Seeking advice on friendship

[Adachiku]

I‘m not sure how to proceed, maybe someone here has some advice.

 

About one and a half years ago, I met a guy on Twitter b/c we had the same hobbies. We also started skyping and in the beginning I really enjoyed our conversations, even though they could get very long (3 hrs +)

 

However, recently I feel like I‘m avoiding him, putting off answering his messages and trying to find reasons to postpone our skype conversations. The one reason is that they are really long and frankly, it‘s tough to look into your laptop camera for three hours. The other reason is that I often feel that he‘s doing most of the talking and about topics that don‘t interest me that much (eg, movies I haven‘t seen and have no interest in ever watching).

 

Add to that that I‘m not sure what he sees in me. About a week ago, he was in town for some kind of event and we met briefly for lunch (and I was actually glad it was only lunch). While we were walking to the restaurant, he made a joke and when I didn‘t get it, he suddenly (but only briefly) put his arm around my shoulder, which I didn‘t want, but felt too surprised (and stupid) to protest. I guess it‘s a sign of friendship for him? Or is he awkwardly trying to flirt with me? I never get when people are flirting with me, so I‘m confused (he‘s never mentioned any kind of relationship, so I‘m assuming he‘s single).

 

So, I guess my question is: how should I handle this relationship? I don‘t want to ghost him. I don‘t want to tell him about my asexuality - he doesn‘t know my birthday, I don‘t want to share something even more intimate with him. And I don‘t think that him asking to skype with me once a month is „too much to ask“, but ... I don‘t want to, either?

 

Any advice/thoughts are greatly appreciated.

[N90]

Sounds like he is interested in a romantic relationship. Putting his arm around your shoulder suggests so. He obviously sees you as someone he can talk to and enjoy doing so. Talking to you for isn't forced and comes natural to him, even if he is doing all the talking and it's about things you may not be particularly interested in.

 

You could try ask if he's single and if he's interested in a relationship and that you were unsure if he was or not. Depending on his reply, and remember to try to be positive because, he's someone you likes you and you've gotten on well with him (maybe not so much recently), and just tell him that you're sorry if he got the wrong impression but you aren't looking for a relationship and are only looking for friendship. He may get upset but if you're relatively honest with him and continue being friends with him, I think you'll be fine and he'll get over whatever attraction he may have for you. You don't have to tell him you're asexual and I think it'll be considered honest if you say that you aren't in a relationship and just in a friendship.

 

It's good that you want to try and maintain a good friendship with him instead of just ghosting him. As for skyping once a month, I don't it's too much to ask that you set some time aside to keep in contact with your friend and to talk too him and to have a catch up and the like.

 

Hope that helps. I believe men and women can be just friends but I want to be able to talk to my friends and socialise with them, regardless of their gender, but too make it work you have to be able to be relatively honest and direct with them. I think the genuine friends will appreciate it and remain a part of your life,.

[roland.o]

On 1/18/2018 at 11:05 PM, Adachiku said:

he made a joke and when I didn‘t get it, he suddenly (but only briefly) put his arm around my shoulder

That was a gesture of affection and/or comfort. Could be romantic, could be platonic.

 

On 1/18/2018 at 11:05 PM, Adachiku said:

The one reason is that they are really long

Tell him that you'd like your conversations to be shorter. Get it off the table, instead of sucking it in and avoiding him.

[Adachiku]

Thank you both for your replies.

 

It’s weird that I have such a problem being blunt with him - others friends often complain that I’m too blunt ^^; Maybe I see him as this insecure kitten that needs some help navigating the world - which is unfair, as he’s as we’re both grown people.

 

So I guess I’ll start with asking for shorter Skype sessions. Not sure I wanna ask him how he feels about me ...

[GLRDT]

Those are good solutions that have been mentioned or if you don't want any sort of interaction, that's ok too. It's hard but you can be completely honest and say something along the lines of I've really enjoyed chatting with you and I'm glad we've been talking but lately I feel overwhelmed and like maybe our personalities don't match as well as I once thought. You didn't do anything wrong and are a good person, but I don't really want to talk as much anymore or anymore. That is one tough thing to say but if that's how you feel it's better to get it out than harbor irritated feelings or do something you don't want to do or ghost him. He deserves to know how you feel. Even if it's difficult. Who knows maybe he thinks the conversations last too long too and doesn't know what else to talk about so he just starts talking about anything and everything. Good luck!

[Adachiku]

So, tiny update. We skyped again today (despite me being super unmotivated and also pretty tired). Without me asking, he admitted that he had been (?) interested in me (as in: potential gf), but that he gets that I‘m not interested and that he‘s fine with us just being friends.

Okay, so ... Erh ... Yay to me actually noticing that someone was flirting with me? But ... I don‘t know. I‘m not sure I actually believe that he‘s no longer interested in me. I mean, my own former squishes/crushes/whatever didn‘t go away that easily, so - is he saying that it wasn‘t even a crush? Does it work that way for allosexuals? (or anyone)

[Telecaster68]

He's saying he might have some feelings for you, but they're tentative and he probably knows they'll pass, and in the meantime he'll respect you and not make any more moves. 

[Depressed1980]

1 hour ago, Adachiku said:

So, tiny update. We skyped again today (despite me being super unmotivated and also pretty tired). Without me asking, he admitted that he had been (?) interested in me (as in: potential gf), but that he gets that I‘m not interested and that he‘s fine with us just being friends.

Okay, so ... Erh ... Yay to me actually noticing that someone was flirting with me? But ... I don‘t know. I‘m not sure I actually believe that he‘s no longer interested in me. I mean, my own former squishes/crushes/whatever didn‘t go away that easily, so - is he saying that it wasn‘t even a crush? Does it work that way for allosexuals? (or anyone)

He’s not an idiot. He gets you don’t want what he wants. You almost seem like you want to lead him on with the “former ... crushes...didn’t go away that easily, so - is he saying that it wasn’t even a crush?“. You know he had a crush, but he’s not dumb so he backed off. I don’t think any sexual orientation wants to be played, which is what it sounds like. Yay for you picking up on flirting? Even asexuals can pick up on signals, they’re not ignorant. It sounds like you’re just playing games with emotions (which many sexual people do as well). 

[Koto]

On 1/18/2018 at 4:05 PM, Adachiku said:

I‘m not sure how to proceed, maybe someone here has some advice.

...

Any advice/thoughts are greatly appreciated.

Hey!  I can totally relate to this and just went through this with a friend.  He and I met at an social event at a bar for an adult youth group and we seemed to like the same stuff.  He and I spent a lot of time together last summer and he started to consider me as his best female friend. 

"About one and a half years ago, I met a guy on Twitter b/c we had the same hobbies. We also started skyping and in the beginning I really enjoyed our conversations, even though they could get very long (3 hrs +)"
I moved cities for a job temporarily and when we chatted on the phone and video chatted on FB the conversations would be 3+ hours almost everyday.  I noticed he talked a lot and I didn't mind at first and just listened to him.  After a couple months I started to tire. When I talked I felt he didn't listen well and was distracted, so I'd try to talk less to him.   I got tired of him constantly talking and the conversation just being one-sided. 

"However, recently I feel like I‘m avoiding him, putting off answering his messages and trying to find reasons to postpone our skype conversations. The one reason is that they are really long and frankly, it‘s tough to look into your laptop camera for three hours. The other reason is that I often feel that he‘s doing most of the talking and about topics that don‘t interest me that much (eg, movies I haven‘t seen and have no interest in ever watching)."

This is exactly how I felt.  I started to avoid him because I knew when I picked up the phone it was going to be a long conversation of mostly him talking about things that didn't really relate to me and things I didn't care for (such as movies as you say and very detailed outlines of plots of comics I'd never read).  I felt he didn't understand me. So when he asked to talk I said no since it was late or I was busy (which wasn't untrue).  I didn't completely ghost him, since I thought that'd be a bit extreme so I cut it off slowly by sending shorter messages, keeping our texts short without being mean, and saying nah to talking on the phone when he asked for whatever reason. This brings me to what you are asking...

"So, I guess my question is: how should I handle this relationship? I don‘t want to ghost him. I don‘t want to tell him about my asexuality - he doesn‘t know my birthday, I don‘t want to share something even more intimate with him. And I don‘t think that him asking to skype with me once a month is „too much to ask“, but ... I don‘t want to, either?"

I asked the same advice from a close friend with the same situation when I felt lost at what to do and what they told me was very insightful.  She said:  Don't ever feel like you have to force a friendship if it is not working for you.  Just because he is very open with you and considers you a close friend does not mean you are obliged to tell him personal details about you.  Friends are meant to be there to energize you, not drain you.  If you feel drained after a hangout/interaction with someone, it seems like you do not really want to be that person's friend.

 

And you know what? That's completely okay!! You are justified to feel this way. It took me a while to realize that and I do not need to be the same with everyone who considers me a close friend.  If I don't want to share things about me I wont.  If I don't want to hang out with someone I wont.  If I feel more distant towards someone because the friendship isn't working then it just didn't work out. And that's okay.
 

"Add to that that I‘m not sure what he sees in me. About a week ago, he was in town for some kind of event and we met briefly for lunch (and I was actually glad it was only lunch). While we were walking to the restaurant, he made a joke and when I didn‘t get it, he suddenly (but only briefly) put his arm around my shoulder, which I didn‘t want, but felt too surprised (and stupid) to protest. I guess it‘s a sign of friendship for him? Or is he awkwardly trying to flirt with me? I never get when people are flirting with me, so I‘m confused (he‘s never mentioned any kind of relationship, so I‘m assuming he‘s single)."

Do you want to know something?  You are someone with good qualities and that guy sees it in you.  He might be flirting or might not, but it still stands that he likes you for some reason.  Does that mean you have to like him? NO.  I've had people want to be my friends and I know I don't want to hang out with them because I know that person will not bring out the best in me and I believe friends exist to help you do that.  Friendships don't need to be sacrifices. The cool thing about friendships is that you have a choice whether or not you want to spend time with someone.  You can't give your time to everyone (and I don't recommend it) and you are in control of who you want to hang out with.  It's okay to have a large acquaintance network but with friends I'd rather have a few close friends who get me.  Not one-sided friendships.  You tried to be his friend and open up but it doesn't seem like it worked out and you don't want to pursue anything deep with him.  Don't feel bad about it, it just happens.  Just like we can grow apart from childhood friends it's a natural course of life.

The same situation was bothering me for a while and I was deciding how to grow more distant with my guy friend so I did some research lol.  Here are some articles I read while I was trying to figure it out:
https://www.buzzfeed.com/annaborges/why-dont-they-write-songs-about-this?utm_term=.xdPWKQ1a4#.lvoR7wZ2e

https://www.wikihow.com/End-a-Friendship
 

Not all of the ones on the wikihow will apply to your situation but some of them really gave me an idea on how to approach the situation. ^___^

After texting less frequently and not engaging as much in a text conversation as before, I was able to put some space between my friend and I.  I feel much better because I did not want to keep forcing something that wasn't working for me.  I didn't ghost him so we're on good terms and we still talk from time to time. But no more 3+ hour conversation lol.  I hope this helps some and feel free to reach out for anything.  I JUST went through this!! xD

 

[Adachiku]

Thank you, @Koto that was really helpful. You’re right, I don’t owe him a friendship I don’t feel good about. Guess I was just raised to be a “nice girl” - be nice to people if they haven’t harmed you. But it seems to me that especially men quickly jump to false conclusions and think that just because I smile it already means I’m interested in them beyond our current conversation ...

 

@Depressed1980 Ummm ... I don’t want to lead him on. I never, ever indicated that I was interested in him (apart from friendship). What baffles me is the following: he says “I was interested in you” which translates to me as “I had a squish/crush on you”. I had a few squishes/crushes in my life and the one or two times when I actually told those people and they said no, I was crushed. Now, he didn’t seem crushed at all when I said no yesterday, and that confuses me. I’m not saying he’s dumb, I’m just saying that his reaction is different from what would have been mine.

And as for the flirting part - I’m not ignorant, but it has happened to me countless times that people were flirting with me and I didn’t notice at all (but was told later that it had been “obvious”). So that I picked it up his time was actually a rare thing.

 

@Telecaster68 Ah, okay, that makes sense.