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Advice Needed: Dealing With a Physically Affectionate Person


Aromanatee

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Hey there, so I hope I'm on the right forum to ask for this kind of advice.

But before I jump straight into the jumbled mess of thoughts that I've been having today I would like to provide some context. But oh boy, this might be long, I need to vent a little bit. 

 

So, as my profile states, I am a aromantic asexual. What it doesn't state is that I am sex-repulsed, romance-repulsed, anxious around men, and not comfortable with most touching**. I recently started my fourth semester of community college and have to take a physics course as one of my prerequisites for transfer. On the first day, I met a boy who I'll call Hands. This made me feel quite fortunate as it was rare for me to get to know others in my classes due to my anxiety. And we seemed to get along quite well, which was even rarer. Now, while Hands isn't a bad guy, he does have a bit of an odd "quirk." While chatting with him I lamented on my clothing choices for the day (I wore a sundress on a day with heavy wind and rain showers) and in particular, my lack of warm handwear. In response to my complaint, Hands grabbed my hands with both of his and asked if that felt any better. Fortunately, I've gotten better at talking to men and quickly laughed it off, commenting how weirdly warm his hands were. After that, I tried to not think too much of it as it would only cause me trouble. It wasn't until a week later after our initial meeting (our class didn't meet for two days due to holiday and class being canceled) that we ran into each other again. So we started talking again and this time he grabbed my hands two times. Only this time I assumed it was supposed to be his way of expressing sympathy since I was talking about how I was the awkward kid in high school. Anyways, cut forward to the end of class for the day, we exchange numbers and go our merry ways. Everything seemed pretty dandy with the exception of the sympathetic hand touching... that is until today.

 

**Exceptions include: family members, good friends, and people I feel comfortable around

 

Today he invited me out to the college for a bit of a study session and this made me really excited because I'd never had a study session with a classmate before. Well I arrive and things are pretty normal for a bit, we chat, go inside and start studying for our physics course. But after a while he gets chatty and kind of distracted, and eventually during our talk, grabs my hands again. I think it's because I commented how weird I was this time. Anyway, I try to brush it off as nothing but am struggling to keep my discomfort from showing.  He eventually says he can't focus on the work because he's missing some materials and needs to grab them. He tells me we can head to his house for the materials and then to the public library to continue our study session. And so we do just that. But as our study session starts to progress once again, he gets distracted and talkative again. He grabs my hands multiple times this time around. But this time he starts playing with my fingers and says he's comparing the size of our hands. He says he's having an off day and which usually doesn't happen often, and I reassured him that it's okay and that we all have off days. I suggested a drink break and off we went. And for a while things seemed to calm down for a bit, we got our drinks, chatted, and walked on the pier that's nearby our local library. I was feeling a lot more relaxed and kind of let my guard down. We headed back to the library to decide what to do next (he still wasn't able to study) and suggested we head to his house for dinner so off we went again.


We arrived at his house and I met his family and things were still pretty normal, with the exception of his mom very obviously whispering to keep the door open... (Although at this point he was aware I was aromantic and asexual which he promptly whispered back to his mom) After that we hung out and played video games till dinner arrived. Fortunately, there was very little hand touching during this because we ended up playing Call of Duty. After dinner, we head back up to his room, but this time we just talk. No games, TV, etcetera. During this period of time, he grabs and plays with my hands multiple times only stating that he just likes playing with my hands he also hugs me quite a bit too and even makes an attempt at jokingly grabbing my foot at the end of the night. At this point, I'm quite uncomfortable but am too awkward to say anything about it. Fortunately, after the conversation had puttered out he agreed to take me home. And that was that.

 

I will note that during our multiple conversations he mentioned he was very affectionate platonically and would often play with peoples hands or kiss them on the cheeks. So the majority of my discomfort lies on me rather than him.

 

Tl;dr Connected with a classmate, but is very affectionate platonically

 

Anyways, now onto the real reason why I created this post. I need advice on how I can deal with something like this. I'm not comfortable with him grabbing my hands and playing with them, randomly hugging me (I'm okay with hello, goodbye hugs), grabbing at my foot (even as a joke; people getting near my legs has always made me insanely uncomfortable). I want to continue to talk to him, but I'm struggling with how touchy-feely he can be. Any advice?

 

There were also some honorable mentions that went on over the week I've known him but since they're less relevant to this post (which is already an essay on its own!) I'll just bullet them down below. And thank you to anyone who actually finished this wall of text of mine, even if you don't have advice, it makes me glad to know someone was willing to take the time out of their precious day to listen to me rant.

 

Honourable Mentions:

- Calling my feet cute

- "How do you know you're aromantic if you never dated?" (I never thought I'd actually get this one, but lo and behold...)

- "For someone who doesn't trust men you sure trust me enough to let me drive you somewhere." (I trust you enough not to murder in a dark alley, but not enough that I feel 100% comfortable around you)

-  "How would you feel if I asked you on a date right now, like as a joke?"

- "Wouldn't it be funny if I pretended to be your boyfriend?" (This is a suggestion to me saying my family assumes all male friends I bring home are romantic interests, as a way to "get them off my back")

- There were some other things but I'm too tired to explain them and they're not even relevant to asexuality at all so I'll just leave them out. 

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

From one aro ace to another, it's not acceptable for someone you hardly know to be so forward after knowing you are aro ace. I think that he might be 'trying it on' to see if he can groom you into being sexual with him. Maybe his parents are aware he's looking for sex, as the comment with the open door seems to support that. 

 

If you are secure in your ace-ness. I'd tell him firmly but politely that this kind of contact is upsetting to you. If he then persists..take official action and....leg it! There may be some college official you could confide in , just in case things turn nasty. 

 

I'm only saying this because I had a stalker who watched me through binoculars for 5 years, tried taking my car off the road and generally making a prat of himself after I explained I wasn't interested in anyone that way....and I was in my 50's! How much more trouble can this situation develop into....

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Another AroAce here- also sex repulsed, and romance and touch adverse.

The little advice i can give would be to communicate firmly that it makes you very uncomfortable, if that doesn't work, try and steer clear of him...

best of luck :)

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7 hours ago, chandrakirti said:

From one aro ace to another, it's not acceptable for someone you hardly know to be so forward after knowing you are aro ace. I think that he might be 'trying it on' to see if he can groom you into being sexual with him. Maybe his parents are aware he's looking for sex, as the comment with the open door seems to support that. 

 

If you are secure in your ace-ness. I'd tell him firmly but politely that this kind of contact is upsetting to you. If he then persists..take official action and....leg it! There may be some college official you could confide in , just in case things turn nasty. 

 

I'm only saying this because I had a stalker who watched me through binoculars for 5 years, tried taking my car off the road and generally making a prat of himself after I explained I wasn't interested in anyone that way....and I was in my 50's! How much more trouble can this situation develop into....

See, I'm really afraid of that. I'm a hopeful person and want to see the best in people, I dislike assuming there is something sinister about their intentions. But you could be right, so next time I will definitely tell him how uncomfortable it makes me. Unfortunately, the situation is pretty delicate as we both share the same class and he sits right next to me. I'm also afraid I won't have the willpower to tell him to stop. I am always afraid to speak my mind around people whom I'm not close to, and always try to be polite as possible. If things do end up going awry, my campus, fortunately, has people I can go to for this sort of thing. 

 

And holy moly, that's awful! I don' think I'd be able to function normally if something like that was happening to me. 

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Not to be a Grinch, but.... why do you want to continue talking to him?  It doesn't sound like you've known him long; how do you know he " isn't a bad guy"?

 

Reading your story reminds me of some passive-aggressive guys I knew in college.  I used to be so polite and friendly and eager to see the best side of people, trying not to hurt the feelings of people who kept testing my boundaries.  I was in a mostly-male major, which was also difficult, because everyone else was making friends and I didn't want to be left out of that.  By senior year, I was so sick of it all, I just wanted to graduate and get out of there.

 

For example, there was this one "nice" guy who was interested in me for 2 years.  In email, I told him very politely, but clearly, the feelings were not mutual.  He ignored that and made a point of sitting right next to me in class.  Ultimately I got so fed up with it, that I had to be blunt...I stopped talking to him and started sitting across the room next to someone else.  Oh, and I looked him up online, and it turned out this guy was into strip clubs...so, not compatible. :blink: 

 

I lost a lot of acquaintances, but they were never friends anyway - they were never looking for friendship to begin with.  Sadly many (if not most) people don't even believe asexuality is real.  They think if they pull enough moves on you, they'll win you over, and they interpret any friendliness as flirting and encouragement.  I've become pretty cynical, but that's just been my college experience...

 

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    I'm also afraid I won't have the willpower to tell him to stop.

If you decide to keep hanging out with him, the very next time he does it, I would take my hands back and say something like "Hey, um, I'm touch-averse and I don't like hand holding or anything like that.  Nothing against you, it's just my personal preference."  If he acts surprised or asks why, just keep to the same "nothing against you" line and maybe explain how you wanted to mention it before but didn't want him to take it personally.  A good guy will be understanding, cooperative, and maybe even apologetic.  If he just laughs it off or persists, that's a red flag.

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41 minutes ago, Euna said:

Not to be a Grinch, but.... why do you want to continue talking to him?  It doesn't sound like you've known him long; how do you know he " isn't a bad guy"?

 

Reading your story reminds me of some passive-aggressive guys I knew in college.  I used to be so polite and friendly and eager to see the best side of people, trying not to hurt the feelings of people who kept testing my boundaries.  I was in a mostly-male major, which was also difficult, because everyone else was making friends and I didn't want to be left out of that.  By senior year, I was so sick of it all, I just wanted to graduate and get out of there.

 

For example, there was this one "nice" guy who was interested in me for 2 years.  In email, I told him very politely, but clearly, the feelings were not mutual.  He ignored that and made a point of sitting right next to me in class.  Ultimately I got so fed up with it, that I had to be blunt...I stopped talking to him and started sitting across the room next to someone else.  Oh, and I looked him up online, and it turned out this guy was into strip clubs...so, not compatible. :blink: 

 

I lost a lot of acquaintances, but they were never friends anyway - they were never looking for friendship to begin with.  Sadly many (if not most) people don't even believe asexuality is real.  They think if they pull enough moves on you, they'll win you over, and they interpret any friendliness as flirting and encouragement.  I've become pretty cynical, but that's just been my college experience...

3

Well, you aren't wrong. I don't know him well enough to determine that sort of thing, but I guess I want to believe that he is. But I'm still really scared to say what's on my mind because I'm afraid he'll ignore it... I really want to believe he's a good person who I can be around platonically, but I'm not a great judge of character. I've gotten myself stuck in situations like this before because of it. I'm not even really sure if I want to continue to talk to him, but I feel like I have to suck it up because I wormed myself into this situation. Anyways, thanks for responding, I feel pretty alone right now since I'm too embarrassed about the situation I've gotten myself into to talk to my friends about it. 

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13 hours ago, Aromanatee said:

I guess I want to believe that he is.

The point in any serious relationship is that you see your partner as they are, not as you'd like them to be. And that you show yourself as you are, not as you think they'd like you to be. Well, your connection with him is not a serious relationship. All the more reason not to play an act.

 

13 hours ago, Aromanatee said:

I'm still really scared to say what's on my mind because I'm afraid he'll ignore it...

Then say what's on your mind. And if he ignores it, that's your cue to leave.

 

13 hours ago, Aromanatee said:

I'm not even really sure if I want to continue to talk to him

Then what do you have to lose?

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18 minutes ago, roland.o said:

The point in any serious relationship is that you see your partner as they are, not as you'd like them to be. And that you show yourself as you are, not as you think they'd like you to be. Well, your connection with him is not a serious relationship. All the more reason not to play an act.

 

Then say what's on your mind. And if he ignores it, that's your cue to leave.

 

Then what do you have to lose?

 I guess I'm just kind of caught up in the fear of speaking up. Although, that's a fault of my own and something I should really work on. I will to talk to him about it on Monday, though. 

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@Aromanatee As an aromantic asexual, there's just no reason to ever spend any time alone with males. I would stop agreeing to go over to his house or anywhere where there aren't a lot of other people around. If you're afraid that you won't do anything once things get out of control then you have to try to prevent getting to that point where things could get out of control.

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No, but I fail to see how you saying you have no inclination to spend any time with men helps that.

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You just need to clearly state you don't much like touching. It sounds like he's just a very affectionate person, so he connects via touch. And he probably doesn't understand you don't like it, since to him, it's such an easy way of communicating. If you can't say it, you could write a letter and give it to him after class and explain how you feel. He needs to know your boundaries. 

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5 minutes ago, Wish Bear 🌠 said:

@Aromanatee As an aromantic asexual, there's just no reason to ever spend any time alone with males. I would stop agreeing to go over to his house or anywhere where there aren't a lot of other people around. If you're afraid that you won't do anything once things get out of control then you have to try to prevent getting to that point where things could get out of control.

The thing is I just don't feel comfortable spending time with him. I'm all for having platonic male friends; I actually have a really good one already that I spend a lot of time with.  Now I trust my male friend (who I have known for almost two years now) 100%, Hands on the other... I only trust him enough to not murder me in a dark alley. 

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@Aromanatee It's because this particular guy is a creep. You were lucky to make a male friend that is respectful and/or not interested, but most guys aren't interested in just being friends with women. That's why you have to be really cautious with them. I think it's better not to spend time alone with them (excluding your friend of two years) because you are chancing something really awful happening to you if you make the mistake of trusting the wrong guy. If it occurred to you to ask yourself if you could trust this guy not to murder you, then what that is saying is that you know he isn't very safe.

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8 minutes ago, Wish Bear 🌠 said:

He sounds rapey, not just affectionate. He can tell she is uncomfortable and he doesn't give a shit.

Nowhere in the OPs post does it state he knows she's uncomfortable. If she's laughing it off and acting like everything is OK, he might not. A lot of people can be bad at reading peoples non-verbal cues. This is why it's very important to be able to state your boundaries.

 

It does kind of sound like he has a crush. So, I'd probably make the boundary of "I just want us to be friends, nothing else" clear as well when stating the others. Then, if he can't respect those boundaries, stop hanging out with him. 

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4 minutes ago, Wish Bear 🌠 said:

@Aromanatee It's because this particular guy is a creep. You were lucky to make a male friend that is respectful and/or not interested, but most guys aren't interested in just being friends with women. That's why you have to be really cautious with them. I think it's better not to spend time alone with them (excluding your friend of two years) because you are chancing something really awful happening to you if you make the mistake of trusting the wrong guy. If it occurred to you to ask yourself if you could trust this guy not to murder you, then what that is saying is that you know he isn't very safe.

1

Well, when guys become interested in me I normally do avoid them, but I'm struggling here because I have no idea what his intentions are.  I can't seem to tell what part of him is genuine and what part isn't. I guess my reason for hanging out with him the other day was trying to determine that, but it just made me even more confused.

 

3 minutes ago, Serran said:

Nowhere in the OPs post does it state he knows she's uncomfortable. If she's laughing it off and acting like everything is OK, he might not. A lot of people can be bad at reading peoples non-verbal cues. This is why it's very important to be able to state your boundaries.

 

It does kind of sound like he has a crush. So, I'd probably make the boundary of "I just want us to be friends, nothing else" clear as well when stating the others. Then, if he can't respect those boundaries, stop hanging out with him. 

You are right, he had no idea how uncomfortable I was. I seriously doubt he could have read any non-verbal cues I gave him. I didn't really expect him to though since I can't really read them myself either.

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1 minute ago, Aromanatee said:

Well, when guys become interested in me I normally do avoid them, but I'm struggling here because I have no idea what his intentions are.  I can't seem to tell what part of him is genuine and what part isn't. I guess my reason for hanging out with him the other day was trying to determine that, but it just made me even more confused.

Him joking about asking you out on a date and asking if you can know you're aro without dating leads me to believe he is interested in you. When people become interested, they do tend to get physically affectionate, even more so than normal. And the grabbing your hands, etc, is a common "come on" move. 

 

 

1 minute ago, Aromanatee said:

You are right, he had no idea how uncomfortable I was. I seriously doubt he could have read any non-verbal cues I gave him. I didn't really expect him to though since I can't really read them myself either.

It can be hard to. But, it's very vital your boundaries are respected. The best way to know what sort of guy he is, is to let him know what those are, one way or the other. It's OK to use letters/text/email if you can't say it. But, don't let him just stomp on your comfort zone because you're too scared to speak up. Your body, it should only be touched if you want it to, no matter where it is. :cake:

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This guy obviously has a crush on you. He's somehow oblivious to basic physical boundaries; because he's managed to get this far in breaking yours, you need to have a discussion with him. If you do nothing, he's unfortunately going to assume you're getting more comfortable with his advances or that he can change how you feel. You don't need to wait until he states his intentions.

 

You told us your boundaries clearly in your first post, so tell him the exact same things:

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I'm not comfortable with [you] grabbing my hands and playing with them, randomly hugging me (I'm okay with hello, goodbye hugs), grabbing at my foot (even as a joke; people getting near my legs has always made me insanely uncomfortable). I want to continue to talk to [you], but I'm struggling with how touchy-feely [you] can be.

It doesn't have to be said word-for-word, but tell him all those things, one way or another. And make sure you clarify not just that you're aromantic with people in general, but that you see him in particular as a friend, not as a romantic partner, and that he shouldn't expect this to change in the future.

 

If you avoid the discussion or if you avoid him altogether, he'll miss the opportunity to learn and grow and he'll make all sorts of wrong assumptions about why you became distant or left.

 

After you've had this hard discussion, if you feel it's appropriate and if you sincerely want to be friends with him, you could then suggest an activity you might both enjoy (like going for a walk or playing CoD together or something) so he understands you're still his friend.

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Today he invited me out to the college for a bit of a study session and this made me really excited because I'd never had a study session with a classmate before. Well I arrive and things are pretty normal for a bit, we chat, go inside and start studying for our physics course. But after a while he gets chatty and kind of distracted, and eventually during our talk, grabs my hands again. I think it's because I commented how weird I was this time. Anyway, I try to brush it off as nothing but am struggling to keep my discomfort from showing.  He eventually says he can't focus on the work because he's missing some materials and needs to grab them. He tells me we can head to his house for the materials and then to the public library to continue our study session. And so we do just that. But as our study session starts to progress once again, he gets distracted and talkative again. He grabs my hands multiple times this time around. But this time he starts playing with my fingers and says he's comparing the size of our hands. He says he's having an off day and which usually doesn't happen often, and I reassured him that it's okay and that we all have off days. I suggested a drink break and off we went. And for a while things seemed to calm down for a bit, we got our drinks, chatted, and walked on the pier that's nearby our local library. I was feeling a lot more relaxed and kind of let my guard down. We headed back to the library to decide what to do next (he still wasn't able to study) and suggested we head to his house for dinner so off we went again.

Here is my interpretation. The dude is crushing on you hard. He asked you out on a little study date for a chance to get to know you better outside of the classroom in hopes that you might start to like him back. Since he knows you identify as an aromantic asexual, he is going very slow and showing his affection in small ways(grabbing hands) to gauge your reaction. If you started to respond positively to his touching, he probably would have went further. In high school and college, study dates are usually an excuse at a chance to get intimate with a potential crush so the focus is on the crush, not on studying. Notice his focus was on you and not on the work. It was never about studying. He was probably very turned on the entire time he was with you which make studying very difficult.

 

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We arrived at his house and I met his family and things were still pretty normal, with the exception of his mom very obviously whispering to keep the door open... (Although at this point he was aware I was aromantic and asexual which he promptly whispered back to his mom) After that we hung out and played video games till dinner arrived. Fortunately, there was very little hand touching during this because we ended up playing Call of Duty. After dinner, we head back up to his room, but this time we just talk. No games, TV, etcetera. During this period of time, he grabs and plays with my hands multiple times only stating that he just likes playing with my hands he also hugs me quite a bit too and even makes an attempt at jokingly grabbing my foot at the end of the night. At this point, I'm quite uncomfortable but am too awkward to say anything about it. Fortunately, after the conversation had puttered out he agreed to take me home. And that was that.

This was another test to gauge your reaction. He wanted to see if you would reciprocate his touching and lead to a potentially intimate moment( kissing, petting, or more). You didn't so it stayed at light touching( holding hands, grabbing feet), but he definitely wanted to do more.

 

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I will note that during our multiple conversations he mentioned he was very affectionate platonically and would often play with peoples hands or kiss them on the cheeks. So the majority of my discomfort lies on me rather than him.

That could be true, but I doubt it. I think it is simply his way of getting away with touching his new crush without looking creepy. 

 

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Honourable Mentions:

- Calling my feet cute

Sounds like he has a feet fetish, which explains why he randomly grabbed at your feet.

 

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- "For someone who doesn't trust men you sure trust me enough to let me drive you somewhere." (I trust you enough not to murder in a dark alley, but not enough that I feel 100% comfortable around you)

Can you explain more how the conversation went after he said this?

 

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-  "How would you feel if I asked you on a date right now, like as a joke?"

Never ignore these moments. This right here is him telling you he is interested in a relationship with you. Since you told him about being an aromatic asexual, he isn't sure how to progress to dating you so he is doing small, little things (holding hands) to see if you might be psychical back to him and the relationship naturally progress from there.

 

Here is my advice. I would shut this down, especially if you have no intentions of dating him. Its fine being friends with a guy if the guy is not actively trying to get with you. For a lot of guys, the main reason they pursue friendly interactions with a girl is for a chance at dating/bedding them, and even if you tell them your aren't interested, they will still pursue a friendship in the hopes of possibly bedding you in the future. Now that might seem like a desperate thing to do, but plenty of friends cross those boundaries so it isn't so out of place to expect that just because your friends now, doesn't mean you wont have a chance to "hit" it if the atmosphere is right. Many guys wouldn't bother to continue a friendship if they knew that they would never get that chance. Informing him of this truth might lead to him dropping you altogether. Those guys who will continue on being your friend with that off the table are those you can trust. Since you are very shy with confrontations like this, I would drop a good long email, letter, or text explaining how you do not see him that way, and never will. 

 

Also, I would avoid going alone to isolated locations with guys you aren't familiar with. Not because I think they are dangerous, just that many take that as a "date" and might make moves on you. Seeing how you think you wont deny a person who makes those moves, I wouldn't be in those situations unless you are more confident that you can tell them what is and what isn't acceptable interaction for you. 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Kai99 said:

Can you explain more how the conversation went after he said this?

 

I was too uncomfortable to say what I really felt, so I kind of haphazardly said something about how it depends on the guy and the situation.  I really wish I could have said "I don't." but it was so out of left field that I was caught off guard. So I probably just made him assume that I trust him, even though I don't. And honestly, the more I read all your guys replies the less and less I trust him.

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55 minutes ago, Aromanatee said:

I was too uncomfortable to say what I really felt, so I kind of haphazardly said something about how it depends on the guy and the situation.  I really wish I could have said "I don't." but it was so out of left field that I was caught off guard. So I probably just made him assume that I trust him, even though I don't. And honestly, the more I read all your guys replies the less and less I trust him.

Not trust him in what way?

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