SearchingScribe

Scared and Confused Possible Homoromantic Ace--Or Lesbian--Or?

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SearchingScribe

I’ve been lurking here for just over a year and thought I would finally post my questions regarding sexuality. AVEN seems like a great community I want to be a part of. This is a bit long, so sorry in advance.

I never thought a bit about sex until just over a year ago. Only in high school health class did I really think about it, and that was just, “Okay, that’s what you do if you want kids. I don’t think I want kids.” Sex and dating didn’t interest me.

But just over a year ago (I’m in my early 20s), I was talking with my former therapist about this guy at my college I had a crush on. At least I think it was a crush. I thought we had some things in common, and I was intrigued by his seriousness and quietness that reminded me of myself. He was a really nice guy, and I eventually bugged him enough that summer that we had lunch together. (He had asked me to a few events with a group of his friends, which I declined, as I’m really uncomfortable in groups and am much better one-on-one, something I explained to him.) I guess I thought we might have had some chemistry together—for what I’m not sure. Maybe going places together, being seen as a “couple” and being each other’s primary partners, cuddling and spending life together. Certainly not sex. When he didn’t offer to pay for my meal, though, I thought he wasn’t into me. I know I probably jumped to conclusions, but once I got over my brief disappointment I treated him as a friend and the time was so much less stressful. I really enjoyed it, though I was disappointed.

This was and has been my only serious real-life crush, but after that all attraction (romantic) was gone. My former therapist thought he was interested and that I should pursue him, however, and asked me if I was attracted to him. I wasn’t sure what she meant. She asked if I had a sex drive. A what? I was totally confused. A sex drive? What the heck is that? She asked me if I wanted to kiss my crush or guys I thought were cute. Heck no I didn’t.

This started me on a long road of research. I found AVEN first, and immediately felt at home. My thoughts about sex and relationships were expressed here in a way no one else seemed to understand. I have done a ton of research on asexuality.

However, I’ve also done a lot of research on lesbianism, and found that it interests me. When I allowed myself to really think about it and see girls as equal to men and not solely/stereotypically “catty” (something I’ve struggled with), I realized I would much rather spend time with a girl. In fact I want to touch a girl—hold her hand and put an arm around her shoulders, hold the door open for her and cuddle with her and run my hands down her body and stare at her face. I was close friends with a girl in my first semester of college: we ate together all the time, I enjoyed being seemingly her only friend, and I regretted leaving her mid-year (still do).

Also, just before I started researching all this, my longtime (also female) friend and I went on a hike and later I paid for her dinner. I felt great about paying and even better being seen with her—as in, “Yeah, this cool doll is mine, you can’t have her.” A few months later, after I started researching, I saw her again in a blazer and tie. I had never seen her in such an outfit before, and it was stunning the way it fit to her curves and made her look confident and cool. I couldn’t stop staring at her. When she tied my tie for me I remembered getting somewhat nervous and sweaty and wanting her hands to never leave me. I still like the way she looks.

Still, girls don’t “turn me on” in a sexual way; nor do men. I've never felt anything "down there," never gotten wet, etc., which my former therapist seemed to find surprising. I've tried to masturbate but only get a bit of pleasure, and it's a very weird, uncomfortable feeling and after a while I get bored. I find the female body more aesthetically attractive, but I do recognize attractive men (e.g. Jensen Ackles). But I daydream about dating a girl, while I’ve never daydreamed about dating a guy and don’t want to. Of course, I've never dated anyone, so what do I know.

So for the past year and a half I’ve gone back and forth, wondering if I’m a lesbian—or an asexual romantically attracted to girls—or a lesbian—or crazy. I’ve made profiles on dating sites as well as on a lesbian dating app, and I would much rather look at girls than guys. I like guys’ straightforwardness and senses of humor—they’re more logical and easygoing than girls—but I would much rather be with a girl for the rest of my life. I think. I'm naturally wary of guys because of my history with my father, but I like guys a lot and do have a few male friends. I thought I wanted to date one once, but I really just wanted his attention and admiration--dating didn't and doesn't appeal to me.

A few people I’ve talked to, including my current therapist, think I should go on a few dates/make some friends and see if I am actually attracted to anybody. I think this is a good idea, albeit pressuring, because I’d be looking for something I’ve never experienced (sexual attraction). Honestly being ace sounds much less stressful and much more natural—sex, to me, is unnecessary and complicates everything. I would love to have a life partner who I could share a bed with, share finances with, travel with, cuddle with and open up to, who is also ace, because then we could be as physical as we wanted with each other and never have to worry about it “going somewhere.” There would be no “ultimate goal”; cuddling would just be cuddling. This is ideal. (I’m a writer, and this is how many of my fictional characters are too—sex isn’t in the picture.) Of course the odds of this are low.

So I’m very confused, and scared that I’m forcing myself into something (lesbianism) that isn’t really a part of me. I will say that now that I’m open to the idea, I enjoy a lot of lesbian articles and websites (Autostraddle especially) and the idea of dating a girl is just dreamy. But sex—eh. Being naked with someone and touching their body sounds fine, but going below the waist? No thanks. So maybe I’m homoromantic. But on the other hand, I grew up as a conservative Christian and still am a Christian, and while I have no problem with homosexuality, I fear that maybe my sexuality has been repressed all these years.

So am I a repressed lesbian or bisexual? A homoromantic ace? A biromantic ace? I don’t like labels but I really want to figure out where I fall on this, since this will impact future relationships and how I go about finding people to date/befriend. I know you all can’t tell me what I am, but I guess I just need advice and support. Has anybody been in my shoes, or can anyone identify with my situation? Does anyone have advice/thoughts? I will say that I’ve never been happier than when reading posts on AVEN and asexual sites. It just feels right.

Thank you all for all the great advice you’ve provided over the years, and thanks for reading this crazy long post!

Edited by SearchingScribe
To clarify
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Nowhere Girl
21 minutes ago, SearchingScribe said:

So for the past year and a half I’ve gone back and forth, wondering if I’m a lesbian—or an asexual romantically attracted to girls—or a lesbian—or crazy.

You're not crazy - in fact, you sound very thoughtful and logical.

You can be both a lesbian and ace. A woman doesn't have to be sexually attracted to other women to be "allowed" to call herself lesbian. A lot of homoromantic ace girls prefer to call themselves "asexual lesbians". (On the other hand, some don't.) Check out this cute picture, recently republished by Coyote:

ace-of-labryses1.png

I also wouldn't worry too much about "repression". You definitely sound asexual to me, actually you sound like a much less confused asexual than myself (while I am sure about being asexual and about not wanting to have sex, I'm also autochorissexual - that is, turned on by erotic fantasies, but only in third person - and somewhat scared that I could one day start desiring sex - scared because I so strongly wouldn't want to desire and practice it) - like an ace who just doesn't get what's the deal about sex. I believe that there's too much noise around the idea of "sexual repression", it's very often (along with "sexual dysfunctions", "frigidity" etc.) just a tool used to invalidate asexuality. Does it never happen? Sometimes it does. But a person who doesn't want to have sex explicitly shouldn't have sex, just because it's a bad, violent and harmful thing to force oneself to something unnecessary which one isn't comfortable with. "Unrepressing" oneself can be such a painful and auto-violent process that I doubt it it's worth it. So as long as a person accepts their lack of sexual desire, its reasons shouldn't really matter.

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Yeast

I've never had sex and its been a long, long time since I was 20. I like having friends but I don't think I've ever been emotionally attached to anybody, except my family maybe. I know I'm not celibate because I don't have to actively repress the sexual feelings I develop. I simply never develop them. The only person I truly loved was my mother. That was also a very long time ago. Sometimes I find it curious that I never really thought much about the fact I didn't want to get married, have kids or even want to date. I didn't know asexual people existed until I discovered this forum. Oh, I reasoned there were probably people like me but never thought that we had a name, much less a community. Regarding my own sexuality, the morning orgasm has been as much a ritual as the morning coffee for decades. Does this mean I'm really just sexually repressed? I just don't think so. I don't think one could be so repressed that attachment has never been a part of their life. Then again, if so, so be it. I am what I am, have never thought much about it and certainly have never, ever felt there was something wrong with me - repression or not. I have noticed something as I have aged though. When I was younger my sexual fantasies only involved women. The older I got the more young men entered the picture. Once again however, I don't think there is anything wrong with this. In fact I think it is probably completely natural. Somewhere in our human past it became advantageous for experienced hunters to form sexual relationships with younger hunters. The sexual bond reinforced the mentoring enormously. Many ancient cultures exploited this phenomenon. The ancient Spartans certainly did. If anything has been repressed perhaps it is this aspect of human sexuality.

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herewearenow

Thank you for sharing your story. It has some similarities to mine. I’m a female in my late 20s. I have always been romantically interested in men and have had great, emotionally fulfilling relationships with them—but have always been indifferent to the sex. I’m capable of enjoying it under particular circumstances but it’s not something I have ever actively desired. When I read about asexuality I was like OMG THATS ME!!! but there was also a voice in my head wondering whether I was actually just a repressed lesbian. I am autochorissexual and I do have third-person sexual fantasies about women and I like looking at the female body. I grew up in a homophobic family and so the notion that I was repressed seemed possible. The confusing part was that I’d never had a crush on a girl, or felt desire for romantic or sexual relations with a woman. Still I continued to ruminate on this idea that I was a repressed lesbian. After literally years of obsessing about this, I decided to go way beyond my comfort zone and go to a lesbian sex orgy to see if it was something I was into. I hooked up with three women at the party and, lo and behold, I wasn’t into it. I was just as indifferent to sex with women as I’d ever been about sex with men. I was pretty uncomfortable with the whole thing. I’m a heteroromantic ace whose fantasies involve women — it’s confusing, but it is what it is. it sounds like you might be a homoromantic ace, which is totally valid and real. 

 

There is always the possibility, of course, that maybe under different circumstances I would enjoy a woman sexually (an orgy after all is a pretty intense way to dip your feet in the waters). But what use are all of these what ifs? I have one life to live. I’m trying really hard to stop obsessing about “BUT WHAT IF” and just trust my own feelings and my own experiences. The notion of “repression” is problematic because it causes us to doubt our own feelings and experiences. It can be extremely unsettling and scary to feel like you can’t trust your own feelings.

 

I suffer from anxiety and obsessive thoughts. A big part of my distress about my sexuality comes from an intense need to classify myself and to know what I “REALLY” am. I drive myself crazy going over and over the possibilities in my head about what all of these confusing things mean about me and whether the choices I’ve made in my life regarding my identity and my romantic partnerships are the “right” ones. It’s difficult for me to experience any feeling without analyzing it instantly. I hope I’m not being presumptuous but from the tone of your post it sounds like you have a similar thing going on. Easier said than done, of course, but try to practice accepting that all of your feelings and experiences are valid and that they can co-exist. If the thought of being sexual with another person disgusts you or makes you uncomfortable (as it always has for me) then you can probably trust that feeling.

 

Also keep in mind that despite the odds there are people out there searching for the same type of relationship that you are looking for. Or you might end up with somebody who is more sexual than you, but you like them so much that you’re willing to compromise in that area and engage with them sexually in some capacity. (Likewise, they should like you enough that they’re willing to compromise and NOT engage with you sexually all the time or in ways that you’re not comfortable with). I have been endlessly surprised and pleased about how understanding and supportive my male partners have been about my situation.

 

I hope this was somewhat helpful. Best of luck with everything!

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Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad

That feels like me. I am struggling with the same problems. I mean, it feels like aromantic/homoromantic ace is what I am. But I know, if I'm really wrong i have to accept that. Still, I (hope I) know what I feel and can only deal with that and not with what I could theoretically feel but don't at the moment

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SearchingScribe
2 hours ago, herewearenow said:

I suffer from anxiety and obsessive thoughts. A big part of my distress about my sexuality comes from an intense need to classify myself and to know what I “REALLY” am. I drive myself crazy going over and over the possibilities in my head about what all of these confusing things mean about me and whether the choices I’ve made in my life regarding my identity and my romantic partnerships are the “right” ones. It’s difficult for me to experience any feeling without analyzing it instantly. I hope I’m not being presumptuous but from the tone of your post it sounds like you have a similar thing going on. Easier said than done, of course, but try to practice accepting that all of your feelings and experiences are valid and that they can co-exist. If the thought of being sexual with another person disgusts you or makes you uncomfortable (as it always has for me) then you can probably trust that feeling.

Thank you for your response! I do have anxiety and obsess over almost everything. You are right that I am similar to you in that regard, and letting go and accepting my feelings/thoughts has always been hard for me. I'm trying to work on it. I really appreciate your comment about being able to trust my feelings about sex--that is how I feel about sex. Sometimes it seems kind of interesting and I'm curious about it; but the more research I do the less it appeals, and then it makes me uncomfortable. Especially the desire aspect--I don't want anyone to desire me in that way.

 

Your post was really encouraging to me, so thank you. :)

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rinnie

hey if you wanna run your hands down someone cute - that's attraction my friend. :D super cute too lol, I giggled when i read it! I think that your hesitation to jump on the "Sexual attraction" conclusion could be meaningful too - 'cause you can like girls in a romantic way, in fact you can even like people in a sexual way and still yet not be totally into sex. I'm that way myself actually, I identify as grey because I do feel sexual attraction but, when it comes down to it sex isn't what I bargained for - don't want that. it was confusing at first but after some time I figured out, "no! this is right! I have sexual attraction! and I don't want sex!" and it was pretty satisfying to finally say it I must say xD 

 

I also felt when you were talking about seeing your friend in the suit and being blown away by her looks - that sounds like attraction to me as well. maybe there is no desire for sex, maybe it ain't sexual either, but it's attraction to her on some level. I mean - idk - you can break down the emotional realm of humans on a very fine level and pick apart subtle differences between things - so there's times when looking at someone and feeling all "wow you look really good" could be just, platonic appreciation of good looks, you know? but for me, I can tell the difference between looking at some hot model that apparently everything thinks is sexy and being like, "I guess I understand why they find her good looking, but idk she isn't attractive to me" and yet on the other hand I can look at someone I do find attractive.. and there's no logical reason to it just every inch of her is attractive, and that is so different. 

 

 so ... idk.. basically I'm trying to say that, if you felt like that moment with her, seeing her in that suit, was different. then trust that instinct :) 

 

and of course, remember to look to your experience first and foremost, other people telling you how you feel or even yourself being like "feel this way not that way" these are distractions hehe. so practice noticing for yourself what it is like to admire someone and what that means to you. that's most important about our orientation with our attraction - to be honest to what it is :) and for our sake - not anyone else's sake. 

 

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rinnie

oh and regarding anxiety - this is what I always say about anxiety, based on my journey becoming strong in the face of my anxiety - and I'm still working on it too - changing how anxiety affects you takes time, any amount of failure isn't a deterrent to learning how to overcome anxiety. what matters is practice, the patience to keep at that practice, and the hope that it will matter, it will change, you can get better at facing your anxiety. 

 

the mechanics of what I mean is - to take a moment even if only a second, to face what your brain is telling you to run away from for just a split second longer if that's all you can do. for example I was so overwhelmed with anxiety 3 years ago that I'd just turn on my video games and my music  and just avoid thinking outright altogether. so I learned from watching various videos about stress - to try to face it, and over time I'd be able to. at first I could only sit with my thoughts, alone with my thougths, no engagement to distract me - I could only do it for a second. but after several months I started sometimes being able to do it for several minutes -even a half hour- and I started to be able to let the thoughts that I was so stressed about, to allow them to unfold, and to process them, and I found I'd come up with new thoughts that made me feel a lot better, that totally collapsed the fear I was feeling. and this didn't always happened but it sure tended to happen- and tht really inspired me, to notice that change. and so then I kept at it, and with more practice - that shift in thought and emotion happened at a faster pace - even to the point where it was sometimes immediate, or that I start with a thought in negative frustration and end the thought with a smile on my face - the example I use is, I sucked bad at remembering to brush my teeth. and I used to always be all, "man I never brush my teeth" and that tought would make me really hate myself, feel useless, terrible. but, one day - I thought that thought, and halfway through it I was smiling because all of a sudden the exact same set of words had a different meaning to me - instead of meaning, "look at me failing" it meant "look at me, right now, picking up my tooth brush and doing it!" and the success of remember this one time made me so happy! and that example really captures what I've done with anxiety really well - I've basically tought my brain to wire differently - 'cause that's learning. that's memory. that's where our thoughts and emotions come from - they fire together, and build a connection, I've started watching Tom Bilyeu on youtube lately and he's said numerous times about how taking the time to practice seeing something from a positive light - it really pays off. the brain is plastic and we can teach it to process the world different - 

 

what really the reason I mention Tom Bolyeu is 'cause I just watched a video today that really opened my mind on exactly describing what I've always been noticing - that there is the sympathetic nervous system, which prepares our body for taking action - sports, or fight-or-flight, are commonly attributed to it. and not only the body but also the brain behaves different when this part of our nervous system is firing - blood leaves the prefrontal cortex and gets funnelled into the impulsive, primitive brain - and we have shorter breath and our muscles are ready for action and all the nerves in our body are primed and ready to be in use. so it's a full-body experience really, anxiety, and it's all about impulsiveness, and when anxiety is taking control - that impulse is to get away, get to safety, we're in danger! but we aren't really, our sympathetic nervous system is just being fired up when we don't need it. and this is what anxiety is. And the prefrontal cortex is what we want to be using - as part of the parasympathetic nervous system, which slows us down, relaxes us, tension in our body isn't needed at all when we have the time to process things out and digest them, think them over, make complex deep decisions. the blood is all going to the prefrontal cortex. 

 

so handling anxiety - it's a matter of practice, practicing changing the behavior of your thougths and emotions, of teaching yourself to disengage from the sympathetic nervous system and engaging with the parasympathetic instead. One thing is taking time to breathe, slow breaths, with your diaphram, this can do wonders on calming us down - it's very linked to the parasympathetic, of bringing our prefrontal cortex into action. and also practice being ok that there are those negative thoughts too - because not being ok with them only triggers the flight-or-fight response even further ;) so just accept that these thoughts are happening, you don't have to agree with them, don't have to obey them, just accept that they're on your mind - and get used to responding to them using processing, logic, reasoning, instead of reaction and impulse - because that too is teaching you to switch the nervous system from sympathetic to parasympathetic. 

 

and the brain really is plastic. you can learn! I certainly have, and I started a little older than you, so I'm sure you'll do it even better than i did ;)  plus it sounds like you aren't hiding in your room 95% of the time out of sheer fear, like I was. so you're already in a better place than I was hehe. remember me as the proof that any joker can do it :D

 

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SearchingScribe
On ‎1‎/‎28‎/‎2018 at 3:27 PM, float on said:

so just accept that these thoughts are happening, you don't have to agree with them, don't have to obey them, just accept that they're on your mind - and get used to responding to them using processing, logic, reasoning, instead of reaction and impulse - because that too is teaching you to switch the nervous system from sympathetic to parasympathetic. 

 

and the brain really is plastic. you can learn! I certainly have, and I started a little older than you, so I'm sure you'll do it even better than i did ;)  plus it sounds like you aren't hiding in your room 95% of the time out of sheer fear, like I was. so you're already in a better place than I was hehe. remember me as the proof that any joker can do it :D

 

Wow, your replies blew me away. Thank you so much for your thoughts and advice. Accepting negative thoughts has always been hard for me, as I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and I'm so used to being criticized. Every time I have a negative thought I chastise myself, and then it happens again, and again, and again--a big cycle. =) I've been trying to work on that though, and it's not easy but I think I've made progress.

 

Well, I do stay at home a lot, maybe partly out of fear =) but also partly because I just don't want to go out. But yeah, I guess it's not 95%. =)

 

Thanks again for such good advice and encouragement. You sound like a fantastic person.

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SearchingScribe
On ‎1‎/‎28‎/‎2018 at 3:06 PM, float on said:

hey if you wanna run your hands down someone cute - that's attraction my friend. :D super cute too lol, I giggled when i read it! I think that your hesitation to jump on the "Sexual attraction" conclusion could be meaningful too - 'cause you can like girls in a romantic way, in fact you can even like people in a sexual way and still yet not be totally into sex. I'm that way myself actually, I identify as grey because I do feel sexual attraction but, when it comes down to it sex isn't what I bargained for - don't want that. it was confusing at first but after some time I figured out, "no! this is right! I have sexual attraction! and I don't want sex!" and it was pretty satisfying to finally say it I must say xD 

 

I also felt when you were talking about seeing your friend in the suit and being blown away by her looks - that sounds like attraction to me as well. maybe there is no desire for sex, maybe it ain't sexual either, but it's attraction to her on some level. I mean - idk - you can break down the emotional realm of humans on a very fine level and pick apart subtle differences between things - so there's times when looking at someone and feeling all "wow you look really good" could be just, platonic appreciation of good looks, you know? but for me, I can tell the difference between looking at some hot model that apparently everything thinks is sexy and being like, "I guess I understand why they find her good looking, but idk she isn't attractive to me" and yet on the other hand I can look at someone I do find attractive.. and there's no logical reason to it just every inch of her is attractive, and that is so different. 

 

When you first said "attraction" I was confused--do you mean I want sex? No no no no!--but that part about the model vs. someone you find attractive definitely hits home. I do think I'm forcing myself to think some women are attractive, but then again, there are some women I have immediate reactions to, like you said. A lot of women people say are attractive I think, "Yeah, I guess..." but then I see a really attractive girl and I can't take my eyes off her.

 

But I don't want sex. So you consider yourself a greyasexual? That seems like such a confusing region to me. Everyone I've talked to says "If you meet the right person you'll want to have sex with them" and frankly I don't want that to happen. I don't want to have sex. It's unnecessary and confuses everything. Could this just be really really strong aesthetic appreciation?

 

Well, I'm glad I made you giggle--that's all I really want to do is touch them! I should have mentioned physical touch is incredibly important to me, and I've been lacking that the past few years and it's really hard. I get desires to touch people all the time (hugs, cuddling etc.), including, yes, occasionally wanting to run my hands down their body. Lol. The reason I wondered I'm homoromantic is because I've never felt the desire to touch a guy like that. But again, I've only just been researching all this stuff and maybe I'm just forcing these thoughts on myself. But then, I have no desire to touch a guy...but maybe I've brainwashed myself into thinking that.

 

See, I'm trying to accept my thoughts and not push them away. =)

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gaogao
On 1/28/2018 at 12:21 AM, Nowhere Girl said:

You can be both a lesbian and ace. A woman doesn't have to be sexually attracted to other women to be "allowed" to call herself lesbian. A lot of homoromantic ace girls prefer to call themselves "asexual lesbians". (On the other hand, some don't.)

<-- :) 

 

I didn't have time to read everything in this thread but I wanted to agree with this here. Lesbianism and same-sex attraction in general is really sexualised, so I think a lot of homoromantic aces are hesitant to identify as gay and feel alienated in the gay community. I prefer to resist that idea though because same-sex attraction is rarely exclusively sexual and romantic attraction is a really important part of relationships for anyone who isn't aromantic. Lesbians/gay people suffer from over-sexualisation in a lot of ways so I think it's good to resist the stereotype by identifying as a lesbian, as an asexual in a same-sex relationship.

 

On the one hand, asexuality is an important part of my identity and definitely affects my relationship strongly in private - so being upfront about your feelings about sex is still *super* important when approaching a potential relationship. On the other hand, I don't like the idea that being asexual means that I can't also be gay or that I'm less gay than any other person who is in a same-sex relationship just because I'm not interested in having sex - after all, society treats me and my partner the same way as any other lesbian couple because of my relationship - being asexual hasn't affected that side of things at all.

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Nowhere Girl
1 hour ago, gaogao said:

On the other hand, I don't like the idea that being asexual means that I can't also be gay or that I'm less gay than any other person who is in a same-sex relationship just because I'm not interested in having sex - after all, society treats me and my partner the same way as any other lesbian couple because of my relationship - being asexual hasn't affected that side of things at all.

Exactly. Which is why I believe that asexual arguments can support gay people in the fight for marriage equality. Asexual relationships are also - sometimes, perhaps no longer so often, but still - perceived as "unworthy of marriage". In some cases lack of sexual contact between spouses can be treated as proof that it's a fictional marriage only for gaining profits such as foreign citizenship. But sex is something which people usually don't do in public - in fact, sex in public is illegal. Strangers have no possibility of knowing whether a particular couple has sex and what kind of sex. A good idea for both asexual relationships (being perceived as "lesser" because of their lack of sexual bond) and gay relationships (being denied some rights for their "dirty" sex by political homophobes using esthetic arguments) is to question the importance of sex for marriage. Marriage is commitment, it's about two people officially agreeing to support each other - sex is completely irrelevant in this respect.

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SearchingScribe
On ‎2‎/‎1‎/‎2018 at 2:06 AM, gaogao said:

- after all, society treats me and my partner the same way as any other lesbian couple because of my relationship - being asexual hasn't affected that side of things at all.

I completely agree with this, and with all that you said--over-sexualization is something that bothers me about both hetero- and homosexual communities. But this is an issue too--even if you're not having sex, you're seen as "lesbian" by others, which isn't bad except for some people. I guess what I'm afraid of is that I'm using what I view as one "rejection" from a male to make an excuse to never date a guy again. Many people in my life, my therapist included, think I should try to make friends/date a few guys and see if I develop any attraction to them. (The "right guy" theory.) I would certainly like more male friends, but I'm not sure about dating. But again, maybe I'm just afraid of being rejected--or maybe I'm thinking of my parents' relationship (not good) and applying that to every relationship I might have. That is probably the case.

 

I guess I just need experience. I really just want a best friend when it comes down to it, like an exclusive best friend...and I'm more comfortable with girls. But how much do I put myself out there with guys before I get comfortable (or don't) with them? I don't want to close off any options in case maybe I am heterosexual and I might end up  missing something good. But then, a sexless relationship with a girl sounds pretty good to me.

 

Your thoughts are encouraging. ^_^ Thank you.

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SearchingScribe

Another question for all you people (you've been so helpful, thank you!): am I just making a mountain out of a molehill? Could I really be heterosexual and just need to date a few guys? I have no desire to date a guy, but I'm afraid I'm subconsciously generalizing that all men are going to reject me after I thought I was "rejected" by that guy I had a crush on. (And is it possible to have a crush on a guy but not want to date/marry a guy? I'm so confused.) Lately I've been daydreaming about having a best female friend, sort of like queerplatonic partners but a bit romantic, but I'm afraid if I don't date a guy or two, and wait long enough to get close to him and develop any attraction (which would take a while, I'm very slow to trust), I might be missing out on something that I might actually enjoy. My mom and therapist both think I should "give guys a chance" and see if I feel sexual attraction to them. I'm not opposed, as I don't want to close any doors, but I feel like I'm putting myself out there on dating sites in a forceful, "I guess I have to do this" sort of a way. 

 

But this doesn't bother me that much--it only bothers me inasmuch as I might actually be heterosexual. If I didn't have all these voices I'd love finding a girl best friend to spend my life with. I'm fine not being heterosexual, but maybe that's just me trying to be "cool" and not "fit in" with most people. In fact I'd rather not be heterosexual... So maybe I'm just overblowing this whole thing and I should just date guys like my friends do and see if I like it?

 

Like I said, I'd really like to have more guy friends--but to date a guy? I'd rather be treated as a guy's buddy than his girlfriend. I'd love to have that experience, just to know what it feels like. (It would be really helpful as a writer.) 

 

Has anyone felt this way? Thanks again for being so kind and welcoming. :)

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SearchingScribe
On ‎1‎/‎27‎/‎2018 at 4:21 PM, Nowhere Girl said:

You can be both a lesbian and ace. A woman doesn't have to be sexually attracted to other women to be "allowed" to call herself lesbian. A lot of homoromantic ace girls prefer to call themselves "asexual lesbians". (On the other hand, some don't.) Check out this cute picture, recently republished by Coyote:

ace-of-labryses1.png

I meant to thank you for this a while ago. I love this. This is awesome. :D The question is how to do I find these homoromantic ace girls? Where are they hiding? :P

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gaogao
18 hours ago, SearchingScribe said:

I really just want a best friend when it comes down to it, like an exclusive best friend...and I'm more comfortable with girls. But how much do I put myself out there with guys before I get comfortable (or don't) with them

This is hard for me too and it's also why I identify as homoromantic rather than bi or panromantic. It's not that I think I'm incapable of having a relationship with a guy, I am just way more comfortable with girls and it would take far too long for me to build up a friendship with a guy to get to the stage of trusting him enough for an exclusive friendship or romance, especially because I've had some negative experiences with a few guys who thought my wanting to be friends with them was permission to try engage with me romantically or sexually when I had no interest..

 

On the other hand, I do have one really good close straight male friend and my relationship with him is amazing! We're great buddies and I trust him a lot. You don't have to put yourself out there to form friendships though ... just let things happen as they go and hopefully you'll meet good people. You don't have to force yourself to date someone to find out if you're attracted to them IMO, it's better to have friends first if that comes more naturally.

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