that doesn't mean I don't feel love. I know I have family and friends who care deeply about me and who I can trust. I've never felt a need to connect with someone romantically or sexually to be fulfilled, and that's okay.

Thank you. I know my daughter feels loved or she wouldn't have come out and felt comfortable. I am relieved to hear that you are happy and secure. Thank you for replying. It really means a lot to me as I begin to wrap my head around this. 

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25 minutes ago, Palovana said:

I believe Philip027 meant this sounds kind of gross.

 

I'm almost 30. I first called myself asexual when I was 14, before I knew this site existed or that anyone else was asexual, I truly thought I was alone. And to be honest, if my parents - or anyone else, really - said something like this, it would offend me. I don't care about "pleasure". What does "pleasure" have anything to do with love? It doesn't, for me. 

 

I also find this sad, though not unexpected, that you would hope she's anything but asexual. Like, oh, if she's not straight, well I hope she's gay, at least. Like being asexual is like the worst sexual identity anyone could ever have, like being this way is somehow intrinsically incomplete or inferior. 

 

I'm not sure how you mean. What is it like being an adult who's asexual? Or what does asexuality look like objectively?

Again, I really am not trying to be offensive. I'm just trying to figure this out. My 14 year old came out to me. which is awesome because she trusts me and I love her to death. If I am awkward in my questions, I apologize but this is very new to me and I am trying to figure it out. Rather, I am going to figure it out and embrace it but I need some help which is why I came to this forum. Galactic Turtle was really helpful in giving me facts about live as an asexual. I love my kid. I want her to be happy. And, this is something new that I need to learn about to support her. That's why I'm here.

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13 minutes ago, MomofACE said:

Please don't take what I said the wrong way. I'm talking from a place of someone who loves sex. And from a place of someone who is just learning about asexuality. I love my daughter unconditionally and am just on this site - at her suggestion - to learn more. As I said, I don't mean to be offensive. I'm learning. 

Just the fact that you're willing to learn about asexuality is a huge step. I know that I, and others here, have dealt with people who don't accept our asexuality for what it is. I personally have had people try to discount my asexuality by suggesting that I just haven't met the right person yet, or that I'm broken somehow, or that I'll understand "when I'm older." I've had people tell me to my face that I'm lying or that I'm just making it all up for attention. The fact that you're not trying to explain away your daughter's asexuality and that you're actively trying to learn more about it and support her in it means a lot.

 

10 minutes ago, MomofACE said:

I love my kid. I want her to be happy. And, this is something new that I need to learn about to support her. That's why I'm here.

Exactly. :)

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I don't know what squicky is. Can you tell me? And I do not want to be offensive. I just want to learn and understand.

Gross.  Like, I would find it really weird for my own parent to be invested enough into my personal life to make a comment like that (to another family member, no less), and I think most other kids would too.

 

I can tell you mean well, but just letting you know how this sort of thing comes across.

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2 minutes ago, bkrdragon94 said:

Just the fact that you're willing to learn about asexuality is a huge step. I know that I, and others here, have dealt with people who don't accept our asexuality for what it is. I personally have had people try to discount my asexuality by suggesting that I just haven't met the right person yet, or that I'm broken somehow, or that I'll understand "when I'm older." I've had people tell me to my face that I'm lying or that I'm just making it all up for attention. The fact that you're not trying to explain away your daughter's asexuality and that you're actively trying to learn more about it and support her in it means a lot.

 

Exactly. :)

 

2 minutes ago, bkrdragon94 said:

Just the fact that you're willing to learn about asexuality is a huge step. I know that I, and others here, have dealt with people who don't accept our asexuality for what it is. I personally have had people try to discount my asexuality by suggesting that I just haven't met the right person yet, or that I'm broken somehow, or that I'll understand "when I'm older." I've had people tell me to my face that I'm lying or that I'm just making it all up for attention. The fact that you're not trying to explain away your daughter's asexuality and that you're actively trying to learn more about it and support her in it means a lot.

 

Exactly. :)

Thank you. I'm trying. I haven't told her dad yet. But we'll get there. It is just a very new concept but doesn't change who she is or how I think about her so we'll move through it. Thank you so much for replying. I truly truly appreciate it. 

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2 minutes ago, MomofACE said:

Again, I really am not trying to be offensive. I'm just trying to figure this out. My 14 year old came out to me. which is awesome because she trusts me and I love her to death. If I am awkward in my questions, I apologize but this is very new to me and I am trying to figure it out. Rather, I am going to figure it out and embrace it but I need some help which is why I came to this forum. Galactic Turtle was really helpful in giving me facts about live as an asexual. I love my kid. I want her to be happy. And, this is something new that I need to learn about to support her. That's why I'm here.

Sorry if my reply came off like I was angry. I think it's good that you're trying to understand. I wish more people would be interested in really trying to understand their children.

 

If you're looking for advice on how to talk with her about being asexual, I would certainly avoid any comments that sound dismissive or disbelieving - things like "maybe you'll change your mind when you're older" or "maybe you'll feel differently when you're in love". My parents said things like this to me all the time. It was so extremely invalidating, and now I'm no longer on speaking terms with my mother, and I only speak to my father once in a while, because I am completely fed up with them trying to ram their beliefs about who I should be down my throat, rather than accepting me and respecting me for who I am.

 

I would also encourage your daughter to stick to her guns. Tell her that no one can define who she is, except herself. People will likely tell her throughout her life that there's "no such thing as an asexual person" or that she's broken or sick or incapable of love or some other ignorant, discriminatory nonsense. I can only speak from my experience, but listening to that bullcrap for more than a decade led me to staying in a sexually abusive relationship with a heterosexual guy for almost 5 years who was hellbent on "turning me straight" because I had so thoroughly internalized this belief that because I didn't want sex, I was worthless, and that if I tried to force myself to have sex enough times, it would make me want it. And guess what? I still don't want it, and now I can't trust anyone either, because I was treated like an inanimate sex toy and then abandoned by someone who claimed to love me, all because I didn't want sex. Maybe that could have been avoided, had someone told me when I was younger, "it's okay to be asexual, there's nothing wrong with that, you're not sick or broken, you have just as much value as anyone else, your feelings are just as important as anyone else's, your relationship needs are just as important, etc.".

 

So yeah, I would say that it's certainly important to believe your daughter when she says she's asexual, and to never challenge her or dismiss her feelings, but rather to fully accept who she is and how she feels, even if it's something you yourself might not be able to relate to or understand.

 

 

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2 minutes ago, Palovana said:

Sorry if my reply came off like I was angry. I think it's good that you're trying to understand. I wish more people would be interested in really trying to understand their children.

 

If you're looking for advice on how to talk with her about being asexual, I would certainly avoid any comments that sound dismissive or disbelieving - things like "maybe you'll change your mind when you're older" or "maybe you'll feel differently when you're in love". My parents said things like this to me all the time. It was so extremely invalidating, and now I'm no longer on speaking terms with my mother, and I only speak to my father once in a while, because I am completely fed up with them trying to ram their beliefs about who I should be down my throat, rather than accepting me and respecting me for who I am.

 

I would also encourage your daughter to stick to her guns. Tell her that no one can define who she is, except herself. People will likely tell her throughout her life that there's "no such thing as an asexual person" or that she's broken or sick or incapable of love or some other ignorant, discriminatory nonsense. I can only speak from my experience, but listening to that bullcrap for more than a decade led me to staying in a sexually abusive relationship with a heterosexual guy for almost 5 years who was hellbent on "turning me straight" because I had so thoroughly internalized this belief that because I didn't want sex, I was worthless, and that if I tried to force myself to have sex enough times, it would make me want it. And guess what? I still don't want it, and now I can't trust anyone either, because I was treated like an inanimate sex toy and then abandoned by someone who claimed to love me, all because I didn't want sex. Maybe that could have been avoided, had someone told me when I was younger, "it's okay to be asexual, there's nothing wrong with that, you're not sick or broken, you have just as much value as anyone else, your feelings are just as important as anyone else's, your relationship needs are just as important, etc.".

 

So yeah, I would say that it's certainly important to believe your daughter when she says she's asexual, and to never challenge her or dismiss her feelings, but rather to fully accept who she is and how she feels, even if it's something you yourself might not be able to relate to or understand.

 

 

Thank you for your heartfelt and honest reply. I think I came off the wrong way in my original post. I didn't mean to say that I thought my girl was broken because she wasn't interested in sex. In the replies tonight, what I've realized is that I didn't get it. Even when she told me she was asexual. I LOVE sex. So it was hard for me to understand where she was coming from even though I really did know - in my bones - that she didn't have that sexual impulse. That was actually kind of hard to type. I have known. Because I love my daughter and know her so well. My initial post - when I talked about hoping she was a lesbian, I did hope that but also knew it would not be true. I am grateful that she knows who she is. And found her truth at the age of 14.

 

I am so sorry for what you went through. You are the forefront, the vanguard of a new sexual orientation. Thank you for sharing your story with me. love

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^_^ Hello. I just wanted to commend you on wanting to understand your daughter and her asexuality, as not all parents take an interest or are supportive of their LGBT+ children.

 

From what you said, your daughter seems to be happy with her friends.

 

AVEN founder, David Jay, gave a presentation about asexual relationships. In addition to the other links you were given, perhaps it might also help aid you in understanding it. :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLI09O8bMkU

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Diamond Ace of Hearts
1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

Gross.  Like, I would find it really weird for my own parent to be invested enough into my personal life to make a comment like that (to another family member, no less), and I think most other kids would too.

 

I can tell you mean well, but just letting you know how this sort of thing comes across.

I certainly agree that it seems - how did you put it? - squicky (great word, by the way) if you think about it too much but I also think most parents would make the same comment unless they already knew about asexuality and that it applied to their kid. Mine probably would. In fact I know my Dad has said something similar about my brother because I was there when he said it. He didn't say he hoped he was gay, 'cos that's a whole other thing with my Dad being quite uncomfortable with homosexuality, but he was saying he hoped that my brother's friendship with a woman was something more serious. He didn't state why but the subtext was writ large.

 

At the end of the day, parents want what's best for their kids and most parents' experience will tell them that a loving, sexual relationship is part of what's best. Since barely anyone has heard of asexuality, that's hardly surprising.

 

Attitudes will change over time. Heteronormativity is dieing and people are beginning to realise that alone doesn't mean lonely. The number of people who know what asexuality is will likely remain proportionally small, but the number who - when they hear about it or conceptualise it for themselves - would feel like it's a less desirable outcome will eventually become even smaller. MomofACE is proof, because she is here, learning about her daughter's people because she accepts her for who she is despite that "squicky" comment.

 

Good for you, @MomofACE. You rock.

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SithAzathoth WinterDragon

I'd like to say you're a great mother for wanting to understand your daughter more as she came out to you, feel free to look through the forums and I hope you get the answers you're looking for.

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4 hours ago, MomofACE said:

But, the idea that she won't find intimacy later in life makes me sad

She doesn't want physical intimacy so you don't have to be sad or sorry for her. Why do parents of asexuals always feel bad for them ? Like they are missing out on something ?? We DON'T want that something !!! We are perfectly happy just the way we are !!! 

 

4 hours ago, MomofACE said:

She's an awesome person and I hate to think that she will be isolated.

You don't have to worry about her being alone. Plenty of asexuals are married or in relationships. Some are even in relationships with other sexuals. Asexuals can still fall in love and have a family. All we need is an understanding partner !!!

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I certainly agree that it seems - how did you put it? - squicky (great word, by the way) if you think about it too much but I also think most parents would make the same comment unless they already knew about asexuality and that it applied to their kid. Mine probably would.

Doesn't stop it from being squicky, unfortunately.  Especially when discussed with your own grandmother.

 

There is a line between wanting what's best for your kids and wanting what YOU would want best for your kids (aka: projection), and this sort of thing skirts that line.

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42 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Doesn't stop it from being squicky, unfortunately.  Especially when discussed with your own grandmother.

 

There is a line between wanting what's best for your kids and wanting what YOU would want best for your kids (aka: projection), and this sort of thing skirts that line.

My reading wasn't that the OP wanted to interfere or know the details, more that as a parent, she cares about their child's happiness, and to sexuals, the idea that not having sex as part of a relationship makes you happier than having sex is very, very hard to get your head round. She was sad because to her missing out on sex would seem like something her daughter would be sad about and almost no parents want their child to be sad, but she's understood from subsequent posts why this isn't necessarily the case. Wanting you child to be happy is most definitely not 'squicky'.

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Doesn't change anything I said.  I suggest reading it again more closely.

 

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She was sad because to her missing out on sex would seem like something her daughter would be sad about and almost no parents want their child to be sad,

You're more or less reinforcing my own point.  It's not about what would make the kid happy anymore, it's about what YOU think would make the kid happy.  This is projection and it has the capacity to fuck up a lot of kids if it's not checked.  I would know, because I'm one of those kids.

 

That combined with the fact that it's two family members discussing another one's sex life is what makes it squicky.

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She was asking people who know about asexuality what the best thing to do was so she's exactly not projecting when it comes to talking to her daughter. 

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She was asking people who know about asexuality what the best thing to do was so she's exactly not projecting when it comes to talking to her daughter. 

And that's why I can tell that she at least means well, and said as much.  I really only intended this as a warning.

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 I would find it really weird for my own parent to be invested enough into my personal life to make a comment like that 

The bit that bothered me was this. It seemed to indicate you find a parent invested in their child's happiness is weird and squicky.

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Thing is, you're not actually being invested in their happiness, you're being invested in their personal life (because it's what would make YOU happy).  It's called a personal life for a reason.

 

Parents regularly pull the whole "I just want my kid to be happy" card but they need to be careful about what they actually mean by that.  A lot of times they aren't actually taking into account what would make the kid happy, just what they THINK would make them happy.

 

And sorry, but parents/family invested in your sex/personal life (especially when you're still underage) is always going to be squicky on some level.  That's just the way it is, and I know I'm not alone on that.

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