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IronHamster

Hey, @Philip027.  It is outsourcing,  which anyone is free to do when a supplier renegs on their contractual obligations.   

 

BTW, my wife is filing for divorce.   Half our shared assets and 30% of my gross for perpetuity.   That is the cost of freedom.  I do not know how she will survive on only 30%.  She can't even make it on 100%.  

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Philip027
2 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

Hey, @Philip027.  It is outsourcing,

See my previous post.

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Chimeric
2 hours ago, IronHamster said:

I cannot for the life of me find a community where sexual people have become happy in their sexless relationship and want to tell other sexual people how to be happy by not fucking.   None.  Nada.  It.  Does. Not. Exist.  

Hi, my name is Chimeric, and I am incredibly happy in my relationship.

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vega57
1 hour ago, IronHamster said:

Hey, @Philip027.  It is outsourcing,  which anyone is free to do when a supplier renegs on their contractual obligations.   

I would LOVE to be in the courtroom when you TRY to tell this to a judge!  ROFLMAO animated emoticon

 

Quote

BTW, my wife is filing for divorce. 

Of COURSE she is. 

 

Quote

Half our shared assets and 30% of my gross for perpetuity.   That is the cost of freedom.  I do not know how she will survive on only 30%.  She can't even make it on 100%. 

You'd be surprised. 

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IronHamster
2 hours ago, Chimeric said:

Hi, my name is Chimeric, and I am incredibly happy in my relationship.

There is no active online community of people like you.  Without such, you are at best an outlier.  

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IronHamster
1 hour ago, vega57 said:

I would LOVE to be in the courtroom when you TRY to tell this to a judge!  ROFLMAO animated emoticon

 

Of COURSE she is. 

 

You'd be surprised. 

You might want to talk to a lawyer, because it seems you are about fifty years obsolete on your concerns.   

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IronHamster
2 hours ago, Philip027 said:

See my previous post.

See my previous post.  

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
53 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

There is no active online community of people like you.  Without such, you are at best an outlier.  

There is a community of sexual people on AVEN though (which is online) and it's actually pretty active (as you can see by the sexual people who comment in these threads). And there are quite a few here who are happy in their mixed relationship (which certainly doesn't always automatically imply it's sexless). Also, it may seem quite strange to you, but some sexual people can actually be quite happy without sex if the benefits of the rest of their romantic mixed relationship are pleasurable enough for them. 

 

 This thread would technically count as an 'online community'. While yes, there are some negative comments, a LOT of the comments are from sexuals who love their ace partners and are happy with them. Even if some have later become unhappy and broken up with their partner, that happens in many, many relationships. Even fully sexual relationships can fall apart after 6 months or a year and people who were once very happy together decide to go their separate ways. I know for a fact though that plenty of the sexuals who commented in that thread are still with their ace partner and are still happy.

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IronHamster
9 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

There is a community of sexual people on AVEN though (which is online) and it's actually pretty active (as you can see by the sexual people who comment in these threads). And there are quite a few here who are happy in their mixed relationship (which certainly doesn't always automatically imply it's sexless). Also, it may seem quite strange to you, but some sexual people can actually be quite happy without sex if the benefits of the rest of their romantic mixed relationship are pleasurable enough for them. 

 

 This thread would technically count as an 'online community'. While yes, there are some negative comments, a LOT of the comments are from sexuals who love their ace partners and are happy with them. Even if some have later become unhappy and broken up with their partner, that happens in many, many relationships. Even fully sexual relationships can fall apart after 6 months or a year and people who were once very happy together decide to go their separate ways. I know for a fact though that plenty of the sexuals who commented in that thread are still with their ace partner and are still happy.

A thread is an online community?  Well, that is not exactly the thriving site I was banking on not existing, so... 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
1 minute ago, IronHamster said:

A thread is an online community?  Well, that is not exactly the thriving site I was banking on not existing, so... 

An online community is anywhere where people with shared interests/experiences/etc gather to share their experiences and engage in general discussion about those experiences (just as the BDSM thread here is the 'community' for aces with kinks and fetishes)  ..and why would these couples start a whole separate website when the discussions they want to have are already happening right here on AVEN? 

 

That aside, did anyone ever tell you how much of a glass-half-empty kinda guy you are? What you originally said doesn't exist is actually *right there in front of you*, a thread where many, many sexual people discuss how happy they are with their asexual partners, and instead of saying ''oh yeah, you're right. So it's true some sexual people can be happy a mixed sexual/asexual relationship and will even gather in one place to chat about it'', you moan about it. And that's not the only place on AVEN where sexual people discuss how happy they are with their ace partners, it's just a thread that's specifically dedicated to the topic.

 

Again, just because you're utterly miserable to the extent you started cheating (and now you're clearly very bitter because your wife is leaving you over it), that doesn't mean everyone feels that way. :cake:

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IronHamster

An active online community would have regular members that posted often, bringing up new topics, new ways to be happy, perhaps, and encouraging new members.  A dead thread from 2012 is hardly active.  

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
1 minute ago, IronHamster said:

An active online community would have regular members that posted often, bringing up new topics, new ways to be happy, perhaps, and encouraging new members.  A dead thread from 2012 is hardly active.  

1) it's not 'dead' if people have been commenting in it since 2012, even if the comments come in slower as of late. And as I said already, even if some have broken up by now, perfectly sexually compatible couples often don't make it past the three year mark for multiple different reasons. Just because someone is very happy in their relationship at one point certainly does not mean they always will be, regardless of whether or not sex is happening.

 

2) there are quite a few of the sexual partners in that thread (and others who didn't comment in the thread but still express happiness with their ace partner) who are still commenting in the forums and taking an active part in threads to this day. You clearly only focus on the negative, because there are often sexual people encouraging new members about how they make it work in their mixed relationships, I was commenting in one of those threads (which was new) just yesterday, they're popping up all the time here. If you only seek out the negative though (as you appear to) that's all you're going to find.

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vega57
2 hours ago, IronHamster said:

You might want to talk to a lawyer, because it seems you are about fifty years obsolete on your concerns.   

Sweetie, I was a paralegal from 1987 to 2012.  You do the math.  As a paralegal, I've conducted many intake interviews, and assisted at numerous hearings and trials.  Plus, I've practiced in 4 states, and have been involved in several different aspects of law, one being Family Law...

 

...which includes divorce. 

 

There are currently 21 states in the US that consider adultery to be a crime.  Several of those states consider adultery to be a felony.  Do you know what a felony is?  A felony is a crime that is punishable by a year or more in prison.  Not jail; prison

 

Thankfully, most cases are not prosecuted.  All states now have no-fault divorces available, which means, that it's less costly to obtain a no-fault divorce than to prove adultery.  But I'll tell ya...if you live in one of those states where adultery is a crime, it wouldn't be too difficult to prove that you committed adutery, simply because of what you've written HERE on AVEN, and because you actually told your wife what you were doing.  And, it's documented here on AVEN. 

 

You may have wanted to prove that your wife was guilty of constructive abandonment.  However, the legal remedy for constructive abandonment is DIVORCE; NOT adultery.  And THAT is where you failed in your 'logic'No judge would take you seriously if you tried to tell him/her that you didn't commit adultery; that you "outsourced".  You'd either be laughed out of the courtroom, or you'd be considered as someone who had some serious psychological issues because you either  believe that you "outsourced" and didn't commit adultery, and/or, that you actually believe that you committed adultery, but that you're so arrogant that you believe that other people are stupid, and that the majority would agree with you.  If you tried to 'sell' your story to other 'marriage positive' forums, you'd be hung by your testicles.  It wouldn't be pretty.  And some of those forums don't have rules as strict as AVEN, so you'd be read the riot act. 

 

Most divorce cases do not get to the point of going to trial.  About 90% of them are resolved between the parties (with their lawyers), so they never get to court.  The courts encourage the parties to negotiate for a fair outcome.  

 

Oh and, by the way...you should probably be  grateful to live in an area of the world that doesn't prosecute people for adultery as readily as other parts of the world. 

 

No IronHampster, I'm not 50 years obsolete in my concerns.  Not by a longshot...

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IronHamster

Honey, that makes it not a crime in 29 states including mine where nobody gives a shit.  

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IronHamster

Oh, holy fuck, Fictovore.  How far can you twist shit.  That is as crazy as saying adults nipple sucking is not a sexual activity.  

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Chimeric
2 hours ago, IronHamster said:

Oh, holy fuck, Fictovore.  How far can you twist shit.  That is as crazy as saying adults nipple sucking is not a sexual activity.  

She's not wrong though, is she? You've been here long enough now to see the number of sexuals offering advice to other sexuals to keep their mixed relationship strong. You comment on the threads often enough (even if your advice to other sexuals is to cheat). It isn't a large community, but how could it be? The ace community isn't very large, a chunk of that community doesn't date, and a chunk of the community left that does date tries to stick to other aces.

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IronHamster

Don't be silly.  I never advocate cheating.  The deal has already been broken.  Cheating is breaking a deal.   It is the sexual refuser that is the cheater unless they clearly state before the deal is made that sex is not part of the marriage.   I have no issue with asexuals as long as they are honest, but, Fictovore is giving me doubts as to whether an asexual can indeed be honest.  She has my pity, not my anger.  My heart goes out to her because I know she has had a shitty life, and some deep scars as a result.  I would rather that these scars heal than be reinforced.  

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Chimeric
35 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

Don't be silly.  I never advocate cheating.  The deal has already been broken.  Cheating is breaking a deal.   It is the sexual refuser that is the cheater unless they clearly state before the deal is made that sex is not part of the marriage.   I have no issue with asexuals as long as they are honest, but, Fictovore is giving me doubts as to whether an asexual can indeed be honest.  She has my pity, not my anger.  My heart goes out to her because I know she has had a shitty life, and some deep scars as a result.  I would rather that these scars heal than be reinforced.  

It's absolutely fascinating to watch you redefine your experience for the sake of protecting your own, fragile facade, evoke your hero's mask, and then accuse others of twisting their words.

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Evil
1 hour ago, IronHamster said:

Don't be silly.  I never advocate cheating.  The deal has already been broken.  Cheating is breaking a deal.   It is the sexual refuser that is the cheater unless they clearly state before the deal is made that sex is not part of the marriage.   I have no issue with asexuals as long as they are honest, but, Fictovore is giving me doubts as to whether an asexual can indeed be honest.  She has my pity, not my anger.  My heart goes out to her because I know she has had a shitty life, and some deep scars as a result.  I would rather that these scars heal than be reinforced.  

This attitude gives men a bad name. No wonder some women prefer vibrators.

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IronHamster
13 minutes ago, Evil said:

This attitude gives men a bad name. No wonder some women prefer vibrators.

My most amazing affair partner shares my sentiments, and vastly prefers the experience with me to a vibrator,  so...? 

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Gldlynch

Hi Unidentifiable

 

I'm sorry that you are stuck in this pickle. It's usually one of the central complications when a sexual individual and an asexual individual are in a relationship together. One thing I can assure you is that asexuality has nothing to do with hormone imbalance. I always find this reasoning so ridiculous because imagine saying this is the reason behind homo, bi, pan or polysexuality!? If there are people who are sex-addicts in the world, then surely there are people who also stand at the other end of the spectrum - this is us.

 

Anyway, I hope you are able to work things out with your husband and help his understanding of asexuality! Best of luck!

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Chimeric
28 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

My most amazing affair partner shares my sentiments, and vastly prefers the experience with me to a vibrator,  so...? 

I'd prefer my partner over a vibrator - perhaps you're doing something wrong. =)

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IronHamster
6 minutes ago, Chimeric said:

I'd prefer my partner over a vibrator - perhaps you're doing something wrong. =)

Congrats.  Maybe you should work on your reading comprehension.   

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Chimeric
1 minute ago, IronHamster said:

Congrats.  Maybe you should work on your reading comprehension.   

Oops. =) 

 

I missed the edit - I thought I was responding to your original post, the one about your "most amazing affair partner" preferring her vibrator. :lol:

 

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Evil
4 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

Congrats.  Maybe you should work on your reading comprehension.   

Maybe you should be more honest about editing your posts.

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iff

Please remain civil in your responses and bear in mind that the thread is from a member seeking help for their personal situation.

 

We encourage you to step away from a thread should you feel frustration, and to avoid posting if there are posters present with whom you strongly disagree.

 

iff,

moderator, sexual partners, friends & allies

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IronHamster
18 minutes ago, Chimeric said:

Oops. =) 

 

I missed the edit - I thought I was responding to your original post, the one about your "most amazing affair partner" preferring her vibrator. :lol:

 

I realized that could be interpreted two ways, and needed to clarify.  We're cool.   

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anamikanon
On 04/02/2018 at 2:28 AM, Unidentifiable said:

I'm new to this and have been lingering a bit ... reading posts and trying to figure myself out.

 

Im a 33 year old heteromantic asexual (maybe grey) female. Married to husband for 3 years but been together for 13 years. I have never enjoyed sex but went along with things because it was what I figured I should be doing. I just assumed everyone else was exaggerating about how amazing sex is, until I discovered asexuality like a month ago.

 

Im not sex repulsed ... but I'd rather just get it over with quickly, it's alot of uncomfortable positions, hair in face, uncomfortable dead eye facial expressions, awkward attempts at dirty talk, unnecessary sweating and bouncing around in my opinion lol

 

My husband has a high sex drive (at least I think it is) and we have battled about sex our entire relationship. Which is exhausting. I've tried multiple things to kick my sex drive up a notch ... but nothing really works. I tried erotic novels, which did get me in the mood ... but then I'd be all disappointed when things didn't go as amazing as in the book haha

 

Like seriously... maybe tmi but I never even gave a bj until I was 30 year old ... and wish I never had because now he is always after me to do it 😧

 

I get irritated with his constant boob grabs and sexual comments ... then I feel guilty for giving him s**t for expressing his needs.

 

Husband wants me to go to the doctor to talk about hormone imbalances. I'm going to go just to prove that there is nothing physically wrong with me.

 

I fear that it might be a deal breaker in our marriage for him ... Which makes me want to just continue to go along with things because he is my best friend and I can't imagine life without him.

 

Reading all of these posts is helping me to gather the courage to have the talk with him and find a way to make this work. Just like I will have to work with him to understand asexuality ... I have to work with him to understand sexuality.

 

Thanks to all for the courage boost!!

I am sexual, and I'm just reading this post and imagining what I'd say if my partner said this. It may not be your situation.

 

Firstly, whether you continue to have sex in spite of not being interested because of your feelings for him is something only you can decide and you seem to have decided, at least temporarily, so I'm basing my response based on that.

 

In my view, compromises of this sort are very hard to pull off long term, if not impossible. If you are really keen on making this work long term, perhaps you need to find some workable middle ground in terms of your own pleasure (which may not be sexual).

 

Some things that come to mind (and this is from intimate knowledge of only two asexuals - my own phases of asexuality and my partner):

  • You said erotic novels did get you in the mood, though reality disappoints. I am curious about whether you are able to masturbate yourself to a climax. This is something I have found helpful for women in particular (men seem to get masturbating more instinctively it is harder to get a woman to climax and disinterest may lower the chances further). But I have found that learning to masturbate and my body being able to experience a climax helped me climax during sex much easier. While you may not want sex for yourself, experiencing a climax could be pleasurable. My asexual partner is able to enjoy a climax - even though he rarely wants it enough to chase it - it certainly makes sex enjoyable for him even if not something he'd seek. If you are able to climax reliably, you could teach your partner how to get you off as well, making it more.... mutual and less meaningless bouncing around.
  • Identify the worst of it and junk it already: whatever position seems awkward, stupid or makes you self conscious, ask your partner to avoid it during sex (if all are absurd, junk the worst offenders). This may mean that you avoid the woman on top position for example, but if it makes you feel less absurd, it will help you feel more comfortable - even if you don't exactly enjoy it.
  • This is a bit of a dirty trick. My partner has mastered it. Since you're already willing to engage in sex and are likely to be completely "sober" compared with your partner, figure out what gets your partner off fast. And use it to keep the sex quick. This may mean figuring out some specific stimulation he enjoys (asking can work - besides, asking itself will be a sexual input for a sexual person ;) ). I can't speak for everyone, but if the sex is so good that I climax very fast, I'm less likely to be complaining than say.... a disinterested partner.
  • He's the one chasing a climax. Keep his focus on his own climax. This may mean coming out to him as an asexual and taking your own climax off the table as a goal. The less he is distracted by trying to get you off, the more likely he is to focus on what he is feeling - contributes towards getting off fast.
  • Sex toys: For when you'd like your involvement to be minimal, but don't want him to feel completely alone about his sexual desire.
  • Identify what motivates you about his sexual pleasure and learn to leverage that. My asexual partner says that seeing me have a climax makes him feel good for causing it. He also finds the pleasure of touching each other in sex - an extension of cuddling, kissing, etc. At least that is what he says.
  • Sooner or later you are going to have to discuss this with him openly. Finding middle ground is much easier with a cooperative partner rather than an uncooperative one or one who has no idea what is going on with you.
Edited by anamikanon
Added an idea
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Telecaster68
On 03/02/2018 at 8:58 PM, Unidentifiable said:

I'm new to this and have been lingering a bit ... reading posts and trying to figure myself out.

 

Im a 33 year old heteromantic asexual (maybe grey) female. Married to husband for 3 years but been together for 13 years. I have never enjoyed sex but went along with things because it was what I figured I should be doing. I just assumed everyone else was exaggerating about how amazing sex is, until I discovered asexuality like a month ago.

 

Im not sex repulsed ... but I'd rather just get it over with quickly, it's alot of uncomfortable positions, hair in face, uncomfortable dead eye facial expressions, awkward attempts at dirty talk, unnecessary sweating and bouncing around in my opinion lol

 

My husband has a high sex drive (at least I think it is) and we have battled about sex our entire relationship. Which is exhausting. I've tried multiple things to kick my sex drive up a notch ... but nothing really works. I tried erotic novels, which did get me in the mood ... but then I'd be all disappointed when things didn't go as amazing as in the book haha

 

Like seriously... maybe tmi but I never even gave a bj until I was 30 year old ... and wish I never had because now he is always after me to do it 😧

 

I get irritated with his constant boob grabs and sexual comments ... then I feel guilty for giving him s**t for expressing his needs.

 

Husband wants me to go to the doctor to talk about hormone imbalances. I'm going to go just to prove that there is nothing physically wrong with me.

 

I fear that it might be a deal breaker in our marriage for him ... Which makes me want to just continue to go along with things because he is my best friend and I can't imagine life without him.

 

Reading all of these posts is helping me to gather the courage to have the talk with him and find a way to make this work. Just like I will have to work with him to understand asexuality ... I have to work with him to understand sexuality.

 

Thanks to all for the courage boost!!

Re-reading this...

 

Have you ever been with anyone else? Not to be rude to your husband, but reading between the lines:

 

- sex was never very good

- he does boob grabs and makes sexual comments you're not comfortable with. This is not great behaviour and would put off a lot of sexual women too. It's immature.

- you don't have the kind of sexual relationship where you talk about it sex, for 13 years, and he's apparently jumped straight to hormones as the course, without (I'm assuming) initiating a serious conversation about how you feel about sex

 

It might be that you're not enjoying sex because he's not that great a sexual partner, either physically or emotionally.

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anamikanon
27 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Re-reading this...

 

Have you ever been with anyone else? Not to be rude to your husband, but reading between the lines:

 

- sex was never very good

- he does boob grabs and makes sexual comments you're not comfortable with. This is not great behaviour and would put off a lot of sexual women too. It's immature.

- you don't have the kind of sexual relationship where you talk about it sex, for 13 years, and he's apparently jumped straight to hormones as the course, without (I'm assuming) initiating a serious conversation about how you feel about sex

 

It might be that you're not enjoying sex because he's not that great a sexual partner, either physically or emotionally.

Agree on the boob grabs and sexual comments. My ex-husband did those and notice the ex before the husband now - it triggered an asexual phase that lasted several years and well into the beginning of relationship with current (asexual) partner. Particularly if you've "given him s**t" about it and he persists, it may be worth considering that he is an inconsiderate lover who does not care that he is hurting you if he wants to get off. This is never a good sign and if we are describing this accurately, you may want to reconsider your cooperation altogether. Allowing yourself to be disrespected should never be on the table. A no is a no.

 

If he has been your only lover, you may not be asexual even (going by the erotica and expectations it created), merely sex repulsed because of a bad partner.

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