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How should I tell him I am asexual?


Lotty

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Hi everybody, 

 

I realised I was ace about 2 years ago now after I realised that I was way beyond the age I could use "maybe I've not matured yet" as an excuse for not feeling anything sexually. (but I do still find people attractive on a more aesthetic level- usually it's hair, clothes, smiles and/or their general deminior) 

 

I'm a bit confused about the aromantic part though. On one hand, I have had multiple crushes in the past, enough to be certain I do want something romantically, but whenever I get close enough to the person for them to become a friend....I'm no longer interested? I also have the feeling that I might be grey or demi-sexual, but I don't know if what I can imagine will ever translate into reality. I've always been extremely uncomfortable in sexual situations and/or think its banter before being hit with the realisation that not everybody feels that way about said situations.

 

I've been kinda-ish avoiding the whole dating business because I know that its usually very sexual and I don't know how to deal with the situation. However, a little while ago I signed up to Tinder to support my friend who was feeling very awkward about signing up. At the same time I was interested to see if I could possibly figure out if my asexuality is grey-ace, demi or something else.

 

I began speaking to this guy, and a bit over a month later, we went on a coffee date. He seems very interested in me, but for the life of me, despite enjoying our conversations, I just don't have it in me to be attracted to him. At first I went along with it to find out if, again, I was just demi or something and needed time, but now I feel like I'm just stringing him along.

 

I have never been in this situation before. 

 

How should I tell him / do you have any stories about what you did in a similar situation?

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Tell him, if you like him and would like to see him again and get to know him better, but also say that he shouldnt expect sex ever, if that is your case?

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In college I had a situation where a relationship was developing, and I realized I just don't want to be sexual regardless, and told her.  It did break us up, she tried, but cuddling wasn't enough for her.  We did remain friends, still had a bit of a bond.  It would have been nice if I was more self-aware earlier, but I was conflicted and trying to make it work.  So yeah, it can work out, especially early on, just say hey I know we dated from tinder or whatever, but I'm really not a sexual person, I like you as a friend (or this just won't work out and let it fade, etc.)

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5 hours ago, Lotty said:

How should I tell him / do you have any stories about what you did in a similar situation?

Honestly, in this case, since you mentioned you're capable of finding people attractive aesthetically and romantically, it sounds like it's just a run-of-the-mill case of lack of attraction. =) That's universal, it's not to do with your orientation, and a lot of time the whys behind it are as ethereal as the whys behind any sort of attraction. If you feel a burning need to come out to him, then of course that's your decision, but you're under no obligation to do so.

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