Older, Single and dealing with loneliness?

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

A lady I once had the pleasure of sitting next to on a train told me she was a retired divorcee with no children and she did just what you suggest @Aistar - walked the dogs at the local rescue centre. Then , after a few months, a part time job came up. She's been there for years and happily as a part time employee.

[Glass]

I used to feel lonely, until I finallyrealized that A) I actually get annoyed when people are around too long, especially in "my space" and B) hey, I actually come home to a person I love, and who loves me back: myself. I have a variety of other friends I see occasionally, when I do need to talk to another people (including some I can call/text if I need to), and other than that I really cherish the time I spend alone.

 

I've also found that having a hobby/art/skill helps: when you're home, you can work on your art, and then you get to share your art with people, which gives you another circle of people/friends to interact with, as much or little as you want or need.

[Crazy Cat Lady]

I'm very introverted and a home-body. I love "empty" weekends, for the most part. I do spend time online (facebook) and feel like that's a decent amount of "socializing" for me. I read a lot, so my empty weekends give me time to play around online and to read. (Not all my weekends are empty, however; I often do make plans, as well.)

 

I also have 3 cats, so that helps. A few others have mentioned volunteering. I do that once/week, as well (with cats, but I do chat quite a bit with the other volunteers while there, as well). I also volunteer on a facebook page from home on weekends, as well, so that's not the same, for sure.

 

There are times when I feel a bit lonely, though. There isn't really anything I do specifically at those times, though.

[keep calm and carry on]

OP - I can totally relate. When everyone used to get excited on Friday at 4pm, I used to think about my empty weekend calendar. I loved Monday mornings, maybe because I like to work / stay occupied.

 

And that's what I have been doing for the past several years - Reading a lot, joining social groups around my interests, volunteering and hobbies. Makes time fly with the added benefit of  good ol 'focus on making yourself a better person' thingy....

[AndrewT]

On ‎03‎/‎04‎/‎2018 at 4:28 AM, keep calm and carry on said:

OP - I can totally relate. When everyone used to get excited on Friday at 4pm, I used to think about my empty weekend calendar. I loved Monday mornings, maybe because I like to work / stay occupied.

 

 

Can't say I ever enjoyed a Monday morning

 

An Ace meet I went to was good, it was nice to speak with people in RL that understood.

 

Outside that being lonely is still an ongoing issue.

 

It may be a getting old issue but with lots of friends I feel count me as a part time friend, as the only time I ever hear from them is when they want me to do something (normally computer work or free photos). Can't remember the last time someone messaged/phoned me with a how are you etc....

[sparklingstars]

On 4/6/2018 at 5:43 PM, Andrew001 said:

Can't say I ever enjoyed a Monday morning

 

An Ace meet I went to was good, it was nice to speak with people in RL that understood.

 

Outside that being lonely is still an ongoing issue.

 

It may be a getting old issue but with lots of friends I feel count me as a part time friend, as the only time I ever hear from them is when they want me to do something (normally computer work or free photos). Can't remember the last time someone messaged/phoned me with a how are you etc....

I'm struggling with this issue too, Andrew001.  Nearly all of my friends are married/in a relationship/having babies now, and these relationships come first for my friends.  Which is normal, I realize, but still difficult at times.

 

I've been trying out a couple of new Meetup groups, and looking for new hobbies.  We'll see what sticks.  It's just really hard to make new friends at this age - everyone seems to have a busy schedule and I'm finding that I'm having to schedule plans a month in advance in order to do anything.

[Marty1962]

Yes there are times when I feel lonely. I have friends, relatives and colleagues and even a lodger but I miss having a partner. Not surprisingly both my marriages and various relationships failed in the end because I'm quite adamant I'm not interested in sex and am only interested in romance and hand holding. I've never met another asexual so a future relationship seems very unlikely and I'm not dating another normal, it's too stressful waiting for that topic to come up.

There isn't anything that compares to having someone around all the time as far as I'm concerned.

Weekends are the worse as everyone is with family then and whenever I want to go to the pub, it's no fun going on your own. I have a lot of hobbies and belong to various groups but even so there are those evenings and weekends when you just long for someone to be there.

[StrangeStory]

On 4/8/2018 at 10:49 AM, Marty1962 said:

Yes there are times when I feel lonely. I have friends, relatives and colleagues and even a lodger but I miss having a partner. Not surprisingly both my marriages and various relationships failed in the end because I'm quite adamant I'm not interested in sex and am only interested in romance and hand holding. I've never met another asexual so a future relationship seems very unlikely and I'm not dating another normal, it's too stressful waiting for that topic to come up.

There isn't anything that compares to having someone around all the time as far as I'm concerned.

Weekends are the worse as everyone is with family then and whenever I want to go to the pub, it's no fun going on your own. I have a lot of hobbies and belong to various groups but even so there are those evenings and weekends when you just long for someone to be there.

I can kind of relate to this. I have a job which involves people, and that usually keeps the loneliness at bay. However, sometimes (like now) it's not enough. It's understandable that your relationships failed. I too would not want sex. And how incredibly difficult (or impossible) is it to find an person who is not only asexual, but asexual in the same way you are? It's hard enough for sexual people to find suitable partners, but for us... It's surely not possible.

 

Exercise and hobbies are great; they give some relief. But what do you do when the depression comes, and removes the energy required to do what you enjoy?

 

I understand what you mean when you say there are times when you long for someone to be there. I recently had a small taste of what it's like to have someone around; someone who bonded deeply with me, appreciated me with all my flaws and made me feel things I never thought possible. Without her... I don't know how to finish that sentence. There's just nothing left now. What do you do when you experience these times of loneliness? Just lie down and wait for it to pass?

[Muledeer]

48 minutes ago, StrangeStory said:

I can kind of relate to this. I have a job which involves people, and that usually keeps the loneliness at bay. However, sometimes (like now) it's not enough. It's understandable that your relationships failed. I too would not want sex. And how incredibly difficult (or impossible) is it to find an person who is not only asexual, but asexual in the same way you are? It's hard enough for sexual people to find suitable partners, but for us... It's surely not possible.

 

Exercise and hobbies are great; they give some relief. But what do you do when the depression comes, and removes the energy required to do what you enjoy?

 

I understand what you mean when you say there are times when you long for someone to be there. I recently had a small taste of what it's like to have someone around; someone who bonded deeply with me, appreciated me with all my flaws and made me feel things I never thought possible. Without her... I don't know how to finish that sentence. There's just nothing left now. What do you do when you experience these times of loneliness? Just lie down and wait for it to pass?

Sorry you are struggling with depression at the moment.  It hits me each season, usually when the seasons change, but I never really can predict when the depression monster will rear its ugly head.  However, it is likely that bouts of depression will come and go regardless of one's relationship status.  It is some kind of chemical imbalance and it almost always goes away (for me) after a week or so.  I don't like taking drugs, but I do believe in supplements and the three supplements that help me with depression are: L-Tyrosine, St. Johns Wort, and fish oil.  Aside from that, eating well and good exercise also seem to help.

[StrangeStory]

9 minutes ago, Muledeer said:

Sorry you are struggling with depression at the moment.  It hits me each season, usually when the seasons change, but I never really can predict when the depression monster will rear its ugly head.  However, it is likely that bouts of depression will come and go regardless of one's relationship status.  It is some kind of chemical imbalance and it almost always goes away (for me) after a week or so.  I don't like taking drugs, but I do believe in supplements and the three supplements that help me with depression are: L-Tyrosine, St. Johns Wort, and fish oil.  Aside from that, eating well and good exercise also seem to help.

Thanks for the response. I also get it for about a week. You're right - it comes and goes, regardless of what life is doing. Sometimes, when I'm in a happy phase, I look at my life and say to myself, "Hey, life is still terrible, but I feel good!". In times like that, I know it's all simply due to electro-chemical stuff going on in my brain. Do you experience depression at the start of winter? My times are usually New Year and my birthday. I am on medication, and I wouldn't be able to live without it. I also exercise a lot; I'm a "lifelong exerciser". It's amazing how heavy exercise can kill depression. But it has to be a good exercise session. Unfortunately, depression makes it almost impossible to get ready for exercise, and sometimes it causes mental fatigue which is something that will never allow a good session. And as for healthy eating... Well, there are two sides to this one. Chemically, fresh fruit & veg, seeds & nuts may help with mental well-being. But junk food can make us feel good! When I'm depressed, I don't force down the raw vegetables to "treat" myself; I go to Burger King! 

 

I guess you're heading into Wyoming Spring... I hope that's a good time for you.

[Muledeer]

@StrangeStory Depression is very unpredictable, as you are well aware of.  I usually get it at the beginning of winter, mid-autumn, and mid- summer.  I am just coming off a mild bout of depression that has lasted a couple of weeks.   It helps me to understand the symptoms of depression - like lack of energy, anxiety and wanting to sleep a lot.    I think your comment about good exercise is worth pursuing.  Junk food makes me feel bad,  Very bad.  The more processed the food is, the worse it makes me feel.  I have never been diagnosed nor treated for depression - I just accept that it is part of who I am.

[Frogster]

Today I put on a thrift store dress and my boots and went to church. Sat there and cried. Then I went to the store for milk and they had put out free ripe bananas. Last time they did that I took some to my friend and they helped him a bit. So I cried some more. Maybe its loneliness. Maybe grief. I don't know. I usually am happy enough with my own company and the dog and garden. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I think I'll go study nominative uses of the dative case in Greek. Nice organized thinking for a while. Maybe that will help. I've only walked a couple of miles today. Maybe a few more would be a good idea.

[daveb]

46 minutes ago, froglady said:

I think I'll go study nominative uses of the dative case in Greek. Nice organized thinking for a while. Maybe that will help. I've only walked a couple of miles today. Maybe a few more would be a good idea.

"Like" is for this, coming up with ideas to deal with the issue is good.

[Frogster]

oops

[AndrewT]

Pretty sure sometimes I may be my own worst enemy and think I unintentionally drive people away

 

Maybe by over sharing my crazy too soon into a new friendship

 

[Ousel]

1 hour ago, Andrew001 said:

Pretty sure sometimes I may be my own worst enemy and think I unintentionally drive people away

 

Maybe by over sharing my crazy too soon into a new friendship

 

I hear you. I sure find social conventions confusing. I end up sharing nothing and being isolated. 

 

At times when I did open up... Is my sharing driving them away? Or are they not the right people for me? 

[Gazza83]

Ive seen a few posts on aven that seem to mention about loneliness. I'm just a couple of years younger than you so i wouldn't say you are old. I work nightshift so i tend to find i have an overall crappy social life. I only have a few really close friends i like to spend time with but that's an ongoing thing for me. But i don't tend to feel lonely. I like to at weekends when i am off work, spend time with some family or my friends and do trips away for the day. Like i went walking up the pentland hills a couple weeks ago and i think it was last week i was up at the castle with my neice and nephew. Maybe this could be something for you to do more? I think if you can get involved in some groups with people similar to you with hobbies or lifestyle that could be a good shout. You say that you are into photography why not take yourself away to another city for a few days and do the sightseeing thing? I went down to London last summer to meet a friend i had only spoken to online and phone for a few years. very daunting but was well worth it. Maybe you can get chatty with others on here and do something similar? Obviously i put out there to make sure you get to know people well enough before that tho hahaha,

[Queenie]

I am 31 and I don't have friends that live near me. I am in the midst of my friends marrying, having kids, or attending to their careers to be bothered with hanging out. Plus ever since I stopped speaking to one former friend in particular I lost a lot of friends connected to them. To counteract the loneliness I have started focusing on my own career, going to clubs that will make a me better at my job, and doing things that make me happy. I also hang out with my family but mostly I travel alone. Yes, I do get lonely but it is the nature of the beast. My mindset is simple I would rather be alone than be around people who don't want my prescenece or see me as being so desperate for company that I will hangout with anyone.

I fill my time with things that fulfill me and further my goals creatively. If true friends come than fine if not that is fine as well. I also go to a convention with some friends from out of town at least once a year. I look forward to it.  So that is like my social highlight of the year.

[Marty1962]

On 15/04/2018 at 2:24 PM, StrangeStory said:

I can kind of relate to this. I have a job which involves people, and that usually keeps the loneliness at bay. However, sometimes (like now) it's not enough. It's understandable that your relationships failed. I too would not want sex. And how incredibly difficult (or impossible) is it to find an person who is not only asexual, but asexual in the same way you are? It's hard enough for sexual people to find suitable partners, but for us... It's surely not possible.

 

Exercise and hobbies are great; they give some relief. But what do you do when the depression comes, and removes the energy required to do what you enjoy?

 

I understand what you mean when you say there are times when you long for someone to be there. I recently had a small taste of what it's like to have someone around; someone who bonded deeply with me, appreciated me with all my flaws and made me feel things I never thought possible. Without her... I don't know how to finish that sentence. There's just nothing left now. What do you do when you experience these times of loneliness? Just lie down and wait for it to pass?

Well I usually go out and get another cat :-) And also I find it gets so much easier when you get older. It was well worth having my son, he is always there for me. I'd have had him by IVF if I'd had to.

[Losti]

My cat is a lifesaver. I also love reading, solo travel, and teaching myself new things. I work a lot and I volunteer at the zoo. I do get really sad sometimes because I want a friend so bad but I've never really had one and now that I'm 30 it seems really hard. I just try to keep my mind busy

[ryn2]

I need to get over the solo travel hurdle.  I do it for work, which must mean I can also do it for fun.

[daveb]

53 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I need to get over the solo travel hurdle.  I do it for work, which must mean I can also do it for fun.

Solo travel can be fun.

(although, for me, travel is even more fun now that I have found a compatible travel partner)  

[GeoAmy]

I enjoy solo travel once I'm there.  The big hurdle is planning the trip- deciding where to go, how to get there, ect.  Once the logistics are sorted I find it quite enjoyable adventuring on my own.  I can spend as much or as little time as I want at any given spot.  I generally do organized tours for convenience.  Some have been really good, others not so much.  Depends on the group.  It's hard finding solo friendly tours that are age appropriate though.  

[Crazy Cat Lady]

On 5/16/2018 at 6:18 PM, ryn2 said:

I need to get over the solo travel hurdle.  I do it for work, which must mean I can also do it for fun.

I've always been slightly nervous, travelling alone. I found that cruises are the way to go for me. Feel much much safer! Off the ship, I usually book some kind of tour (doesn't have to be ship-sponsored, as those have SO many people!), so I'm more comfortable.

 

ETA: Can't afford to travel anymore, anyway, but it was fun while it lasted!

[Queenie]

Seriously considering doing this since this looks like it will be my life. I am going to get my passport and ask the Lord to be my fence. I want to see the world. It would be nice to have a truly trusted companion at my side but alas that will never be so alone I run. The sky is the limit, and I am still young. It is time to stop being afraid. 

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Crazy Cat Lady said:

I've always been slightly nervous, travelling alone. I found that cruises are the way to go for me. Feel much much safer! Off the ship, I usually book some kind of tour (doesn't have to be ship-sponsored, as those have SO many people!), so I'm more comfortable.

 

ETA: Can't afford to travel anymore, anyway, but it was fun while it lasted!

That’s an interesting idea.  I have been on a number of cruises with my probably-soon-to-be-ex but hadn’t really considered going it alone... which is kind of silly considering it’s something familiar (which would make it an easy first step for me).

[mOonday04]

On 5/26/2018 at 10:16 PM, Queenie said:

Seriously considering doing this since this looks like it will be my life. I am going to get my passport and ask the Lord to be my fence. I want to see the world. It would be nice to have a truly trusted companion at my side but alas that will never be so alone I run. The sky is the limit, and I am still young. It is time to stop being afraid. 

I am also considering this at the moment.

see you on the road then. ^_^)

[Crazy Cat Lady]

On 5/26/2018 at 3:55 PM, ryn2 said:

That’s an interesting idea.  I have been on a number of cruises with my probably-soon-to-be-ex but hadn’t really considered going it alone... which is kind of silly considering it’s something familiar (which would make it an easy first step for me). 

Yup! You've done it before - you know how it works! I think doing a solo cruise would be a great place to start for you!

[ryn2]

32 minutes ago, Crazy Cat Lady said:

Yup! You've done it before - you know how it works! I think doing a solo cruise would be a great place to start for you!

Yeah, I’ve done it so much I’m pretty well up the loyalty program and that would make it even easier.

[Crazy Cat Lady]

On 5/29/2018 at 7:12 PM, ryn2 said:

Yeah, I’ve done it so much I’m pretty well up the loyalty program and that would make it even easier.

Nice!!!! Obviously, it is pricier to travel solo. I have also done a couple cruises with friends/roommates, but we still do whatever we want. We don't do everything together, we just share a room to save money, really. I've also done solo cruises, and I have to admit, it's soooo nice to have the room to myself! At this point, I don't know if I'll be able to afford to cruise again, but hopefully some day!