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Somewhat touchy drunk asexual girl


jwhit93

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So the girl I’m dating for sure identifies as asexual. She doesn’t like kissing or touching with the exception to hand holding. I’m not so sure how she feels about sex though, we haven’t had that talk yet. 

 

Something I noticed whenever we go out for the night is that she gets a little touchy feely after she’s had a few drinks. It’s not a whole lot but it’s enough to have caught my attention. There’s been a few times where we’ve made out in public and danced extremely close up on another (bumping and grinding). None of this behavior was ever initiated by me, she started it every time so her being pressured to do something she normally wouldn’t just for me is out of the question. 

 

Can anyone explain as to why she isn’t touch and kiss adverse when she’s intoxicated?

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Asexuality is *about* sex (well, not wanting it), not kissing or hand holding, so yeah at some point you'd need to have that talk! 

 

And many people can be touch averse (or dance averse, talking averse, all kinds of stuff) but can ease up on that once they start drinking. I hate showing my butt and am extremely self conscious about it but once I'm drunk enough I get really into showing my partner as much as he could ever want to see, haha, alcohol just lowers inhibitions a LOT so suddenly someone who is too nervous or shy or averse to do something may start doing it and even enjoying it when drunk. Dancing is a good example because heaps of people are super shy about dancing but once they've had some drinks they'll be out there boogieing down with everyone else. Alcohol isn't called liquid courage for nothing!!

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4 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

Asexuality is *about* sex (well, not wanting it), not kissing or hand holding, so yeah at some point you'd need to have that talk! 

 

And many people can be touch averse (or dance averse, talking averse, all kinds of stuff) but can ease up on that once they start drinking. I hate showing my butt and am extremely self conscious about it but once I'm drunk enough I get really into showing my partner as much as he could ever want to see, haha, alcohol just lowers inhibitions a LOT so suddenly someone who is too nervous or shy or averse to do something may start doing it and even enjoying it when drunk. Dancing is a good example because heaps of people are super shy about dancing but once they've had some drinks they'll be out there boogieing down with everyone else. Alcohol isn't called liquid courage for nothing!!

Thank you but I already know what Asexuality means, but I do agree with what you said about the talk. 

 

Yeah I just feel like the difference between someone being too shy versus another who is usually absolutely repulsed by kissing is confidence. Idk maybe I said that wrong but she doesn’t lack confidence whatsoever. My only guess is the alcohol makes her less aware of the fact that she has those aversions and that she can enjoy herself a little more with someone she likes and trust (me). However the minute some douche she doesn’t know were to grope her I think she’d instantly feel like crap and be made aware that she doesn’t like being touched. 

 

Thank you for your response, feel free to respond back to this however you choose. 

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1 hour ago, Ilovecake said:

Not a comprehensive list here but here are some possibilities.

 

1) she is sexual and only confident to demonstrate this when intoxicated

 

2) she is asexual and when intoxicated feels that this will help her fit in

 

3) she is asexual and drink leads her to want to change things

 

4) she is sexual, identities as asexual but when drunk her guard is down.

I think 1 and 4 are highly unlikely but you may be on to something with the other two. 

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5 hours ago, jwhit93 said:

So the girl I’m dating for sure identifies as asexual. She doesn’t like kissing or touching with the exception to hand holding. I’m not so sure how she feels about sex though, we haven’t had that talk yet. 

 

Something I noticed whenever we go out for the night is that she gets a little touchy feely after she’s had a few drinks. It’s not a whole lot but it’s enough to have caught my attention. There’s been a few times where we’ve made out in public and danced extremely close up on another (bumping and grinding). None of this behavior was ever initiated by me, she started it every time so her being pressured to do something she normally wouldn’t just for me is out of the question. 

 

Can anyone explain as to why she isn’t touch and kiss adverse when she’s intoxicated?

I don't really know because I'm not in your relationship, but is it possible she doesn't mind touching as much as she says, but she fears touching will lead to something else or make you want something else so she just avoids it in general? Then when she has been drinking, perhaps she isn't being quite on guard or aware of worrying about that aspect and just becomes closer to her more natural touchy state? I don't know. Just a thought!

 

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9 minutes ago, GLRDT said:

I don't really know because I'm not in your relationship, but is it possible she doesn't mind touching as much as she says, but she fears touching will lead to something else or make you want something else so she just avoids it in general? Then when she has been drinking, perhaps she isn't being quite on guard or aware of worrying about that aspect and just becomes closer to her more natural touchy state? I don't know. Just a thought!

 

I believe it’s her guard that’s being let down as well, I think it makes her less aware of the fact that she doesn’t like those things. 

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41 minutes ago, Ilovecake said:

If you are 100% confident she is asexual, have you raised why she becomes very sexual when she dances like that with you? Sexy dancing is typically something that I would guess only sexual people would enjoy participating in but she is choosing to do it. 

No I haven’t brought it up to her yet, I more than likely will if/when it happens again. I think inebriation lowers her guard in a way. 

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Also, you can be asexual and still like feeling sexy even if it's just for yourself. You can be asexual and enjoy dancing in a sexy way. You just don't want to actually have sex with someone. Maybe she gets more comfortable not holding that part of herself back for worry of the wrong impression when she has been drinking. 

 

I'm not saying she is anything like me, but I'm gray asexual and I like flirting and the sexual energy/tension up until actual sex. It's flattering to be desired even if you don't want sex. It's also nice to look good and sexy for myself.  I often hold back my flirtiness so people don't get the wrong idea, but if I feel safe with the people I'm with I might be more flirty if I know nothing will come from it. All just thoughts!

 

Also I know there are definitely asexuals on here who don't even like being thought of in a sexual way, so maybe she is somewhere in between them and myself when she's been drinking? Or who knows. If it bothers you, I also suggest you ask her about it next time. 

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1 hour ago, GLRDT said:

Also, you can be asexual and still like feeling sexy even if it's just for yourself. You can be asexual and enjoy dancing in a sexy way. You just don't want to actually have sex with someone. Maybe she gets more comfortable not holding that part of herself back for worry of the wrong impression when she has been drinking. 

 

I'm not saying she is anything like me, but I'm gray asexual and I like flirting and the sexual energy/tension up until actual sex. It's flattering to be desired even if you don't want sex. It's also nice to look good and sexy for myself.  I often hold back my flirtiness so people don't get the wrong idea, but if I feel safe with the people I'm with I might be more flirty if I know nothing will come from it. All just thoughts!

 

Also I know there are definitely asexuals on here who don't even like being thought of in a sexual way, so maybe she is somewhere in between them and myself when she's been drinking? Or who knows. If it bothers you, I also suggest you ask her about it next time. 

In the case of the girl I’m with her Asexuality is linked to her touch and kiss aversion. She experienced some sort of sexual abuse as a teenager that by her own words made her not desire any sort of intimacy. From most of the previous responses I think there’s too much of a focus on the broadness of Asexuality rather than the touch/kiss aversion she has. I guess what I’m trying to is I’ve made it clear on what spectrum of the Asexual scale she’s on but the responses are rather generalized to Asexuality as a whole. Please don’t dont take my words the wrong way as I’m not trying to come off like a douche :(

 

Also I was planning to bring it up the next time it happened. It doesn’t bother me, it just took me by surprise because she was suddenly doing something she confessed to hating. 

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Oh, I'm sorry! You aren't a douche at all. I must have missed the point. Good luck on your search for an answer!

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15 minutes ago, GLRDT said:

Oh, I'm sorry! You aren't a douche at all. I must have missed the point. Good luck on your search for an answer!

Okay good, thank you for trying to help!!

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