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um... i seriously don't know. sorry?


havenseeker

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uh... there's this friend (or at least I thought...?) who I've known since middle school. She's the mortal who pestered me to eat more, comb my hair, and stay awake in class. Who encouraged me to talk to people. To go out more. She took me to places and at first ordered food for me, but, after a few months of rehearsing with me, she said I had to try to order for myself, to pay for my meal. When we were in middle school, she was the one who approached me first. She tried so hard to talk to me, dogging my every step. Never understood why. Because I resisted so hard. I refused to even acknowledge her presence that first year. Then, it took another year to actually remember her name. Even though her legal name still doesn’t pass through my mouth. Well, it’s in my memory, I guess, probably, but I’d rather use the nicknames we come up with. So, yeah. She hung out with me. She fed me. Sometimes she will just sit with me. She figured out what I liked, when even I don't know, what made me tick, what sent me howling and shaking with mirth, what induced a genuine smile from me. She knew me better than I knew myself. I'm typically an emotionless person. I had no clue how to smile before she got me. I used to not feel anything. Because i was brought up to believe that any sign of emotion was weakness. Now, i brighten up like crazy when she just texts me. I think I need her to be able to feel. I can’t have fun when she's not with me. no food can go down unless she's eating with me. I have no energy to even move (oh i am diagnosed with depression and schizo) 

 

And I don't know why but I get real awkward around her recently. Even though we used to be able to talk about everything. Seriously, everything. She's the only one who's supposed to turn red. She always blushes when I utter something she deems as “taboo.” She's the one who turns into a tomato. Why do I desire to run away so badly? I want to hide. I want to bury myself a few miles under somewhere. Yet I don't want to leave. She's all I know, all I care about, all I trust. I want to be the reason she smiles with her eyes. To make her feel like she's actually someone. Not the weak, inferior being that her sister manipulated her into feeling. That’s why she thinks she doesn't have no friends. When it's just me who doesn't have anyone but her. Because of lack of motivation, confidence, and an abundance of sheer terror, she won't take risks. She has no clue about what she wants to do in her life, what major she wants, despite second year of uni being almost over. She won't do anything except for reading manga, watching anime, and writing short stories that she won't let me read (she claims i'm too innocent. But doesn't innocent mean not guilty of a crime or offense? I think I accidentally killed animals before. I'm extremely clumsy... I trip over anything and nothing and knock over everything). Which would be fine by me if she wasn't so dissatisfied with her life. She's terrified to the core that she’ll end homeless. I promised she always can live with me, that I'll provide for her, but she wants to be successful on her own terms. But she won't do anything to help herself. That’s why I want to push her out of her comfort zone. I want to be her friend for the rest of my life. But... 

 

She told me that she never even considered me a friend. I thought she liked hanging out. I thought she said she liked it when I smile. It was excessively arrogant of me to think she will ever want to be my friend. I knew. I knew no one wants to be around me. I'm boring as heck. But i ignored it. I thought i could pretend she was my friend for just a little longer. Now she loathes me. She told me she doesn't want to see me ever again. Maybe she hated me since the beginning. Not sure how she lasted this long though. All i ever did was royally piss her off...


i think I've lost my mind ever since she got under my skin. Nope, I really did lose it. 

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🌻🔥🌻🔥🌻🔥🌻🔥🌻🔥🌻🔥🌻🔥
TW:- discretion advised
Green Yellow Red Black
🌻🔥🌻🔥🌻🔥🌻🔥🌻🔥🌻🔥🌻🔥

 

Hey...breathe in... breath out

In...Out...In...Out...

Do that for sometime. 

Just enjoy the feeling of breathing. 

Done? 

 

Okay. She help you. She did and it's wonderful. Now, she needs help. You want to help her. Correct? 

Sad truth is, she has to let you help her.

I can't say how she feels about you. You shpuld talk to her. Patiently. She may hurt you in that process, but it's because of  you, no.  It's something inside her she can't tell you directly. It's a thing with humans. They rarely good at communicating. That make things disastrous. 

 

I know how your friend feels. I was attached like she did. For me, it was because I seek a connection. Even if it bad ones. We feel lonely. I saw it on youtube Kurgesazt once, it's the connection that we crave. And as for the innocent? I think she's talking about porn. Yet, sexuality shouldn't be shameful. It is neutral feeling. It should be directed to positive uses. To be expressed beautifully. Maybe she isn't into it sexually, she just want the aesthathic. Or the intense connection the character feel. It is liberating at times. 

 

Show her that the world around her is beautiful. Maybe even more than the place she hide herself. 

 

Loving someone pushes you to be better for her. 

 

There are Calvin Hobbes quote. 

Not I take care of you, you take care of me.  But I take care of me for you, and you take care you for me. 

 

It's a kind of odd...but a great quote nonetheless. Maybe it will help?

🌻🔥Live Long and Prosper🔥🌻

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Redshirt Jim. holy mother of cows how do you read so quickly?? uh sorry? and sorry again. kinda was trying to figure out how to reply... yeah, i'm a hopeless idiot. and sorta freaked a little when you posted... didnt know how to respond... sorry

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Want to PM? I'm open if you want. 

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Confused.Kitten

I dont really know what to say... From one moment to another she stop caring? What happened?

 

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Confused.Kitten, um it's ok if you don't know what to say...? you don't have to? 

and uh dont really think she ever cared. she was just lonely. but after she got friends, she didn't leave me yet because she's too much of a people-pleaser. however, she did mention she couldn't be around girls who liked girls. maybe at some point she thought i liked her as more than a friend...? or she just couldn't take my everyday annoyingness? or maybe it's because she said I ruined her life? Either way, she cut ties with me.

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Kai99. uh i think the reason is because i annoyed her too much. sometimes, she laughs at the things i say. other times she says i shouldn't say what i say. sometimes she claims it's cute that i'm such a "kid" sometimes? that it's endearing that i can speak my mind if i wanted to? then a few days later, she chides me for not knowing what is "appropriate" to say in public and what is not. why? most of them, we'll most likely ever see again? even if we did, so what...?

oh um what do you mean by like?

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Confused.Kitten
11 hours ago, havenseeker said:

oh um what do you mean by like?

I might be wrong, but the way you talk about her... there's a bond! As a friend or as a crush , I can see you feel afection for her, even thought you didnt let her reach you in first place. I would honestly say you "like like" her, even if it's just a bit

 

Now, I feel like she owes you some explanation... It's sad stuff ended that way. You are not the problem here.

She probably has a problem herself that we dont know of. Anyway, sad situation!

*virtual hugs*

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Confused.Kitten, eh... i guess i kinda care about her... a lil bit... but but does that mean like like??

 

and i think i know the reasons why she's gone... 

 

how am i not the problem? i am not enough to help her, to prompt her to grow, to aid her in becoming who she desires to be. i can never give her what she wants. B4, she said I just make her feel like dirt because she thinks i'm "kind, smarter, funnier, taller, prettier," and that I "attract all the guys." There's definitely smth wrong with her eyes. i'm just a useless slut that no one wants. She said it makes her feel even worse because i dont want or even notice these guys who she claims want to be with me. And because I do everything she says and go beyond that. Twice, she has told me she feels like a villian, that i'm too "pure," like she's taking advantage of me, of my "kindness." She elaborated. But only a lil... so i really don't get why she thinks im too "good" for her. but eventually I told her the truth. That i don't care. That i just want her to be happy.

 

yeah, she did have a problem. but, during our last meeting, i managed to trick her into pursuing what she really wants. 

 

y is it sad? since my future is meant to be solitary anyway. no one can tolerate coexisting with me.

 

uh... thank you for the hug...? 

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I suck at this stuff too, but I still want to coexist with you! :cake:

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Lunakat805, oh...? why? why do you say that? uh um sorry... you don't have to tell me, if you don't wanna. sometimes, i gotta learn when to stfu... sorry.

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no worries... I suck at relationship stuff. Trying to read others. Trying to be a normal human. Trying to make things better usually gets worse. oY! But we can support each other and this world feels just a touch better. ^_^

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ah... well, who cares about normal? er sorry if you do... i'm not trying to be offensive or anything.

uh, yeah, if you want my support (?), then you can have it, without a doubt. and your offer (?) of support is highly appreciated but equally unnecessary. Thank you so much. 

um sorry if i misinterpreted and you just said that generally and didn't mean you and me specifically.

 

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