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Helping a trans friend...


OpenAce

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So, to start with; yes, I'm cis- please treat me with respect. Just cause I dont understand or know something doesnt mean its malicious intent o that I'm not trying, it is just a case of 'I dont know, please tell me nicely'.

So today in LGBT+ group at school (a small group, mostly consisting of my friendship group) my trans friends (3 of them) were talking about teachers putting the role up on the board when marking it (usually has their dead name), and how they're not allowed to do it (teachers have been instructed by the principle multiple times over the past 2 years or so). They just got the principle to send around an email to all the teachers again saying not to do, and my friends were saying that it probably wouldnt last long. And they were talking about how lots of their teachers continue to misgender them consistently despite some of them being out for years.
They were getting understandably upset and one of my friends (who doesnt start crying over nothing) was on the verge of tears.
 

I dont know how to help/support/be there for them. They hold me in a high position compared to other cis people (a position I never liked but I guess thats better than them hating me) and they do value what I say, but I still know that whatever I say around this issue will be taken with a grain of salt as a cis person.

 

Idk what to do. any advice would be greatly greatly appreciated.... Thanks.

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@OpenAce Hmm, I see based on your brief profile info that you're from Australia, so I'm not too sure how things run there legally and/or policy wise compared to America (or at least the state I reside in). So basically, I'd suggest perhaps looking into that in regards to trans students concerns. Know your rights. If they're violating a policy, you can report it.

 

An example based on where I live, if I'm having an issue with someone, especially a professor, I could contact my Title IX coordinator about the incident(s). I almost had to do that once, but I talked with my professor first and had a quick, civil talk and there was no complications, thank goodness.

 

It may seem like it's escalating things, but if that's what it takes and nothing else works... It's necessary.

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@SkyWorld We have a support staff member at the LGBT+ group meetings and they're generally pretty helpful, she suggested that they get a message sent to eatchers (now done) and have the staff memebers briefed on individual students in their classes, so that teachers know and can put it to a face (sorta happening sometimes). And if that doesnt work and it continues she said to report the teacher.

Got any advice for 'comforting my friend? (comforting's not the right word, but you get what I mean...)

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1 minute ago, OpenAce said:

Got any advice for 'comforting my friend? (comforting's not the right word, but you get what I mean...)

It might not work for everyone, but for me, it helps to know that I'm not in a helpless situation. If there's something I can do, I know that I don't have to tolerate this and I shouldn't have to.

 

I'd also say perhaps give the benefit of the doubt. Some professor's mean well and aren't coming from ill-intent. Not saying that there aren't any professor's like that, but it's still important to give the benefit of the doubt. They might be coming from a place of ignorance. They may be teachers, but nobody knows absolutely everything. If necessary, it helps to have a conversation with them to help ease things and try to take that path first before trying alternatives that are "more harsh" but necessary (and it wouldn't be a good idea to use that as a threat, as it defeats the purpose of trying that approach). 

 

But that's just me. Different people have different ways to comfort and some ways work best than others. Some people just want some emotional support, which is completely fine. I try to find ways to do something about it and problem-solve. Some people prefer both, some one way or the other. In regards to emotional support, if it was me, I'd say that I'm always here for them.

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@SkyWorld Thanks heaps. I think they were planning to do what you suggested- talking to individual teachers, reporting was a last resort.

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When I experience something invalidating like someone using my birth name or calling me a woman, it helps for my husband/best friend to use my preferred name and pronouns even more than usual.  I asked him to do it a few times, and now he just does it automatically whenever someone misgenders me.  Like instead of "Hey, what do you want for dinner?" he'll say "Hey, Lex.  What do you want for dinner?"  Just adding it in can be validating.

 

It won't fix what other people do, but it'll show them you care about them and respect them.

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