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Very Confused and Concerned.. Help... (long, sorry..)


ChesterBarnes

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ChesterBarnes

Hey there, I just found this site and it seemed like a really good place to kind of ask about this sort of thing. If it isn't allowed or if it isn't... appropriate? Just ignore it... 

After doing so much research, it’s only getting more confusing and I’m not sure what’s happening anymore. To start off, my name isn’t really Chester, it’s just a name I really like. I’m a female. I’ve been dating a girl for a year and 5 months. A few years ago, I started feeling odd. I didn’t feel like I fit in with my assigned gender. My previous girlfriend didn’t react well to that news when I told her, she got angry, so I decided I would just “get over it” and move on. After my previous girlfriend and I broke up, I started having those thoughts and feelings again. I’m absolutely 100% okay being a woman, I don’t mind being called “she” “her” “girl”. I don’t mind that my girlfriend calls me her girlfriend, because I am a girl. However, over these years, I’ve discovered I wouldn’t mind if my girlfriend called me her “boyfriend”, “he” “him”. In fact, these little thoughts started out as me thinking “I wouldn’t mind being a male.” And it has manifested into me wanting to be a male (in certain areas of my life, we will get to that in a moment). I don’t know what this makes me. I’m not trans. I know I don’t actually want to be a male. I just wouldn’t mind presenting myself as a male. I’m afraid this would ruin my relationship. Not in the sense that my girlfriend would leave me, I have talked to her a little bit about this and she has stated multiple times that she would love me no matter what, even if I decided I wasn’t in the right body and wanted to be male. I don’t know what to call myself. I don’t want to classify as genderqueer or transgender because those labels just don’t… feel right. I especially don’t like genderqueer because I don’t feel like I go back and forth between feminine and masculine. I generally just feel masculine in a small, petite body.

Going back to “wanting to be a male in certain aspects of my life”, I don’t want to say I want male genitals. Because I don’t. I don’t want to go through the surgeries or the hormone treatment. But I am 100% unsatisfied with my breasts/chest. I want a flat chest. I don’t want to go through the surgeries, I just want to wear a binder even though I’m not transgendered. I don’t like my breasts. I just want a flat chest. I don’t know what’s happening. I’ve been able to ignore it for quite a while but it’s starting to show its ugly head more and more and I’m just scared and confused and lost. I also don’t know how to bring it up with my girlfriend. I’m not scared she’s going to reject me over it, I’m just scared she might secretly wish I wasn’t like this?

Please, help, I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what I am. I’m looking for answers without having to go to a therapist, the area I live in is incredibly conservative and the ability to see a therapist that specializes in this is slim to none, so this is basically my last hope..

Sorry it’s so long…

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Hi there. I'm willing to maybe help you somewhat if you want. I would love to try to at least. :)

 

I'm not going to say I understand what you're going through because I'm going to be perfectly honest, I don't (well, aside from the living in a very conservative place). I will say this, however, you should never feel that something is wrong with you. I know that's very cliché, but it's the truth. You're just different, but not completely different from everyone else. There are a lot of people out there who feel the same exact way. While I was reading what you wrote, I immediately thought of genderqueer or genderfluid or nonbinary (whatever term you prefer) but you said you didn't quite feel that way. I'm going to be honest, I don't really know a title for what you're feeling, but listen to me--that's okay. You don't have to put a title on it. If you want, I can tell you more about my own personal experience about "labels" as well. Sadly, that's something society does to us. It makes us think we have to be either this or that (and I'm not just talking about male or female). Right now, you're trying to figure out "what" you are. But you should already know. You're human, dear. You shouldn't have to be scared to talk to your partner about it either. It's okay to not know "what you are". One day, you will. One day, you'll read something or you'll meet someone, and suddenly, you'll know. But until you get to that point, know that it's okay and you're wonderful just the way you are. :)

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ChesterBarnes

Thank you for the kind words. My girlfriend is the only one who knows about this (other than my awful ex), if I were to tell anyone else I'd lose them, so it's really hard when I can't really talk about it. It's easier to talk about online on a supportive forum like this, where I can stay anonymous and feel like nobody's going to give me weird looks or laugh in my face.

 

I would love to hear your stories about labels, if you're willing to share! (:

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Hey, may I suggest bigender as a label to look into? Bigender is the state of being two genders at the same time. So in your case girl and boy (or if the feeling of being a boy isn’t that strong then maybe a gender identity that denotes a weaker association to male)

 

I went through a bunch of labels until I found the right one. It was like each one was a step closer to what I was. I was scared and worried, I denied that I was trans (I’m not trying to insinuate that you’re in denial this is just how I felt at the time). I started with various forms of female identities then neutral ones. A couple handfuls of masculine ones until I ended up where I am. But it took a lot of time and a lot of research. You’ll get there one day. You’ll get to the point where you’re c onfident in your identity. Until then, try stuff on (in your head or online (but getting out of your head wuld probably be better, it made things go faser for me)). And avenites are an awesome support group, they seriously helped me out on a few issues :)

 

I wish you luck!

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ChesterBarnes

Avenities? May I ask what that is? (:

 

Since I feel more masculine than feminine, I've tried out demiboy, which feels the most accurate, but the definition didn't seem quite right. I appreciate your suggestion though, and I'll definitely look further into it. (:

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Avenites are simply the users/members of AVEN. I’ve been on here for almost a year and ony ran into one transphobic person. And since there’s so many people in so many time zones I found it the best place to rant to when I coudn’t sleep.  

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You’re welcome! And yeah, I had some hiccups at first. Learning terminology and finding my way around was a little weird. If you have any questions about the site or about terms or something, I could try to answer them.

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