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MistaConfused

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MistaConfused

I recently started dating a woman who told me that she was Asexual, I hadn’t even heard of it before she explained it to me. I have so many questions but what I know is that I really care about her and want to respect who she is. Does being asexual have anything to do with trust or lack of? I can’t help but thinking that someone who wants all of the physical touch (not anything sexual) and romance would not want anything to do with sex. I understand that this isn’t something that I can change but is it my fault that I feel like crap because I want to be desired by her. I get that sex goes both ways but I want to make her feel good, but she doesn’t want me.

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Hi ... you feeling like crap because you're not desired is pretty universal amongst sexual partners, and that's the bit that just isn't going to change. Asexuals just don't sexually desire anyone - that's pretty much the definition of asexuality. 

 

Have a look in the 'Partners, Friends, and Allies' section of this forum. You're not alone.

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Moved from Questions about Asexuality to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies.

 

TheAP
Questions about Asexuality co-mod

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Being truly asexual has very little to do with trust, and everything to do with no desire for sex at all, ever. Some asexual people are comfortable with the idea of having sex to please their partner but this is a very individual decision and it varies widely across the ace community - so don't count on it happening. And if it does, be aware that the emotional connection you're looking for may not be communicated through sex; that just isn't the way that asexuals work. 

That said, that doesn't mean that she won't communicate love and intimacy for you in other ways. Try to pay attention to the things that she does do for you, rather than the things that she doesn't. She trusts you enough to tell you this, for one; that can be a big step for a lot of people.

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2 hours ago, MistaConfused said:

I recently started dating a woman who told me that she was Asexual, I hadn’t even heard of it before she explained it to me. I have so many questions but what I know is that I really care about her and want to respect who she is. Does being asexual have anything to do with trust or lack of? I can’t help but thinking that someone who wants all of the physical touch (not anything sexual) and romance would not want anything to do with sex. I understand that this isn’t something that I can change but is it my fault that I feel like crap because I want to be desired by her. I get that sex goes both ways but I want to make her feel good, but she doesn’t want me.

It’s not a trust thing it’s a sexuality thing.

 

First thing you need to do is have her identify what type of asexual she is. If she is......

Sex repulsed - you have no chance of having a sex life with this lady.

Asexual - no chance of having a sex life with this lady apart from when she allows you to use her body a masturbator.

Demi/Grey asexual - you have the possibility of having a sex life together.

 

Whilst it is very important for you to consider her wishes and feelings, you also need to consider your own. In 10 years time, do you want to be someone who’s sex life never started, is a constant battle or is the reason for your impending divorce and thus the reason you are broke, 10 years older and unlikely to see you children anywhere near as much as what you would have done if you had stayed together.

 

My strongest advice is......

 

Talk it through with her but don’t simply accept who she is unless she accepts who you are. 

 

Read, read and read more of the threads on this forum that tackle this issue.

 

Below are some threads you may find useful. There’s many others though...

 

For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies

 

1) I think my boyfriend is asexual

2) The talk

3) Are asexuals and sexual’s really compatible

4) Is my husband asexual?

5) Grieving 

6) http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/166556-unless-there-was-something-a-lot-more-complicated-going-on”-she-insists-“there-were-usually-substantial-relationship-benefits-to-making-love/

 

Asexual relationships

 

1) Should I Still Have Sex Even Though I'm Asexual?

2) Coming out to spouse 

3) Stopping the blame game (long thread)

 

Asexual musings and ranting’s

 

Things Aces find weird

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Most sexual people will have a very difficult time in a relationship with an asexual person. I don't recommend it.  Not anyone's fault but some people are just not compatible. 

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On 6/2/2018 at 5:18 PM, MistaConfused said:

I recently started dating a woman who told me that she was Asexual.., ...but she doesn’t want me.

...rigth. And wrong. She migth want you, but she does not want sex with you. She does not want sex with anyone.   And even if she is okay with it, then “wanting it” for her own sake, is never going to happen if she is asexual. At best you can still have sex and she can even enjoy it. But it will always be for your sake and she will never need/desire it. Many of the couples here, who has sex desribes it as a chore from the asexual perspective and some even find the need to mentally prepare themselves for this task. I think my wife finds it a bit awkward and doesnt really benefit that much. I get a lot from sex. Everything in me is boosted. Feeling togetherness and happy and a will to figth for our mutual future, come what may. To her it is loss of sleep and a sligthly nice tremble in her vaginal area.

 

The risk is losing yourself in the attempt to respect/understand the other part. 

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On 2/6/2018 at 11:18 AM, MistaConfused said:

I recently started dating a woman who told me that she was Asexual, I hadn’t even heard of it before she explained it to me. I have so many questions but what I know is that I really care about her and want to respect who she is. Does being asexual have anything to do with trust or lack of? 

Not as far as I know. It basically means that she doesn't feel sexual attraction towards anyone regardless of how much she trusts them.  

 

 I can’t help but thinking that someone who wants all of the physical touch (not anything sexual) and romance would not want anything to do with sex. I understand that this isn’t something that I can change but is it my fault that I feel like crap because I want to be desired by her. I get that sex goes both ways but I want to make her feel good, but she doesn’t want me.

Asexuals (excluding demi-sexuals) don't feel sexual attraction, but many of us do feel romantic attraction. It's actually pretty common for asexuals to have romantic feelings for someone and want to be in a relationship with them without wanting to having sex. Some asexuals are touch adverse and others love physical touch but they still don't feel that drive to have sex.

 

For many of us sex and love/romance are completely separate. Sex is a physical act that many of us are not interested in. Many asexuals find it pointless, uncomfortable, gross or annoying but not romantic. Generally speaking we have other ways of expressing our romantic feelings.

 

This is definitely not your fault, please don't blame yourself. It's just the way the woman you're dating is wired. It simply means that she doesn't want you in a sexual way because she doesn't feel sexual attraction at all towards anyone. It doesn't mean that she doesn't find you attractive or that she has no romantic feelings for you. She probably still desires you in other ways that are not sexual (e.g french kissing, cuddling, holding hands, emotional closeness). You can find other ways to express your romantic feeling towards her and make her feel good by talking to her about this and trying to find things that work for both of you. 

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 06/02/2018 at 9:48 PM, MistaConfused said:

I recently started dating a woman who told me that she was Asexual, I hadn’t even heard of it before she explained it to me. I have so many questions but what I know is that I really care about her and want to respect who she is. Does being asexual have anything to do with trust or lack of? I can’t help but thinking that someone who wants all of the physical touch (not anything sexual) and romance would not want anything to do with sex. I understand that this isn’t something that I can change but is it my fault that I feel like crap because I want to be desired by her. I get that sex goes both ways but I want to make her feel good, but she doesn’t want me.

I hate to sound pessimistic, but be prepared to feel like crap for a while till you accept that she does not desire you sexually. You will need to come to terms with this in your head. That your body, your personality, NOTHING is going to make her want to have sex with you. If this is too much to accept, you'd do far better being honest now than putting both of you through emotional investment over some false hope that this will change.

 

I am sexual. My partner is asexual. We actually have a working sex life. But this comes with a good bit of adjustment and that adjustment has to be within the realm of possibility for both of you. This will involve a lot of talking about what matters to you and what you can do without and what you are willing to do that departs from your natural inclination.

 

For example, if sex is not that huge a priority for you, and you are happy masturbating or ignoring your need for sex for the most part and she is okay having sex even if it isn't what she wants, perhaps there could be a happy medium. But if your partner never wanting to grab you on sight is going to matter to your happiness in the relationship, you need to think with brutal honesty. If you have a high sex drive that you want actual participatory sex for, you aren't going to get it from her and the relationship will bring a lot of unhappiness unless you have an open relationship where your needs for sex are met elsewhere.

 

That kind of thing.

 

Step 0 is accepting that she does not want sex with you. From there come other steps - whether you are ok with it, whether she is ok with occasionally participating even if she doesn't want sex for herself....

 

It is very possible to have an enriching relationship with an asexual person, but the obvious elephant in the room must be faced, or you will live on false hope and develop grudges.

 

Talk. Talk. Talk more. Keep talking. Can't stress this enough. Be very certain of what you are signing up for when you commit.

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On 2/6/2018 at 4:18 PM, MistaConfused said:

I feel like crap because I want to be desired by her

I understand your point, but my advice to you is first understand her point of view. If she is asexual she doesn't necessarily desire the sexual part, but you can still feel desired on other aspects of the relationship. That is how sexual/asexual couples make it work.
At first i don't think any sexual person processes this well. Honestly I'm still struggling with "how i feel about not being sexually desired" part, but luckily I already skipped the part of "feeling like crap" because of that. I accepted it. it's not her fault and it's not yours either. It's not anything personal. The sooner you accept it the better for you to move on with the relationship.
Wanting to be desired is natural, and wanting her to feel good is natural (and good) too. There are several ways of making her feel good, and she may or may not, eventually, want it. You will have to wait and see how it goes (some asexuals never feel like having sexual relations, others accept having them). Talk with her and keep the dialog open. Read and talk with the community as much as you can about asexuals (it helps to cope with it), and have patience ;) You are on the right place and here you will find many that, like You, are still learning how to adapt.
Good luck

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