Dating in College

[Sarahr17]

Hello, I'm undergraduate college student. I have known that I was asexual since I  was about fourteen. However, I have had a hard time identify with the term because I have always wanted to feel "normal".  Right now I am trying to come to to terms with the fact that this is who I am and there is nothing wrong with that but it harder than I ever could have imagined. I am hetero romantic and I always day dream about romantic relationships, however I never think about sexual aspects. I just don't now how I can have a romantic relationship in college (or honestly just in general)  because I feel like most  men my age expect sex or sexual acts a part of a relationship. Does anyone have any experiences, tips or ideas. I'm just feeling really hopeless right now and I could use some hope because right now I feel hopeless. To make worst I haven't come out to anyone and my friends all just think of me as their prude friend.  Before this year I had plenty of friends that weren't sexually active etheir but this year  many of my friends have started to become sexually active ( as people do  as  they grow up) and now I feel like more than half of our conversations revolve around sex. This makes me feel isolated from even my closest friends.  This is my first time reaching out to anyone or an online group about this I just can't keep feeling this alone forever. Thank you so much for letting me share, I would truly appreciate any responses. 

[Pseudacris]

Oh boy do I hear you. I really have no advice other than just because your friends are sexually active does not mean there is any obligation for you to also be sexually active. You're right, the expectation of sex in a relationship is a real challenge for us asexuals. I'll be candid... I have yet to have a relationship that ended well, and eventually I gave up on dating because I felt it was unfair to lead men on when ultimately the answer was always going to be no.

 

I would work on developing...well, coping mechanisms for lack of a better term. Focus your energy on other things. Make a difference. You can be happy being single. Maybe you'll eventually find a partner. Maybe you won't. It's okay either way. Be content with being different. Be confident in yourself. Don't allow social expectations or pressures to make you feel inferior. Learn to roll with the sexual jokes... some of them really are quite funny. But also don't be afraid to be honest if people ask you about your sex life. I've found that after the shock wears off that I'm a 30-something virgin that ultimately it doesn't change our friendships. In fact, it often improves things because they at least know that you're comfortable with who you are and you'll feel better about not having to hide things anymore. And if people don't want to accept you for who you are, well, they're frankly not worth your time anyway.

 

Graduate school gets even trickier because, as a woman in a male dominated field, I was never invited to social events due to being an unattached female. In extremely religious and conservative Georgia, that put me on "marriage threat status" and yeah, it was rough. I coped by getting really active in the community, volunteering my time and such. The key is to keep busy. Not only will it help your self-esteem, but you'll also be making a difference.

[Laplace]

Yeah, as a guy, the constant “guy talk” about sex and women and crap really made it hard to relate with other guys my age, and I was always the odd man out amongst my high school friends who had all at least had one relationship before. Thankfully, the people I’ve told about my disinterest have been fairly accepting, since I had a reputation for not being interested in relationships or sex. It’ll always be something friends will talk about, but at least there’s still other stuff to do with friends.

 

Unfortunately, since I’m likely an aromantic asexual guy, I don’t know any tricks to finding romantic asexual (or otherwise sex-indifferent) dudes since we are sadly rather rare according to AVEN surveys. Asexual girls seem to outnumber us guys at 3 or 4:1 IIRC. You’ll probably have to search real hard, but best of luck regardless. Communication will probably be key, as always.

 

Welcome BTW 👋🙂🎂

[Guest]

So relatable right now. I completely get the whole thing with your friends being just thinking you are a prude. I've literally had friends make jokes about it at parties in front of huge groups of people and it was the worst. I think for me it was kind of letting people know that I'm down to talk about their relationships whenever but my own are just out of bounds. I do have a good friend who isn't ace but has similar views on the unsustainability of long-term relationships for her. So even though she's coming from a different place we have similar views on not dating. It is hard though, the majority of my friends are in serious long-term relationships and I'm like 'I have a cat and that's stressful enough'. All I can say is it is possible to create space around yourself for different types of conversations. Maybe avoid the types of social gatherings where that's all you talk about and suggest more things where that kind of talk wouldn't be appropriate. Hope that helped. 

[banana monkey]

Sorry, but I never get why everyone thinks it is a bad thing to be (considered as) prudish. I think I am often considered as prudish and have no problem with being so given that (having looked up the definition) I basically am. Some people think it Honourable, I believe.   I would think there are plenty of asexuals that are "easily shocked" anyway particularly if sex repulsed, though i acknowledge that there are ones that are not.  Please correct me if I am wrong. I genuinely hope I am, as I dont mean to cause offense.