MrDane Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 I just want to adress an issue! Here we go: I am the sexual. I enjoy sex a lot. My wife is okay with doing it, by schedule and only certain things. (Changes from time to time) I know and understand, that sex often requires her to leave her comfort zone for a while. Mostly she quickly returns to comfort and enjoys my touch. Just doesnt need it again. What if I suspected that she was not comfortable yet, she said otherwise. Her body gave me signs of not being that comfortable, but I closed my eyes and listened to her words. “It is okay, honey!” Perhaps just for a single pelvic thrust, I felt like raping her, the love of my life, the mother of my children! did any of you experience the same? Going a step to far? Link to post Share on other sites
Chimeric Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 I can't say that I've ever been in this position, on one side or the other. I'm sorry that you've found yourself in it, I know that it isn't what you would have chosen. MrDane, do you think it's time to talk to a counselor or a marriage therapist about this? Your wife loves you enough to try, but it's gotten to the point where it's akin to rape possibly to you both... It might be time to reassess. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 5, 2018 Share Posted February 5, 2018 I think this is one of those times you need to talk to her. Get her to open up about how she felt. I've been on your wife's side of that, plenty of times. Barely being able to force myself to do it. Had to get time away (even just a few minutes in the bathroom) to avoid seeming totally negative feeling about it. It wasn't fun. I didn't always feel exactly bad about it, sometimes it wasn't anything worse than not really wanting to go to work in the morning can be. But, sometimes it felt like a violation, even though I was saying it was OK to do. So, the important difference is how did she feel about it? If she wasn't hurt by it, just not enjoying, then I wouldn't feel too bad - she was giving you consent and she can decide if she wants to or not. However, if she did it even though she felt really bad about it, then that's something you need to work out how to not cross that boundary again. Cause that will probably lead to a lot of negative feelings from you both. A lot of sexual partners have posted about feeling like they've raped their partner. It's hard when one is really only doing it cause you want them to. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted February 5, 2018 Author Share Posted February 5, 2018 14 hours ago, Serran said: I've been on your wife's side of that, plenty of times. Barely being able to force myself to do it. Had to get time away (even just a few minutes in the bathroom) to avoid seeming totally negative feeling about it. It wasn't fun. I didn't always feel exactly bad about it, sometimes it wasn't anything worse than not really wanting to go to work in the morning can be. But, sometimes it felt like a violation, even though I was saying it was OK to do. ...like taking air in before taking a cold shower or preparing to take your medicin? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 5, 2018 Share Posted February 5, 2018 43 minutes ago, MrDane said: ...like taking air in before taking a cold shower or preparing to take your medicin? Sort of. Just that "Ugh, I can't believe I have to do this. Lets get it over with, then I can go do something to relax" feeling. It wasn't that bad when it was just that. It was the rarer times when it just felt ... disgusting... that I had issues with. Which is why I think figuring out which way your wife felt is probably a good idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Gleep Posted February 6, 2018 Share Posted February 6, 2018 Demisexual here. I absolutely require the emotional and mental connection to even think about it. It doesn't need to be "bend me over the kitchen counter and squish the bread" but I need some desire. Do you want to be here? Is there anything else you'd rather be doing? Are you enjoying yourself - even not if you're interested in your own sexual enjoyment, but your enjoyment of what you're doing to me. Last June, it all kinda came to a head here. It had been since February since there had been anything going on and I begged and wheedled for a little fun. Three minutes into it, he sighed and said "It's been three minutes. Are you done yet?" That kinda kills the mood and has been a very sore spot ever since then. Link to post Share on other sites
anamikanon Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 On 05/02/2018 at 2:04 AM, MrDane said: I just want to adress an issue! Here we go: I am the sexual. I enjoy sex a lot. My wife is okay with doing it, by schedule and only certain things. (Changes from time to time) I know and understand, that sex often requires her to leave her comfort zone for a while. Mostly she quickly returns to comfort and enjoys my touch. Just doesnt need it again. What if I suspected that she was not comfortable yet, she said otherwise. Her body gave me signs of not being that comfortable, but I closed my eyes and listened to her words. “It is okay, honey!” Perhaps just for a single pelvic thrust, I felt like raping her, the love of my life, the mother of my children! did any of you experience the same? Going a step to far? I have felt this on several occasions. Ironically, the occasions he had a hard on! (He later shared that he literally had to keep reminding himself "think sexy thoughts, think sexy thoughts" to be able to keep it hard) It was early on in our relationship. He wanted to please me. Also didn't want to come across as sexually incapable (he is capable, just not very interested). I have a history of having suffered marital rape without physical violence. The idea of an unwilling partner going along to cater to my sexual desire is horrifying to me. I have literally stopped in horror, apologized profusely, broken down in tears.... more. Worse. With time, he realized that him pretending interest was the very last thing I wanted. He stopped doing it totally, because he realized that I DID NOT WANT SEX LIKE THIS. On his end, he too helped me see that his lack of desire was not rape if he was participating voluntarily because of other reasons that were important to him. Rape is about a lack of consent, not a lack of desire. It helped bring me down from level panic of never touching him again. He also made a point strongly - that he did not want me patronizing him about what constituted his consent. Point taken, as long as he took the point on not pretending. After much conversation (god, we've gone through a thousand issues and talked endlessly) we are at a sweet spot where he does not pretend sexual interest and I don't lose it totally if I suspect he isn't interested. We also have some clarity on things he does while not sexually interested to bring me sexual pleasure, which he says he wants to do, because he wants to bring me pleasure and those are not assessed in my mind by how horny he seems, but by how involved and interested he seems in touching me. Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
T... Posted February 26, 2018 Share Posted February 26, 2018 MrDane, I can't say I fully relate, but more than half relate... I'm the sexual too and sometimes I've been on the point of feeling "she is not in the mood", "she probably is faking it just to see me happy", "she is pushing herself", "i don't like to feel like an obligation", etc. I never felt exactly like what you describe, but I spent some time literally avoiding the topic of sex with my wife because of similar conditions. She said "yes" but the body was saying "no". Since I'm over-drive sexual and she is asexual, i was afraid of being pushy. Every time we made some "more spicy / frisky joke" she would snap at me and i started feeling i was doing something wrong, so I stopped. After a while she noticed I stopped making jokes or even do anything that could be sexually interpreted. We had a long talk, she explained to me that she wasn't in the mood and wasn't 100% comfortable (she didn't know why back then), but she was sure it was okay. We tried making limits/rules/boundaries to each other, buy some lube (she said it could help her feel better), and agreed on the limits (I want her to feel safe and comfortable). For that i can assure you the same lots of people here say: nothing is better than talking with her! For me, sex is a mental and physical experience. If the person doesn't "mean nothing special" it's an instant mood killer for me. If the body of the person is telling no, could be several reasons for that, including physiologic reasons. If she says yes (and you talk with her and she is comfortable to try it), it's not rape, but, the body could still not be receptive enough. Some people need more time to adapt, the "right conditions", etc. Temperature, lubrication and position can affect all that on the body. My wife liked a position, but during that time her body was "acting up", we couldn't do it like that. We had to try other options, gently and talking to try to understand better. (What we later found out was that a small pocket of blood was making pressure inside of her, and it was why she was feeling uncomfortable). Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted February 26, 2018 Share Posted February 26, 2018 I can more sympathize than suggest. My wife has very low interest in sex, but she sometimes does things for me that I'm pretty sure she doesn't enjoy, but which she says are fine. I find it very difficult to think around. I'm sexual, and so I'm very happy to do things for my partner that I don't physically enjoy, because psychologically I greatly enjoy their arousal. But I don't think it works that way for my wife, so she isn't enjoying doing those things for me (even though she says she does). Adding to the tangle is that words for "doesn't enjoy" cover a lot of ground. I don't enjoy doing the taxes, but that is different from not enjoying a root canal. Humans are really confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
Tasha the demi squirrel Posted February 26, 2018 Share Posted February 26, 2018 On 04/02/2018 at 8:34 PM, MrDane said: Her body gave me signs This can be tricky before I knew about demisexuality I had a situation where I felt uncomfortable and said I wasn't ready (at that time I was a virgin and understood nothing about attraction or desire) but my boyfriend at the time said he could tell from my body signs that I was ready but choosing to wait and because I didn't understand my confusion meant he was able to talk me into losing my virginity........my reason for sharing this is to point out that body signs can be confusing and emphasise how important it is to talk to your wife to gain clarity on whether she was feeling comfortable or not Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted February 26, 2018 Author Share Posted February 26, 2018 ...or to put my words differently. I knew it wasnt rape or violation. She said yes and wanted me to continue, but thereby her wish to give me pleasure overruled her own need to be comfortable. I just should have paused, stopped or irritatingly adressed the issue. Result? IDK? Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted February 26, 2018 Share Posted February 26, 2018 It's pretty much a no win. Presumably she said yes in good faith, but couldn't helping her feelings showing. You can't insist she improve her acting skills.... But if you stop, she'll feel bad, and if you don't stop, you'll feel bad. And that's the other way round from the underlying situation - she wants to stop, and you don't. Whatever you do, everyone feels bad about everything. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted February 26, 2018 Author Share Posted February 26, 2018 5 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: It's pretty much a no win. Presumably she said yes in good faith, but couldn't helping her feelings showing. You can't insist she improve her acting skills.... But if you stop, she'll feel bad, and if you don't stop, you'll feel bad. And that's the other way round from the underlying situation - she wants to stop, and you don't. Whatever you do, everyone feels bad about everything. Rigth! That was exactly what it was. An awkward twist of our mismatched sexuality. Link to post Share on other sites
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