Springer Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 Hi My boyfriend and I are together for a year and a half now. I wasn't his first sexual partner but he never really 'dared' to open himself to new things in terms of sex. His girlfriend before me was shy and inexperienced too. I am very sexual and very experienced. In the beginning there was a kind of regular amout of sex. There was no problem in terms of technically. With time, the sex became more and more rare. I tried to open introduce him to new things to maybe attract him more to having sex. I love my boyfriend more than anything and we don't really have any other problems in our relationship. A few weeks ago I tried talking about this. He explained to me that he is simply not very interested in sex, and that it's not about me. He doesn't like the idea of having sex, especially if it's often. He loves the fact that he is like that and is not interested in trying to research or talk to someone about it. I don't know if I can commit to a relationship that doesn't include sex but I love him so much and he makes me happy. What can I do? Link to post Share on other sites
simplyalex Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 First of all, thanks for visiting AVEN, dear Springer. I think your boyfriend is confused about sex and his own feelings. That's normal and believe me, it happens to many people everywhere. No, I'm not saying he could be gay or queer. No, no, dear. Being asexual is a completely different issue, which requires a lot of patience and understanding. Kindly talk to him and tell him about this new group you have met. Encourage him to read with you. Learn together, if possible. Link to post Share on other sites
roland.o Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 Hello Springer, welcome to the AVEN forums! Have another cake... :-) 3 hours ago, Springer said: I don't know if I can commit to a relationship that doesn't include sex but I love him so much and he makes me happy. What can I do? As long as he's making you happy, keep up the conversation, learn about eachother, find some common ground, enjoy what you get. But a very dear friend of mine was in a similar situation. She tried for three years to make that relationship work, all the while pouring her self-esteem into the gutter, because it very much depended on feeling desired by her partner. No matter how much you love him, if the two of you should turn out to be incompatible, you better let him go. Keep a close eye on how happy you really are. All the best, to both of you! Link to post Share on other sites
WhatEverDontCare Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 49 minutes ago, roland.o said: No matter how much you love him, if the two of you should turn out to be incompatible, you better let him go. Keep a close eye on how happy you really are. Agree. If sex is very important for you, you should probably consider ending the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Chimeric Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 4 hours ago, Springer said: I don't know if I can commit to a relationship that doesn't include sex but I love him so much and he makes me happy. What can I do? It's really good that you're honest with yourself about this, and it's really good that your boyfriend has been honest with you about his feelings. First and foremost, it's really important to realize that he means it when he tells you it isn't about you, it's about the sex. He doesn't want sex; that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Secondly, this - 4 hours ago, Springer said: He loves the fact that he is like that and is not interested in trying to research or talk to someone about it. As he should be. For some people, a lack of sex drive or an inability to have sex is related to an underlying factor; it sounds like, for him, it isn't. It's just the way that he is, and he's happy with that - in which case, there is no amount of "research" or "talking to someone about it" that's going to change anything, and that's ok. There's nothing to change, it's just the way he is. Mixed a/sexual relationships can work, but they require a lot of communication and compromise and the part of both parties. There are questions the two of you will have to answer. What's the bare minimum amount of sex that you would be okay with? For him, what's the maximum amount of sex he'd be willing to have? Is there somewhere in that range where both of you would be happy? Are there other ways that he communicates his love and appreciation for you that will satisfy your needs for feeling loved and appreciated? Are you willing to accept that this is going to be a lifelong thing, that he may become less interested in sex as time goes on? Is he willing to open the relationship to allow you to get your needs fulfilled elsewhere/is this something you would be comfortable doing? If you can't reach a compromise, ending the relationship may be the best thing for you both. Link to post Share on other sites
AwkwardGuy Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 A good relationship involves accepting each other as is, and caring for each other's needs and limits. So, it is important that you are respectful regarding his sexual boundaries, while at the same time he needs to respect what you need on a sexual level. The "sometimes" difficult part of a relationship is that we can't pick and choose which part of someone to love, and discard the remainder, without the relationship becoming unstable as a result. We need to love each other as wholes, which means that some parts may not be completely compatible, but we care for them and love them anyway. Nobody is compatible in every way. It is good that you are both being honest about your limits and needs, but at the same time there needs to be mutual support for those differences, so both of you are getting what is important to you as individuals. Personally, I do not advise walking away from a relationship because one aspect is not compatible, especially if there is a lot of love in the relationship. That would be a tragedy for both of you, in my opinion. You just need to find a way to address this and make it work...for both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 @AwkwardGuy That's all lovely and theoretical. What if the incompatibility was that one person didn't want to have any conversations with the other, and didn't want them talking to anyone else either - in other words they were insisting their partner never spoke to anyone ever again? That's broadly comparable to never have sex again for most sexuals, and I doubt anyone would expectthe 'love should conquer all' approach would work there. Link to post Share on other sites
Chimeric Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 14 hours ago, AwkwardGuy said: Personally, I do not advise walking away from a relationship because one aspect is not compatible, especially if there is a lot of love in the relationship. That would be a tragedy for both of you, in my opinion. You just need to find a way to address this and make it work...for both of you. My ex wanted children, I do not want children. I offered keeping half a child around instead, but for some reason he wasn't too keen on that. Sometimes all the compromising in the world isn't enough to overcome a certain incompatibility in a certain place. Link to post Share on other sites
Lara Black Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 Hello, Springer. Mixed relationships (sexual/asexual) can be very rough. From what I’ve read (and my personal experience) it really helps to get rid of any notion of how “normal” relationships are supposed to function. Like “In a normal relationship, partners express love through sex” and such. Asexual people are a minority, and mixed relationships are even less frequent, so “norms” don’t apply. You can see what works for you. Some people have an open relationship, others choose to have scheduled sex, others still (like us) have one-sided intimacy when the asexual partner likes pleasing the sexual one. Basically, you’ll need to talk things through with your partner, make it known that your needs don’t match, and something has to be done about it if the relationship is to continue. Don’t make him feel bad about his needs, don’t let him make you feel bad about yours – you are allies in this, not enemies. And yes, as it was said before, it might be a good idea to direct him to this forum. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
AwkwardGuy Posted February 8, 2018 Share Posted February 8, 2018 On 2/4/2018 at 4:07 AM, Telecaster68 said: @AwkwardGuy That's all lovely and theoretical. What if the incompatibility was that one person didn't want to have any conversations with the other, and didn't want them talking to anyone else either - in other words they were insisting their partner never spoke to anyone ever again? That's broadly comparable to never have sex again for most sexuals, and I doubt anyone would expectthe 'love should conquer all' approach would work there. I agree that I'm being theoretical, as each situation presents different opportunities and obstacles, some that cannot be overcome. The obstacle you are presenting of one person not wanting to communicate with other is a severe issue. So yes, I can understand how a relationship would turn into a failure because of that. I will assume that there would be a significant deficit of caring and love in a relationship like that. I'm not debating situations like that. My point was that if a relationship is very loving and respectful in most ways, then whatever seems difficult at the moment, should at least be given a wholehearted attempt at resolution or compromise in some way, since a relationship with a lot of love is definitely worth that degree of effort. As for "love conquering all," I agree that life doesn't always work that way. Yet, I believe it is a worthy ideal to pursue, at least until it proves to not be a possibility in a relationship. I will add that leaving an emotionally loving relationship because there is a sexual incompatibility, often does not turn out well for many people. The person who wants more or better sex may eventually get it from someone else, but the new relationship may be emotionally empty or incompatible. Emotional compatibility is MUCH more difficult to find than sexual compatibility. And without the emotional compatibility, how long will the great sex sustain the new relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
AwkwardGuy Posted February 8, 2018 Share Posted February 8, 2018 On 2/4/2018 at 10:04 AM, Chimeric said: Sometimes all the compromising in the world isn't enough to overcome a certain incompatibility in a certain place. This is true. Link to post Share on other sites
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