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Unidentifiable

I'm new to this and have been lingering a bit ... reading posts and trying to figure myself out.

 

Im a 33 year old heteromantic asexual (maybe grey) female. Married to husband for 3 years but been together for 13 years. I have never enjoyed sex but went along with things because it was what I figured I should be doing. I just assumed everyone else was exaggerating about how amazing sex is, until I discovered asexuality like a month ago.

 

Im not sex repulsed ... but I'd rather just get it over with quickly, it's alot of uncomfortable positions, hair in face, uncomfortable dead eye facial expressions, awkward attempts at dirty talk, unnecessary sweating and bouncing around in my opinion lol

 

My husband has a high sex drive (at least I think it is) and we have battled about sex our entire relationship. Which is exhausting. I've tried multiple things to kick my sex drive up a notch ... but nothing really works. I tried erotic novels, which did get me in the mood ... but then I'd be all disappointed when things didn't go as amazing as in the book haha

 

Like seriously... maybe tmi but I never even gave a bj until I was 30 year old ... and wish I never had because now he is always after me to do it 😧

 

I get irritated with his constant boob grabs and sexual comments ... then I feel guilty for giving him s**t for expressing his needs.

 

Husband wants me to go to the doctor to talk about hormone imbalances. I'm going to go just to prove that there is nothing physically wrong with me.

 

I fear that it might be a deal breaker in our marriage for him ... Which makes me want to just continue to go along with things because he is my best friend and I can't imagine life without him.

 

Reading all of these posts is helping me to gather the courage to have the talk with him and find a way to make this work. Just like I will have to work with him to understand asexuality ... I have to work with him to understand sexuality.

 

Thanks to all for the courage boost!!

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roland.o

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, Unidentifiable! Have some cake... :cake:

 

I'm glad that you're figuring yourself out, and that you make steps in addressing the problems in your relationship. There is definitely nothing wrong with you, but apparently a lack of understanding on your husband's part.

 

What you describe might just as well happen in a relationship between two sexuals with different preferences and libidos. Actually, a friend's best friend is currently seeking a divorce after 25 years, because of her husband's inability to adjust in this regard. And she wishes she had made that step much sooner. So don't make too many compromises.

 

Tell him what you desire and how you're willing to compromise. Listen to what he desires and how he's willing to compromise. Find some common ground and make an agreement, if you can. But if he isn't willing to meet you somewhere in the middle, if he continues to think you need to be "fixed" in some way, you better call it quits.

 

All the best to you! :cake: :-)

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Unidentifiable

I could very happily go the rest of my life without sex ... but I love my husband am and willing to participate because it is one of his needs.

 

I am worried however at someone becoming resentful because of the compromises. I just want to be myself and not feel guilty for it.

 

If we didn't have two kids ... the choice would be easier

Edited by Unidentifiable

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MrDane
39 minutes ago, Unidentifiable said:

I could very happily go the rest of my life without sex ... but I love my husband am and willing to participate because it is one of his needs.

 

I am worried however at someone becoming resentful because of the compromises. I just want to be myself and not feel guilty for it.

 

If we didn't have two kids ... the choice would be easier

Easier as in...? Then you would say no to sex and he would leave and you would not care or would be happy because he feels miserable to stay???  Please explan!

 

yes, it is a constant worry for me as well. When will the cup be full and when will she reach the next level and say: “look! Sex is now even further off the table between us. Now it is not just ‘meeh! A bit boring!’ But more like ‘no, thanks. Dont like it”

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Unidentifiable

 

3 hours ago, roland.o said:

But if he isn't willing to meet you somewhere in the middle, if he continues to think you need to be "fixed" in some way, you better call it quits.

That's what would be easier if we didn't have kids. I would likely feel things would be best if we split up ... I wouldn't having to compromise who I am, and he wouldn't either.

 

I don't like having sex as much as I don't like making him feel undesirable or unloved. But for him to feel loved, he needs the sex.

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Always looking for answers

@Unidentifiable, I hope you two find a way to compromise without one of you stepping of his/hers boundaries too much. And I agree with Roland.o that what you describe is something that might also happen in relationships where there's no asexuality involved. People just have different libido's, just like different appetites for food or different needs to exercise. Long before I heard about AVEN, I was already convinced that the perfect sexual match is very rare, because whenever I heard friends talk about problems in their relationships, it was ALWAYS about the partner wanting more or less sex than them. As far as I knew, sex was always a compromise so just like you I always went along because I thought I had to but always hoping it would be over asap. By now I understand that I have probably always been asexual but because I thought I had no choice, I went along way too long. I got so traumatized I almost reached the point of having a mental break down.

 

I'm 35 years old and by telling my BF I can't put myself through emotional pain due to having sex anymore, for the first time of my life I feel like I really have a say in what happens to my body and it feels like freedom. We opened up the relationship so he can find another girl to have his needs met, while I finally have some peace in my head.

 

Hopefully you two are talking about it and finding a compromise that works for the both of you before one of you reaches a breaking point. Good luck :) 

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Telecaster68
7 hours ago, Always looking for answers said:

agree with Roland.o that what you describe is something that might also happen in relationships where there's no asexuality involved.

I disagree. Even if there's a marked difference in libidos, sexual couples still desire each other and understand it has a place in their relationship. When one is asexual, the other has to come to terms with knowing they're never desired, never have been and never will be. Their partner doesn't see sex as anything to do with their relationship. That's a qualitative difference, and a very hard one for sexuals to feel isn't a personal rejection, because they're the only one being rejected.

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Tarfeather
16 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

and a very hard one for sexuals to feel isn't a personal rejection, because they're the only one being rejected.

Wait.. isn't everyone being rejected?

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Telecaster68

Edited....

 

Yes, everyone is, but only person has any reason to feel it's an issue.

 

Technically, I'm blanket rejecting sex with every man in the world, but none of them are bothered because I'm not in a relationship with them. 

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Tarfeather

Well, my way of looking at it is, that my partner is rejecting everyone by default, and sometimes making an exception for me and only me. But then again, I've made the transition away from thinking of her as romantic partner, and toward seeing her as a friend who happens to be important enough to be a life partner. Huge difference of perspective. I can see that if you view your partner as romantic partner, then the sexual rejection is extra painful to a sexual person.

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Telecaster68

'Partner' means romantic relationship. There's no 'if'.

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Tarfeather

Well, that's slightly bigoted..

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Telecaster68

Not for the more than 99% of the population who aren't aromantic.

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Ilovecake
On 03/02/2018 at 8:58 PM, Unidentifiable said:

Married to husband for 3 years but been together for 13 years. I have never enjoyed sex but went along with things because it was what I figured I should be doing. I just assumed everyone else was exaggerating about how amazing sex is, until I discovered asexuality like a month ago.

Hi there, I have a few questions having read your post as it has made me somewhat concerned.

 

Why Do you think this has happened 3 years after you got married as opposed to during the 10 years you spent unmarried?

 

Baring in mind you have “never really enjoyed sex” have you gone along with it anyway and allowed him to believe that you did?

 

Do you think he would have married you if you had told him that you don’t enjoy sex, see it as unnecessary sweating and bouncing around and would happily never have sex again and if so, did that influence your decision not to tell him?

 

And finally, I see you have 2 children. Did you want children and was the sex you had to achieve the children enjoyable?

 

 

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Ilovecake
On 03/02/2018 at 9:22 PM, roland.o said:

Actually, a friend's best friend is currently seeking a divorce after 25 years, because of her husband's inability to adjust in this regard. And she wishes she had made that step much sooner. So don't make too many compromises.

Just out of interest....

 

Do you see it as simply the case that your friends husband should be the one to do all the adjusting?

The advice you gave about “not making too many compromises”, is that the same advice that you would give to your friends husband If you were asked to give him advice?

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roland.o
7 hours ago, Ilovecake said:

Do you see it as simply the case that your friends husband should be the one to do all the adjusting?

That relationship was between two sexuals. And they had couple's therapy and stuff. It's not like they didn't try to find common ground. But from a distance (it's a friend's friend, not mine) it looks like he was OK with the kind of sex they were having, while she was seriously dissatisfied. I cannot tell if he didn't see the problem, or if he was unable to address it.

 

7 hours ago, Ilovecake said:

The advice you gave about “not making too many compromises”, is that the same advice that you would give to your friends husband If you were asked to give him advice?

Eventually, yes. If partners are not compatible, it's better to walk separate ways, or to turn the relationship into a just-friends kind of thing.

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James121
On 05/02/2018 at 10:34 AM, Ilovecake said:

Hi there, I have a few questions having read your post as it has made me somewhat concerned.

 

Why Do you think this has happened 3 years after you got married as opposed to during the 10 years you spent unmarried?

 

Baring in mind you have “never really enjoyed sex” have you gone along with it anyway and allowed him to believe that you did?

 

Do you think he would have married you if you had told him that you don’t enjoy sex, see it as unnecessary sweating and bouncing around and would happily never have sex again and if so, did that influence your decision not to tell him?

 

And finally, I see you have 2 children. Did you want children and was the sex you had to achieve the children enjoyable?

 

 

As above. These are very relevant questions and they remain unanswered. Draw your own conclusions.

Edited by James121

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MrDane
On 4/2/2018 at 10:48 AM, Telecaster68 said:

'Partner' means romantic relationship. There's no 'if'.

I agree. Next step is to redefine the relationship, as the romantic thing isnt there and perhaps never was. Will that erase the ‘understanding of the expectations and standards and doings of a relationship’? To most people a relationship without romance (and sex and other physical stuff being important here!) is a step down from being in love. There can be many good reasons why to stay and be a good couple and love eachother like best friends do. 

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Chimeric
On 2/5/2018 at 5:34 AM, Ilovecake said:

Do you think he would have married you if you had told him that you don’t enjoy sex, see it as unnecessary sweating and bouncing around and would happily never have sex again and if so, did that influence your decision not to tell him?

This seems particularly pointed and though I can't even begin to answer for the OP, I can answer for my own failed marriage.

 

Many things contributed to its demise; one was mismatched libidos (he may very well actually be hypersexual by society standards, not just by my own; my libido diminished as our relationship carried on), and another was a stringent lack of desire for reproducing on my part. When we married, life was good. I was not out to get him or to trick him or to tie him down with promises of sex and children and a white picket fence (in complete and objective fairness, I would have been the main breadwinner in the family; if anything, he would have been the one tying me down :lol:). Sex wasn't even a discussion before marriage, because we had a decent sex life and there was no reason to think it wouldn't continue. We got married young, and at 22 years of age I told myself he wanted children more than I didn't want them, and as long as he was willing to be the stay-at-home parent so that I could focus on my career, that was fine with me. As we grew up and I focused more on my education and my career, sex and children dropped in my list of priorities; children fell off of the list altogether.

 

Questions like this put me on edge a little bit because they frame the scenario as one where the asexual partner is somehow conniving their partner into a relationship. I'm sure this does occur, but I'm also sure it occurs very rarely. Look around at these forums - many of the asexual folks in a mixed relationship are hurting for not being willing or able to give their sexual partner everything that the sexual partner wants. When this sort of crossroads is reached, it is humongously unfair to place the blame on anyone - or at least not to place the blame evenly. 

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Ilovecake
On 13/02/2018 at 1:52 AM, Chimeric said:

This seems particularly pointed and though I can't even begin to answer for the OP, I can answer for my own failed marriage.

 

Many things contributed to its demise; one was mismatched libidos (he may very well actually be hypersexual by society standards, not just by my own; my libido diminished as our relationship carried on), and another was a stringent lack of desire for reproducing on my part. When we married, life was good. I was not out to get him or to trick him or to tie him down with promises of sex and children and a white picket fence (in complete and objective fairness, I would have been the main breadwinner in the family; if anything, he would have been the one tying me down :lol:). Sex wasn't even a discussion before marriage, because we had a decent sex life and there was no reason to think it wouldn't continue. We got married young, and at 22 years of age I told myself he wanted children more than I didn't want them, and as long as he was willing to be the stay-at-home parent so that I could focus on my career, that was fine with me. As we grew up and I focused more on my education and my career, sex and children dropped in my list of priorities; children fell off of the list altogether.

 

Questions like this put me on edge a little bit because they frame the scenario as one where the asexual partner is somehow conniving their partner into a relationship. I'm sure this does occur, but I'm also sure it occurs very rarely. Look around at these forums - many of the asexual folks in a mixed relationship are hurting for not being willing or able to give their sexual partner everything that the sexual partner wants. When this sort of crossroads is reached, it is humongously unfair to place the blame on anyone - or at least not to place the blame evenly. 

I going to try hard not to deliberately offend here but on one hand you are saying that it’s humongously unfair to attribute blame. I understand why you say that because it’s never nice for someone to be blamed. However, on the other hand you say you became focused on your education and career and that the casualties for this were the children you were supposed to have and the sex life you once had with your partner.

Maybe it isn’t conniving but is it a little self centred maybe? 

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Chimeric
On 2/13/2018 at 9:32 PM, Ilovecake said:

Maybe it isn’t conniving but is it a little self centred maybe? 

Maybe, but I did make it crystal clear to him before we got married that my education was a massive, massive priority in my life, and that I wasn't dedicating 30+ years of schooling to go out and work for 5 of them. When he went to ask my dad for permission to marry me (sidenote - totally a gentlemanly thing to do), my dad said exactly the same thing to him. It wasn't like he didn't know this going into the relationship. We started dating in high school, so he was with me when I got my acceptances into my top choice university, and then my top choice medical program, all before we tied the knot - that part wasn't a surprise to him.

 

Insofar as the kids thing - that wasn't intentional. It's not my career getting in the way of kids. The way I worded it makes it sound like I'm choosing my career over kids, but the reason that choice is so easy to make is because I really don't want them. I think even if I wasn't so focused on the work aspect of my life, I still wouldn't want children. I couldn't have known this at 22, I really did assume eventually my maternal instinct would kick in - but it didn't. Now that I'm with someone who also doesn't want kids, the relief is, like, palpable.

 

The sex dropped off when I was working on my medical degree. Largely because holy hell it's a lot of work, but also because I went from being very active to sitting for 10+ hours a day. I gained some weight, I didn't feel pretty, and instead of doing all the things a man can do to reassure his partner that she's still bangin', he agreed I was becoming fat and undesirable (his words). =) Even when I wanted to have sex, it's really super hard being comfortable doing so knowing your partner thinks you're hideous the whole time. It's a complicated story with a whole lotta layers (the same way any relationship is), but basically - I didn't "trick" him into marrying me, the circumstances put what very well could have been a temporary hold on our sex life into place, and instead of fostering the relationship, it fizzled out. There were no tricks and certainly no conniving on my part.

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IronHamster

@Unidentifiable, my warmest greetings.   My situation has dragged on a bit longer than yours, but it is very similar, and I am speaking from the side of your husband as honestly as I can.  

 

You two have compatibility issues that are probably "irreconcilable differences."  Maybe you do not need to be fixed, but he needs a sexual outlet.   Here are your choices.  

1.  Try to keep things the same and let him be miserable.  This is not loving of you.  This is for your own survival at the expense of his happiness. 

2.  Talk about opening up the marriage with clear communication and boundaries.   Take part in his sexuality with him.  Help him find other women, with the understanding that this is just for sex.  Perhaps even watch.  

3.  Accept that he will divorce you, because the relationship is not meeting his needs and it is the honest thing to do.  

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
10 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

@Unidentifiable, my warmest greetings.   My situation has dragged on a bit longer than yours, but it is very similar, and I am speaking from the side of your husband as honestly as I can.  

 

You two have compatibility issues that are probably "irreconcilable differences."  Maybe you do not need to be fixed, but he needs a sexual outlet.   Here are your choices.  

1.  Try to keep things the same and let him be miserable.  This is not loving of you.  This is for your own survival at the expense of his happiness. 

2.  Talk about opening up the marriage with clear communication and boundaries.   Take part in his sexuality with him.  Help him find other women, with the understanding that this is just for sex.  Perhaps even watch.  

3.  Accept that he will divorce you, because the relationship is not meeting his needs and it is the honest thing to do.  

I like the way literally all your options will still leave the OP unhappy, while at least with option two the husband gets to live it up large while his wife helps him find women to screw. Your answer comes across as really condescending and insensitive, especially the way in the last option you're literally putting it all on the OP. Seriously, have some common decency, I'm sick of seeing you treating people like they're automatically the bad guy if they're unable to have as much sex as they know their partner wants. Can't you tell this person feels really bad about the fact that they don't want it as much as their partner does? You don't need to come along and make it worse.

 

On 2/4/2018 at 1:47 PM, Unidentifiable said:

 

That's what would be easier if we didn't have kids. I would likely feel things would be best if we split up ... I wouldn't having to compromise who I am, and he wouldn't either.

 

I don't like having sex as much as I don't like making him feel undesirable or unloved. But for him to feel loved, he needs the sex.

Firstly, I'm sorry that you are feeling this way, I know how hard it can be (on both sides of it!). Something I noticed growing up, and I've seen other people mention this too, is that kids can often pick up on unhappiness in their parents relationship. Even if the parents aren't overtly fighting or arguing, sometimes kids can pick up on the tension and if their parents are unhappy, kids can often pick up on that. Sometimes, having two separated parents who are happy (due to the fact that they're no longer together causing unhappiness for them both) can be better for kids than living in a home with two unhappy parents. Now, I'm not saying you should definitely break up, BUT, how do you think things would be different if you and your husband were able to separate, but remain good friends who enjoy each others company, spend a lot of time together with your children, share in expenses and childcare and all that.. but as friends, you are both free to seek your intimate happiness elsewhere. You could eventually seek the love of an asexual person who will love and adore you without ever wanting sex from you, and your husband could seek a new relationship with a woman who desires sex the way that he does. You could both potentially be really happy this way, living apart and both still being the best parents you can be as friends instead of 'lovers' and the kids may be happier seeing how much happier you both are. This way no one is really 'losing' and hopefully you would both be able to keep a healthy, constructive, and happy friendship for your children. How do you think he might react if you decided this sort of separation might be an option for you both? Would he be upset do you think, or might he enjoy the idea of keeping you as a friend but living separately and still partaking in parenting together etc? :cake:

 

 

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IronHamster

@FictoVore.  Option #1 is what she is doing now.  If you dislike this, and dislike my other two options, then the weight of explaining a fourth or fifth option is on your shoulders.  

 

Besides, how do you know she would not like option #2?  If she tries it twice she may get hooked on the excitement of seeing her husband happy.  

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
2 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

@FictoVore.  Option #1 is what she is doing now.  If you dislike this, and dislike my other two options, then the weight of explaining a fourth or fifth option is on your shoulders.  

 

Besides, how do you know she would not like option #2?  If she tries it twice she may get hooked on the excitement of seeing her husband happy.  

How do you know that he would like or even be open to option #2? Not everyone is like you IronHamster. But the way you worded it was indeed pretty heartless. Regarding #1, again, she is also very unhappy as you can tell. You rubbing it in like that (by saying her lack of desire for sexual intimacy and inability to enjoy sex means she's doing this 'for her own survival and at the expense of his happiness', and that it's 'not loving of her') is just cruel. It would be like if a sexual partner came here looking for advice and I responded 'you wanting sex with your wife is not at all loving, if you really cared about her you'd put her happiness first and stop wanting sex'... that would just be cruel of me, and also as impossible for a sexual person as *wanting* sex is for an ace.

 

 She's already aware he's unhappy and that's making her unhappy, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love him (she wouldn't care that he's unhappy if she didn't love him).. she also can't control the fact that she just does not desire that sexual intimacy (just he can't control that he does desire it).

 

The way you speak about asexuals around here (or anyone who for whatever reason doesn't want to engage in sex) makes a lot of people very uncomfortable, not just me. I understand you're bitter about what you went through with your wife but not everyone in a mixed relationship feels the same way you do.

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IronHamster
1 minute ago, FictoVore. said:

How do you know that he would like or even be open to option #2? Not everyone is like you IronHamster. But the way you worded it was indeed pretty heartless. Regarding #1, again, she is also very unhappy as you can tell. You rubbing it in like that (by saying her lack of desire for sexual intimacy and inability to enjoy sex means she's doing this 'for her own survival and at the expense of his happiness', and that it's 'not loving of her') is just cruel. It would be like if a sexual partner came here looking for advice and I responded 'you wanting sex with your wife is not at all loving, if you really cared about her you'd put her happiness first and stop wanting sex'... that would just be cruel of me, and also as impossible for a sexual person as *wanting* sex is for an ace.

 

 She's already aware he's unhappy and that's making her unhappy, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love him (she wouldn't care that he's unhappy if she didn't love him).. she also can't control the fact that she just does not desire that sexual intimacy (just he can't control that he does desire it).

 

The way you speak about asexuals around here (or anyone who for whatever reason doesn't want to engage in sex) makes a lot of people very uncomfortable, not just me. I understand you're bitter about what you went through with your wife but not everyone in a mixed relationship feels the same way you do.

I may be blunt, but I am bluntly honest.   

 

Tell me, I see this community which teaches that asexuality is fine.  I am fine with that as long as it is honest.   I see many other communities that deal with sexless relationships for whatever cause.  Any cause.  Every cause.  I cannot for the life of me find a community where sexual people have become happy in their sexless relationship and want to tell other sexual people how to be happy by not fucking.   None.  Nada.  It.  Does. Not. Exist.  

 

I make a damned good living fixing and replacing high dollar equipment.  Some things can be fixed.  Some things cannot be fixed.   The same statement applies to pets, people, and relationships.  It may not be happy, but know when it is time to put a dog down.  

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
33 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

I may be blunt, but I am bluntly honest.   

 

Tell me, I see this community which teaches that asexuality is fine.  I am fine with that as long as it is honest.   I see many other communities that deal with sexless relationships for whatever cause.  Any cause.  Every cause.  I cannot for the life of me find a community where sexual people have become happy in their sexless relationship and want to tell other sexual people how to be happy by not fucking.   None.  Nada.  It.  Does. Not. Exist.  

 

I make a damned good living fixing and replacing high dollar equipment.  Some things can be fixed.  Some things cannot be fixed.   The same statement applies to pets, people, and relationships.  It may not be happy, but know when it is time to put a dog down.  

For a start, we do have some sexual partners here who are legitimately happy in their mixed relationships, some which have lasted for decades now. It all depends on the sexual person and their partner, and both of their individual needs and ability to compromise etc. Also, not all mixed relationships are sexless.. some asexuals give their partner constant sex in the hopes of keeping that partner happy (and the asexual will often suffer as much in that kind of relationship as a sexual person does when going without sex).

 

Secondly, just because many sexual people are unhappy with asexual partners (and believe me, asexuals can be JUST as miserable with their sexual partner) that's no need to be cruel to people and to put this all on asexuals who are already feeling very guilty and emotionally torn-up because they can't make themselves want something that their partner wants. 

 

And there's a difference between being blunt and being cruel, but this is getting off topic now so I'll leave it at this.

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vega57
41 minutes ago, IronHamster said:

@FictoVore.  Option #1 is what she is doing now.  If you dislike this, and dislike my other two options, then the weight of explaining a fourth or fifth option is on your shoulders.  

 

Besides, how do you know she would not like option #2?  If she tries it twice she may get hooked on the excitement of seeing her husband happy.  

Here's a 4th and a 5th option:

4.  Maybe they could BOTH agree for him to get a sexbot. 

5.  SHE can divorce HIM.

 

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IronHamster

I see nothing cruel about being honest.  What I see as cruel is pressuring your spouse to do things they do not want to do.  

 

I can tell you that if my wife had been willing to put out once a week just for three or four hours without insult I would not have been frustrated enough to go out and find @Idgaf96, but, now that I have experienced being with her, I go limp dealing with my wife's half hearted attempts.  

 

Cruel would be both subjecting my wife to sex she did not want, or subjecting me to celibacy.   Cruel would be not admitting we are incompatible.   

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Philip027
Quote

Cruel would be both subjecting my wife to sex she did not want, or subjecting me to celibacy.   Cruel would be not admitting we are incompatible. 

Whatever makes you feel better about cheating, bub.

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