Female+?

[p-l-i-n-k]

The long short of it is this; I've been questioning my gender for awhile, and I'm wavering between genderqueer/nonbinary and simply being a cis who's over thinking things.

 

I don't know where to begin with this. I think my main issue with figuring out my identity is that I am comfortable being seen/identified as a female; however there has been a 'but!' on the end of this sentence for a long time, probably since freshman year [I'm out of HS now].

 

For quite awhile I've had the thought of "It would be nice if people could see me as female, but! also not" or "I want to be female, but! also not". A convoluted internal conversation where I struggle with the fact that while I'm AFAB and I don't particularly fight against that, yet I do disagree. But not completely. If I was having a conversation with an other world entity and they were like, hey pass the sugar, also what's your gender? I'd say "I'm female+, like, female but also not?"

 

A few years ago (like, age 16) I went through a sexual trauma that sent my life into a very weird place. I was 100% sure I wasn't cis. I bought a binder- and wore it- I dressed neutral as possible (I've always had a large chest and hips), and I even went so far as having some people refer to me with he/him or they/them.

 

But then it passed.

 

I finally started processing my trauma, and the feelings just... passed. My panic at the idea of being 100% female was gone. I was fine again, and was sure I was 100% female, no issues here.

 

But the problem is back again? Again, after years of internal silence, I'm having these thoughts of being female+. Of wanting to be. Of wanting to be seen by other people as female, but!

 

I've reached out to my closest friend about this, and they have been very supportive. They're a binary trans person themself, which is part of why I went to them, thinking they would have some opinions? Maybe?

 

They've pointed out that it doesn't really line up, to them, that I still want to be female. At least partially. And that I have 0 desires to me a man or be masculine. And just. Well, it's put a strain on things, and I regret bringing the topic up.

 

I tried speaking with an older therapist of mine, who's also a certified gender therapist. They're very against labels and essentially our entire conversation was them going "Why do you think about these labels? Call yourself gender experimental*! Call yourself 'Gender Weird'!" and basically. Ugh. TL;DR: I wanted help laying out the pieces of my puzzle, not be given bags to put the pieces in.

 

I'm just. I just spend my days flip flopping on myself. One day I'm confident that yes, I'm genderqueer! It is a relief to call myself that! Isn't it great that I've finally figured out part of the puzzle?

 

And then there are the days after, where I wake up feeling sick at the idea that I've actually told people I'm questioning my gender, feeling nothing but absolute guilt at opening this door because why would I? Aren't I Just A Girl? I'm cis, there's nothing else to it! I should never have started this conversation! What an embarrassing waste of peoples' time.

 

But there's. Just. Growing up, I wasn't particularly attached to either gender. I recognize that now. I was raised in a very accepting and welcoming home, with parents who have made mistakes from ignorance, not malice. Child me would wear dresses one day, and a shirt with bugs glued to it the next. Who cared? I was a small child. But I would also insist, fervently, that blue was my favorite color, because I knew that's a ~boy thing, and I wanted to be a bit more like a boy.

 

Skip ahead a few years, and now I'm at the age everyone else starts dressing up, getting training bras, and exploring makeup. I didn't care. At all. I had way more important things going on, and I remember being very uncomfortable with my body's developments. Makeup was something I thought was silly, felt gross, and looked wrong on me. But most of all, I disliked 'dressing nice'. Dress felt fake. I felt like a fraud. Like a mistake. Wearing heels made me feel panic. 'Makeup' was unnatural and anxiety inducing.

 

I avoided dressing up for quite a few years.

 

Skip ahead more time. Now I've begun to force myself to wear dresses, skirts, asking to be bought push up bras because obviously large breasts are what I should aspire to have. A bit of makeup, though I'm yet to get any good at it. Yet it still feels wrong. I feel panicky and gross when wearing dresses. 'Dressing up' isn't enjoyable, it makes me want to cry.

 

However, I am a girl, duh! Thus I should like this. I should wear these things. So I forced myself to.

 

More years ahead. I have a makeup collection, and have gotten pretty good at it! I dress extremely feminine some days. I own several heels. I've forced myself to dress up and warp my closet to the point it's not really an option anymore. And I think I made myself numb? I just made myself numb to the discomfort; I want to wear a straight cut jacket with nice pants and a stylish tie, but instead I wear fancy dresses and heels. Because. Just. It's how things ~should be, y'know?

 

I know part of me is female. I know that. I accept that. That is an important part of my identity. But something else feels... off. Not every day. But some days. Some days I get Dressed Up and put on fancy makeup and wear heels and feel good. And then some days I do that and I feel sick. I want nothing but to scrub my face raw, tear the clothes off and toss out all of the makeup and all of the dresses, and just hide in my bed.

 

Except that's just. A really dramatic and honest version of it, since I scold myself whenever I have those feelings. Whenever I feel like that I force myself to just get through it.

 

I don't really know what this post is anymore?

Just.

 

Does anyone else feel this way? Please. I've been trying to find forums and posts and threads and just someone else who talks about 'Female+' but it seems you have to feel masculine/male at some point to truly not be a cis woman, but it's never been that way. It's always female and. Female + neutral.

 

Am I just? A confused cis female who's maybe gender nonconforming, not gender queer?

[Galactic Turtle]

From what I understand about gender, you leave cis-world when you experience dysphoria which (as I understand it) is very distressing in its nature which is why people who experience it are so eager to transition to something else. Everything you're mentioning about fashion choices in and of itself doesn't have much to do with what gender you are. Like you suggested, that's more gender nonconforming.

 

I am cis female. My closet has been at least 50% "men's clothes" since I was 12 due to my favoring of functional cargo pants and Star Wars t-shirts as opposed to glitter everything. I'm 24 now. When volunteering to help out an acquaintance with a film shoot a few years ago they asked me to come in a dress. Halfway through getting my makeup done I couldn't stop crying because of how disgusted I felt. On top of that I had to change into a far less conservative dress because surprise I was an extra on a set that was supposed to be a brothel. Do I have some negative associations with being super feminine and intentionally attractive? Yes, but point is I've never been ok with anything people would consider to be super girly. To this day I still don't own a single pair of heels.

 

On a different note, I'm pretty sure at least 99.95% of human civilization today is based off of or has grown from a patriarchal structure. Even in the United States where men and women technically have equal rights, there is still the deep and lasting impact of women being second class citizens by default. Growing up there were so many things I hated about being a girl simply because of the implications that had in the environment I was raised in. It took me a long time to come to terms with that being a girl wasn't what I (mostly) hated, it was how the state of being female was viewed in my culture that I hated which leads to the feeling sometimes of my having to prove that I'm not like other girls or I'm not like just any old girl, I'm this human who can do tough things and who wants to be treated equally to the men who stand on either side of me.

[Chimeric]

Hey, @p-l-i-n-k, welcome to AVEN. 

 

Your story super resonates with me; we would have been really good friends growing up. I'm also AFAB, and I did everything I could growing up to buck the shroud of "female" short of identifying as trans. I'm not trans, so that wouldn't have been the right option for me, and the concept of nonbinary or genderfluid didn't really exist when I went through my self-discovery. It's really weird for me to plug my own thread, but I'm gonna do it anyway because I hope you might get something out of it.

 

Female but I like football and beer and cussing at the TV. Female but I'd take a pair of skate shoes over heels any day. Female but I'm far more comfortable around men than around women. Female but you like the color blue. Female but bugs are awesome. Female but dresses are an overstylized, singularly terrifying object that constrain movement and prevent us from joining in a pickup game of tag and what is it about no pockets, I mean come on... except for the days where they actually look hella good.

 

Without dismissing the trauma you've experienced, those are all still things that can fall under the realm of "cis." They're personality traits that are generally ascribed to being "masculine," but the best part about being a woman is we can be whomever we damn well please (so rock those straight ties, girl).

 

It took me a long time to be comfortable with my body and with the way society may be perceiving me. It turns out that my worries have been largely unfounded; in today's day and age, women get do and act and dress pretty much however they'd like to. We have a lot more freedom than we're told we do.

 

Anyway, I hope this is helpful to you!