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Older, Single and dealing with loneliness?


AndrewT

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19 minutes ago, Crazy Cat Lady said:

Nice!!!! Obviously, it is pricier to travel solo. I have also done a couple cruises with friends/roommates, but we still do whatever we want. We don't do everything together, we just share a room to save money, really. I've also done solo cruises, and I have to admit, it's soooo nice to have the room to myself! At this point, I don't know if I'll be able to afford to cruise again, but hopefully some day!

Agreed, that’s a concern as well, but I can save up.  If/when Indo end up alone I will have less income, but also a lot less spending (that’s mostly my SO)... and I’ve always been the one better at delayed gratification so I will find it easier to go without in order to save for something I really want.

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  • 1 month later...

I'm 55 and I know the loneliness of the weekend. The only things I can suggest are to find a hobby that takes time and effort--I'm into cycling and I've been drawing since I was a kid--or go exploring in your area. When I first came to Japan, there wasn't enought time to do and see all I wanted and it was GREAT. But after a while, I got used to things and that's when boredom set in. Fortunately, a friend was able to step in and at his suggestion we started going places we normally wouldn't: temples, bonsai gardens, local festivals, basically everything that I thought would put me to sleep, but actually gave me a deeper appreciation of the culture. Now, I'm sure your situation is different, but there's gotta be something you haven't tried or somewhere you haven't gone that holds even a small spark of interest. And someone to go with isn't necessary. I love cycling by myself precisely because I don't need to check with someone if a destination is okay, and I can change my mind at a moment's notice without worrying who'll think what. And those times when being home alone is the only option can be when you complete a course and maybe earn a degree. Jeeze, I sound like some infomercial. But I'm adding a master's degree to my resume and that's gotta help.

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2 hours ago, cavalier080854 said:

@AndrewT I'm 64 and live in County Durham

We have regular ace meets in newcastle if you wanted to come

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  • 2 weeks later...

I work in a people facing role so quite enjoy the evenings and weekends I have to myself.  I do have days where I feel a bit alone in the world as everyone else has got their families but kids was never something I was interested in, I'm good with other people's kids but happy to hand them back!  Being happy in my own company helps a fair bit, chill out listen to music, read, bit of internet but it would be so good to meet people who want to travel.  I sometimes find being with people all the time tiring so guess I'm a bit of an oddity...

 

I'm lucky that I have one amazing friend who lives in Dublin and almost every Friday night we have what has become referred to as bitchfest where we start of venting about things that have annoyed us during the week, then it usually digresses into planning our next gigs.  Orientation-wise she's on the opposite side of the spectrum to me, I'm ace she's bi-poly but we have enough common traits to be great friends, she even flew in for the day to come to my Mum's funeral (which means that most of the neighbours probably think I'm a lesbian but hey it's a small village so they need something to do).

 

I've holidayed alone a fair bit as at 37 I'm in that category of should be married with at least 1 or 2 kids which is what most of my friends are at.  I went on a group tour to New Zealand in 2014 and though it was for 18-40 year olds at 33 I was one of the oldest on the trip, though I did make one or two friends there were one or two other women who I couldn't stand.  2017 I ended up combining following my friend's band on tour with going to Iceland, as I was only in Iceland a few days and booked on tours i didn't mind having dinner on my own so much.  This year I'm trying a cruise, heading to Norway to see the Northern Lights and managed to find a deal without a single supplement so we'll see how that goes!

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Hi Andrew. I completely relate to every word you said. I am 37 myself. I recently graduated from university going back in my late 20s (5 years; two degrees as is required to be a teacher where I am). I also didn't care for the 20 something group for many reasons.

 

I don't make friends at work because teachers live in a scary fishbowl that makes it hard to trust people will look out for you, and because I've rather had it with the married with kids crowd, which most teachers fall into (or plan to fall into).

 

Lonely...complicated. I generally prefer to be alone, and since deciding I was just going to give up trying to have friends and making the choice to be alone, I have found that, long term, things are easier and I am actually less lonely. Having people in my life that were never actually around in any form was far lonelier than going it completely alone. Generally. Sometimes I just have a day where I feel it, but I have enough hobbies to keep me busy, and I just do that. I had two cats, and they were far superior company, so I preferred to stay home with them.

 

Also: fictional characters. I have amazing empathy and I can connect to fictional characters just as much as real people. Most of the time fictional characters make for perfect friends, if you fully commit to them and their journeys. Comics can be especially great for this as you get a new story monthly for, well, depending on the title - your entire life (Rogue from "X-Men" is one of mine and she was created the year I was born - we've been good friends for a long time). TV of course provides something even more tangible for, hopefully, a few years (although when they are killed off, that can sometimes be a bit much...)


Right now it's really a struggle as both my girls have now passed (one in 2016 and I had to put her sister down in May - extra hard as I had to made the decision to do it and it was all very sudden and tragic), and I have no one to help me deal with the crushing lost. I am now alone in a way I don't think most people could begin to understand with the girls gone. Right now that isolation is crippling. It's also summer break, so I don't even have that daily work interaction (granted, long before the end of the week, I am often so sick to death of people - like Nahteb15, I am usually very grateful for my isolated weekends (middle schoolers can be DEMONS 🤣 )

I...came here. I am hoping I can find some asexuals IRL in my area and can make friends that want real and lasting friendships. I plan to go to a somewhat nearby meetup in Sept and see how that goes.

Granted, I am a very introverted person in general and don't like group activities, so me finding the asexual meetup was pretty exciting, but there are a wide range of other type of group activities you can try. Local theatre groups can be really wonderful and need crew and admin folks to volunteer, not just actors. They are always a very warm and welcoming bunch (it was just too much for introverted me; I need one-on-one not a room crowded with people).

Living in Canada can also be hard. It's a HUGE geographical country with a rather tiny population. Second biggest landmass, but only 35 million people. I also happen to live in a conservative bible belt area, not in a city like Vancouver where people are more accepting and diverse.

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Thank you, ryn2. Yes, it's been extremely challenging, especially this recent loss. The empty home is really getting to me, but even if I do decide to get another pet (which I am not sure I will - both their deaths were extremely sudden illnesses and traumatic and I am not sure I could do it again), it's way too soon (hasn't even been 4 months with my recent loss).

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Agreed, I’ve lost cats very suddenly and it’s awful.  If the time is ever right for a new pet you’ll know.

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@LKinney, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂

 

For some people, myself included, we seem to have a closer bond with pets than humans, so the loss of one hurts more than losing a family member. 

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1 hour ago, Skycaptain said:

@LKinney, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂

 

For some people, myself included, we seem to have a closer bond with pets than humans, so the loss of one hurts more than losing a family member. 

Sky Captain - very much so on both fronts. I'm a huge animal lover in general, and I certainly bond with pets more than people. My dog growing up was my best friend, and my girls were very much my babies. Losing them was like losing children.

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JHC (pet in waiting)

Mid forties, single (always have been), not much extended family, unemployed (and avoiding spending money). Oh and I have depression (not really at the moment but I am on a high dose of antidepressants).

 

I like living alone, I don't often feel the need for company. When I get lonely it's accompanied by selfish feelings - who would visit me if I was in hospital etc - and then guilt because I don't see me doing much for anyone else. Basically feeling sorry for myself because I'm not "a catch".

 

I am with a couple of groups on meetup.com which is good, although I haven't made any close friends, it's more get me out the house and keep me busy so I don't feel sorry for myself. Same with volunteering. I have joined MeetAces.com which I really like the look of, it has a friendship only option, and is free, but it has so few members...

 

So not feeling lonely too often, even though I am mostly alone. Living with a slight hope that I might find a best friend who lives nearby and we can lean on each other.

 

Alternatively you could adopt me as your pet. I'm house trained and not a fussy eater as long as someone else prepares the (human) food. Affection would have to be on my terms though. 😁😁😁

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Hello JHC. Just because one enjoys living and being alone some, or even most of the time, doesn't mean we're immune to the need to connect completely; darn social species evolution! 😉

 

May I ask, do you have to use a real name on places like MeetAces? I'd be interested in trying one of these sites, but I wouldn't want my profile to come up in a google search and have a student or a parent find it. 😲

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JHC (pet in waiting)
11 minutes ago, LKinney said:

 😉

May I ask, do you have to use a real name on places like MeetAces? I'd be interested in trying one of these sites, but I wouldn't want my profile to come up in a google search and have a student or a parent find it. 😲

No, you do have to give them some contact information but if you wanted you could create an email address just for that. 

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1 minute ago, JHC (pet in waiting) said:

No, you do have to give them some contact information but if you wanted you could create an email address just for that. 

I have lots of email accounts that don't have my real name in them. Good to know. Thank you very much for that.

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Its been very hard, it seemed the older I got as all my friends got married and had kids I seemed to have less and less in common with any of them and one friendship after another just died. I try to stay busy with hobby’s and enjoying nature, but when I get up the courage to try and make new friends it doesn’t seem to last long when they find out I'm not interested in dating and having so called “normal” relationship's with a guy. I have yet to meet any other Asexual's in real life and so called “normal” (sexual) people including those I know in the Gay and Lesbian community don't seem very interested in trying to understand what it is like being asexual.

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RakshaTheCat
On 8/23/2018 at 4:12 PM, LKinney said:

Also: fictional characters. I have amazing empathy and I can connect to fictional characters just as much as real people.

Heh, I've done that with a character in game I was playing! Although I actually created that character, she didn't really have her story in game, but I used game world to create story and whole clan (kind of like a family) around her. Let's just say, it made my then girlfriend jealous... So, hmm, if you end up in relationship, watch out for that... :)

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7 hours ago, Marcin said:

Heh, I've done that with a character in game I was playing! Although I actually created that character, she didn't really have her story in game, but I used game world to create story and whole clan (kind of like a family) around her. Let's just say, it made my then girlfriend jealous... So, hmm, if you end up in relationship, watch out for that... :)

I am not much of a gamer (only because I suck at them), so I've never done that, but as a writer, I do that. But in this case I meant just connecting deeply with characters in your fav shows, movies, books, etc. ie: I connect more to Laura Kinney, X-23 (my handle), than I ever have to IRL people.

 

Course the point here was for those of us lacking IRL connections. As an aro-ace, I'd never be in a romantic relationship, so no worries on the jealously front. Then again, it seems really odd to be jealous over a fictional character....

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RakshaTheCat
1 hour ago, LKinney said:

Course the point here was for those of us lacking IRL connections. As an aro-ace, I'd never be in a romantic relationship, so no worries on the jealously front. Then again, it seems really odd to be jealous over a fictional character....

I actually have been lacking deep IRL connection, even while still in relationship (I never felt completely safe with my girlfriend, I though we can figure it out eventually, but nope).
 

Hmm, from what you say, I suspect I might be full aro myself, because, well, I'm never jealous, I never try to 'win' anybody, and if I feel connection to someone, I just want us to be happy, preferably together, but togetherness is not a must. I can feel betrayed, but this is completely different than possessive kind of jealousy that romantic people seem to be talking about...

 

Since you are fellow introvert, may I ask, have you ever lived with someone with whom you could actually 'have alone time', recharge yourself despite their being present even in the same room and just doing their own things?

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I can't say I've never been jealous, but I am sure it's not the same as with people with a partner. I've never had an issue with people being close to others and having others in their lives, but...I'm trying to find the words here... let's try an example. High school: it was not uncommon to see female friends put their heads in each other's laps; it was not a sexual thing - it was a friendship thing, a close bond. I was jealous that I could never seem to get that in a friendship. It's not like I would have an issue if a friend did that with another friend, but I was upset I didn't get it to. Does that make sense? I am also jealous that I am never anyone's first choice, first commitment. My needs are always pretty low down on the ladder, and it's why I've given up on friendships too (though I am hoping meeting fellow aces will perhaps change that).

 

Of course this has to be possible as introverts get married all the time. If you mean as an aro-ace, I can, of course, only speak for myself. I only ever had roommates once, and I would never do that again. Granted, it was a really shitty situation and complicated. It didn't help they were older, married, and one decided I wasn't asexual, but was afraid to admit I was gay (cause they were), and there was a never ending pressure to "admit" it and start being gay. I've never lived with humans sense, and I would never do so again, but my reasons are more complex than just being an introvert. Keep in mind, being an introvert doesn't mean you HAVE to be alone to recharge, just something low key. Having one person you're really close to can be that. I've experienced that before, so I do think it's possible. If you think you must be alone, just make sure you live somewhere where there's an option for that and communicate with the other person when you need that time.

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RakshaTheCat
19 minutes ago, LKinney said:

It's not like I would have an issue if a friend did that with another friend, but I was upset I didn't get it to. Does that make sense? I am also jealous that I am never anyone's first choice, first commitment. My needs are always pretty low down on the ladder, and it's why I've given up on friendships too (though I am hoping meeting fellow aces will perhaps change that).

It makes so much sense, @LKinney! It actually made me annoyed that I'm a dude, because, well, I cannot have anything involving physical touch in a friendship, since people will just assume I'm 'hitting' on them...

 

I actually started to pursue relationships because I thought they are about being each others first choice, first commitment, exactly like you described... Uhh, lets just say I learned hard way it's not true... Standard relationships seem to be mainly about sex...

 

I hope you will have better luck with that than me, but so far, it looks like not many ACEs actually pursue that... I don't think I will be able to find anyone locally, there is just not enough people, so I'm open for worldwide deep friendships. Distance is a barrier that can be dealt with after all, I've done it once, can do that again :) 

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I'm really sorry, Marcin. I feel so deeply for men on that front, that assumption they are always predators, and it's ridiculous how often OTHER MEN push that narrative! As a female teacher I NEVER need to worry about being accused of doing something improper, while male teachers panic when administration reminds them they have to enforce the dress code. While I don't like when students hug me (touch has to be on my terms), I don't have to be concerned. My dad would flee if students tried to do that to him in fear of his job. Notice all how the (stupid) trans-bathroom bills are ALWAYS about men preying on women? We ignore male rape or expect men to be glad they "got laid." The sexualized culture is a huge part of the problem, but so is the way we treat men. It's wrong, and it's really, really sad.

 

Yeah, I can't say I have high hopes as an aro-ace as there's so  many barriers with the limited number of people and then having to find someone you can connect with in general, and then to be able to connect deeply. Just because you can have pleasant chats with someone, doesn't mean you're going to make really deep connections.

 

I've done the long distance thing, but other people suck at committing to that (they always drift off for local contacts). You also can't have that deeper connection that just comes from being face-to-face to someone, let alone touch (I am not against all touch, I actually REALLY want it, but it's been more pain than it's worth as it gets taken away).

 

I can't change the stupid cultural narrative build around romantic love (which is a social construct - friendships actually used to be the real relationships as women were not even seen as equal to men - they were just brood mares traded like any other good! Marriage for love is still a very new thing in terms of all human history; and you can see how much more it's been getting pushed as the ideas of the nuclear family change).

 

I've rather resigned myself to being alone. I don't know what else to do about it. I at least had cats before, but I don't know if I can do that again with how hard it is to deal with this loss all alone. It just...sucks.

 

Andrew - I feel your thread has totally been jacked! Don't hate us! 🤣

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