Jango Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 I am married to asexual and I am sexual! My wife recently told me she is asexual, I feel very disappointed and sad, that she has implied all the time she craved it like me! But now it seems she only initiated it for my benifit, I am a very sexual person, and our sex life has been falling away over the past few years, I do love her greatly, but deep down I am so annoyed and not sure how to take it from here, my own Sex drive is now falling away after hearing this news from my wife, I do not know what the future will bring for us, but I have to say it a little less secure now after hearing this! I don’t know if am able to burry my desires this much, in the back of my mind I worry about our relationship bescause now I have reason for the first time to distrust! Not to believe in what I had always thought Link to post Share on other sites
havenseeker Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 um... try talking it out...? find a compromise? idk? you say you love her, right? attempt to trust her again...? 'cause she trusted you enough to come out to you. sure, you can be upset if you want. your decision, ofc. but you're in a relationship with her, aren't you? wouldnt how you react affect her too? not that one can always control their responses... doesnt it make her love for you more apparent since she initiated it for you, since you know shes an asexual? (although you didnt specify what kind of asexual she is, so sorry if I'm wrong...) however, you did say that she implied that she craved. you did not say she directly expressed it, did you? if you both want to stay together, you two are going to have to figure something out together? so tell her how you feel and let her tell you her side? the things one will find out if one just asks. best of luck! take care. sorry if i offended you in any way... Link to post Share on other sites
TheAP Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 Moved from Questions about Asexuality to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies. TheAP Questions about Asexuality co-mod Link to post Share on other sites
Treesarepretty Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 @Jango, it sounds to me like your wife loves you and probably needs your emotional support. Remember that not many people even know that it is possible to be asexual, so she has probably been thinking of herself as broken for at least the last 25 years. Even so, she did it for you, so that you can feel loved. I think that you two should talk about how to compromise on this, but you, as an individual, should also realise that even though this hurts you alot, it hurts her, too. Try to be there for her to talk this out with. Remember, she loves you just as you love her. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Chimeric Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 On 1/29/2018 at 6:07 AM, Jango said: implied all the time she craved it like me! She probably wished she did. She probably was hoping if she just tried enough, she could make herself like it. Your needs are as valid as hers are. The best advice I can offer to anyone is try to remember not to take it personally. It's not you she doesn't like or doesn't enjoy or doesn't love or doesn't want; it's the sex. Please try to remember that as the two of you begin to figure out the next part of your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Lara Black Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Hello, Jango. Sadly, people often lie to protect something very dear for them. Naturally, finding this out hurts and damages trust greatly, but you can look at it from different points of view. You can see it as dishonesty and kind of a betrayal, or you can notice that your wife will do so much to protect your relationship. I agree with other comments that communication is very important – you’ll have to talk a lot of it out, set some honesty rules and other kinds of boundaries. Nevertheless, if you both love each other and are willing to work on this relationship, you can work things out. True, you can’t talk each other to “move to your side”, but a functioning compromise still might restore your happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Chimeric Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 7 minutes ago, Ilovecake said: Wow this is sad. I’m not sure if ‘talking it through’ will achieve anything like others suggest. Could she talk you out of sexual desire? Could you talk her in to sexual desire? Of course no is the answer to both. For what it's worth, when some of us suggest "talking," we mean sitting down and having a conversation about how you feel and what it means and how you got to the place that you are and all that ooey gooey stuff that turns out to actually, periodically be pretty necessary in a relationship. "Talking" in the sense of making demands or trying to manipulate or encourage against someone's natural inclination is the last thing that should happen in a situation like this one - it'll only breed more resentment (on both sides), and damage the relationship further. Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 56 minutes ago, Lara Black said: You can see it as dishonesty and kind of a betrayal, or you can notice that your wife will do so much to protect your relationship. To me it depends on when his wife found out. Did she enter this relationship being aware of her stance about sex? If so, I do not agree with the notion of "protecting" a relationship. It'd be yet another example of how the longer a lie is kept going, the more it'll hurt once you get caught. It's a question of when, not if. If she hasn't been aware of her asexuality until recently, I can't even begin to imagine the stress they're both going through. I'd imagine it to be like suddenly getting to know a completely dfferent person - it's only that you spent the last 20+ years together, essential living under incorrect assumptions. I imagine a different light being thrown on so many situations in hindsight. Oh boy, it hurts just to think about this Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 14 minutes ago, Homer said: To me it depends on when his wife found out. Did she enter this relationship being aware of her stance about sex? If so, I do not agree with the notion of "protecting" a relationship. It'd be yet another example of how the longer a lie is kept going, the more it'll hurt once you get caught. It's a question of when, not if. If she hasn't been aware of her asexuality until recently, I can't even begin to imagine the stress they're both going through. I'd imagine it to be like suddenly getting to know a completely dfferent person - it's only that you spent the last 20+ years together, essential living under incorrect assumptions. I imagine a different light being thrown on so many situations in hindsight. Oh boy, it hurts just to think about this Yeah, that's what a lot sexuals experience when their partner identifies as asexual - they knew even less than the asexual partner did about what was going on, and had presumed that both of them shared the usual attitudes to sex all along. Link to post Share on other sites
T... Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 @Jango I can understand how you feel. I've been in the same situation not long ago, but not for as long as you... My wife found that she was asexual about a month ago, after 6 years of being together with me. She said that, from the start, she never had any sexual drive, only made it to make me happy. It felt "real", but it wasn't... It hurts to hear that, and for some time i was feeling like crap. Some people told me that i could feel "cheated" or "tricked" to only find out in the middle of the relation, but i didn't. I know she did that because she loved me and she felt i wouldn't understand or want to be with her if i knew (since the beginning i told her I'm very sexual driven). There is no easy way to "digest" those news, but like so many here told you, talk with her helps. Both of you have valid points (wants and needs), and if she told you that is because she felt the need to do it (not to harm you, make you feel bad, etc). She loves you and it's why she told you, so you could understand her side too (for most asexuals is not easy to admit, especially in the middle of a relationship). Don't take it personally and don't feel insecure. I know that is usually the first place the mind wanders (it was for me). Its natural to feel the sexual drive fade a bit, because now you need to talk, process all that and re-think your relationship, but talking and trying to understand each other is the first step to move on with the relationship. If you love her and she loves you, both will find a way to communicate. Me and my wife made an arrangement so we both feel good. We both want it to work, we both give in a little so both get well. Where there is a will, there is a way. Take your time and space, try to think it rationally (its not easy, I know...), and if you need anything I can help with, PM me. Link to post Share on other sites
anamikanon Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 This has to suck big time. There is no easy solution. All I can suggest is that right now you are in shock and recoiling from what you have discovered. She is probably hurting as well, from your reactions. Only the two of you know whether you had anything beyond the sex worth fighting for about this relationship. If you didn't, frankly you were a fool to hinge 25 years on poor and deteriorating sex. I wouldn't give it 2. If you do have something that matters to you in this relationship, you may eventually come to see what is rather than what is missing. Because what is working is working right now. The announcement only put words to what had already gone for years. Not deprived you right now. No, I am not trying to manipulate you into anything. Like most sexuals here, I understand the loss it is to know you will never have your partner desire you sexually and worse, knowing that what you thought was desire was also not it. We have taken these hits. Only we didn't take them right now, so we are a bit calmer talking about this. Contrary as it sounds, perhaps you should take some time out rather than talk. You are in no frame of mind to talk about this calmly and agitated words on shredded nerves have a way of becoming immortal, long after they have ceased to be true. Take a couple of days off to cope. Visit someone or go somewhere. Avoid talking about asexuality for a few days. Give yourself the time to experience the natural feelings of betrayal, anger and probably sheer panic (if you are like me) at the idea of mutually horny sex vanishing from the table altogether. As you calm down, you will be able to see the relationship in a more holistic light. You will see if there are other things that you treasure or that irritate you and so on. When you have reasons beyond sex to talk about when discussing your relationship (favorable or otherwise), it will be the right time to talk to her about how to proceed. It is a very serious subject to ignore and it won't go away with ignoring, but in the mental state you are now, you are unlikely to do talking that is useful - even to your own interests. Remember that even if you sever a relationship over sex, the non-sex good things vanish as well. What you do, whether you live together or not, is something only you can decide, but deciding that in this frame of mind is like drinking a bottle of alcohol and getting behind the wheel of a car. You can break off any time. You can't get back as easily if you realize you lost something important. Link to post Share on other sites
anamikanon Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 On 29/01/2018 at 4:37 PM, Jango said: I am married to asexual and I am sexual! My wife recently told me she is asexual, I feel very disappointed and sad, that she has implied all the time she craved it like me! But now it seems she only initiated it for my benifit, I am a very sexual person, and our sex life has been falling away over the past few years, I do love her greatly, but deep down I am so annoyed and not sure how to take it from here, my own Sex drive is now falling away after hearing this news from my wife, I do not know what the future will bring for us, but I have to say it a little less secure now after hearing this! I don’t know if am able to burry my desires this much, in the back of my mind I worry about our relationship bescause now I have reason for the first time to distrust! Not to believe in what I had always thought If you are feeling a little less raw, is this a good time to remind you that the sex did work for you when it happened. She clearly was willing and able to compromise. It does not have to be the end of the world unless anger pushes both of you into concrete and opposing stands. Link to post Share on other sites
Tasha the demi squirrel Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 Whether she only recently found out or whether she knew all along but hoped she'd feel differently after a while or what ever reason she didn't tell you sooner she probably never intended to hurt you Link to post Share on other sites
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