Help Me Make Sense of This?

[ReyTheCastaway]

I posted before but now that I've had a while to sit on it, I've realized what I'm feeling... and it makes no sense. 

I was born female, and for most of my life, I've lived like that. And recently, completely subconsciously, I would think to myself "I wish I was a girl."

There's an obvious disconnect between who I am and the sex I was assigned, but I wish there wasn't. I wish I felt like a girl. But I don't. I just don't. And it's uncomfortable.

What does this mean? Does this mean I'm just driving myself crazy, or is there something to what I'm feeling? All I know is there is definitely a guy in this body.

[Scottthespy]

So this is a sort of...mental dysphoria? You have the body you want, but it feels like the wrong mind inside?

 

What, other than this wishing to be girl, do you think is making you feel like you aren't one? Is there anything you can put into words?

[ReyTheCastaway]

40 minutes ago, Scottthespy said:

So this is a sort of...mental dysphoria? You have the body you want, but it feels like the wrong mind inside?

 

What, other than this wishing to be girl, do you think is making you feel like you aren't one? Is there anything you can put into words?

There's a few different things that go into it. I hate my birth name and would rather go by a masculine name as well as by masculine pronouns. When I say things like "I'm a feminine guy" I get stupidly happy. Like it fits better than having been called a girl my whole life. But there's a part of me that wishes I felt comfortable being a girl. I just don't, I wish I was truly a girl inside but I'm just not. I know I'm not. I guess there's also some fluctuation between how feminine I feel and how masculine I feel, not in reference to gender usually, but in expression. Some days I want to dress femininely but still feel like a guy, and other days that makes me really uncomfortable. And sometimes I want to be more feminine than I actually am.

 

I don't know if this explains anything or not, but that's what I got.

[Skully Roses]

2 hours ago, ReyTheCastaway said:

I posted before but now that I've had a while to sit on it, I've realized what I'm feeling... and it makes no sense. 

I was born female, and for most of my life, I've lived like that. And recently, completely subconsciously, I would think to myself "I wish I was a girl."

There's an obvious disconnect between who I am and the sex I was assigned, but I wish there wasn't. I wish I felt like a girl. But I don't. I just don't. And it's uncomfortable.

What does this mean? Does this mean I'm just driving myself crazy, or is there something to what I'm feeling? All I know is there is definitely a guy in this body.

You might be non-binary. There are so many identities under the nb umbrella so that's for you to find out specifically (there are forums and wikipedias and blogs all about nb identities that you might want to look into) 

[Scottthespy]

13 hours ago, ReyTheCastaway said:

There's a few different things that go into it. I hate my birth name and would rather go by a masculine name as well as by masculine pronouns. When I say things like "I'm a feminine guy" I get stupidly happy. Like it fits better than having been called a girl my whole life. But there's a part of me that wishes I felt comfortable being a girl. I just don't, I wish I was truly a girl inside but I'm just not. I know I'm not. I guess there's also some fluctuation between how feminine I feel and how masculine I feel, not in reference to gender usually, but in expression. Some days I want to dress femininely but still feel like a guy, and other days that makes me really uncomfortable. And sometimes I want to be more feminine than I actually am.

 

I don't know if this explains anything or not, but that's what I got.

Hm. It sounds like at least part of your stress is from thinking this is a problem. Don't get me wrong, if you aren't comfortable, that's not good, but the human mind is really good at worrying over whether or not it should be worrying. Like, as an example, some one who has a strange fetish and is perfectly comfortable with having it, but is worried that they SHOULDN'T be comfortable. If its possible, try to recognize when you're worrying about not being a girl and stop yourself, take a breath, and say 'I am me, and the me than I am is okay'. Try to derail the part of your stress that's just worrying about whether or not you're thinking the 'right' things, and realize that there really is no 'right' way to think...or, for that matter, to be a girl.

 

Its okay to consider yourself 'a girl' even if you're feeling masculine. My mother is like that, very much 'one of the guys', a strong, rough and tumble, play in the mud and work with tools kinda gal. She's thought for most of her life that she'd probably have had more fun if she was born a boy...but she's happy enough being a woman. And she does consider herself a woman even if she isn't at all feminine. You can call yourself 'a girl' without guilt or feeling like its a lie, even if your mind seems more masculine. You don't have to like stereotypical 'female' things to be female. 

 

Now, for the part of you that wants to like those stereotypical things, the best thing to do is explore and experiment. While shopping, try on some frilly, girly clothes, just to see how you feel about how they look. Watch some 'chick flicks', see if you can get into them. If you don't typically wear makeup or nailpolish, try some. If you don't like something, that's fine, it's not a problem. But maybe you find some 'girly' things that you DO genuinely enjoy, and then you can feel happier knowing that there is a frilly girly side to you after all. It doesn't have to be front and center all the time for you to know it's there and take comfort in it.

 

Spoiler for unnecessary but perhaps helpful anecdote:

 

Spoiler

This is much, MUCH less effecting than your issue, but for about three years now I've been calling myself a hippy. I'm into natural medicines, I don't shave, I'm learning about how to live off the land, that whole shtick. But there's a lot of things that don't line up...at twenty eight I'm not nearly old enough to be a REAL hippy, and I don't do drugs or sex...I'm into the environmental and 'peace towards all' side of things. I DRESS like a hippy, and that's where some things started becoming an issue...I started to feel like I couldn't be a real hippy unless every outfit was straight out of a tv show, complete with headband and round sunglasses. I NEEDED to LOOK the part, or I couldn't say I really WAS a hippy, could I? I stopped wearing a lot of clothes I really liked, and worried about whether or not I could even call myself a hippy if  didn't match what I was 'supposed' to like. I realized pretty quickly that a headband or a birth date isn't what makes a person a hippy, hippy is a philosophy, a way of life, and while I don't meet every stereotype, I've got enough for me to feel comfortable in calling myself 'a hippy'. Realizing that a way or life, or a gender, or what have you is not like a magazine personality test, where you have to check off a certain number of 'yes' spaces to qualify, is very important in life. Most of the time, stuff like this is more a matter of what you're comfortable with, especially with things that lack solid definitions in the first place.