Confused.Kitten Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 I know I have a low self-esteem. I know I sound a bit of a dramatic. But the thing is ... I never, EVER, feel good enough for anyone. Whether it's for my boyfriend , for my mom , for my friends or for myself... IM NOT enough! I always feel like I'm this unstable lil girl who, when down, brings everyone down with her. And I hate it. But I can't simply avoid being down. I start to feel worst if I think about it. I start to hear voices in my head telling me to go away , to avoid being with people. I freak out and feel like crying. I might be going crazy. I keep losing control. I'm a terrible girlfriend because I cry everytime when with him. I love him, but maybe I'm selfish for keeping him here when I know he needs more. We are a relationship happening at the wrong time. He shouldn't have to feel like he needs to take care of me or that he has settled down. I'm a terrible daughter because I close myself in the room and avoid my mom. I'm a terrible friend because I run away from others or because im always to stressed with my stupid lil issues to enjoy a night out. And most of all, I'm terrible to myself because I simply hate what I've become. I lost control of myself. I feel like I'm sufocating... I feel like I want to sufocate. I want peace. I want happiness... Why doesn't this go away? I need some fucking help ... I cant take this anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenAce Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 *really big hug* I know how you feel- I've been feeling the same way all week. I don't really know what to say other than you're not alone. I know it doens't always help, but one profound piece of advise I heard once to help quite your brain was just saying "shhhh..." Just really gently and calmly. It sometimes works for me... I can relate to wanting to just let it take over and let myself drown, but keep fighting ok. I know its hard, and I know it sucks. Find some help, talk to someone, it can even just be telling a friend "I feel this way" Please dont give up Link to post Share on other sites
arekathevampyre Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 Sounds a lot like me , just that I am single . PM me if you need okay ? Link to post Share on other sites
Confused.Kitten Posted January 26, 2018 Author Share Posted January 26, 2018 5 minutes ago, OpenAce said: I can relate to wanting to just let it take over and let myself drown, but keep fighting ok. I know its hard, and I know it sucks. Find some help, talk to someone, it can even just be telling a friend "I feel this way" Please dont give up But who am I to make someone carry this burden with me , you see? I share all this with my dude, I know he cares and all , but I'm afraid one day he gets tired of all this... I'm no fun. I'm a boring person who tries to keep herself busy so she doesnt go down... and for once it's like I can't shut my brain! I cant wear a mask and just keep going with a smile on my face, helping others. That's not me anymore. I feel like Im no longer drowning. I just hitted the bottom of the sea Link to post Share on other sites
OpenAce Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 7 minutes ago, Confused.Kitten said: But who am I to make someone carry this burden with me , you see? i get it, i feel the same. i always appologise for talking to my friends but, what we need to learn is they do care. 9 minutes ago, Confused.Kitten said: but I'm afraid one day he gets tired of all this... again, same here. i constantly worry about my friend's uping and leaving me. but ive learnt over a long time that they still havent and arent going to Link to post Share on other sites
Confused.Kitten Posted January 26, 2018 Author Share Posted January 26, 2018 I know he'll always be here for me even as a friend, but I still want him as much more. In other hand, he deserves someone stable who can properly love him... And I feel so bad about sometimes not being able to properly kiss him or just feel self conscious about something and ruining the mood. I hate to cry in his arms. I start to feel weaker. A burden. I try to avoid it , but it's so much and sometimes I just explode. Then there are this small lil things, I'm not able to do with him since I'm living with my mom (i'm 20). I'm not able to stay over at his place for one night or visit him on his college town without my mom being all mad... THIS LITTLE THINGS, make him feel sad that stuff are like this and pissed because Im not able to impose myself properly. Because if I do , my mom will be mean and cold to me for more than a week ... and I try to avoid trouble. He knows I try hard but ... arghh it's hard ! It's frustrating for both of us Im always burning inside from this and that. I keep feeling opressed by everyone. What matters is always what I do wrong. It looks like others cant see my progress or effort. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenAce Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 i'm sorry that you feel this way. remember there is nothing wrong with you for being/doing you- even if we feel like it sometimes. you have my best wishes Link to post Share on other sites
Confused.Kitten Posted January 26, 2018 Author Share Posted January 26, 2018 Thanks for hearing me out... I know there's not much you can do... I think I just need to go to my schools shrink and get my head straight for once Link to post Share on other sites
SleepyFox Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 Okay first of all is there any way you can make an appointment to talk with a psychologist? They can be a sounding board so you can vent to someone other than your boyfriend. Spread the load a bit, you know? That might help with feeling like you’re burdening him. Because you deserve to be listened to. And you deserve to be helped. I’ve been in a similar place to where you are, and it /does/ get better. You just got to keep holding on. *hugs* be kind to yourself okay? You’re doing your best. Link to post Share on other sites
lilgroundhog Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 My opinion is you should consider seeing a professional mental health provider. If nothing else they should be able to provide you with coping techniques so you can enjoy time with friends and family. "Hugs" Link to post Share on other sites
banana monkey Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 Hi @Confused.Kitten, It sounds like we can be in a very similar situation some of the time, I have suffered with low self esteem in the past and I thought it had got better but recently its come back because of really bad stresses at work. I know its not rational but I feel really sad and horrible when it happens so I sympathise. I know it feels bad, but I'm glad you have your boyfriend to talk to, I wish I had someone similar at times. I hate bringing everyone down with me too. Good luck and Pm me if you need to talk more. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused.Kitten Posted January 27, 2018 Author Share Posted January 27, 2018 Thank you all , from the bottom of my heart <3 I will get better soon, I will go to the doctor.... Meanwhile, It's amazing how stuff change when I have my dude by my side. I feel calm most of the times... stable. Stuff will be alright , I know they will *group hug* Link to post Share on other sites
ponz Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 I don't have much to say except "ditto" to everyone else's comments. 😅 Tho there is one thing. You keep mentioning that your boyfriend deserved someone "better" and that you're keeping him in the relationship, but... (and I mean the following to be comforting and helpful, so please read my words with a kind voice in your head; I don't want to be taken the wrong way >_<) ...You aren't god or a puppeteer. You don't control your boyfriend. He is his own person, with his own thoughts, his own feelings, his own will and his own voice. If he chooses to date you, it's not because you're forcing him to, it's because he wants to. Don't blame yourself for things that are out of your control. I know that even if you can at least accept that, it won't erase all of your guilt, but I hope it helps a little bit. Just hang in there and do your best for your loved ones. Even if it isn't very often and it doesn't seem like much, I'm sure they'll appreciate it. ^-^ Link to post Share on other sites
awkward_pterodactyl Posted January 28, 2018 Share Posted January 28, 2018 I agree with everything everyone has said. I've struggled with some of the same stuff and it really really sucks. I would like to interject that it kinda sounds like your mom is manipulating you a bit. My mom is the same way- she belittles me and tells me I'm useless and a bad daughter and makes me feel guilty for doing anything. I'd just like to say that what she says isn't true, and you don't have to believe her when she knocks you down. I could be reading it wrong, but I still wanted to say that you shouldn't listen to people telling you that you're not good enough, even when it's yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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