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How do you manage your sexual feelings?


ConnieT

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Hello. Before I start in on the main problem/question, I'll say that I'm in therapy already and trying to work on this and I talk with my girlfriend about this as much as I can. 

 

My girlfriend is asexual, completely sex repulsed/afraid of sex. So sex is completely off the table for us. We talked about this early on. I knew it would be hard for me, but it's a lot harder than I imagined. Because of issues from my past, if my feelings aren't returned I repress my feelings in response. I don't know how to deal with them in a health way. I am sexually attracted to her, but there's nothing I can do. So it's easier to just forget it. That's bad obviously. It's causing me to feel blocked off from my feelings for her in general, I stop feeling anything at all. And if anything does come up, example I had a sexual dream about her, it makes me painfully depressed and upset. There's a lot of extenuating circumstances but Ive also become addicted to pornography I think in part to try and deal with my sexuality in other ways. I'm stopping that, but that means I've lost my (unhealthy) coping mechanism. (fwiw I don't think porn is bad but I couldn't control my behavior, so it was bad for me.) 

 

Rationally I know having sexual feelings and thoughts about her doesn't hurt her. I don't know if I'm also scared about the sexual frustration that might come from it. Having sexual feelings about her feels like I'm violating her. I have past issues of sex shaming myself, so it all mixes together in a bad way. 

 

How do YOU manage your sexual feelings for your asexual partner? Do you let yourself have those thoughts, feelings, and fantasies? Is there a healthier way I can balance this? I know there's no magic cure and the problem is with me, not with her. But I'm hoping there will be someone who can relate or help. 

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Hi ConnieT,

 

I’m not sure how long you’ve been together, but in my experience (almost 16 years), those feelings fade and eventually stop.  I was in a celibate situation and was rejected time and again leading up to full celibacy.  While in the period you describe, it was terrible.  The hardest is not seeing it as a problem with YOU.  It’s not anyone’s fault really, and you went in eyes wide open.

 

I wish I could give you more advice, but like with most anything, the pain should lessen in time as you move towards acceptance - or not. 

 

The need to deal with your sexual nature however, may only grow with time until you feel you might explode.  It certainly did for me.  I became a master at self stimulation and watched quite a lot of porn until I learned how to hit a better orgasm without it - patience and practice. In any case,  dealing with your sexual nature alone may end up being infinitely harder than the feelings you have currently.

 

This doesn’t help you cope, but there’s no real answer to this.  I know, I’ve been there.

 

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On 19/1/2018 at 11:15 PM, ConnieT said:

Hello. Before I start in on the main problem/question, I'll say that I'm in therapy already and trying to work on this and I talk with my girlfriend about this as much as I can. 

 

My girlfriend is asexual, completely sex repulsed/afraid of sex. So sex is completely off the table for us. We talked about this early on. I knew it would be hard for me, but it's a lot harder than I imagined. Because of issues from my past, if my feelings aren't returned I repress my feelings in response. I don't know how to deal with them in a health way. I am sexually attracted to her, but there's nothing I can do. So it's easier to just forget it. That's bad obviously. It's causing me to feel blocked off from my feelings for her in general, I stop feeling anything at all. And if anything does come up, example I had a sexual dream about her, it makes me painfully depressed and upset. There's a lot of extenuating circumstances but Ive also become addicted to pornography I think in part to try and deal with my sexuality in other ways. I'm stopping that, but that means I've lost my (unhealthy) coping mechanism. (fwiw I don't think porn is bad but I couldn't control my behavior, so it was bad for me.) 

 

Rationally I know having sexual feelings and thoughts about her doesn't hurt her. I don't know if I'm also scared about the sexual frustration that might come from it. Having sexual feelings about her feels like I'm violating her. I have past issues of sex shaming myself, so it all mixes together in a bad way. 

 

How do YOU manage your sexual feelings for your asexual partner? Do you let yourself have those thoughts, feelings, and fantasies? Is there a healthier way I can balance this? I know there's no magic cure and the problem is with me, not with her. But I'm hoping there will be someone who can relate or help. 

Hi @ConnieT

I am not in a simular situation, but am sexual with an uninterested asexual, who has become quite aromantic. Sometimes it can be about removing the sexual undertone from the showing of affection/appreciation. 

I think, that to most sexuals, it is not a good idea to supress your sexual desire and I agree that porn can turn into an unhealthy, not-helping habit. It doesnt make your dreams come true. 

If I were you, I would talk about ways/options to have your sexuality met. And still without having/doing sexual things with her. I would look into opening your relationship. I would also talk about how to show ‘love’ without one part feeling rejected

 or violated.

 

sometimes I feel like a weak person with little selfesteem. But actually most people just nourish from having love in their lives and it can just be hard/difficult to receive this when the ‘language’ is so different.

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@MrDane thanks for your reply. 

 

I've been working on my own to stop repressing my sexual feelings and so far that's going good. Hopefully that will continue. But I know I will come to a point of sexual frustration. I hope I can talk to her about our options. She's mentioned before how she doesn't think it's fair that the asexual partner should have to compromise and have sex. And I don't disagree with her. If she isn't going to be enjoying herself and instead feel uncomfortable the whole time I wouldn't want that either. 

 

I wish opening the relationship were a viable solution but I know she wouldn't want that and I'm not sure I would either. 

 

Every time I come to this site I end up very depressed which is unfortunate. Everyone makes it sounds so hopeless. I'm just going to hope for the best. 

 

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Cat Lady Lisa

Would your girlfriend be ok with taking 'sexy' pictures or videos for you to look at instead of porn, i.e. wearing nice lingerie, giving flirty looks - they can be as tame or raunchy as she feels comfortable with. Could she kiss and cuddle you while you pleasure yourself, or maybe use a toy with you? I'm very sex repulsed but I can manage those things, and it works well for my (sexual) husband and I. Emphasize that she doesn't have to be touched, or even be naked, to help you get a little intimacy. 

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Cat Lady Lisa

You are doing well in not trying to repress your sexual feelings. From the asexual perspective, it can feel weird and sometimes uncomfortable knowing that my partner desires me in that way, but as long as you're not constantly going on about it, it's not a problem. Another thing that works well for us is getting into the habit of giving compliments and reaffirming how much we mean to each other, so we both know that we're beautiful and wanted. Also, giving each other massages and taking a bath or shower together helps to feel close and be comfortable being naked together. Good luck to both of you! 

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10 hours ago, Cat Lady Lisa said:

Would your girlfriend be ok with taking 'sexy' pictures or videos for you to look at instead of porn, i.e. wearing nice lingerie, giving flirty looks - they can be as tame or raunchy as she feels comfortable with. Could she kiss and cuddle you while you pleasure yourself, or maybe use a toy with you? I'm very sex repulsed but I can manage those things, and it works well for my (sexual) husband and I. Emphasize that she doesn't have to be touched, or even be naked, to help you get a little intimacy. 

This could in fact be a next stop for me, I think. As masturbation doesnt always help, and sex can be too much, then this could be a possibility before totally ending the sexual relation.

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Cat Lady Lisa

@MrDane try it! Does your wife find that her repulsion is sometimes worse than others? At times I don't even like being naked together then at other times I am ok with lots of 'bedroom stuff'. Little things like taking the photos helps get us through the patches where I can't stand anything. As ever, it takes lots of communication : "I'm not comfortable touching you like that at the moment, but I will send you some sexy pictures and tell you when I feel happy doing more again". Don't give up, there are creative ways around it if both partners are willing. 

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6 minutes ago, Cat Lady Lisa said:

@MrDane try it! Does your wife find that her repulsion is sometimes worse than others? At times I don't even like being naked together then at other times I am ok with lots of 'bedroom stuff'. Little things like taking the photos helps get us through the patches where I can't stand anything. As ever, it takes lots of communication : "I'm not comfortable touching you like that at the moment, but I will send you some sexy pictures and tell you when I feel happy doing more again". Don't give up, there are creative ways around it if both partners are willing. 

At the moment, I think ‘repulsion’ is too strong a word. ‘Discomfort’ would fit better, but I fear it could turn into repulsion if she stretches too far. And she does not let me that much in on how she feels. 

 

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On 1/21/2018 at 6:18 PM, Telecaster68 said:

What are you hoping for that reading AVEN undermines?

I'm hoping to have a healthy and happy relationship. AVEN doesn't undermine that it just makes me depressed and feel like either I'm doomed to feel depressed and frustrated or else my partner is pushed past her comfort zones. Like there's no chance of it working. I know that's not true, but I always come away from here in a worse mood. 

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@Cat Lady Lisa all your suggestions are good ones I hope we can some time try. We haven't been together long (4 months) so I don't know when it's a good time to ask any of these things. I want to work up to it rather than drop something on her suddenly.

 

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  • 1 month later...

As a sexual in a relationship with an asexual I can only tell you it's hard.  Tomorrow is our 8th anniversary and she hasn't come near me in 4 years.  Looking back I can clearly see that the handful of time we actually were intimate in the first half of our relationship she was clearly just doing it for me.  It's not hard to tell if a woman is enjoying sex and she never did.  I thought for a while I was doing something wrong but no matter what I tried she was clearly not into it.  I love her so much but have recently realized that I'm just totally miserable.  I have to stop myself from saying things and doing things that for me are just natural.  I have forced myself to stop looking at her that way which is making this even harder now.  Truthfully I think this has become a situation where love just isn't enough.  I'm seriously considering leaving her.  I don't want a roommate - and no matter how much love there is that's all I am to her

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I deal very badly with sexual frustration. I am in that kind of a phase right now. He doesn't mind masturbating me if I want it, but I find that I don't really want it and I am also frustrated. I'm not the needy sort who needs her partner to do "maintenance" of her needs. I wanted a mutual experience which is not on the cards. I am really not good with dealing with frustration on any front. 

 

I have found that keeping myself occupied works. if my mind is fixated on sex, keeping my mind occupied hunting for ideas to make sex happen works. :P I hate the feeling of being at the mercy of someone's oblivion, so I do things that make me feel more in charge of my experience. I masturbate when I wish, watch porn if I wish to, ask for affection and cuddles when I want and am learning to ask to be masturbated when I want. He doesn't mind it, but it simply isn't how I am wired, so it is a bit of a learning curve for both of us.

 

It was easier before he identified as ace, because he used to see sex as something important in a relationship even if he never "got" it. He operates a lot on mental images. So if sex "happens" in a relationship, then his mind tends to see it like that and it happens. Since finding out he was ace, that has switched to "sex is not my thing" and poof. The sex has vanished. Same two people, same everything, he never was forced, ever, he never forced himself either. But because his a-sexuality is essentially about what goes on in his head, a mental tape of sex not being his thing spells doom.

 

He is now consciously trying to offer to masturbate me more often, but frankly, he is no good at it. Two days he remembered and it was like whether I wanted to be masturbated for breakfast, lunch and dinner and bedtime too. Then he.... forgot. lol. Then he suddenly remembered - at a time when I had just felt comfortable thinking of him as my gay friend or something - not on the sexual menu. So... I didn't want. Then he forgot. And so on. Point is, no matter how much he tries, it is still going to feel a little.... off. But it is ok. I adore him for trying at one moment and I am irritated with him for forgetting another moment.

 

So, I am frustrated, and I don't deal with it at all well. I find things I can do about it, I talk to him, I learn to ask for what I need, I've considered downgrading our relationship to more like roomies, so mentally I don't see him as a sexual partner. I've even considered asking him to live in his own room instead of mine, so he isn't around all the time for me to be attracted. Some days one idea appeals, another day I feel like all is fine. It varies.

 

I've learned that it is ok. it is ok if things suck sometimes too. I don't have to like everything, as long as I like more things than I dislike. It is a sort of pseudo philosophical take, but whatever works to get me through a bad moment is gold.

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I do not deal with it well.   I think sexually mixed relationships are generally a very bad idea.   There is  a ever-present cloud over what would otherwise be a wonderful marriage.   

 

 

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