Wanting to "lash out"

[Gleep]

1 minute ago, roland.o said:

I'm not so sure about the second part ;-) Not physically, of course. But maybe you could spend some more time just talking to dear friends, until he admits there's something that needs to change.

You don't hit someone you love. Apes hit. Humans verbalize. It might be screeching an unbroken paragraph of curse words, but have enough respect for yourself to not be a shit slinging monkey.

 

This isn't something that is shared with anybody. I'm only able to talk about it here because there's zero chance of ever meeting a single soul from here. Can you imagine the betrayal he would feel? Can you imagine being married to a woman that is sitting and gossiping with her friends about what your brain would twist it into? "He doesn't want sex" would get translated by the paranoia into our heads as "The dickless wonder" and so much worse. How much damage would it do to the relationship?

[roland.o]

I wasn't suggesting you talk about him with friends. Just socialize, like in the situation you described in this thread, and give him more chances to realize and admit that he's jealous about it. Never mind, it was just an idea.

[Gleep]

3 minutes ago, roland.o said:

I wasn't suggesting you talk about him with friends. Just socialize, like in the situation you described in this thread, and give him more chances to realize and admit that he's jealous about it. Never mind, it was just an idea.

You're perfectly fine. Stop that.

[Guest]

10 hours ago, Gleep said:

You don't hit someone you love. Apes hit. Humans verbalize. It might be screeching an unbroken paragraph of curse words, but have enough respect for yourself to not be a shit slinging monkey.

 

This isn't something that is shared with anybody. I'm only able to talk about it here because there's zero chance of ever meeting a single soul from here. Can you imagine the betrayal he would feel? Can you imagine being married to a woman that is sitting and gossiping with her friends about what your brain would twist it into? "He doesn't want sex" would get translated by the paranoia into our heads as "The dickless wonder" and so much worse. How much damage would it do to the relationship?

Aren't massive amounts of damage already happening to the relationship if you're feeling angry enough that you want to hurt him to try to show him how much he's hurting you? 

 

Regardless of whether or not you talk to other people about these issues, it seems the relationship is already incredibly damaged if it's got to this point where you're actually wishing harm upon him.

 

However, even if he started pretending to desire you in an attempt to make you happy, would that really make *you* happy? He obviously can't turn 'on' those feelings for real so would only ever be able to pretend, and could you truly be happy, satisfied, or even comfortable with that? I know I couldn't.

 

Is there any way you could be each other's best friend (as you're compatible in many other ways) but move into a situation where you can both find someone else who will make you happy intimately (which would be sex for you, no sex for him)?

[Sally]

50 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

However, even if he started pretending to desire you in an attempt to make you happy, would that really make *you* happy? He obviously can't turn on those feelings for real so would only ever have to pretend, and could you truly be happy, satisfied, or even comfortable with that? I know I couldn't. Is there any way you could be each other's best friend (as you're compatible in many other ways) but move into a situation where you can both find someone else who will make you happy intimately (which would be sex for you, no sex for him)?

Yes.   What's the point in wanting something from him that he can't give?   As loving friends, you wouldn't have to do that.  

[Gleep]

12 hours ago, Sally said:

Yes.   What's the point in wanting something from him that he can't give?   As loving friends, you wouldn't have to do that.  

 

13 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

Aren't massive amounts of damage already happening to the relationship if you're feeling angry enough that you want to hurt him to try to show him how much he's hurting you? 

 

Regardless of whether or not you talk to other people about these issues, it seems the relationship is already incredibly damaged if it's got to this point where you're actually wishing harm upon him.

 

However, even if he started pretending to desire you in an attempt to make you happy, would that really make *you* happy? He obviously can't turn 'on' those feelings for real so would only ever be able to pretend, and could you truly be happy, satisfied, or even comfortable with that? I know I couldn't.

 

Is there any way you could be each other's best friend (as you're compatible in many other ways) but move into a situation where you can both find someone else who will make you happy intimately (which would be sex for you, no sex for him)?

I saw this when you posted it and have been trying to give you an answer other than no. I actually read a lot of what you post and you're absolutely awesome in my book so I didn't want to just say No without Why. I lurk a LOT more than I post and you're one of the people I follow. ... sorry if that comes across kinda creepy

 

There's a lot of backstory I haven't gone into on here. There's more mutual trust, more of "the two of us against the world". It's not just the hobbies and interests... it's not just that we've walked through hell for years together dealing with stuff that normally destroys marriages. It's not just that I sacrificed the life that I had built and my inheritance and connections to my family to be with him... and have never doubted that I did the right thing for one second. It would simply destroy both of us to not have each other. Simple as that. He NEEDS touch... and sometimes I think that I've ruined his sex drive for him.

 

We all have issues and I've got my fair share of baggage. I'll get in one of my dark phases where depression takes over and NOTHING can break through and I'm hard to deal with. I'm excellent at keeping up the mask of "Everything is fine" to outsiders, but I get really, really dark. I start tearing into myself with all the abusive things from my childhood and from my first marriage... doing a damn good job of shredding every ounce of self esteem. And the worse it gets, the darker I get, the meaner the barbs get. He can snap me out of it but it takes a lot of work and isn't easy. But when I get like that, I push everything and everyone away. He's just as fragile as I am, and pushing him away accumulates.

 

I did this. But neither one of us can imagine life without the other by our side. So, no. I can't just go get the intimacy I need from anybody. It's not that simple. He's my angel. I want him.

[Kai99]

10 hours ago, Gleep said:

 

I saw this when you posted it and have been trying to give you an answer other than no. I actually read a lot of what you post and you're absolutely awesome in my book so I didn't want to just say No without Why. I lurk a LOT more than I post and you're one of the people I follow. ... sorry if that comes across kinda creepy

 

There's a lot of backstory I haven't gone into on here. There's more mutual trust, more of "the two of us against the world". It's not just the hobbies and interests... it's not just that we've walked through hell for years together dealing with stuff that normally destroys marriages. It's not just that I sacrificed the life that I had built and my inheritance and connections to my family to be with him... and have never doubted that I did the right thing for one second. It would simply destroy both of us to not have each other. Simple as that. He NEEDS touch... and sometimes I think that I've ruined his sex drive for him.

 

We all have issues and I've got my fair share of baggage. I'll get in one of my dark phases where depression takes over and NOTHING can break through and I'm hard to deal with. I'm excellent at keeping up the mask of "Everything is fine" to outsiders, but I get really, really dark. I start tearing into myself with all the abusive things from my childhood and from my first marriage... doing a damn good job of shredding every ounce of self esteem. And the worse it gets, the darker I get, the meaner the barbs get. He can snap me out of it but it takes a lot of work and isn't easy. But when I get like that, I push everything and everyone away. He's just as fragile as I am, and pushing him away accumulates.

 

I did this. But neither one of us can imagine life without the other by our side. So, no. I can't just go get the intimacy I need from anybody. It's not that simple. He's my angel. I want him.

 

This is hard. Since you've already talk so much with him about it, he should know how important sex is. He is choosing to not go through with it, despite knowing how you feel. The guy must really hate having sex to constantly deny it to you. It seems like he made up his mind already. The only thing I can suggest is to ease off the pressure of sex by telling him he needs to try to have good sex once a month on insert-day-you-both-decided. Tell him you will only expect sex on that day, and that for the rest of the other days, you wont ever ask for sex. 

[Gleep]

11 hours ago, Kai99 said:

 

This is hard. Since you've already talk so much with him about it, he should know how important sex is. He is choosing to not go through with it, despite knowing how you feel. The guy must really hate having sex to constantly deny it to you. It seems like he made up his mind already. The only thing I can suggest is to ease off the pressure of sex by telling him he needs to try to have good sex once a month on insert-day-you-both-decided. Tell him you will only expect sex on that day, and that for the rest of the other days, you wont ever ask for sex. 

That was the agreement for years. Worked extremely well. Then we had an extremely shitty year and that changed. Last year was HARD. One of our quad passed away unexpectedly and I had some major health issues that left me not well for months, then we went through a few months of severe money issues.

 

Just a really horrid year killed things.  I am feeling better... even if dragging butt this morning. We sat up and talked until past midnight.

[Kai99]

11 hours ago, Gleep said:

That was the agreement for years. Worked extremely well. Then we had an extremely shitty year and that changed. Last year was HARD. One of our quad passed away unexpectedly and I had some major health issues that left me not well for months, then we went through a few months of severe money issues.

 

Just a really horrid year killed things.  I am feeling better... even if dragging butt this morning. We sat up and talked until past midnight.

Well if it worked before than hopefully you both can get back to that schedule. I can understand why a bad year could make someone go from attempting to shutting it off completely. As someone who also had a bad year, your tolerance is short for a lot of activities you use to do.

[Guest]

On 2/9/2018 at 5:41 AM, Gleep said:

 

I saw this when you posted it and have been trying to give you an answer other than no. I actually read a lot of what you post and you're absolutely awesome in my book so I didn't want to just say No without Why. I lurk a LOT more than I post and you're one of the people I follow. ... sorry if that comes across kinda creepy

 

There's a lot of backstory I haven't gone into on here. There's more mutual trust, more of "the two of us against the world". It's not just the hobbies and interests... it's not just that we've walked through hell for years together dealing with stuff that normally destroys marriages. It's not just that I sacrificed the life that I had built and my inheritance and connections to my family to be with him... and have never doubted that I did the right thing for one second. It would simply destroy both of us to not have each other. Simple as that. He NEEDS touch... and sometimes I think that I've ruined his sex drive for him.

 

We all have issues and I've got my fair share of baggage. I'll get in one of my dark phases where depression takes over and NOTHING can break through and I'm hard to deal with. I'm excellent at keeping up the mask of "Everything is fine" to outsiders, but I get really, really dark. I start tearing into myself with all the abusive things from my childhood and from my first marriage... doing a damn good job of shredding every ounce of self esteem. And the worse it gets, the darker I get, the meaner the barbs get. He can snap me out of it but it takes a lot of work and isn't easy. But when I get like that, I push everything and everyone away. He's just as fragile as I am, and pushing him away accumulates.

 

I did this. But neither one of us can imagine life without the other by our side. So, no. I can't just go get the intimacy I need from anybody. It's not that simple. He's my angel. I want him.

I can see the issue here. I do have a couple of suggestions but they're, er, 'alternative' 'new age' type stuff, so unless you're already open to that sort of thing I won't mention the techniques here as it would probably just annoy you! I do believe that if I was in your situation, I would turn to some of those more 'modern spiritual' methods of possibly healing the issue, or at least to help ease the pain inside that I'd be experiencing as a result of this situation. I've tried these methods for quite a few things in my life with a lot of success (I even managed to become completely pain-free within a few days after a traumatic break-up whereas normally in the past, I would have become suicidal for weeks or even months in that exact same situation. I also got the guy back in the exact way that worked best for both of us, but that's a totally different topic!). There are some techniques that can be very beneficial to ease emotional pain or even sometimes completely resolve relationship issues, but they often don't really work unless one is already open to the process!!

[Marlow1]

14 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

I can see the issue here. I do have a couple of suggestions but they're, er, 'alternative' 'new age' type stuff, so unless you're already open to that sort of thing I won't mention the techniques here as it would probably just annoy you! I do believe that if I was in your situation, I would turn to some of those more 'modern spiritual' methods of possibly healing the issue, or at least to help ease the pain inside that I'd be experiencing as a result of this situation. I've tried these methods for quite a few things in my life with a lot of success (I even managed to become completely pain-free within a few days after a traumatic break-up whereas normally in the past, I would have become suicidal for weeks or even months in that exact same situation. I also got the guy back in the exact way that worked best for both of us, but that's a totally different topic!). There are some techniques that can be very beneficial to ease emotional pain or even sometimes completely resolve relationship issues, but they often don't really work unless one is already open to the process!!

This is the path my partner and I have gone down, and yes this is healing our relationship. I am Demisexual and I have Aphantasia, the latter is playing a big role in things too! My partner is Hypersexual, and in need of high levels of romance, sensuality, emotional, intellectual connection etc. A lot of this is just normal but some of the things going on for my partner are related to Complex PTSD too. Relationship Therapy has been the answer but it is hard work and requires time and effort.

 

It can be hard to share fully what we are now doing to sort our relationship out. Some things can sound corny or even insulting unless folk are open in the way you are describing......

 

In our situation both of us had to hit rock bottom and there was no way out of the viscious circles these conditions, that I have mentioned above, had lead us into.

 

We were both at breaking point, both at the end if the line but we loved each other!!

 

The next thing that would have happened for sure would have been at least one of us would have become seriously poorly if we had not together reached out 

 

If anybody is interested in how we are working things out, some of my previous posts include some details of it. You can see these in my profile. But like I have mentioned I do hold back a bit, mainly because most folk that have not broken free this way do find the spiritual path condescending and confusing.

 

This new way of living requires 100% commitment or it does not work and it's not fast, there has been a lot to unravel, a very lot of things to work through and to comprehend for each of us

[King Coco]

To be totally blunt, I think you should end it. It's very clear that you aren't enjoying the relationship and that, despite knowing this, he doesn't want to change or make things better for you. If not, at least have a very serious talk to him about it where you outline what you need from a relationship and say very explicitly where the relationship falls short. Don't feel like you're being overly demanding, bratty, or unreasonable just from wanting to have your needs met. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking that way either. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who cares for you and takes them seriously. 

[Sally]

On 2/8/2018 at 8:41 AM, Gleep said:

. But neither one of us can imagine life without the other by our side. So, no. I can't just go get the intimacy I need from anybody. It's not that simple. He's my angel. I want him.

But he does not want what you want: sex as intimacy.  Can you really expect him to give you what you want, despite the fact that he doesn't want it?   How can he feel  like your "angel" if you do so?

[Cnyb]

On 2/7/2018 at 4:07 PM, Gleep said:

You don't hit someone you love. Apes hit. Humans verbalize. It might be screeching an unbroken paragraph of curse words, but have enough respect for yourself to not be a shit slinging monkey.

On 2/8/2018 at 11:41 AM, Gleep said:

It's not just that I sacrificed the life that I had built and my inheritance and connections to my family to be with him... and have never doubted that I did the right thing for one second. It would simply destroy both of us to not have each other. Simple as that. He NEEDS touch... and sometimes I think that I've ruined his sex drive for him.

 

We all have issues and I've got my fair share of baggage. I'll get in one of my dark phases where depression takes over and NOTHING can break through and I'm hard to deal with. I'm excellent at keeping up the mask of "Everything is fine" to outsiders, but I get really, really dark. I start tearing into myself with all the abusive things from my childhood and from my first marriage... doing a damn good job of shredding every ounce of self esteem. And the worse it gets, the darker I get, the meaner the barbs get. He can snap me out of it but it takes a lot of work and isn't easy. But when I get like that, I push everything and everyone away. He's just as fragile as I am, and pushing him away accumulates.

...screeching an unbroken stream of curse words ...mask of everything is fine ...pushing everything and everyone away... the two of us against the world... it's for him, he NEEDS touch... poly from the beginning but you feel you need to have sex from him specifically and want to hurt him....   I'm sure there is a lot more to this.

[anamikanon]

On 07/02/2018 at 5:52 AM, Gleep said:

 

1) Yes. We found out what it was about 3 years ago.

2) I don't think he knows.

3) 10 years after we were married.

4) We have been openly poly since the very start. I ran into him on a couple poly boards we both frequented.

 

As I put on my little identifier profile thingy. I'm bi, poly, demi (need to really get to know somebody before I can entertain the notion) and sapio (need to not just know the person, but for them to be intelligent.) We are a triad at the moment, and I have my lady. That's great, but IT'S NOT HIM. I need the intimacy from him. I need to know that he still wants and treasures me. I can't transfer desire from one person to another, it doesn't work that way. Val and J don't do anything at all. She doesn't connect with him that way and he's not really interested in her. This isn't a jealousy issue. It's a "I miss intimacy with my husband" and he's absolutely refusing flat out to give it.

I am demi, sapio, compulsive geek with wide range of interests and poly too. Except I'm also asocial and never got around to finding another partner (hadn't looked for this one too, for that matter, he walked into my life pretty much).  I tried to meet a few people. Some of them even seemed nice, but it never took off the ground, because right off the bat, it was obvious that THEY WERE NOT HIM. I could probably have new relationships with them, but it wouldn't fill the craving I have for him anyway. So I dropped it. Didn't have the time for more relationships (I'm obsessively solo other than with him and even with him, I don't want living in each other's armpit 24/7 - we have fairly independent lives even as we share space)

 

I also get that intense anger thing. I've felt it. Born from sexual frustration. Born from feeling undesired. Born from plain anger that he doesn't seem to see addressing my frustration as a priority. I've found losing my temper has worked well to make him see that even if he doesn't have a problem with the scheme of things, someone he claims to care about does have a massive problem and he needs to pay attention.

 

Part I didn't get was why he's jealous if he knows you're poly anyway. Surely if you were attracted to this friend, he'd expect you to tell him instead of running around assuming? It sounds like he's aware there is a problem, but since it doesn't bother him, he's taking the easy way out and is worried about you not accepting that.

[Treesarepretty]

@Gleep, this is the second thread that you have started while I have been here about having to remind your husband about your needs. While the part about him being jealous is new, and unusual, and frustrating, the majority of your thread here seems to be a recurring problem: he just doesn't think about sex, and therefore doesn't know when, how, or how long to have sex with you. I am sorry, but if you insist on staying with your "little angel" then this is just something that you will have to get used to explaining to him again and again. 

 

As far as your friend is concerned, is it possible that your husband thinks that you and him have a more emotionally fulfilling relationship than he has with you? or perhaps a more understanding relationship? If so, that might explain his jealousy. 

 

Another thing that I would be interested to know is whether your husband looks at going with you on your camping and teaching trips as something he does for you because he loves you or as something that something that he wants to do for himself and having you there makes it extra special. 

[Treesarepretty]

@Gleep, since I wrote my last post I have been thinking that I may have sounded accusative. I am just trying to understand why your husband is acting the way he does around you by going through possibilities and asking you to validate or refute them.

 

I want you to know that I think you sound like a fun and caring person, from what you have said. I won't look you up or seek you out or anything, but I think it would be cool to just happen to bump into you if I happen to be in Texas. 

[squaggly]

This is part of the reason I don't want to get married. In the one relationship I've ever been in, I felt constantly demanded for sex, and she felt constantly deprived. This caused accusations that I don't love her, which is really not true. She was my favorite person in the whole world and the fact that she couldn't see that hurt me a lot. 

Towards the end of our relationship, this idea was really showing itself. Her favorite days were my least favorite days, and visa versa. I was too scared to do anything that might possibly give her the idea of sex, and she was doing anything she could to put that in my mind (we both thought I was straight at this time). It was almost like she enjoyed making me feel bad. I know now that this isn't true, we just had totally different opinions on what made a relationship good.

To this day I don't understand why people want sex, but I know people do. Luckily I know I can't be good enough so I won't even try