My best friend

[Zanilrig]

Hi, new here. My best friend told me today  that he thinks he might be Asexual/Aromantic. I'd suspected as much for a while. I really want to be supportive and make sure he's comfortable around me. Is there anything else I can do to support him?  I told him as long as he's happy, that's the important thing. 

I always let him know ahead of time when I'd like to hug him(he's not big on physical contact) and I always make sure he initiates the hug. Is this OK?  Should I not ask to hug him at all?  I love him very much, and his friendship means a lot to me. 

[Zanilrig]

Thanks, yeah, I get anxious about stuff. I *thought* I was doing OK but it's always good to have someone tell you, "yes,  you're doing it ok"

Honestly, I just want him to be happy in our friendship, like I am. 

[MrDane]

I think, that to many asexuals and aromantics, it is better to give them a ‘warning’ because they dont always play by the same rules as romantics or sexuals. Like: “good to see ya! Can I give you a hug?”

 

It is all about finding a mutually understood ‘language’ so that your message comes across in the rigth way. Sometimes it feels like rejection of you, but perhaps it is only a rejection of the hug. And you dont want your hug to feel like a violation either. Kind of hard though, isnt it?

[iff]

10 hours ago, Zanilrig said:

I told him as long as he's happy, that's the important thing. 

When I came out to my friends, that was the same response I got which made me happy.

 

You are doing very good, the asking to hug is very nice.

 

[Zanilrig]

8 hours ago, MrDane said:

I think, that to many asexuals and aromantics, it is better to give them a ‘warning’ because they dont always play by the same rules as romantics or sexuals. Like: “good to see ya! Can I give you a hug?”

 

It is all about finding a mutually understood ‘language’ so that your message comes across in the rigth way. Sometimes it feels like rejection of you, but perhaps it is only a rejection of the hug. And you dont want your hug to feel like a violation either. Kind of hard though, isnt it?

Thank you, yes, it is hard, because I'm a serial hugger lol.  But I would never want my love to be perceived as a violation, no matter how well-meaning. We are total opposites, in a lot of ways. I'm an ENFP and he's ISFJ,  I'm a Gryffindor and he's Slytherin, you get it lol. But I love him like my own family. He jokes about how completely opposite we are, yet somehow it works :). I'll just keep on keeping on, then, but if anyone has any other suggestions, things I may not have thought of, I'd be very happy to hear them. 

[Chimeric]

Just make sure he knows that the lines of communication are always open. =) Asking for a hug or allowing him to initiate are really good starting points, but if he says no, don't take it personally. It's not you he doesn't like, it's the hug.

 

(Not taking things personally is a really difficult thing to do, it turns out.  You'll get better with practice, but there may be moments you snap at him or wallow a while for it - that's ok, you're allowed to make mistakes, just try to keep moving forward =) )

[Zanilrig]

18 hours ago, Chimeric said:

Just make sure he knows that the lines of communication are always open. =) Asking for a hug or allowing him to initiate are really good starting points, but if he says no, don't take it personally. It's not you he doesn't like, it's the hug.

 

(Not taking things personally is a really difficult thing to do, it turns out.  You'll get better with practice, but there may be moments you snap at him or wallow a while for it - that's ok, you're allowed to make mistakes, just try to keep moving forward =) )

Thank you!  Yeah, I'm the queen of taking things personally haha. I think, in a way, it will be easier not to take it personally now that I get more where he's coming from. And doing all the reading I've been doing since he told me this has also given me more insight about myself, as well. 

I'm glad I found this message board. Thanks everyone!