Mid-Life, Ace & Dating

[Skwirlgurl]

Do any of my peers have any pointers on dating? I've made some forays, but naturally I have a very long wish list for Prince Charming since physical attraction is limited or nonexistent for me (plus, I'm 48 so I don't feel the urge to waste 20 years on yet another unsatisfying relationship). Unlike a non-ace, needy sex to fill my loneliness isn't on the list. I can and do indulge but the stars must all be aligned with Virgo ascending or something--IOW it's rare to run across someone I want as a sexual partner and even then, the desire is purely intellectual. I've been accused of being able to turn it on and off... But if I could turn it on voluntarily, believe me, I would. I don't actually know what attracts me enough to have a physical reaction. How much easier life would be, if I did.

 

Some men pick up the signals (lack of sexual attraction) which means PIFT, gone, even if I like them. Others, I connect with and they mistake it for mutual sexual attraction. It's painfully awkward. If anyone has seen the 80's movie, 16 Candles, and remembers the scene with Ted on the car seat in the shop classroom... That's me on a date. If I try to be nice, they think it means I want them. If I try to be firm, it's like I've kicked a puppy. Some I would like to try to be friends with... But if I try, they see it as progress, then they want to make out O.o

 

I don't not want someone in my life. I think I'm gray-romantic because intimacy is so entwined with attraction and sex in relationships. During my marriage, I gave up on it. I tolerated sex (and yes, sometimes enjoyed it) but because he mistook any intimate/romantic overtures from me as meaning I wanted it, I stopped seeking closeness. I compartmentalize and separate, which makes love/romance very difficult.

 

I want that closeness! But cis-men misunderstand holding hands and hugging as being signals of sexual readiness. I'm just attractive enough that it muddies things, too. They confuse their attraction for mine, and intellectual attraction for sexual interest. That means I feel terribly alone and dating is like crossing piranha infested waters on a tightrope with a net in my hand trying to catch a goldfish.

 

So... How do I express my asexuality to them without them seeing it as a challenge (I'll change her!) and how can I slow down the gallop without killing the horse? Is it even possible to find a cis mate sensitive enough to meet my needs for asexual intimacy without driving him insane worrying that his sexuality is harming me?

 

Thoughts from those with similar experience? Has anyone (male or female) managed to successfully date, or found a satisfying partnership (with any of the other three basic orientations--I don't discount the possibility of a relationship with a woman, if that's where my heart leads me). Should I try to find an ace partner? Except we're diverse (and uncommon), and it seems as if the odds of finding a mutually compatible relationship might be just as difficult. Would it do any good to list "asexual, polyromantic" on a dating app or would that kill my chances of getting a first date?

 

I invite my mature peers to share your experiences with dating: good or bad, what worked and didn't work, what causes you attraction, and whether there was a "work around" that let you build an enduring, mutually satisfying relationship.

[Cnyb]

I don't know, how to say "hey I like to cuddle, not a sexual dude tho"... I guess that line would be ok sometimes in person, but i haven't tried it on a 'dating profile' hah!  I'm in some kind of grayromantic area, myself, I'm not sure what people mean by romantic or whether they are being friendly or flirting or what.  I guess timing is key, along with communication.  If you are near baltimore or DC, there are asexual meetups.  There's one in February in Baltimore.

[Skwirlgurl]

I'm not entirely sure about "romantic" except I consider it the physical and emotional closeness between two people that excludes sex... I think of watching TV with my feet on a partner's lap, co-sleeping twined, that sort of thing... Except I've had to eschew it because others consider it sexually exciting (I mean, like, an invitation when it isn't). As a result, I feel less than human, sometimes, incapable of love--like those orphans in Russia with attachment disorders because they were never shown affection or given nurturing.

 

So, rather than "romantic" let's call it "affection." I do believe that mutual affection is something you can build a relationship on. In fact, I think it's the only truly healthy relationship.

 

Baltimore is a couple hours from me. Do many people from out of town attend?

[Cnyb]

I don't know how many typically attend or how far out people come from, I haven't been yet.  Likely to be a good discussion.

 

 

[straightouttamordor]

Aces are 1% and spread far and wide. I'd actually like to meet some in the flesh. Meetups in Atlanta are traffic nightmares. Telling someone your asexual who isn't makes the smile run away from their face like a Cheetah.

[lazypanda]

3 minutes ago, prib23 said:

Telling someone your asexual who isn't makes the smile run away from their face like a Cheetah.

Lol....more like "run away like a bullet train " 😛😛😛

[Skwirlgurl]

34 minutes ago, prib23 said:

Aces are 1% and spread far and wide. I'd actually like to meet some in the flesh. Meetups in Atlanta are traffic nightmares. Telling someone your asexual who isn't makes the smile run away from their face like a Cheetah.

I'll be in Augusta next week. Still kind of far away, I know.

 

I figured, "I'm asexual" should be a good way to get rid of a too-determined suitor, but there are those who see it as a challenge 😕

 

Seeing you all here GMH. Now I'm wondering how many polite dates I passed over who might be like me...