Calling all religious aces

[Just a Mo]

Hey y'all,

This is a question for my aces who are religious (any religion is welcome). How do y'all deal with people in your religious communities judging or invalidating your asexuality? Have you ever come across a religious community that is really supportive, or one that really isn't? And how do you handle coming out to religious people?

 

I am a practicing Roman Catholic, and while there are a lot of Catholics (like myself, my seminarian friends, and many others) who strive never to put ourselves in the place of God through judgmental actions or words, I totally see why the Catholic Church gets a bad rap in the LGBTQ+ community. I know a lot of Catholics who are really good, honest, and open-minded people, but I know just as many who are extremely judgmental about basically anything that isn't cisgender and heterosexual. And personally, I find it really difficult to come out to people in and around my church community because I am afraid not as much that I will be judged by them, but that it will reinforce this idea (in society and in my own perception) that religion is only for cis-het people.

And no matter how many wonderful things my seminarian friends do to show me just how loving and accepting real Christianity is, that fear doesn't seem to leave my mind. 

 

Have any of y'all experienced something similar, something different?  

[NotGojoSatoru]

Hey there,

 

I am a Hindu. Although, I have started practicing it quite recently (and by practice, I mean regularly praying at home, nothing else). I know that reilgiously speaking, at least, I shouldn't have an issue with coming out as an ace or an agender. Most of my issues are social rather than based on my religion.

 

I personally know of a perosn who declared himself as a celibate in my family (I am pretty sure he is asexual. He is 50 and is not interested in getting married. Considering that a lot of people don't know about asexuality, they call him celibate. He is a very distant on mum's side of the family).

 

Now, when it comes to religion, I am not as orthodox as certain people from my country. I don't have group of people with whom I visit temple or have a temple I visit regularly and I am rather confused over how the group of people would respond if they knew I was Ace & Agender. I know that the transgender people are usually more accepted in the state that I live in (or used to, back in my country, by the State Government). There will always be a mix of people who would openly accept me and some who won't. I am mostly concerned about what my parents would do, though.

 

Mum would blame it all on the internet and deny it all. Dad wouldn't really say anything. The friends would probably ask offensive questions and say that I haven't grown up yet or met the right person.

 

Now while people's reaction is definitely going to be random and mixed, if I observed things strictly from a religious standpoint, I am pretty sure there won't be anyone saying that I have sinned by not following a heteronormative template. There are 330 million aspects of God, and out of all those there have been aces (well, people call them celibates, but they are clearly aces, at least according to me), trans genders, gods who are not intersted in romance and everything. Since I am Aro-Ace-Agender, I am sure there is one or multiple aspect/s out there who I can claim as an example if people do pester me.

 

 

[Sally]

There is nothing in Judaism, which is my religion, that would be inimical to asexuality, or vice versa.

 

And you can see by the first two responders, both of which are non-Christians, that this isn't a matter for just Christians to answer.  

[NotGojoSatoru]

While my knowledge on other religions is not a lot, I have a feeling that none of the religions as such would have anything to say about asexuals. Communities, though, are pretty much a different matter.

[Skyy]

I converted last year to Buddhism and was able to visit a monastery and go to a few talks by monks! I know that they aren’t representative of the whole religion/philosophy/whatever you want to call it, but the monk who was speaking had an entire section in his speech and the book that he wrote about how orientation/fetishes weren’t bad as long as you were responsible and didn’t engage in negative sexual things(things like, coercion, no consent, cheating on someone/with someone who’s in a relationship, etc). Of course, it only covered bdsm and LGBT, but I feel that the same should apply for asexuality, from what I understand, many Buddhists feel this way and the main time they don’t is in very traditional countries(ex-the Dalai Lama is now pretty supportive of LGBT, but there was one recorded instance where he said that it was wrong...But I feel like that’s his country’s conservative side speaking). Again, I’m fairly new to this but I was bored and figured I’d add my fifty cents. 

[Nylocke]

So I am a christian and I find that no matter where you're at, more then likely you will be invalidated. If you are asexual, it will be dismissed to true abstinence or celibacy. In my personal experience this has been so and my folks don't even know I am asexual. I did attempt testing the waters on another subject where I threw in the possibility of asexuality where the comment was dismissed and ignored for the most part so with that I don't even try anymore.

[Lucas Monteiro]

On 31/01/2018 at 4:36 AM, TheAmazingImperialEmperor said:

Now while people's reaction is definitely going to be random and mixed, if I observed things strictly from a religious standpoint, I am pretty sure there won't be anyone saying that I have sinned by not following a heteronormative template. There are 330 million aspects of God, and out of all those there have been aces (well, people call them celibates, but they are clearly aces, at least according to me), trans genders, gods who are not intersted in romance and everything. Since I am Aro-Ace-Agender, I am sure there is one or multiple aspect/s out there who I can claim as an example if people do pester me.

In the sense of 330 million aspects of God, it would be said that everything is part of God, is that right ? At least by the basic philosophy of Hinduism : aham brahmāsmi and tat tvam asi. As every human being is distinct, you could argue that you are doing nothing sinful being just yourself.

[Lucas Monteiro]

I was religious on the past but when I was christian, it could be said that there was nothing wrong being asexual, people would mistaken asexuality with celibacy, but it wouldn't make a difference in the main fundamental thing, you wouldn't be judged by abstinence of sex or even marriage. But, as there is lots of different christian congregations, in those of course you could find someone saying that being asexual would be wrong, or at least to be more precise, the way of how you would act towards sex and consequently the "gift of life".

[awkward_pterodactyl]

It really depends on the personal beliefs, I've found. Abstinence before marriage is a big deal, but it's also based on the idea that everyone wants sex. They believe sex is natural and a gift from God for reproduction and, yes, recreation. In my experience they just don't believe that asexuality exists, because they have built up this idea that we must restrain ourselves from our sinful nature and flat out not wanting sex doesn't fit into that.

[NotGojoSatoru]

5 hours ago, Lucas Monteiro said:

In the sense of 330 million aspects of God, it would be said that everything is part of God, is that right ? At least by the basic philosophy of Hinduism : aham brahmāsmi and tat tvam asi. As every human being is distinct, you could argue that you are doing nothing sinful being just yourself.

Yes. From what I have understood so far, it is as long as one stays true to themselves, things are great. What is right for one person wouldn't necessarily be right for someone else and it is not correct to measure or grade others using the scale that one uses to grade themselves. It is not treat others the way you want to be treated, but treat others the way they want to be treated. Every person should be accepted the way they are. And if someone is asexual, they are asexual and should be accepted the way they are, just like a hetersexual person is accepted for what they are. 

 

[Darth Tribble]

I’m an Evangelical, of sorts. I wouldn’t say asexuality is shine per se, as it is certainly preferable to being gay to them. They don’t seem to make a big deal out of it or care that much, though some people might see me as odd for not having interest in sex or relationships. 

[Ace Of Bass]

As far as I know, when it comes to Christianity, I imagine that most Christian would find  asexuality compatible, unless you are talking about the people who think nothing but cis-het is permissible. Because sex is considered a gift of God, there are people who could find something wrong with someone fundamentally not wanting to participate in it, especially if they are married. 

 

I don't know if this is a thing anymore, but you may have to deal with assumed vocation. Since married life is the path most people take, you might have  certain expectations of duty thrust upon you. I once had a teacher who told us she was playfully called "the Nun" and Sr. Sarah when she was in high school since she was very religious and never showed interest in dating or romance ever. The nick name caught up with her and a lot of people in her parish church assumed she would become a Nun. When she went to school to become a teacher instead, and still remained unmarried, people told her she was being disobedient to the lord's calling for her. 

Take that with a grain of salt, as that is the only time I've ever heard of something like this happening to someone. As far I know the way an asexual person might be treated depends on if they are single vs married, but this comes from the people, not the theology. 

 

 

[NotGojoSatoru]

I wonder if there are people in religious community or if there are religious communities as such that pretty much accept a person being asexual without having the idea that they would go on to become a priest, nun or the religious equivalent of that particular religion. 

[bkrdragon94]

Protestant Christian here.

 

I haven't run into many issues personally with discussing my asexuality, though I generally don't talk about it much in the first place unless it specifically comes up in conversation. The Bible itself is super supportive of asexuality (heck, even the Apostle Paul was likely ace), but one thing I have found is that the word "asexual" can make some of my more conservative friends uncomfortable because of the connection to LGBT issues. Depending on who I'm talking to, I'll often say that I have the "gift of celibacy," since it implies something inborn or natural instead of a choice. Much like someone who has the "gift of compassion" will naturally be compassionate to others, someone with the "gift of celibacy" will be naturally celibate. Not a perfect explanation, but at least it gets the idea across that this isn't something I chose.

 

On 1/30/2018 at 11:36 PM, TheAmazingImperialEmperor said:

Most of my issues are social rather than based on my religion.

 

^Yup. That.

 

[bkrdragon94]

EDIT: Oops. Posted twice. Sorry.

[RunningStrong]

When I was growing up, I went to church but it didn't really spill over into my life until I chose to start attending youth groups in my teens. At that point, I bought the "true love waits" philosophy hook, line and sinker. For me, it was easy to follow it - I just didn't have any real desire for sex (though I was OK with other expressions of physical touch that could conceivably lead to sexual contact).

When I got married, I read all the Christian marriage books I could get my hands on. LOTS of them had some kind of admonition not to abstain from sex with my husband to keep our marriage strong (after all, the Bible said so!), and comments about how sex is a gift from God.

LOTS of things have happened in the past 2-3 years that have caused me to distance myself from Christian communities altogether. As cowardly as this sounds, the fact that I'm married would probably not cause anyone to question me being an Ace, so in some ways I have the privilege of being able to NOT come out in those settings should I choose to rejoin them.

[Finding soulmate]

On 1/31/2018 at 12:06 PM, TheAmazingImperialEmperor said:

Hey there,

 

I am a Hindu. Although, I have started practicing it quite recently (and by practice, I mean regularly praying at home, nothing else). I know that reilgiously speaking, at least, I shouldn't have an issue with coming out as an ace or an agender. Most of my issues are social rather than based on my religion.

 

I personally know of a perosn who declared himself as a celibate in my family (I am pretty sure he is asexual. He is 50 and is not interested in getting married. Considering that a lot of people don't know about asexuality, they call him celibate. He is a very distant on mum's side of the family).

 

Now, when it comes to religion, I am not as orthodox as certain people from my country. I don't have group of people with whom I visit temple or have a temple I visit regularly and I am rather confused over how the group of people would respond if they knew I was Ace & Agender. I know that the transgender people are usually more accepted in the state that I live in (or used to, back in my country, by the State Government). There will always be a mix of people who would openly accept me and some who won't. I am mostly concerned about what my parents would do, though.

 

Mum would blame it all on the internet and deny it all. Dad wouldn't really say anything. The friends would probably ask offensive questions and say that I haven't grown up yet or met the right person.

 

Now while people's reaction is definitely going to be random and mixed, if I observed things strictly from a religious standpoint, I am pretty sure there won't be anyone saying that I have sinned by not following a heteronormative template. There are 330 million aspects of God, and out of all those there have been aces (well, people call them celibates, but they are clearly aces, at least according to me), trans genders, gods who are not intersted in romance and everything. Since I am Aro-Ace-Agender, I am sure there is one or multiple aspect/s out there who I can claim as an example if people do pester me.

 

 

I don't want to bring religion into it .it has nothing to do with this.. but I definitely relate to what you said like your mum reaction..social norm as I am too from India.. 

Bdw, what is agender?

[NotGojoSatoru]

@Finding soulmate Agender is a term used to describe a person without a gender.  Over the years I have found that I just cannot understand and relate to the concept of gender.

[Quality_Penguins]

I'm surprised I'm the first Catholic to respond (unless I missed someone, sorry). I'm rather well versed in the Church's official doctrine, so I can give you the run down of the Church's stance on all of this. Anything else anyone says is their opinion, nothing more. If I remember everything right.

 

One of the biggest things to look at is marriage itself. For a Catholic marriage to be valid, both parties have to be capable of procreative sex. This is why the Church doesn't consider two men/women to be married since that's not functionally possible. This still applies to a man and a women who are unable to have sex (such as, but not limited to: asexuals, a man without a penis, infertile people). So yes, as someone who doesn't want to have sex, you cannot get married in the Church. And that's about it. 

 

This doesn't mean you can't marry at all, you just have do do it as simply a legal thing. But besides that, asexuality is a good thing as far as Catholicism is concerned. No premarital sex, no immoral temptations. It's a bonus as far as I'm concerned. Anyone who says you need to have sex to "serve God" or "fulfill your duty" is just plain wrong. Honestly, I really like headcannoning Mary as asexual. But yeah if your community doesn't receive you positively it's because of their own incorrect beliefs and biases. If anything's unclear, please let me know and I'll try to explain it better. Sorry this is so long  - __ - ; 

 

Sidebar: The Church does not hate gays. They can't get married or have sex, sure, but simply being gay is not a sin. God wouldn't create someone that's damned to hell because of sinful temptations they have. Everyone's tempted in different ways, that's just what they experience. 

 

[The Dryad]

As a Christian, I had to look to the Bible, and I found that asexuality can technically be viewed as "being an Enoch" so it's not a sin. I view asexuality the same way I view my "diet", 'this is how it's going to be when heaven comes to earth, so why not live this way sooner than later.' But that's my personal viewpoint on life.

[Just a Mo]

On 15/02/2018 at 11:10 PM, Quality_Penguins said:

I'm surprised I'm the first Catholic to respond (unless I missed someone, sorry). I'm rather well versed in the Church's official doctrine, so I can give you the run down of the Church's stance on all of this. Anything else anyone says is their opinion, nothing more. If I remember everything right.

 

One of the biggest things to look at is marriage itself. For a Catholic marriage to be valid, both parties have to be capable of procreative sex. This is why the Church doesn't consider two men/women to be married since that's not functionally possible. This still applies to a man and a women who are unable to have sex (such as, but not limited to: asexuals, a man without a penis, infertile people). So yes, as someone who doesn't want to have sex, you cannot get married in the Church. And that's about it. 

 

This doesn't mean you can't marry at all, you just have do do it as simply a legal thing. But besides that, asexuality is a good thing as far as Catholicism is concerned. No premarital sex, no immoral temptations. It's a bonus as far as I'm concerned. Anyone who says you need to have sex to "serve God" or "fulfill your duty" is just plain wrong. Honestly, I really like headcannoning Mary as asexual. But yeah if your community doesn't receive you positively it's because of their own incorrect beliefs and biases. If anything's unclear, please let me know and I'll try to explain it better. Sorry this is so long  - __ - ; 

 

Sidebar: The Church does not hate gays. They can't get married or have sex, sure, but simply being gay is not a sin. God wouldn't create someone that's damned to hell because of sinful temptations they have. Everyone's tempted in different ways, that's just what they experience. 

 

Thanks so much for clearing that up! I'd always wondered about the rules of consummation/marriage in the Church. This is really well articulated and also super helpful. 

[Quality_Penguins]

11 hours ago, MollyMarie said:

Thanks so much for clearing that up! I'd always wondered about the rules of consummation/marriage in the Church. This is really well articulated and also super helpful. 

Okay that's great I'm really glad. Feel free to ask if you have any further questions!

[Lucinda]

And what does the church say about Josephite marriages?

 

Lucinda

 

[Tirisilex]

I'm a Buddhist but I have no Sangha to hang with. So I don't know how other people of Buddhism would treat me as being Asexual. I think they would be accepting because I have no sexual attachments and attachments can be bad. 

[doggalogga]

I don't care what people think, because God loves me, no matter what
Nothing in the Bible against asexuality though...

 

I find that fact that I'm a half-decent person more important than my asexuality anyway.

 

Any Christian that doesn't love you for who you is perhaps carrying the problem on their shoulders

It's important to not rely on others approval to be whatever you want to be, provided you harm nobody else.

[Crystal7]

On 2/15/2018 at 11:10 PM, Quality_Penguins said:

I'm surprised I'm the first Catholic to respond (unless I missed someone, sorry). I'm rather well versed in the Church's official doctrine, so I can give you the run down of the Church's stance on all of this. Anything else anyone says is their opinion, nothing more. If I remember everything right.

 

One of the biggest things to look at is marriage itself. For a Catholic marriage to be valid, both parties have to be capable of procreative sex. This is why the Church doesn't consider two men/women to be married since that's not functionally possible. This still applies to a man and a women who are unable to have sex (such as, but not limited to: asexuals, a man without a penis, infertile people). So yes, as someone who doesn't want to have sex, you cannot get married in the Church. And that's about it. 

 

This doesn't mean you can't marry at all, you just have do do it as simply a legal thing. But besides that, asexuality is a good thing as far as Catholicism is concerned. No premarital sex, no immoral temptations. It's a bonus as far as I'm concerned. Anyone who says you need to have sex to "serve God" or "fulfill your duty" is just plain wrong. Honestly, I really like headcannoning Mary as asexual. But yeah if your community doesn't receive you positively it's because of their own incorrect beliefs and biases. If anything's unclear, please let me know and I'll try to explain it better. Sorry this is so long  - __ - ; 

 

Sidebar: The Church does not hate gays. They can't get married or have sex, sure, but simply being gay is not a sin. God wouldn't create someone that's damned to hell because of sinful temptations they have. Everyone's tempted in different ways, that's just what they experience. 

 

Hello fellow Catholic! Nicely said!

 

I'd have to agree with all of what you wrote, although personally, I wouldn't consider Mary to be asexual. Granted we have no idea for sure. That said, it is an intriguing theory and the first time I have heard of it. 

[Crystal7]

Hi MollyMarie!

 

As a fellow Catholic, I can completely relate to what you're saying. I too have met some really accepting people and some really judgmental people in the church. Personally I find assurance in the fact that asexuality is not sinful and does not impede my relationship with Christ. When it comes to opening up about my asexuality to other Catholics outside the anonymous online world, for me it's a case by case basis, and it's something I plan to share with my ultra conservative family after I move out (currently I commute from home to college to save money). I'm not ashamed in who I am, but I tend to avoid potential dramatic conflicts as well. I guess I'm the kind of girl who would rather mention my asexuality in passing or in the midst of a deep conversation with a close friend than by wearing a pride shirt to youth group. And that is personal preference. 

 

On 1/30/2018 at 11:02 PM, MollyMarie said:

I find it really difficult to come out to people in and around my church community because I am afraid not as much that I will be judged by them, but that it will reinforce this idea (in society and in my own perception) that religion is only for cis-het people.

 

When I was in the midst of deciding whether I wanted to get confirmed and take the Catholic faith on as my own, I attended an amazing conference where I fell in love with Jesus Christ and decided to live my life for and with Him. At that conference, Fr, Mike Schmitz gave this talk (exact talk is in the video below). He said something beautiful that stuck with me regarding homosexual people: "They have to know that there is no place they will be loved more than in the Catholic Church." As a biromantic asexual, that really touched my heart. I do believe this is the direction the Church is moving as a whole, and that this is the heart of Catholic dogma. I think this movement towards love also applies to asexuals. Take heart, Catholicism is not just for cis-het people. All sorts of orientations and identities make up the mystical body of Christ. 

 

 

[Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet]

On 1/31/2018 at 12:02 AM, MollyMarie said:

Hey y'all,

This is a question for my aces who are religious (any religion is welcome). How do y'all deal with people in your religious communities judging or invalidating your asexuality? Have you ever come across a religious community that is really supportive, or one that really isn't? And how do you handle coming out to religious people?

 

I am a practicing Roman Catholic, and while there are a lot of Catholics (like myself, my seminarian friends, and many others) who strive never to put ourselves in the place of God through judgmental actions or words, I totally see why the Catholic Church gets a bad rap in the LGBTQ+ community. I know a lot of Catholics who are really good, honest, and open-minded people, but I know just as many who are extremely judgmental about basically anything that isn't cisgender and heterosexual. And personally, I find it really difficult to come out to people in and around my church community because I am afraid not as much that I will be judged by them, but that it will reinforce this idea (in society and in my own perception) that religion is only for cis-het people.

And no matter how many wonderful things my seminarian friends do to show me just how loving and accepting real Christianity is, that fear doesn't seem to leave my mind. 

 

Have any of y'all experienced something similar, something different?  

Hello fellow Catholic!

I have experienced positivity concerning my asexuality in my parish, but I have came across judgemental people (luckily it wasn't directed at me)

I haven't came out to many people,and I intend to keep it that way. I don't have the time to deal with judgemental people.

The only issue is my romantic orientation, but I just stick with church teaching and it doesn't bother me too much.

[arekathevampyre]

I consider myself a Buddhist , but I don't go to temples (I do my prayers at home , no altar) so it isn't really an issue for me . I have not found anyone in my area who is of the same faith or came out to anyone so I am kind of invalid here (oops) . 

[Raya]

I believe in God, I guess people would consider me a protestant Christian. I'm also grey-ace and biromantic.

I've been raised in a quite conservative christian home, with the whole no-sex-before-marriage, being-gay-is-a-sin-and-needs-healing, heterosexual-is-the-only-natural-sexual-orientation speeches.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, and I'm glad I was raised Christian, since it also taught me a lot of values that I don't want to miss out on now. But regarding sex and sexuality, I think it has also thrown me into one of the worst episodes in my life of questioning my God, faith and life. I used to believe everything to the point what my parents told me and what I heard in church. Realizing that I'm grey-ace and biromantic, put everything into a different perspective.

 

I have not come out to my parents or most people at church and I don't know if I will. On a purely selfish level I think that it is none of their business. It's my life, and I have to live it and be okay with it, not them. On another level, I don't think there is anything wrong with Asexuality, also not in the Biblical sense. I guess if I told my parents, then they'd probably think it was something to do with celibacy. And hey, didn't Paul say something about remaining abstinent if possible, to better do Gods work (I know, that's not exactly what he meant, but still...)?

But deep down I'm also scared what they would think and say. I've had a few discussions about Homosexuality with them, just to get their opinions on it, and it didn't really go over well. My parents are really loving and caring people, but I'm still afraid.

I did come out to two (also Christian) friends. One of them was, after he understood what it meant, really supporting and accepting. It did take a lot of explaining and the fact that we had been dating at the time I started questioning my sexuality, didn't really help. The other one was understanding and accepting at first, and I think she still is, but when I met her again she seemed a bit wary about it, I don't think she really understood what I meant and told me that it was normal, not everybody wanted sex all the time and so on (I should really practice explaining better, I guess.). None of them told me it was wrong because of any religious reasons.

One of the problem with coming out in religious surroundings like that I think is that no one understands what Asexuality is, since talking about sex (even about heterosexual sex) and sexuality seems to be taboo. Something that I think is not good, since these topics are important to everyones lifes.

 

With regards to what you said about your fear that it establishes the idea that religion is only for cis-hetero people: Jesus came to the outcasts. He ate with liars, prostitutes, tax collectors and if he was walking on earth today, I bet he'd be thrilled to have gay/bi/pan/ace people at his table. Not because they're of a different sexual orientation, but because he loves them. He loves us. So much that he died on the cross for us. And that's what counts. I know it might sound weird (since I don't know you and all that), but if you're bothered and worried about people thinking that religion is only for cis-hetero people, why don't you show them that it is not? That you need God as much as they do? I don't want to push you to do something you don't want to, but maybe... think about it?

 

Oookay this turned out way longer than I thought, sorry. If you have questions or agree/disagree with anything, just let me know  

I wish you all the best.