Platonic or Romantic Friend: Difference? IDK.

[Koto]

As an ace, how would you know who you like?  I've been feeling a bit dispirited when trying to imagine myself in a relationship. I don't know if I'd miss a chance with someone because of my lack if insight on how I feel.

 

For example, I've been asking myself whether I like my best guy friend or not. 

I have a childhood friend I've known since grade school who, when I think about it, seems like a good match for me.  To sum it up, he's probably like a male version of me (egotistical much? lol).  We both have the same values, geeky interests, humor, mannerisms, religion, etc and are on the same wavelength. We're both very private about our personal lives but are comfortable enough with each other to share personal information with each other openly.  We both have trust issues, yet we trust each other completely.  We've been friends for at least fifteen years (I'm 26 now) and were in the same classes in grade school before that too.  Basically, we've been friends for forever.

We could be a good match right? BUT . . .

 

I don't feel anything romantically when I'm around him.  I've rarely experienced crushes but it's happened - typical heart beats fast, nervousness, excitement, etc.
When I was in grade school I crushed on him for a while but that was in grade school. And between then and college I don't think I crushed on anyone.  He confessed to having feelings for me freshman year of college but I didn't reciprocate and we moved on from it still as friends.  It's possible he would reciprocate now if decided to confess to him... But do I really want to?
I honestly don't think so, but for me it's hard to tell when I have romantic feelings.  Also, my personality type, INFJ, doesn't help the issue but that's another story... lol.

I'm starting to wonder if I will ever be able to crush on someone and date someone I like.  Someone who makes me heart beat fast, makes me feel excited when I see them, makes me blush because I just, well, like him.

As an ace, is that possible? I seem very dismissive with romance to outsiders but that doesn't mean I don't want it. At least an emotional connection with someone.  Like my friend. But it seems like that's just platonic.  I want someone who I can imagine holding hands with, feel anticipation to see, miss him when he's away, at least feel something romantic.  But...

Is an ace like me doomed to not feel romantic love at all? Is it all conceptual? Does anyone else feel this way? Am I being too dramatic? The short answer: I don't know. I need your insights! T__T
 

[Gldlynch]

Hi Koto

 

Reading this, I feel for you. Feelings suck. Period.

Anyhow, the main way I differentiate between the emotions of romantic and platonic is how special I want to be to them. I'm bi, but I didn't admit to myself that I had the capacity to crush on girls for a long time. But I knew it wasn't a platonic desire, I remember thinking, I want to be special to them just as the way they are to me.

This might not be the lightest path, but how you do feel when your best friend becomes closer to another person? Do you feel like you are going to lose them? Because if you don't, it means your friendship is more than secure.

Perhaps you're somewhere on the aromantic spectrum too? Our sexual orientations can be fluid which is convenient, yet annoying.

From your description, the two of you truly seem like a perfect match. But the warm fuzzy feeling you want, have you tried dating other people? Usually our counter-emotions lock in what our original emotions are.

 

Best of luck!

[Born Stoic]

Is an ace like me doomed to not feel romantic love at all?

 

Not all asexuals are aromantic... so the short answer would be no (judging by you're confusion and past experience my guess would be that you are gray-romantic).

 

I recommend checking this thread out if you haven't already.

 

Is it all conceptual? 

If you're talking about love than yes it is... (an abstract or generic idea generalized from particular instances) is a good way to describe our romanticized view of 'love'.

 

I don't feel nor enjoy emotions that often and I am quite skeptical towards epicurean lifestyles

(I find it difficult to accept subjective, unproven concepts and find most of them to be shallow and mostly transient).

 

My advice would be to experience things you believe are worth the time, risks and efforts without having expectations and comparing yourself with others.

 

Expectations and comparisons will without a doubt make you miserable.

To know if you are doing things right... you should compare yourself  to who you were yesterday.

 

Good luck!

[Koto]

23 hours ago, Gldlynch said:

Hi Koto

 

Reading this, I feel for you. Feelings suck. Period.

Anyhow, the main way I differentiate between the emotions of romantic and platonic is how special I want to be to them. I'm bi, but I didn't admit to myself that I had the capacity to crush on girls for a long time. But I knew it wasn't a platonic desire, I remember thinking, I want to be special to them just as the way they are to me.

This might not be the lightest path, but how you do feel when your best friend becomes closer to another person? Do you feel like you are going to lose them? Because if you don't, it means your friendship is more than secure.

Perhaps you're somewhere on the aromantic spectrum too? Our sexual orientations can be fluid which is convenient, yet annoying.

From your description, the two of you truly seem like a perfect match. But the warm fuzzy feeling you want, have you tried dating other people? Usually our counter-emotions lock in what our original emotions are.

 

Best of luck!

Hey Gldlynch,

How special I want to be to them? I see. When my friend gets close to another person I honestly don't know.  I haven't witnessed it with my eyes.  When I think about it, I probably would get a little jealous as a friend, but overall if I imagine him with another girl I think I'd be okay.  I've hung out with guys and the thought of being with them romantically is not appealing  (I've had to tell some I'm uncomfortable with physical contact even if they're playing - like unwelcome close proximity if they seem like creepers ). and my personality is very picky with friendships which doesn't help the situation lol.  I honestly haven't tried actively dating and am not sure how to go about it (I've tried online dating but don't think it's for me).  I looked up and read a bit on aromantics and seems like I fall under that category.   I've felt crushes but they are rare, every couple years, so I think I am in the aromantic spectrum.  When I wrote my initial post I was frustrated thinking why I don't feel chemistry with people.  An irrational thought I had was if I start actively dating I might fake it  (the flirting), so the person knows I'm interested and doesn't misread me. But I know that's not good.  Other irrational thoughts is to try flirting with random people as an experiment to see how I feel and how they respond but again, that doesn't come natural to me.  Well, I guess I'll see...

Thank you so much for writing!

 

[Koto]

22 hours ago, Born Stoic said:

Is an ace like me doomed to not feel romantic love at all?

 

Not all asexuals are aromantic... so the short answer would be no (judging by you're confusion and past experience my guess would be that you are gray-romantic).

 

I recommend checking this thread out if you haven't already.

 

Is it all conceptual? 

If you're talking about love than yes it is... (an abstract or generic idea generalized from particular instances) is a good way to describe our romanticized view of 'love'.

 

I don't feel nor enjoy emotions that often and I am quite skeptical towards epicurean lifestyles

(I find it difficult to accept subjective, unproven concepts and find most of them to be shallow and mostly transient).

 

My advice would be to experience things you believe are worth the time, risks and efforts without having expectations and comparing yourself with others.

 

Expectations and comparisons will without a doubt make you miserable.

To know if you are doing things right... you should compare yourself  to who you were yesterday.

 

Good luck!

Born Stoic,

I see. After reading a bit of the different kinds of asexuality I guess I am a grey-romantic/aromantic spectrum. 

Lol, I guess love itself is an abstract concept indeed. I don't consider myself a materialist neither, but think (generally) there is a connection with something abstract as love and our feelings.  I'm not saying it's good or bad, but I feel emotions deeply and it's frustrating when I consider myself in a relationship with someone else and imagining myself having a difficult time with just feeling romantic towards him..  

Because I feel deeply, I value reason precisely because I know my deep feelings can betray my logic.  But with romance, it seems like the opposite for me, and I can't rely on my feelings to confirm my logic on how I feel about someone as a potential companion if well, I just don't feel romance.  And romance generally relies on, to some degree, our emotional connection towards someone else.

I thank you for your advice.  It's true it's not wise to compare myself to others' experiences and have certain expectations that perhaps are not applicable to me.  Instead, I will focus on comparing my present self to my old self and contemplate how I may grow as a person. 

Thanks again, and may the force be with you.