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Kind of a rant, but any input/advice is greatly appreciated


Alicia Lucy

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I wasn't really sure where to put this so I decided that relationships was the best place

 

So I have this friend. We've been friends since we were five and we've always had crushes on each other off and on since we were about 11. It's a long story but he has asked me out a few times in the past, I said no so it wouldn't damage our friendship blah blah blah. Eventually feelings become too much and we kind of have a think, but it doesn't pass kissing and it never becomes official cause we both went away to college and yeah.

 

Here's the thing though, he doesn't know I'm ace. None of my friends do. I'm kind of afraid to tell him because he's a very sexual person. I have really strong romantic feelings for him, and I know he does for me too but his are also sexual. I'm just not sure what to do cause it's hard to move on, trust me I've been trying for a very long time. We've always wanted to be more than friends, but I honestly don't know if he could be happy in a nonsexual relationship.

 

I don't really know what my point is here. Just kinda needed to tell someone. Anyone else have a similar problem, or any advice??

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Nearly every ace goes through the issue with a sexual interest/partner. So know you're not alone and there are many here who have been in your shoes. In general there are a few options:

 

1. You keep it to yourself and try to make it work--The positives are that you allow the relationship to develop. Obviously the downside is sex (only on this forum is that sentence ever said seriously). This isn't a long term solution and will ultimately end. 

2. You move on--You have tried this unsuccessfully but the positive is that you keep your ace identity to yourself. Given you have kept this identity from your friends, being ace seems to be something you'd rather keep to yourself. If this is a very important part of you that you need and want to keep concealed, this is the only option that allows you to do this.

3. You tell him and compromise--The positive is that you do not lead him on, you can establish a pace you are comfortable with, and he will not be confused if you lack physical passion. On the other hand, you need to be prepared for lots of questions from him and possibly your friends. You also need to communicate very well about your boundaries. Finally, you need to consider how comfortable you will be knowing your identity is no longer concealed. He may take it well or he may take it poorly. I know I am not saying comforting words but I believe it's best to review your options and decide what's more important to you.

 

The other angle you'd need to consider is his angle. Cheers to you for already reflecting on his possible happiness in a low sex relationship. However, as you say so yourself, you don't know if he would be happy or not. It's up to him to understand what his sexual needs are and he needs to communicate that to you. I'd caution you to not cut yourself short and assume he would be uninterested. This should certainly factor into whatever decision you make but it should by no means be the sole reason to avoid a relationship. He alone can make that call just as you alone can make the call of how much sex you could reasonably handle.

 

The question you need to answer: Is it more important you to retain your ace identity to yourself or to seek a relationship with this lifelong crush? Know this--if you decide to tell him, his reaction, whether negative or positive, will not define you. A positive reaction will be welcomed and would draw you two closer in a way. A negative reaction will hurt but be assured it is no comment on you as a person. I can't stress that enough. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide and this forum will be here for you.

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If he is a sexual person then it is unlikely he would be happy in a non-sexual romantic relationship.  If you care about him, you owe it to him to be honest about how you feel so that he can decide how he feels. 

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The only way to really know if he’s not wanting an asexual relationship is to ask. If you want a relationship with someone you have to communicate with them. 

 

My issue with trying to have relationships in the past was that they were sexual people, who I never told I was ace. How can I expect them to respect my boundaries and my asexuality if I never told them?

 

Its always better to tell the truth, so long as it doesn’t put you in danger. If it ends in rejection, at least you’ll know for sure, and then there won’t be any “what-if?’s” 

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9 hours ago, donttouchme said:

He alone can make that call just as you alone can make the call of how much sex you could reasonably handle.

Yes.

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If he's a good friend and you want to be romantic with him, then you need to tell him. Starting anything with him without honesty will damage the relationship. He can decide whether he can accept non-sexual or not, that's not a decision for you to make for him. I know it's hard to reveal and it may lead to him not being interested, but it's better to know. If things don't work out, at least you gave it an honest effort. 

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On 03/02/2018 at 3:59 AM, Alicia Lucy said:

Here's the thing though, he doesn't know I'm ace. None of my friends do. I'm kind of afraid to tell him because he's a very sexual person. I have really strong romantic feelings for him, and I know he does for me too but his are also sexual.

If he makes a decision to be with you without 

being informed of who you really are, you deny him the freedom to make a true choice.

You must not do that as it’s totally unfair to him and a poor decision for your own well being.

I would suggest you visit the section for sexual allies and read the multiple ongoing stories of sexuals who feel trapped in a relationship that they would probably never have chosen to be in.

That is my honest opinion.

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