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I'm me. Why doesn't she get that?


Sammer Jammers

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Sammer Jammers

I don't hold my gender as a defining part of who I am.  I don't mind if people call me my assigned gender or something else. Being a "woman" has never ment much to me. I accept that I am fairly masculine. I understand that I'm not as feminine as most other girls my age. What does it matter?

 

My mother has been trying to use me as a way to relive her childhood. I don't think she relises this as much as the rest of my family does. She has alway been pretty feminine, on the cheer team, gymnastics, beauty pagents, she did it all. She wants that for me too. When I was younger I was on the cheer team. I suffered though pagents. I kind-of liked gymnastics, but thats besides the point. I did everything she wanted me to do, so I could be the perfect daughter. 

 

As I grew up I started to say "fuck it" a lot more and just do what I wanted. I quit cheer and became the president of book club. Dropped pagents for mock trial. Left gymnastics for debate. Slowly but surly I started to get away.

 

Now it's my senior year and all I want to do is two things: Cut my hair and wear a suit to prom. The first wish is flat out refused, "I'll regret it when I'm older and look back on the yearbook." Fankly I couldn't give less of a shit about what 30 year old Sam wants, but whatever. The second wish I was able to get an okay for, but my mother had her own ideas. All of a sudden it was suit rompers, steam punk vests, neon colors, and funky patterns. It had to be kitschy or girly, a way to "stick it to the man". I keep telling her that's not what I want, but it doesn't seem to matter. I want to go to prom without feeling self concious or uncomfortable. All I want is to leave high school feeling like my self and confident.

 

My mother now thinks that I am ashamed about my femininty, and tries to force me to be more feminie as she "is concerned I will be ashamed of myself". I've told her that I'm not ashamed of my feminity. That she is just ashamed about my amount of feminity. This has only resulted in screaming.

 

At this point I'm ready just to give up on being my self. Put on the damn dress and curl my hair. College is only a few years away. 

 

Anybody have some tips on what I could do?

 

(honestly I just wrote this to calm myself down)

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*hugs*

 

I'm kind of in the same boat as you. I cut my hair off recently and my mother was really sad; she told me that she loved my long hair, and didn't understand why I wanted to cut it. She's kind of transphobic, so I'm afraid of how she's going to react when I start binding my chest and dressing in men's clothes to appear more masculine.

 

Anyway, I would say don't let her overthrow you. You aren't your mother's possession. You're allowed to express yourself in any way you choose, and no matter what, she is still your mother and she still loves you. Sometimes parents get a little delusional and try to turn you into who they want to be. It's important to show her that you're you. Don't be aggressive, don't be rude - she doesn't deserve that. All she wants is for you to be happy.

 

I hope things work out for you, hon. <3

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@Sammer Jammers You could skip prom. Or if for some reason your mom wouldn't be okay with that, pretend that you're going to prom and then just do something else with a friend. As long as there isn't a way she would find out that you didn't go, because I know sometimes they tell parents if you don't attend. That's what I would do, anyway.

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everywhere and nowhere

Strange thing about the hair - anyway, it's not a forever decision, hair grows rather quickly!

I never had this particular problem - my mom is somewhat tomboyish, she wore short hair almost all her life and when I was a child, she preferred me to have short hair too, said that it's better for my allergy. (Yes, even my own hair irritates my skin, but I obviously need at least some of it as "decoration". I hate the sight of people, especially men, with hair shorter than some 3 cm, I think that if I was a man and started balding, I really really would wear a wig.) I had long hair for several years (still my overall style was never particularly "girly", I often looked more androgynous with long hair than my mom with short), last year I cut it again and she completely didn't mind.

She also didn't mind me going to prom in pants - and among the students, I was the only girl in pants in the whole school (apart from me, probably two female teachers also wore pants, if I remember well). I wore a white shirt with a wide collar (it was once called a "Słowacki collar", after a Polish romantic poet who wore this kind of shirt in most of his portraits. Now no longer popular and hardly made, I had my own shirt sewn by my mom - but I like it as a statement of my love for romanticism as a literary and philosophical period), black pants, rather ordinary black ladies' shoes (but with short heels - for me high heels = 99% risk of injury, plus I explicitly hate 'em for their sexual connotations) and had my hair done in a way similar to the Yulia Tymoshenko hairstyle (usually called just something like "crown" or "crown braid" here). My mom didn't mind it at all, she only asked me to wear more elegant pants and gave me her pair. Now it wouldn't work anymore - while I haven't grown a centimeter since the age of 13, I'm now several sizes bigger than my mom...

Last year she said, mostly referring to my obesity, that I'm so "massive" and look like a "butch" - and I almost took both as compliments... ;)

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Show her tons of photos of really feminine women with short hair to convince her, then get whatever kind of short haircut you want without her knowing that it might be less feminine.  XD

 

Also, you could try telling her that being a woman isn't all about girly hair and girly clothes.  That being a woman is much more than that, unless she thinks women are only defined by something as shallow as how they look.  Even if you don't identify as a woman yourself, you can still try to get her to rethink her views of women in general.  

 

And tbh, prom really isn't that big of a deal.  You should go if you want and have whatever kind of fun you can, but if things aren't perfect, your life isn't ruined.  It's just a glorified school dance with a mediocre sit down dinner.  You won't be haunted by missed opportunities at your prom for years in the future, so try not to get really upset if you can't change your mom's mind.

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I think you might have poked a beehive by mentioning the possibility of her being ashamed... personally I don't get what's so big of a deal about haircuts. It's your head (and it's your choice of clothing). Tell her that you appreciate her efforts and the amount of heart she's putting into this, but this day is about you, not her. Maybe you could ask her how she would feel if you tried to force her to cut her hair and wear specific clothes.

 

Apart from that: There's always a chance to not "identify with" what you once thought or liked later on, no matter what you end up wearing. I think it's better to look back and say "Oh boy, look at that ridiculous suit I wore 20 years ago, haha" than "Damn, look at this ridiculois outfit my mother made me wear."

 

Re-living your life through someone else will never end well.

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