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Is my husband asexual?


KajaCasa

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My husband and I have been together 8 years now (married for 4). In the beginning, we were as sexual as any 'normal' couple in their early 20s. Sex was initiated by both of us. Somehow, some way, possibly around the 2 year mark, things changed. He began turning me down when I would initiate, and him initiating became very infrequent. Fast forward to today, things are pretty much the same. I've gotten used to him not initiating (other than a quick, half-asleep, 3am 'spoon'). I also try not to get my hopes up when I try to initiate - because he never seems interested. We sometimes have sex when I pursue with much determination, but it's hard (and embarassing) to try to be sexual with someone who's showing no signs that they want you back. Arguing about it doesn't work, I learned. In the past 6 months, I think we've had sex 5 times.  Could he be asexual? Or could there be an issue (health-related or otherwise)?

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Have you asked him (rather than arguing) what's going on? What does he say, if so?

 

Also....have a look at the Partners, Friends and Allies section of this forum. You are not alone.

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Moved from Questions about Asexuality to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality co-mod

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Hi hey and welcome,

 

He may be, but I would have thought there would have been signs right from the start. I pretended to be normal but I didn't do a very good job. Sex was infrequent from day 1.

 

He may also not know or believe that asexuality is valid. So he may believe he is just lacking some drive. So sure .. coming here together is a good idea.

Even though he seems happy without sex he is probably quite tormented inside about leaving you unhappy. Some guys don't want to communicate their emotions ... or can't. I was like that.

Hope it works out.

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If this is a change, has there been any change that might have caused it.  Medical issues, drugs (especially anti-depressants_, family stress, jobs etc.  It could be that he never had sexual feelings as was just pretending, but from what you are saying it sounds like he did and something changed. 

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Hello @KajaCasa, welcome to AVEN. :cake:

 

It's possible your husband is asexual, but it's equally possible there is something else going on. 

 

If you find it's difficult to have a conversation about it, it could be worth writing him a letter. Try to focus the letter (or the convo, whichever) on your concern for him and what's going on in his life versus your unfulfilled needs; he probably doesn't need a reminder, and I'd bet he's carrying around some shame/sense of failure for not (being able to/) pleasing his wife.

 

It's a difficult position for both of you to be in. Nobody wants to feel like they've suddenly become unattractive to or unwanted by their partner, and I imagine that's probably how you're feeling. There are a lot of really personal, really emotional things tied up in situations like this and it can be really hard to have a conversation that doesn't become emotionally charged. It's a hard place to be in, and all my sympathy is with you.

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