Asexuals and Self Pleasure in a Relationship

[Cesario]

So, the last girlfriend I was with definitely wanted to be intimate with me but I didn't want to with her. I did like her a lot and we got along well together in nearly every aspect but this. I mean, I'm ok that we broke up because I was clearly not making her happy and it put too much pressure on us as a couple so it was just time to end things.

 

She got upset too because I do masturbate but I just didn't want to actually do anything with her. I don't think I've ever wanted to do anything with a girl, that's just not interesting to me in relationships. I want to get married and have a family, but I'm just not interested in sex. But she got upset when I would get off to reading about sex and stuff. Like, when two fictional characters did the kind of stuff I'm into, that gets me off, but only when I read it, I don't like watching it or doing it. I just don't have an interest in doing it with someone so I guess she felt like I didn't like her or she wasn't enough sometimes, which wasn't true. She seemed to think that if I was really in love with a person, I would want to do those things. But I feel like she's wrong because I'm in my mid-20's and would have thought I would have wanted to do something actually with a girl by now if I would ever want to do it.

 

I guess I was just wondering if this was normal for asexuals in relationships? Like, do I just have to find someone who is ok with me masturbating but doesn't want to have sex? Or is she right when she said that if the right girl came around I would want to do the things I read about with them? Is this normal?

[Lucas Monteiro]

50 minutes ago, Cesario said:

So, the last girlfriend I was with definitely wanted to be intimate with me but I didn't want to with her. I did like her a lot and we got along well together in nearly every aspect but this. I mean, I'm ok that we broke up because I was clearly not making her happy and it put too much pressure on us as a couple so it was just time to end things.

From what you wrote, I believe she wouldn't make you happy either. So I think it was truly the best thing you two did, for each other. So in that way, both of you can find someone who understands more.

 

50 minutes ago, Cesario said:

She seemed to think that if I was really in love with a person, I would want to do those things. But I feel like she's wrong because I'm in my mid-20's and would have thought I would have wanted to do something actually with a girl by now if I would ever want to do it.

She couldn't be more wrong than that, just because you love someone doesn't mean you will want to have sex with her. You can see that she clearly didn't know that exists people who think similar to you and that can love you without having sex or any sexual interaction. And yes, if you are already in your mid-20's and don't want to do those things, I believe it's already enough to know that you wouldn't want to do sex.

 

50 minutes ago, Cesario said:

I guess I was just wondering if this was normal for asexuals in relationships? Like, do I just have to find someone who is ok with me masturbating but doesn't want to have sex? Or is she right when she said that if the right girl came around I would want to do the things I read about with them? Is this normal?

You could try to find someone who is sexual and that don't care too much for sex but in the future it could be a problem. So, I suggest for you to try to find someone who is asexual, even being more hard to find, it's the best option. Because some asexuals in relationship don't mind if their partner give for themselves self pleasure, as they wouldn't want to engage in sexual activities. 

 

But to be honest, only you will know for sure if you will want to do sex with the right girl, but at least for now, I still mantain my original thinking that it's best for you to try to find someone who wouldn't mind not having sex. In that way, if you find that you want sex you could try to talk to your partner or if you find out that you don't want sex, it would be more easy and without pressure to not have.

[Yeast]

I'm three times your age and have never been sexually attracted enough to anybody to want to have sex with them. However I am sexually attracted to myself. I had a very long friendship with a woman who was sexual but sex was never an issue to either of us. She even had boyfriends but I didn't care. When she died it left me rather isolated. I tried to make friends with other women but they lost interest when they found out I was asexual. An asexual friend is probably the best option since finding someone like my ex friend is probably nearly impossible. The local LGBT community accepts my sexual orientation and is now in fact the local LGBTA community. In fact I met another asexual the other day on a protest march downtown. She was your age but there didn't seem to be a generation gap between us. Yes, being asexual often presents problems in a relationship. I think the important thing to remember is that people who won't accept you as you are do not make good friends. I think if we keep searching we will eventually find people like us who will like us just for being us.

[gisiebob]

On 01/29/2018 at 12:31 PM, Cesario said:

do I just have to find someone who is ok with me masturbating but doesn't want to have sex? Or is she right when she said that if the right girl came around I would want to do the things I read about with them?

yer both be wrong there boy-o! what you got when you got a relationship, is two people.  not two individuals. ya both have to deal with each other. so if you find someone who is willing to deal with you not wanting anything other than solo action, and they happen to want more than that, then you likewise have to deal with them wanting more than that.

[Chimeric]

For someone who isn't familiar with asexuality, the idea that you want pleasure but not from or with her is a really alienating one. Sex for sexual people is a means of communicating love and intimacy, and probably from her perspective, she wasn't "good enough" to qualify for that level of closeness with you - even though that isn't necessarily what's going on. She was probably hurt and wondering if she was doing something wrong, was she not attractive, were you somehow less invested in the relationship, etc.

 

There is, of course, nothing wrong with being asexual, but there is destined to be a lot of coaching and a lot of reassuring of your partners in the future. The hardest thing for me to learn was the difference between my partner not wanting sex and not wanting me. It's really difficult not to take that personally, and it's hard to progress onto other conversations about the sexual dynamic (or not) of the relationship without first getting over that hump (no pun intended). 

[Seraphic]

On 1/29/2018 at 3:31 PM, Cesario said:

we broke up because I was clearly not making her happy and it put too much pressure on us as a couple so it was just time to end things.

Good choice. It's always difficult to break up with someone whom you truly care for, but it was certainly for the best. The relationship would have most definitely  become more strained if it had continued. 

 

On 1/29/2018 at 3:31 PM, Cesario said:

She got upset too because I do masturbate but I just didn't want to actually do anything with her.

I know many asexuals who are the same way. Many of us have libidos and biological, sexual needs, but we do not desire partnered sex.

 

I never really understood this until recent experiences with my boyfriend, but sexual people can feel unwanted, rejected, and offended if their asexual partner admits to this. To many sexual people, they believe that if their partner does not want to partake in sexual activities with them but shows some sort of interest in it (such as by consuming pornography or erotica or by masturbating), then their partner is not interested in them. To sexual people, if you are romantically attracted to someone, then you are also sexually attracted to them. Differentiating sexual and romantic attraction is quite difficult, even for asexual people at times. It is quite understandable why people think that both attractions go hand in hand, but they do not.

[Telecaster68]

37 minutes ago, Seraphic said:

It is quite understandable why people think that both attractions go hand in hand, but they do not.

Well, not for asexuals. Sexuals *sometimes* get sexually attracted to someone without wanting to have a relationship with them, but pretty much never romantically attracted without sexual attraction. Outside of AVEN, what you're describing is called a friendship. 

[Cesario]

On 1/29/2018 at 1:08 PM, Lucas Monteiro said:

From what you wrote, I believe she wouldn't make you happy either. So I think it was truly the best thing you two did, for each other. So in that way, both of you can find someone who understands more.

 

She couldn't be more wrong than that, just because you love someone doesn't mean you will want to have sex with her. You can see that she clearly didn't know that exists people who think similar to you and that can love you without having sex or any sexual interaction. And yes, if you are already in your mid-20's and don't want to do those things, I believe it's already enough to know that you wouldn't want to do sex.

 

You could try to find someone who is sexual and that don't care too much for sex but in the future it could be a problem. So, I suggest for you to try to find someone who is asexual, even being more hard to find, it's the best option. Because some asexuals in relationship don't mind if their partner give for themselves self pleasure, as they wouldn't want to engage in sexual activities. 

 

But to be honest, only you will know for sure if you will want to do sex with the right girl, but at least for now, I still mantain my original thinking that it's best for you to try to find someone who wouldn't mind not having sex. In that way, if you find that you want sex you could try to talk to your partner or if you find out that you don't want sex, it would be more easy and without pressure to not have.

Thanks, this was very helpful and supportive. I agree she wouldn't make me happy, but the happiness of my partners is very important to me so I suppose I was extra aware that I wasn't taking care of her the way I like to take care of the girls I've dated in the past.

 

I like what you said about not needing pressure. That really resonated with me, I know relationships are about compromise and I'm willing to be flexible with my partners to be sure we both are happy. But this just felt too wrong to continue.

 

On 1/29/2018 at 1:30 PM, Yeast said:

I'm three times your age and have never been sexually attracted enough to anybody to want to have sex with them. However I am sexually attracted to myself. I had a very long friendship with a woman who was sexual but sex was never an issue to either of us. She even had boyfriends but I didn't care. When she died it left me rather isolated. I tried to make friends with other women but they lost interest when they found out I was asexual. An asexual friend is probably the best option since finding someone like my ex friend is probably nearly impossible. The local LGBT community accepts my sexual orientation and is now in fact the local LGBTA community. In fact I met another asexual the other day on a protest march downtown. She was your age but there didn't seem to be a generation gap between us. Yes, being asexual often presents problems in a relationship. I think the important thing to remember is that people who won't accept you as you are do not make good friends. I think if we keep searching we will eventually find people like us who will like us just for being us.

This sounds wonderful, thanks for sharing. Maybe I should look into any local LGBT communities and see if I could fit in there. It sounds like you had good luck meeting people.

 

On 1/30/2018 at 3:28 PM, gisiebob said:

yer both be wrong there boy-o! what you got when you got a relationship, is two people.  not two individuals. ya both have to deal with each other. so if you find someone who is willing to deal with you not wanting anything other than solo action, and they happen to want more than that, then you likewise have to deal with them wanting more than that.

I think you are confused, I broke up with her because it wasn't working out. Of course there is compromise, but for us there it was clear that neither of us could find a solution that worked for us. I still care about her as a person, but I don't feel a need to get back together with her. We just didn't work, so it's what happened.

 

On 1/31/2018 at 11:25 AM, Chimeric said:

For someone who isn't familiar with asexuality, the idea that you want pleasure but not from or with her is a really alienating one. Sex for sexual people is a means of communicating love and intimacy, and probably from her perspective, she wasn't "good enough" to qualify for that level of closeness with you - even though that isn't necessarily what's going on. She was probably hurt and wondering if she was doing something wrong, was she not attractive, were you somehow less invested in the relationship, etc.

 

There is, of course, nothing wrong with being asexual, but there is destined to be a lot of coaching and a lot of reassuring of your partners in the future. The hardest thing for me to learn was the difference between my partner not wanting sex and not wanting me. It's really difficult not to take that personally, and it's hard to progress onto other conversations about the sexual dynamic (or not) of the relationship without first getting over that hump (no pun intended). 

This is very nice insight. I suppose that's why I tried to find a community of others who aren't interested in sex. I knew I was hurting her, I could tell. I knew she was feeling things I couldn't grasp. It wasn't her fault, she wanted something normal. I'd really rather not put someone through those feelings if it could be avoided. I would really like any relationship I get into to focus on how we can love and support each other.

[katinthehat]

I'm in the same boat, as my relationships don't keep because I have no interest in being intimate with people. For a lot of sexuals, having sex is a way to create a strong bond with their partner. You both had different mindsets into the relationship and you shouldn't feel pressured to do something you don't want to do. It's for the best that you parted ways.

[King Coco]

On 1/29/2018 at 2:31 PM, Cesario said:

Or is she right when she said that if the right girl came around I would want to do the things I read about with them? Is this normal?

I doubt it, I think that she just didn't fully grasp what asexuality was.

 

On 1/29/2018 at 3:08 PM, Lucas Monteiro said:

She couldn't be more wrong than that, just because you love someone doesn't mean you will want to have sex with her. You can see that she clearly didn't know that exists people who think similar to you and that can love you without having sex or any sexual interaction. And yes, if you are already in your mid-20's and don't want to do those things, I believe it's already enough to know that you wouldn't want to do sex.

To be fair to her, asexuality isn't very common. And for sexuals, it's is almost always the case that romantic attraction entails sexual attraction; so it's not surprising that she would assume that he worked in the same way.

[binary suns]

mixed relationships tend not to work. I wish I had more experience in talking with successful mixed relationships, because in theory they are possible. but the reality is... as long as they're having sex, the ace's sexual health is being compromised. and as long as they aren't having sex, the sexual's health is compromised. 

 

In most situations, I expect a mixed relationship to be inherently unhealthy for one or both parties involved. I used to be more optimistic but I recently read an honest and emotional blog post by a gay pastor in a straight marriage. and the reality is... compromising one's sexual orientation is intrinsically a denial of oneself, and is inherently harmful. Being willing to do such a thing to oneself is concerning. being willing to watch a loved one do that to themselves is concerning too. 

 

so IMO the only way a mixed relationship is going to work, is if both parties can be honest with themselves and honest with each other... and be actually capable to find some kind of way that each person can express and feel loved according to their orientation, that both parties are comfortable doing. If it can't work out.. then it must not be forced! break up and be happy and hopeful for each other!

 

 

 

 

Sex - now I'm greysexual so be careful not to take this next advice as representative of most sexual folk - but in my personal understanding of it, sex doesn't have to be PiV, or even genital contact, or even intrusive, or even sweaty and passionate to be sex. Phone sex exists. Kink play that isn't sex but does have sexual implications could be sexual. Role play, like not role play sex but, role play - like DnD lol idk how else to explain it - role play could be a way to "have sex" without being physically involved. Perhaps even with "non self-inserts" or "in third person". Or, maybe there is sensual closeness that both parties can enjoy. Maybe exchanging nudes might be something  a mixed couple enjoys. maybe masturbating together or in the other's presence could be something some folk like, some kind of "voyeur play" approach to sexual togetherness. You gotta get creative if you want to find something that helps the more sexual partner feel sexual energy with the person they love, while also having the ace feel removed from being too close to that energy. I don't really know. I am just throwing out ideas that crossed my mind. I have no experience. The point is - IF you believe in the success of a mixed relationship, the way to do it is to find something that pushes but does not cross your boundaries, and your partner does the same, to find activity that allows sexual energy to be a part of your relationship together, that they can feel you and they connect on a sexual level, without crossing the boundaries that limit what doesn't hurt your person. Nor theirs. 

 

It takes you knowing yourself, her knowing herself, and communication to find ways to share those two beautiful and valid people in a sexual or pseudo-sexual way without compromising either partner's sexual health. Cumminicate. Say no, and respect no's. Be creative. Follow who you are. Be willing to talk to a sex counselor to assist figuring out what's healthy! be careful tho to make sure to pick one who understands asexuality.