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Akoiromantic help!


Rosendust

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Hey everyone, my questions are-Can I have a fulfilling relationship(romantic) if I identify as Akoiromantic? And my other question is how do I bring it up to potential partners? I can manage the Demisexual talk/Agender Talk, but I'm cluelessly lost when it comes to explaining my romantic orientation without having any thoughts of a relationship be null and void.

Any help you can give would be absolutely welcomed!

Thanks everyone and Regards,

Rosendust

 

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I'm sorry if I'm misinterpreting what you're saying but maybe you could look for a queerplatonic relationship? It might make the conversation easier.

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Galactic Turtle
6 minutes ago, Rosendust said:

Can I have a fulfilling relationship(romantic) if I identify as Akoiromantic?

If you want an exclusive relationship then go for it. Whether it's fulfilling or not probably depends on an infinite number of factors.

 

6 minutes ago, Rosendust said:

And my other question is how do I bring it up to potential partners?

If you're looking for an exclusive partner in the first place I think the most important thing (as with any relationship of that variety) is that you work well together. I'm not sure what akoiromanticism has to do with it, exactly. 

 

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2 minutes ago, Galactic Turtle said:

If you want an exclusive relationship then go for it. Whether it's fulfilling or not probably depends on an infinite number of factors.

 

If you're looking for an exclusive partner in the first place I think the most important thing (as with any relationship of that variety) is that you work well together. I'm not sure what akoiromanticism has to do with it, exactly. 

 

That definitely makes sense, thank you!

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banana monkey
17 minutes ago, Galactic Turtle said:

 I'm not sure what akoiromanticism has to do with it, exactly. 

 

I would imagine if you didnt want romantic attraction to be reciprocated that may cause problems in a relationship as the other persons romantic affections would make you feel uncomfortable. No? Unless it was a mixed relationship, ie a akoiromantic and an aromantic. Then the attraction would not be reciprocated, but the aromantic would have to be comfortable with the romantic attractions from the other which I would imagine they may not be. Have I understood correctly? 

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Galactic Turtle
1 hour ago, banana monkey said:

I would imagine if you didnt want romantic attraction to be reciprocated that may cause problems in a relationship as the other persons romantic affections would make you feel uncomfortable.

OP said they wanted a romantic relationship which I take to mean, in this context, is an exclusive relationship of some variety. The activities any given pair do while in such an arrangement depends on the couple, this includes how and when they choose to show affection.  I'm not sure what you mean by romantic attraction being reciprocated in this sense? Something has to be reciprocated or acknowledged for a relationship to exist in the first place. I can't just decide that Beyonce is my friend, for example. Alternatively you could pine over someone from a distance but... again, OP said they want a fulfilling romantic relationship which suggests more than pining from a distance. Or you could become friends with your crush and just never say anything about it. Granted in that scenario the other person is likely to end up in an exclusive relationship with someone else at some point in time which the OP may or may not care about.

 

When I Googled "akoiromantic" it said "... can feel romantic attraction towards others and also enjoy being in romantic relationships but only in theory." However, OP said that they want a romantic relationship in practice, not in theory. I might just not understand what's going on either lol.

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banana monkey
On 05/02/2018 at 7:33 PM, Galactic Turtle said:

OP said they wanted a romantic relationship which I take to mean, in this context, is an exclusive relationship of some variety. The activities any given pair do while in such an arrangement depends on the couple, this includes how and when they choose to show affection.  I'm not sure what you mean by romantic attraction being reciprocated in this sense? Something has to be reciprocated or acknowledged for a relationship to exist in the first place. I can't just decide that Beyonce is my friend, for example. Alternatively you could pine over someone from a distance but... again, OP said they want a fulfilling romantic relationship which suggests more than pining from a distance. Or you could become friends with your crush and just never say anything about it. Granted in that scenario the other person is likely to end up in an exclusive relationship with someone else at some point in time which the OP may or may not care about.

 

When I Googled "akoiromantic" it said "... can feel romantic attraction towards others and also enjoy being in romantic relationships but only in theory." However, OP said that they want a romantic relationship in practice, not in theory. I might just not understand what's going on either lol.

You seem to have a slightly different understanding and definition to the one I have. I knew I had seen Akoiromantic before but googled it just to make sure I had not mixed up the definition.

 

The definition I got was someone who can feel romantic attraction but does not want it reciprocated and if it is reciprocated it can make said person very uncomfortable. That was the definition I had read before.

 

In the example you give, I agree you cannot just decide that someone will be your friend or relationship partner but that is not romantic (or platonic) attraction. Usually, The romantic attraction would happen before the possibility of a relationship came up. It is possible for a person to have romantic attraction for someone and the other person not feel the same (I think you term it pining?) Usually a relationship only occurs once it is confirmed that romantic attraction is reciprocated but if you are on the (gray)romantic spectrum that may not necessarily be the case as you may choose to have a (mixed) relationship with someone who has a different orientation to you, eg. a romantic with an aromantic. If it helps you to understand, it is also possible to do this in sexual relationships eg. a homosexual has a relationship with a heterosexual (or heterosexual and asexual) in these cases the sexual attraction would not be reciprocated. It is not usual to have such a relationship so it is difficult for most to understand but it is totally possible as a relationship does not have to be between 2 people with romantic (or sexual) attraction. A relationship is a relationship when 2 agree that it is, it may or may not be romantic. Similarly, although it is usual that exclusive relationships are romantic,  many romantic relationships are not (eg. polyamory) and so a relationship (romantic or not) is exclusive when 2 people say it is.  Similarly, there are many exclusive relationships which are not romantic (eg. queerplatonic relationships) People sometimes have other reasons for being in relationships other than attraction. Whether or not the relationship is fulfilling is an entirely different question and will depend on the needs and desires of the people in the relationship. The OP states that they want a fulfilling relationship but the post is asking if it is possible. It is possible that if the OP does not like romantic attraction reciprocated a relationship could be possible but it is reasonably possible such a relationship would be unfulfilling to either them or (more likely) their partner. Like I said, it depends on the 2 individuals. 

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Galactic Turtle
5 minutes ago, banana monkey said:

The definition I got was someone who can feel romantic attraction but does not want it reciprocated and if it is reciprocated it can make said person very uncomfortable. That was the definition I had read before.

Exactly, but the OP said they want a fulfilling romantic relationship which is why it didn't seem to have much to do with akoiromanticism at all but rather finding a partner who showcased intimacy/affection in a way that vibed with them.

 

The rest of what you said made me a bit crosseyed so lemme break it up a bit. For context, I'm aro-ace.

 

11 minutes ago, banana monkey said:

In the example you give, I agree you cannot just decide that someone will be your friend or relationship partner but that is not romantic (or platonic) attraction. Usually, The romantic attraction would happen before the possibility of a relationship came up.

Agreed!

 

12 minutes ago, banana monkey said:

It is possible for a person to have romantic attraction for someone and the other person not feel the same (I think you term it pining?)

Yes. And a developed form of pining (that's the word I'd use for when my friends have crushes on people from a distance) would be unrequited interest or unrequited love.

 

13 minutes ago, banana monkey said:

Usually a relationship only occurs once it is confirmed that romantic attraction is reciprocated but if you are on the (gray)romantic spectrum that may not necessarily be the case as you may choose to have a (mixed) relationship with someone who has a different orientation to you, eg. a romantic with an aromantic.

Mixed relationships are definitely possible. Relationships of circumstance, convenience, or protection, for example. I was actually reading a story the other day about this haunted house. Anywho, the main ghost of the house was asexual back when he was alive. He loved his female friend (wasn't specified what type of love) who happened to be lesbian. Due to their circumstances, they married each other and were quite happy for a time so at least on her end it was platonic love. They had this understanding. As an aromantic person, I might get with a romantic person for similar reasons (circumstance, convenience, protection) if I had no other choice. I would understand that the way we felt for each other was not the same. But let's say an akoiromantic (which I'll assume is a type of grayromantic) express that they actively want to enter a fulfilling romantic relationship. Should the other person just pretend to not be interested in them? That's why it seemed like the only solution to that situation would for the akoiromantic person to become friends with their crush and they can imagine the whole thing on their own but that doesn't seem like a very stable situation.

 

22 minutes ago, banana monkey said:

If it helps you to understand, it is also possible to do this in sexual relationships eg. a homosexual has a relationship with a heterosexual (or heterosexual and asexual) in these cases the sexual attraction would not be reciprocated.

Correct, however the OP specified that they want a romantic relationship. Everything about that screams reciprocity.

 

25 minutes ago, banana monkey said:

A relationship is a relationship when 2 agree that it is, it may or may not be romantic.

Yes, but the OP wants a romantic relationship.

 

25 minutes ago, banana monkey said:

Similarly, although it is usual that exclusive relationships are romantic,  many romantic relationships are not (eg. polyamory)

I also know this but as I said before: "in this context" because I wasn't getting a poly vibe when the OP was explaining what they wanted.

 

27 minutes ago, banana monkey said:

Similarly, there are many exclusive relationships which are not romantic (eg. queerplatonic relationships)

Well I have a lot to say about that but it would be going way off topic. However, once again, the OP specified that they wanted a romantic relationship. 

 

28 minutes ago, banana monkey said:

People sometimes have other reasons for being in relationships other than attraction.

But the OP experiences attraction.

 

28 minutes ago, banana monkey said:

Whether or not the relationship is fulfilling is an entirely different question and will depend on the needs and desires of the people in the relationship.

Which is what I said before.

 

29 minutes ago, banana monkey said:

The OP states that they want a fulfilling relationship but the post is asking if it is possible. It is possible that if the OP does not like romantic attraction reciprocated a relationship could be possible but it is reasonably possible such a relationship would be unfulfilling to either them or (more likely) their partner.

On one hand the OP says they want a romantic relationship. On the other hand they don't want that feeling reciprocated. I don't know what they have in their head when they're imagining a romantic relationship and what in that imagination makes them uncomfortable, but the definition I found of akoiromantic said it was interchangeable with lithromantic which I see people on AVEN use often. They say they experience romantic attraction in the fictional sense but do not desire to seek it out in actuality. However, the OP does want to seek out a romantic relationship so it sounds like we're crossing a barrier from one thing to another thing which is why I said just go for it.

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Galactic Turtle

ACTUALLY NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT LITHROMANTICS.

 

OP could try to get into roleplay. My one friend does like... RP fan fiction? She acts as a character. It's all text based. She's kind of friends with the girl outside of their RP. But through acting a character it could provide a safe degree of separation.

 

IRL my friend is heterosexual and I'm pretty sure the girl is too sooooo yeah.

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banana monkey

thanks for the explaination @Galactic Turtle. I understand better but a few more things you could explain for me. 

 

9 minutes ago, Galactic Turtle said:

. But let's say an akoiromantic (which I'll assume is a type of grayromantic) express that they actively want to enter a fulfilling romantic relationship. Should the other person just pretend to not be interested in them?

No, that's why I'm personally beginning to form the opinion it may not be possible. 

9 minutes ago, Galactic Turtle said:

Correct, however the OP specified that they want a romantic relationship. Everything about that screams reciprocity.

Please explain why wanting a romantic relationship screams reciprocity - to me it doesn't. Certainly wasnt the case in my last romantic relationship. 

9 minutes ago, Galactic Turtle said:

 

But the OP experiences attraction.

 

Yes, but that does not have to be there reason for having a relationship. I experience romantic attraction (rarely) but did not enter my last relationship because I was romantically attracted to the other person. 

9 minutes ago, Galactic Turtle said:

 

On one hand the OP says they want a romantic relationship. On the other hand they don't want that feeling reciprocated. I don't know what they have in their head when they're imagining a romantic relationship and what in that imagination makes them uncomfortable, but the definition I found of akoiromantic said it was interchangeable with lithromantic which I see people on AVEN use often.

I personally dont see Akoiromantic as being interchangeable with lithromantic. as I define lithromantic as loosing the attraction once it is reciprocated by the other. (i suppose that is the same thing, bit unsure) rather than not wanting it reciprocated in the 1st place. 

9 minutes ago, Galactic Turtle said:

They say they experience romantic attraction in the fictional sense but do not desire to seek it out in actuality. However, the OP does want to seek out a romantic relationship so it sounds like we're crossing a barrier from one thing to another thing which is why I said just go for it.

Yes, maybe that is the case. In which case, there is no harm in trying. Its the only way one finds out. 

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Galactic Turtle
5 minutes ago, banana monkey said:

Please explain why wanting a romantic relationship screams reciprocity - to me it doesn't. Certainly wasnt the case in my last romantic relationship. 

A relationship is not one person, but what rests between two or more people. It's that thing between them, a two way street. Your last romantic  relationship was only a romantic relationship because you agreed to acknowledge it as such. That is reciprocity. That's why I said earlier that someone on their own can't decide that they're in a relationship with someone else without the other person agreeing. Whenever someone confesses their feelings to me (and I happen to be their friend) I just say "thank you, but I'd rather we be friends." They offered to change the definition of our relationship but I declined. I in turn offered defining our relationship as one of friendship and they accepted. If they also declined that then I guess for the time being we might distance ourselves and I'd refer to them as "a friend I used to have."

 

When the OP says they want a romantic relationship, I assume they want someone who will acknowledge their relationship as such but because at the same time they're uncomfortable with that being coupled with whatever they deem to be signs of romantic attraction. To me that translates to "find someone who you like who expresses their affection in a way that makes you feel comfortable." Will we ever know if the other person experiences romantic attraction to the OP? Maybe not. But whatever they'd be doing, it would be in a way that makes the OP comfortable.

 

20 minutes ago, banana monkey said:

Yes, but that does not have to be there reason for having a relationship. I experience romantic attraction (rarely) but did not enter my last relationship because I was romantically attracted to the other person. 

I'm assuming that because the OP experiences romantic attraction and wants to be in a romantic relationship, they'd choose someone who they're attracted to. We might not know what "fulfilling" means in their context but it doesn't seem like a giant leap to make.

 

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banana monkey

Thanks @Galactic Turtle. You assume things I would not, but I can see why and your point of view makes better sense to me having the explanation. BTW, in my last relationship, we agreed to be in a relationship but did not define it as romantic, queerplatonic or anything. I think thats what caused the misunderstanding.  - I thought it was QP -  he romantic. I forget its reasonable to assume a relationship is romantic as I never ever assume one. Similarly, I dont assume that people would choose people of same orientation to them as to me there are other characteristics which are more important than matching orientations. To me a relationship is a relationship but not necessarily romantic unless specified. (and you are right the OP kinda does specify as such) which is strange when they identify as akoiromantic. Just different worldviews I suppose. 

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Galactic Turtle

@banana monkey No problem! It's all interesting to me but (if it wasn't obvious) I'm pretty out of my depth when it comes to attractions. @__@ 

 

 

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