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Sexual Attraction: What do you feel?


Garion

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From the description I've read according to AVEN, sexual attraction means you at least have a desire to have sex with someone. To me, that makes me think of everyone walking around drooling in the inside of their heads over every person they see and frankly, that image has to be wrong. (Please let it be wrong.) I'll admit I'll sometimes get the little voice saying "Sex!" but it's also the same voice that tells me to hurl racial slurs at people and is annoying as opposed to actually tempting. So what do you actually have going through your mind when you're sexually attracted to someone? I'm particularly curious as to the experiences of people with conservative morals in regards to sexual actions as those may prove more relatable.

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Sexual attraction is a relative term because it's experienced so differently from person to person.. I prefer to just say 'the lack of desire for partnered sexual interaction' when referring to an asexual, and a non-asexual is everyone who does desire some form of sexual interaction, under certain circumstances, with certain people, specifically for the sexual and/or emotional pleasure that interaction will bring them.

 

I was 'functionally asexual' until around age 28, which is when I first properly started desiring sexual interaction with someone. There isn't exactly a particular 'feeling' (like, not a special indescribable one I mean) involved for me, other than the emotional connection I have with that person which makes me desire certain sexual activities with him specifically, and no one else. Some people here call this 'demisexual' but it's actually relatively common for sexual people to only desire to actually have sex with certain people as a result of an emotional connection they develop with that specific person. Very few sexual people walk around wanting sex with literally every single person they meet (I think that would actually be classed as nymphomania which often has to be treated through therapy!). more often there's a reason why they desire sex with one specific person: be that because of appearance, a romantic bond, emotional connection, that person's voice, maybe they just desire partnered sex and that person is available.. there are so many different reasons why someone would desire sex with someone specific and not someone else that it would be impossible to put them all into one box. The closest I could actually come to defining a term like sexual attraction would be the fact that a person chose someone specific to have sex with, for whatever reason (and it can be any reason under the sun, as long as that person seeks sexual and/or emotional pleasure of some kind from the sexual interaction) - they chose that person to have sex with, at that moment.. so whatever it is that drew them to that person/made them choose that person for whatever reason could be defined as involving a sexual kind of attraction. But yeah, it feels different for everyone who experiences it. Some people literally get tingly all over, they get aroused, can't stop thinking about that person, and really, really want to bang them. For many others, it's a lot more subtle. For me personally, I just know that when I'm aroused I can enjoy certain sexual acts enough to actively desire them with the person I have an emotional connection with. He's definitely attractive to me, but I'd be able to appreciate his aesthetic attractiveness regardless of whether or not I actually desired to have sexual intimacy with him :)

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18 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

I was 'functionally asexual' until around age 28, which is when I first properly started desiring sexual interaction with someone. There isn't exactly a particular 'feeling' involved for me, other than the emotional connection I have with that person which makes me desire certain sexual activities with him specifically, and no one else. Some people here call this 'demisexual' but it's actually relatively common for sexual people to only desire to actually have sex with certain people as a result of an emotional connection they develop with that specific person.

Thank for that reply as it's useful to me. And if it's not personal, may I ask if your attraction to him followed a pattern? For instance did it start aesthetically, move to romantic, ect? And would I then be correct to assume that as the usual progression to a sexual attraction?

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Hmm I've had relationships in the past with the same sorts of feelings but no actual desire for or enjoyment of partnered sex. But with him for whatever reason we just started experimenting and the more we did, the more we realized there are things we can enjoy mutually, and now (it's been over a year now, we met on AVEN!) we just know that if we are in the mood and have the time (we're both super busy) there are sexual things we can do that we know we'll both enjoy! 

 

For me, aesthetic and emotional attraction happen at the same time. I've never really looked at a guy and instantly thought 'he's attractive!' but if I become emotionally attracted to the person, aesthetic attraction develops at the same time and that person becomes beautiful to me as I become drawn to them emotionally. It's been the same for actors, fictional characters, and 'meat life' people my entire life. I generally won't notice someone at all until I become emotionally attracted to them (which seems to happen randomly on it's own without any rhyme nor reason) and that's when they start seeming very attractive to me. My desire for sexual intimacy with my partner developed when we began experimenting sexually.. the more we experimented the more we wanted!! It's kind of like.. hmmm.. He was identifying as asexual when we met, as was I, and that total lack of expectation of sex somehow made me open to wanting it? He's never had a gf or been interested in sex or anything before meeting me, so it was the same for him.. he suddenly started wanting it after never having been remotely interested in it before ^_^

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11 hours ago, Garion said:

From the description I've read according to AVEN, sexual attraction means you at least have a desire to have sex with someone. To me, that makes me think of everyone walking around drooling in the inside of their heads over every person they see and frankly, that image has to be wrong. (Please let it be wrong.) I'll admit I'll sometimes get the little voice saying "Sex!" but it's also the same voice that tells me to hurl racial slurs at people and is annoying as opposed to actually tempting. So what do you actually have going through your mind when you're sexually attracted to someone? I'm particularly curious as to the experiences of people with conservative morals in regards to sexual actions as those may prove more relatable.

This is an important question to ask, as many people have the impression you've outlined here - that sexual attraction is like this:

znGen0X.gif

 

...when it's really not like that for most people in most cases for most of their lives. That's one extreme example that some people sometimes experience. For the majority (and I'm asexual, so I'm noy speaking from my direct experience) it's an underlying desire to be sexually intimate with a partner. It doesn't have to be based on looks, and sometimes it needs to build up.

 

Fortunately we have sexual people who are members of AVEN and happy to explain their perspective in helpful ways. Some of them, like Ficto, thought they were asexual at one point, and others have always identified as sexual. These are valuable perspectives and I hope you learn a lot from them. :)

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Stevie Converse

I've always been more oriented towards autoeroticism myself. That didn't change when I got married, even though I wanted it to. I still do it sometimes, but I only enjoy it for a few seconds and I feel dirty afterwards. I'm really, really looking forward to not having genitals in a few years, so I can't do that. It isn't the only reason I'm getting surgery, of course, but it will be really nice to finally be free of that. 

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23 hours ago, Garion said:

To me, that makes me think of everyone walking around drooling in the inside of their heads over every person they see and frankly, that image has to be wrong. (Please let it be wrong.)

For me, it isn't like this at all. Most of the time, if I sexually desire someone, it's a pretty subtle thing. I'm not necessarily drooling over them or aroused when I'm around them. Instead, it's more that I just generally feel more open to being sexual with them, usually because I trust them and feel drawn to them in that way.

 

23 hours ago, Garion said:

Thank for that reply as it's useful to me. And if it's not personal, may I ask if your attraction to him followed a pattern? For instance did it start aesthetically, move to romantic, ect? And would I then be correct to assume that as the usual progression to a sexual attraction?

I don't think there's a specific rule about when or how it starts. It probably varies from person to person. I've only had sexual feelings for a few people in my life, but in each case, it progressed somewhat differently. It can start off as primarily an aesthetic or physical thing, but it can also begin with intellectual chemistry or an emotional connection. Sometimes I don't find myself aesthetically attracted to someone until after I develop an emotional connection with them, and sexual feelings may or may not follow after that. Sometimes I'm also attracted to people in a purely nonsexual way.

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19 hours ago, Law of Circles said:

I'm not necessarily drooling over them or aroused when I'm around them. Instead it's more that I just generally feel more open to being sexual with them,

Yeeeeeeeeesssss.

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This is very nice to find and read up on. I have not been in any kind of relationship period since early August last year after getting news of my new job offer and then relocation from west coast to midwest. I did not even get back into dating until right after the new year. Note I was not in a relationship prior to last August either.

 

I started dating a really great and attractive women in early Jan and she moved pretty quickly with things. I really do like her emotionally and physically. Sadly I am running down a familiar path in that sexual intercourse actually bothers me not only because its never been something I truly desired (I do enjoy other aspects of heterosexual activity) just not intercourse. To date I am still a virgin despite multiple past partners and sexual relationships. I find myself having to "try" and get myself to somehow become attracted and turned on by the idea and act of sex with this woman which I am troubled with. I can go from aroused and turned on with foreplay to totally nervous when she moves to initiate sex. I have played it off twice now to being really nervous to impress her after such a long dry spell. So far that seems to be acceptable by her but I cant play this card for much longer.

 

My fear is that she will get bored with me and move on since she is particularly physical and sexual herself. How does one come to terms with such a dilemma?

 

 

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I agree this is a great question. I unfortunately can't help answer it, because I'm questioning this as well. I'd like to add the follow-up question to those who experience sexual attraction: if you've had sex before, can you remember what sexual attraction felt like when you'd had no experience? Did you have a clear idea in your head of the physical act you might want to do with that person? I guess I'm still trying to disentangle arousal (which I definitely experience to certain stimuli or seemingly randomly) from attraction. I've never had a conscious desire to do anything physical even with someone I might be aroused by, but I don't know if that's just because of my lack of experience doing said physical acts.

 

tl;dr What does sexual attraction feel like for virgins? Does experience matter?

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4 hours ago, Entmoot said:

Did you have a clear idea in your head of the physical act you might want to do with that person?

As still a virgin, I often imagine myself sitted and my (possible) partner sitted on me, looking at each other and basically hugged. We would run our hands on each other's body: chest, back, neck, head, hips, pretty much everywhere, because I would desire to explore their body, let them know I desire them and that I truly wish to make them feel good. It would also make me feel like I "possess" them; we would kiss a lot too and talk/whisper to each other to be sure we're both enjoying it.

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7 hours ago, Entmoot said:

: if you've had sex before, can you remember what sexual attraction felt like when you'd had no experience? Did you have a clear idea in your head of the physical act you might want to do with that person?

Even after I had had a lot of sex, I didn't experience 'sexual attraction' for many years. I never wanted the sex I had with my ex partner, I didn't desire it, didn't enjoy it, felt no intimacy from it (it actually made me feel less intimate, like a rift was driven between us every time I had to have it with him). So when there's no 'sexual attraction', for me, I just didn't want the sex, even though I actually had a relatively high libido. Now that I do experience 'sexual attraction' for someone, literally the only difference is that I actively desire certain types of sexual intimacy with him for pleasure. It's not a 'feeling' beyond actively desiring sex with that person for whatever reason (be that intimacy, an orgasm, passionate desire, love, whatever). The difference between an asexual experience and a sexual experience, for me, was literally just that before, I never actually wanted sex with someone (regardless of how aroused I was), whereas now, under certain circumstances I definitely desire certain forms of sexual activity with a specific person even if I'm not physically aroused :o 

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Thanks @LeDeer and @FictoVore., your replies are super helpful to me. So far it does seem like a key thing missing from my "sexual feelings" (and maybe this applies to @Garion as well) is content (be it desire or imagery) about partnered activities--so not just an abstract sense of "sex!" or arousal itself. I'd love to hear from others as well, regardless of a/sexuality. It's hard to ask this question of my friends because a) it's awkward, obviously, and b) we're in our late 20s/early 30s, and none of my friends are asexual or late bloomers, so I'm not sure how easily they can recollect their pre-sex fantasies.

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Out of curiosity then, how would sexuality be experienced by those of you with an attraction but that aren't wont to act on it? (For example if you're unmarried and have a sexual attraction to someone, are against sex before marriage? What does your experience with sexuality feel like?)

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3 hours ago, Garion said:

Out of curiosity then, how would sexuality be experienced by those of you with an attraction but that aren't wont to act on it? (For example if you're unmarried and have a sexual attraction to someone, are against sex before marriage? What does your experience with sexuality feel like?)

Premise that I can't act on it because the person I'm attracted to at the moment doesn't and will never reciprocate my feelings: it frustates me a bit because I really would like to connect with them more, both emotionally and physically. In certain days I really feel down for this, and I prefer to isolate and pass my time alone instead with them, because I know they would be able to break me in tears just by looking at me or by staying around me. However I also understand that I can't force someone to do something they don't feel like to, nor I would have the courage to initiate anything that could be remotely seen as sensual/sexual to them.

I also can't deny I die a little bit inside when I look at this person's body, and think I'll never have the chance to stay with a person with such beauty </3. So, I try to "direct" these ammiration/appreciation thoughts to improve the friendship between us, since it's the only thing I can do.

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I was a comparatively late starter, sexually, but I don't remember experiencing sexual attraction any differently before I had a sex. It's the same feeling of being drawn to a particular person, partly to do with looks (as much about the kind of person they look like they are as sheer lechery), partly personality, and being open to having sex with them and maybe imagining what they might be like naked, how they'd feel, taste, react, etc. It's not some barely resistible urge - that's more like the feeling when I'm very aroused and with a partner who's interested too.

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11 hours ago, Garion said:

Out of curiosity then, how would sexuality be experienced by those of you with an attraction but that aren't wont to act on it? (For example if you're unmarried and have a sexual attraction to someone, are against sex before marriage? What does your experience with sexuality feel like?)

I'm probably not the best example here as I'm very solitary and introverted by nature, but my partner is on the other side of the world meaning we can't actually physically have sex. It doesn't feel like I'm missing out though because we do stuff online which satisfies me (and him also) in the same way it would if we were together. We aren't pining for each other or anything like that but that's not true of everyone in a distance relationship, some sexual people can become very unhappy if they can't physically have sex with their partner for very long periods of time. I'm just happy to know he's mine, he's open to anything online, and he won't be having sex with anyone else because like me he needs to know someone very well and have a strong emotional bond with them before he can be interested in sex with them :) Not being able to have sex doesn't really stop the desire itself (which here we are calling sexual attraction), and for some it can make the desire a LOT stronger!!!

 

The best way to know if you're asexual or not isn't really by focusing on the 'sexual attraction' part but by asking yourself "would I still be perfectly happy if I never had sex in my life, even if I fell in love with someone I found very attractive?" and "if I did fall in love with someone and got into a relationship with them, would I feel like something is missing if they don't want to have sex with me, or would I actually be happy about the lack of sex?" an asexual would answer YES to both questions! 

 

Obviously those questions can be very hard to answer for younger people because for some, they actually don't start wanting sex UNTIL they've met that right person that can 'flip their switch' which for some doesn't happen until their 20's or even later! If you've had no experience with the type of desire you get when you really fall for someone, it can be very difficult to know if you'd actually want sex or not. I've seen (previously) life-long asexuals meet each other on AVEN and fall in love, then start actively desiring sex with each other/having sex for intimacy and pleasure for the first time in their lives because FINALLY they've met someone who truly understands them and that flicks that 'sexual switch'. Sometimes they deny that this makes them sexual but I'm sorry, the fact is when you reach that point of actively having sex with someone specifically for intimacy and pleasure you're no longer asexual. I've seen it quite often over the years that I've been here and it happened to me when I was 28!!

 

Edit: this response was for @Entmoot as well, say hello to Treebeard for me by the way, though it'll probably take you all day as one mustn't be hasty! :D

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Reading your messages was really interesting, I have never felt sexually attracted to anyone. I always felt "obligated" to be intimate with someone, but I've never made the first move or anything. I see attractive people (I'm surrounded with attractive people at work!) and I enjoy the view, but none of them trigger anything. I've read many things on the forum since I became a member and started to think I might be asexual or demixual, but I am very confused about everything.

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6 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

The best way to know if you're asexual or not isn't really by focussing on the 'sexual attraction' part but by asking yourself "would I still be perfectly happy if I never had sex in my life, even if I fell in love with someone I found very attractive?" and "if I did fall in love with someone and got into a relationship with them, would I feel like something is missing if they don't want to have sex with me, or would I actually be happy about the lack of sex?" an asexual would answer YES to both questions! 

Maybe TMI, don't know

Also: Stream of conscious style ahead

That's an interesting way of looking at it I suppose. For me, I've asked myself about if I never found anyone and I pretty confidant the answer would be "yes." Whenever I consider the possibility of if I get married, I do always factor in children to the equation which I suppose implies "doing the deed." (Though the idea of doing the deed just seems unsanitary.) And given experience from before I listened to my religion's position on masturbation, I have a decent libido. But your set of questions is definitely thought intriguing.

 

Though one question in regards to its accuracy: In regards to Roman-rite Catholic priests, I would hazard a minority of them are asexuals with a majority being hetero, yet a majority of them are happy with where they are in life, including the celibacy. Would that be accounted for with your question set via the "fall in love with someone attractive" portion?

And then I would also hazard that for most accurate results, if I'm non-asexual that the question would have to be geared toward what my sexuality is. Correct?

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Sex to have kids doesn't count!! I should have clarified that it's if you desire sexual intimacy for the pleasure of the act itself. Having to have sex to have kids is different, though of course there are alternatives nowadays so if you and your partner really couldn't handle the idea of sex you could use artificial insemination and things like that.

 

Priests are a weird example because while many *SEEM* happy,  apparently a lot of them struggle a LOT with celibacy. I mean, it can actually be dangerous for them because as we all know, it's relatively common for the extreme repression of their sexuality to, er, cause them to abuse children sexually Y_Y and that's only the ones who have been caught as the church will often protect them. That's the difference between celibacy and asexuality. Celibacy is often a MASSIVE mental, physical, and emotional struggle for many sexual people especially when they're forcefully imposing it upon themselves. The needs are all still there, but you're trying to deny them which for some people can make those needs a LOT stronger, whereas an asexual doesn't have those needs in the first place. Obviously an ace can still have a libido, they just don't connect that libido to a desire for sexual intimacy with other people.

 

If you really have no desire for sexual intimacy (for pleasure) with other people, and don't think you'd want it for pleasure even in a relationship,and would be very happy to remain celibate for the rest of your life other than maybe having kids, then that all sounds like asexuality to me :)

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Side note:

There is no excuse for priests that have abused, but pinning celibacy as the cause is actually inaccurate as research shows the rate being comparable to that of the general population.

http://www.newsweek.com/priests-commit-no-more-abuse-other-males-70625 But I don't want to get into a huge discussion about it in this thread.

 

If I am indeed asexual, I suppose the next step would be looking at my aesthetic attractions. I've noticed long-term patterns overall with them, but I suppose I haven't really read anything in regards to how aesthetic attractions can form. And for me, it seems males tend to catch my eye more often. So when it comes to aesthetic orientations, do people tend to have the same kinds of preferences as one might have with a sexual orientation.

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5 hours ago, Garion said:

If I am indeed asexual, I suppose the next step would be looking at my aesthetic attractions. I've noticed long-term patterns overall with them, but I suppose I haven't really read anything in regards to how aesthetic attractions can form. And for me, it seems males tend to catch my eye more often. So when it comes to aesthetic orientations, do people tend to have the same kinds of preferences as one might have with a sexual orientation.

 

In my experience in the asexual community so far, it seems that 'aesthetic preferences/attractions' for asexuals are pretty much no different than what sexual people experience. The only difference is that a sexual person may desire to connect sexually with someone they are aesthetically attracted to whereas an asexual never will. We have a LOT of asexuals on AVEN who came here really confused because while they have no desire to connect sexually with other people, they do find certain people 'attractive' to look at, and the 'sexual attraction' definition (the way some people define it) made them think they must not be asexual. But no, it's actually very common for asexuals to experience aesthetic attraction, as well as all the other kinds of 'attraction' feelings that sexual people can experience. The only difference is that an asexual won't ever desire to connect sexually with another person for pleasure regardless of how attractive the asexual finds the person. Some asexuals like to 'ID' with their aesthetic attraction, so for example my asexual ex called himself 'hetero asexual' or 'hetero-aesthetic asexual'. A lot of people here use terms like that to explain that while they're asexual, they do have certain aesthetic preferences for people of a specific gender/s. :)

 

Side-note about the priests

Spoiler

 

 

Regarding the article you linked, I'm really not to sure about it as often when priests have been convicted, it is for multiple (sometimes hundreds) of offenses against different children, the vast majority of which were too scared to come forward until they were adults.When the adults finally come forward, they themselves claim there were many more victims that they know of who are all still too scared or ashamed to come forward about. Whereas often in the general population a perpetrator has abused usually only one child multiple times, or a few in the close family or whatever, as opposed to the 10, 20, 50 kids priests can sometimes be convicted of, often multiple times for every single child. And it's not just kids either, there are a lot of stories from nuns who have been raped etc as well and shamed into silence.

 

Of course it may not have anything to do with the fact that they're forced into celibacy, maybe pedophiles or sexually violent people naturally gravitate towards the idea of becoming a priest, but regardless of that, it's still true that many, many celibate priests suffer a lot with their celibacy. I'm not saying that means they'll all automatically resort to molesting a choir boy or 25, but celibacy can be very, very difficult for many sexual people to maintain long term due to the mentally, emotionally, and physically negative effects it can have on them.

 

 

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4 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

We have a LOT of asexuals on AVEN who came here really confused because while they have no desire to connect sexually with other people, they do find certain people 'attractive' to look at, and the 'sexual attraction' definition (the way some people define it) made them think they must not be asexual.

YUP!

 

 

(this is why it took me until I was 30)

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everywhere and nowhere
9 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

there are alternatives nowadays so if you and your partner really couldn't handle the idea of sex you could use artificial insemination and things like that.

The most imple method is almost free: insemination with a syringe at home. While it's less effective, it's cheap and allows avoiding problems such as medicalization and breach of patient's intimacy.

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6 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

Obviously those questions can be very hard to answer for younger people because for some, they actually don't start wanting sex UNTIL they've met that right person that can 'flip their switch' which for some doesn't happen until their 20's or even later! If you've had no experience with the type of desire you get when you really fall for someone, it can be very difficult to know if you'd actually want sex or not.

I think you've hit upon the key point of my angst right now. Reading up on asexuality here has really clarified my thinking, especially if I go with the definition that is more functional/motivational than sensory/reactive (which is my psychobabble version of what you've articulated in this thread). While this is great in terms of being more forgiving and patient* with myself, I think I'm like the OP (and many others who come here) in that I'm now trying to figure out what my next steps should be. Does realizing that I'm on the ace spectrum free me from the burden of trying to date? (and I know romantic orientation comes into play as well...still haven't figured that out either) Or should I still make that effort because, as you say, I might one day find someone who flips the switch? I'm not asking anyone here to answer that for me; simply reading what others have experienced is so valuable.

 

*I think Treebeard would approve of the lack of haste with which I've approached these issues...;):D

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On 1/28/2018 at 12:43 AM, Garion said:

From the description I've read according to AVEN, sexual attraction means you at least have a desire to have sex with someone. To me, that makes me think of everyone walking around drooling in the inside of their heads over every person they see and frankly, that image has to be wrong. (Please let it be wrong.) I'll admit I'll sometimes get the little voice saying "Sex!" but it's also the same voice that tells me to hurl racial slurs at people and is annoying as opposed to actually tempting. So what do you actually have going through your mind when you're sexually attracted to someone? I'm particularly curious as to the experiences of people with conservative morals in regards to sexual actions as those may prove more relatable.

Personally, I experience sexual attraction as just being OK with things progressing sexually with a partner. It's not "OMG they are so hot, I need to do them right now". It's nothing I can pinpoint, most the time. But, occasionally one specific person I love very much stirs feelings in me that make me go "OK, if we're both open to it, I could totally take this beyond kissing". That's it. It's subtle and I could easily ignore it, if they aren't interested at that moment. It's just being open to sexual interactions with the person I love. 

 

I don't experience attraction to strangers, at all. I don't find them "hot", I don't think about kissing them and I'd never think about sex with them. They can't turn me on. Porn, etc do nothing for me. 

 

Also used to be in sexual relationships with people I cared about, but never developed attraction to them. It's a rare mixture of trust, comfort and compatibility that has sparked it this time.  I was 30 when I first felt sexual attraction, until then, I just did it cause I was told I should when with my exes. 

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6 hours ago, Entmoot said:

I think you've hit upon the key point of my angst right now. Reading up on asexuality here has really clarified my thinking, especially if I go with the definition that is more functional/motivational than sensory/reactive (which is my psychobabble version of what you've articulated in this thread). While this is great in terms of being more forgiving and patient* with myself, I think I'm like the OP (and many others who come here) in that I'm now trying to figure out what my next steps should be. Does realizing that I'm on the ace spectrum free me from the burden of trying to date? (and I know romantic orientation comes into play as well...still haven't figured that out either) Or should I still make that effort because, as you say, I might one day find someone who flips the switch? I'm not asking anyone here to answer that for me; simply reading what others have experienced is so valuable.

 

*I think Treebeard would approve of the lack of haste with which I've approached these issues...;):D

Whether you're ace or sexual, I don't personally think you should ever feel any pressure to date - I've NEVER 'dated' and that's *how* I managed to meet someone really good for me! I met him on AVEN and at the time we were both IDing as asexual. We started talking as friends, quickly realized we had a lot of feelings for each other, were both very open about everything we were feeling and everything that we could and couldn't do etc, and both realized that we liked each other so much that we were comfortable exploring sex with each other. HOWEVER, both of us would have been fine at that point if the other didn't want sex which is one of the great things about meeting people on AVEN ..no one here will EXPECT sex from you and that seems to make everything a lot easier. However like I said, I wasn't 'dating'. I was happily single and just doing things that I enjoyed and happened to stumble across someone I really liked (I think the same thing happened with @Serran as well??).

 

So yeah, my suggestion is to just enjoy being you, make the best of your life that you can, make friends IF that's what you're into (I'm EXTREMELY anti-social and don't really like having 'friends' yet I STILL managed to meet someone as a friend then quickly fall for them haha) and if the right person is out there you will both stumble across each other when the time is right :) You don't need to know what your romantic orientation is because your *body* knows and it will dictate whether you're drawn to someone romantically or not, and as you're only out there making friends there's no pressure on you to have to work out who you might want to love or have sex with or anything like that. If it's meant to be you'll be drawn to each other, probably when you're totally not expecting it at all!! :)

 

It's also fine to ID as ' I think I'm asexual but I'm not really sure' or 'asexual until further notice' or something along those lines if one is uncomfortable about the idea of identifying as asexual *just in case* they might meet someone in the future and realize they're not ace. For some people, that can free up a lot of the pressure they're feeling over their sexual identity if they're not really sure!! ^_^

 

Oh man, smiley face overload haha

 

*High fives Treebeard*

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44 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

Whether you're ace or sexual, I don't personally think you should ever feel any pressure to date - I've NEVER 'dated' and that's *how* I managed to meet someone really good for me! I met him on AVEN and at the time we were both IDing as asexual. We started talking as friends, quickly realized we had a lot of feelings for each other, were both very open about everything we were feeling and everything that we could and couldn't do etc, and both realized that we liked each other so much that we were comfortable exploring sex with each other. HOWEVER, both of us would have been fine at that point if the other didn't want sex which is one of the great things about meeting people on AVEN ..no one here will EXPECT sex from you and that seems to make everything a lot easier. However like I said, I wasn't 'dating'. I was happily single and just doing things that I enjoyed and happened to stumble across someone I really liked (I think the same thing happened with @Serran as well??).

 

Yep, wasn't looking for someone, but we started joking around flirting and ... well, one day it stopped being a joke. :lol: 

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This thread's been really interesting to read! I like reading personal experiences because to me they always provide an easier way to compare what you feel to other people who all feel it a little differently.  And you've asked great questions (I don't know if I've seen someone ask about how it feels for people who are trying to be celibate for a specific reason but still feel sexual attraction)!

 

Now I may have to go ask some of our bisexuals are questions about their experience of sexual attraction because I'm curious to see the variation there too. 

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butterflydreams
6 hours ago, Serran said:

Personally, I experience sexual attraction as just being OK with things progressing sexually with a partner.

Huh...that's interesting. Do you think you'd have to have been in that situation to know you'd feel that way? What I mean is I've never been in any situation that could've led to things progressing sexually with a partner, but this makes a lot of sense to me anyway. 

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