Advice in a long term relationship

[uhtred]

I am a typical desire male married for >25 years to a low sexual desire female.  In an ideal world we would have recognized the drastic difference in our level of interest in sex early on, and not gotten married - but absent a time machine there is no changing that.  We were both young and inexperienced and both expected things to "improve" with time- but of course our idea of "improve" was in opposite directions.  We were very "patient", that is what you are supposed to be in a loving relationship, so years turned into decades.    

 

She is not totally asexual, just has a very low level of desire relative to me.  She would be happy with some quickly sexual activity maybe once a month that gets us both off, then she is done.  She can push herself to have some sexual interaction every other week, but it's more than she wants and there are a very limited number of things she enjoys doing. 

 

She doesn't recognize her low level of desire as being atypical, and as sex doesn't have any importance to her, she has never recognized that it matters to me.  She invariably describes her lack of interest at any one time as being due to some specific cause (tiredness, feeling poorly, being busy, etc), but things that she wants to do, she does.  Its clear that she does not want sex more than very occasionally.  

 

She does like non-sexual affection - hugs, kisses. I do too, but being physically affectionate without any actual sex is very frustrating.  (something she doesn't understand because she isn't affected that way).  

 

She is low on the empathy scale - has difficulty really understanding that the way she feels isn't the same as the way other people feel (about anything, not just sex). 

 

Outside of sex or relationship is extremely good.  We really do love each other.  OTOH, I really don't want to be near-celibate for the rest of my life. 

 

It is clear from things she has said (I've never asked or hinted) that an open marriage would be completely out of the question for her. 

 

This is not a situation where anyone is "wrong" but its one that nonetheless is pretty miserable for me. 

 

Just looking for thoughts / suggestions, especially from people who are themselves low desire / asexual but are in relations with typical desire people. 

[Puck]

Hi Uhtred,

 

That is a very difficult situation that I've seen a number of times on this site. As you seem to have gathered, there is no easy solution. The thing to always keep in mind is that both of you have needs and neither of your needs are more important than the other. So, your sexual needs are important and her lack of them is also important.

 

The path to a solution is a challenge. There are usually about 3 ways an asexual and a sexual find a compromise if they date (with nuances for each situation of course); 1) The sexual chooses to not have sex/relieve themselves through self-pleasure. 2) The asexual chooses to have sex to please their partner. 3) The sexual partner finds gratification with other partners outside of the relationship.

 

Obviously, your wife is not asexual and is willing to have some sex, but not at the level that makes you feel fulfilled. I do want to say that it reflects so so well on you and her that you don't see the situation as one person being "wrong." You are so right that it's not something to land on just one persons shoulders, it's something you both have to work through and find some sort of solution to.

 

There are various next steps you can take but the first and most important one is to talk with her. I understand that she struggles with "empathy" but the reality of a marriage is that your needs are her responsibility as well as yours. She needs to know how much struggle this is causing for you and how unhappy your current situation is making you. If you need someone to mediate or guide the conversation, you could consider couples therapy. Perhaps another party could help her see who important it is to you and could help you express that feeling better. It could also help her express how she's feeling and perhaps explore her own struggles with sex.

 

I know she struggles with empathy, but I think it's so important that you really express how much this is really an issue and really something that is hurting you and something that you won't be able to live with for the long term.

 

I hope that helps, all the best of luck to you and your wife. I hope you both find a solution you can live with and find yourselves enjoying each other every day

[banoffeepie]

Hi.. good to have you here.

 

I had the same marriage but with the roles reversed. Ours broke up .. she left in the end. So I might not be full of great advice.

 

It would have been devastating for me to hear her suggest an open marriage. The lack of sexual activity doesn't equate to an acceptance of that. Some couples can apparently make that work. I think you have to have a serious open and honest talk, to reconnect and restart over, make an effort like your life depended on it .. really invest, honestly .... or split up.

Splitting up was the happier option for me in the end. Rather than be hurt.

Good luck

[uhtred]

One additional issue is that for me "sex" really has to involve a partner.   I mean I can get myself off and watch porn or something, but its not at all comparable. OTOH, "sex" for me doesn't mean "intercourse" - I'm happy with a variety of other options. Unfortunately she isn't.   Also, my partners involvement / enjoyment matters to me - somebody just "doing their wifely duty" doesn't work.  OTOOH, on the rare occasions when we have sex, she both claims to and appears to greatly enjoy it - its just something she wants very rarely. 

 

The most difficult part is having the conversation. From her point of view there is no problem, I am just being selfish in my desires.   We have a blow-up over it every couple of years, but inbetween she just assumes everything is fine because I don't complain.  OTOH, if I did complain, it will just seem like in whining. 

 

Knowing what I know now, getting married was a mistake - but that is 30 years of water under the bridge. We really do love each other. 

(yes, I'm really just complaining - I honestly don't see a workable solution). 

[Telecaster68]

@uhtred

 

A couple of things -

 

The big difference between a sexual with a low libido, and an asexual (regardless of libido) is that a sexual would still like to have sex sometimes, and would be upset if they never had sex again, however rarely. An asexual on the other hand would be happiest never having sex again. Which do you think your wife is?

 

If she's sexual with a low libido, there's a lot of crossover with a 'mixed' couple where the asexual partner enjoys sex on some kind of basis, maybe has a libido, but despite not seeing sex as a necessary part of a relationship, is okay to have sex now and then for their partner's sake. Not all asexuals are repulsed by sex, and it's difficult for us sexuals to figure out the difference, particularly if our partners aren't clear about it themselves (as in your case, since her actions don't match her words). But in the end, if she's sexual with a very low libido, she's still capable of desiring sex for her own pleasure and sees it as part of a relationship, and those things just aren't the case with asexuals. 

 

Again, if she's sexual rather than asexual, it may be that her lack of sexual interest is due to her own issues, or issues in your relationship, and might be able to be resolved. That might be something counselling could help with, and from your point of view, you might find forums like Reddit's DeadBedrooms are more help than here. 

 

Either way - you two need to communicate, and that's probably going to have to start with you not accepting the ad hoc excuses, and pointing out there's a pattern here, and the lack of sex is endangering your relationship to the point where you might have to leave, for your own good. If she doesn't see that as a good reason to at least open up, you're stymied, and the sad reality is, you're probably going to end up splitting up; not so much because of the lack of sex, but because she refuses to pick up her side of being responsible for your relationship.

[uhtred]

The question of the difference between low desire and asexual may be just one of degree.  My impression is that people cover the entire range just as they cover the entire range of orientation.   Some people never want sex and find it very unpleasant. Others never really want it, but are more bored than really unhappy if it happens. Some want it occasionally, or only want a very limited set of sexual activities. 

 

Then there are people who are sexually selfish, not asexual at all. 

 

In my case, this is a very long term issue.  Despite my explaining clearly, she does not really understand how important it is to me.  I'm not willing to divorce her over this - lots of other good things in the relationship and after 25 years I can't bring myself to divorce her over this  in any case.  She never lied about her interest, I just assumed it would change with time. 

[Telecaster68]

I think there's a difference. It's not about libido, it's about wanting anyone else involved in your sex life, ever. Sexuals do, asexuals don't.

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

My partner and I decided to turn into an open online relationship after realising our different physical needs at some point (grey-A vs. alosexual). It was the only way to stay in touch without becoming torn or depressed in the long run but I guess being married is a total different thing :/ I hope you can  find a way to work things out for the two of you.