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"Dear Mrs Salisbury: I've finally worked out I'm asexual"


scarletlatitude

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scarletlatitude

Stuff (yes, it's called "Stuff")

24 Jan 2018

https://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/love-sex/100228712/dear-mrs-salisbury-ive-finally-worked-out-im-asexual

 

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I've been married more than once and have never had an enjoyable sexual connection. In fact I've always wondered why sex seems so paramount in people's minds, in advertising etc. I've always felt different, like I've never fitted in, always awkward in my own skin. I have never felt lust, or sexual arousal for anyone. When I fantasise about sex to masturbate, (because sometimes that's the only way I can get to sleep), I am always an observer, not a participant.  

 

I admire beautiful women, or women who obviously feel good in their own skin and I enjoy looking at men of all ages who, for whatever reason, appeal to me, but lust... never. As an older person, I'd never even heard of asexuality, until by accident I read an article about it and immediately recognised myself. My marriages have been dogged by angry husbands because I never initiated sex. I never wanted it, and when it happened, I wanted it over quickly. All I wanted was to be held and loved, sex isn't necessary for me, it was an obligation I owed to my husband. I did and do want intimacy, just not sexual intimacy, with a man.

 

Because the world seems to revolve around wanting, getting or craving as much sex as possible, or at least pretending to, or being made to feel there's something wrong with you, I feel that announcing yourself as asexual would also expose you to all kinds of ridicule. So I guess it's not surprising we are a secretive lot, and that it's taken so long to know I am OK, and I have finally found a niche where I feel I fit in. I imagine coming out as asexual can be likened to coming out as gay or transgender, but worse. After all, doesn't every "normal" person want sex? I read this somewhere: If there can be sex without love, why can't there be love without sex? And that is all I want...

 

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