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I'm aromantic but I'm dating someone?


Haywoodyoublowme

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Haywoodyoublowme

So, since I've taken your guys' advice and see if I lined up with aromantics then yes. I have realized why I wondered why the fuck i can't relate to anyone's romantic frustrations nor have stable relationships. I am very much aromantic. Not sure about the sexual part because Ive never had sex (not saying people can't identify as ace without having sex, it's just a preference for me that I want to prove it to myself). But that's another story.

The problem here is, I have a girlfriend. And we're each other's first (I consider her to be my first because others didn't last long, but little did I know why). Anyways, as I stated on my last post, she's one of my best friends and "straight" (I'm FtM but not much people know so people still view me as a woman) plus her family is majorly catholic. She's great, intelligent, social, and pretty rich but... She's insecure about a lot of stuff and shes..dependent on other people's love so when they try to break off, it's messy.

I don't want to be that to her, she's sweet and caring plus im pretty sure it will just break her if I try to cut it off. But I really can't be that person who she want me to be— a romantic partner. And I hate to be that guy who found out their identity just because of our relationship. So because of this, I'm conflicted with having myself identify and express my feelings of aromantism or suppressing it for her. 

What should i do? 

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I think if you explain that you're aromantic and what that means, it'd be fine. If she understands that it's your identity which is incompatible, and not anything to do with her it'd be fine surely? Perhaps I shouldn't be giving advice, I'm aromantic as well... :P 

 

I think it will be a lot more painful for you both if you drag it on. Even I can tell that it will definitely turn out badly if you try suppressing yourself. 

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I would tell her that you're aromantic. It doesn't mean you can't have a relationship. Right now I'm in a relationship with someone who's romantic, and I'm not. And he's ok with me being someone who will accept his romantic feelings, even when I don't return them. If you are happy in your relationship, in whatever way works for you, don't break it off. Let her know what you've found out about yourself, and what you can and can't feel for her. Let her decide if that's enough,  or if she wants or needs a partner who has romantic feelings as well. 

 

Anecdotally, my current relationship started  when I came out as aro-ace to a friend that had expressed interested in dating. I thought it was going to be the end of his feelings for me, and maybe even our friendship, but he still had feelings for me and didn't mind that I didn't reciprocate in quite the same way. We've been together 2 years now. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I too would advise explaining to her that you're aro and what it means. My boyfriend admitted he was relieved when I explained to him I'm aro ace, because me being aro meant that it wasn't that he was unlovable, it was just that I wasn't capable of feeling any more than I already did (fondness, of the platonic sort).

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Absolutely talk with her. Communication is key in any sort of relationship, romantic or not.

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What does romantic mean anyhow?  Seems to me it's more practical to break it down for someone, that way there's clearer communication anyhow, "I do like cuddling but I just never think about sweet things to say, it's just the way I am, I don't have that desire to woo and date and flirting isn't natural to me" means something different than "I really would rather not hold hands or cuddle or gaze in each other's eyes or talk as if we are a couple or talk about future plans or what 'our relationship is'" -- yet both could be ways of expressing being a-romantic, it seems to me, the one being comfortable doing some things that the other isn't comfortable doing, and vice versa.

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