Older, Single and dealing with loneliness?

[AndrewT]

Hi all,

Since my mid 20’s (now 38) I’ve gone through stages of loneliness, but I noticed a pattern that it was worse at the weekends.

This may be just down to when I was younger we’d be at work mon-fri normally, then we would be out every weekend, as we got older and friends started getting married etc, we went out a lot less. Now, that group of friends aren’t allowed out without asking permission and 3 months of planning.

I recently (in 2016) started university as a Mature student to study a degree in photography, where I am with a lot of young people (there are only 2 of us on the course over the age of 30).

At university the age gap does not cause a problem in lectures/tutorial/etc, but on a whole, I don’t socialize with the 20ish year olds, I get invited out occasionally (whether they want me to come out or they are being polite idk). But I don’t want to be that old guy……... but I do now spend most of my free time alone

I’m hoping there is a meetup local to me that I can get to meet new friends offline.

I’m just interested if any other older Asexuals get lonely and how do you/did you cope?

 

Regards

 

Andrew

 

[SorryNotSorry]

Hobbies. Specifically, ones I enjoy and which can be monetized.

 

Like building and maintaining websites? Find people who like to buy and sell stuff, and organize sites for them. Like fixing things? Make a few bucks on the side fixing things for others. Etc etc.

[Ousel]

Hi Andrew,

 

I'm just a year older than you, and I know what you mean. I think it's different for women, for sure. It sounds like you have mostly monogamous friends? My poly friends don't really go out anymore, but they do still socialize with a months notice, and host parties. Poly isn't just about dating. I have "poly friendly" people in my life who want friends that won't disappear on them for a monogamous relationship. Or who aren't having kids, and want friends who have time for them. I find that the having kids excuse, is just that, because my poly friends with kids do not disappear. In fact they are grateful for people who still want to hang out with them plus kids. 

 

I hear you about not wanting to be the old dude with a gaggle of young students. I'm about to start school and I'm nervous about that part. Mostly I organize my time around exercise, hobbies that feel good, keeping in touch with friends, and healthy food. (The underlying notion for most of that is self care.) Before I moved, I had been a volunteer on the local suicide hotline. Finding a volunteer position for something your passionate about is a great way to meet people of all ages. Even my dad volunteers at a public art studio to make friends, and he's over 70. 

 

Good luck!

[JustmeV]

Hi Andrew,

 

I'm 52 and that's the very first time I've heard that 30 was considered anywhere near old!

My loneliest time is the holidays. I love animals so every year I spend my Thanksgiving day and Christmas day at a different zoo (while everyone else is pretending to like their company and eating lots of food). I get great exercise, sunshine and peace and quiet...and I eat whatever I want.

 

I hope you find a meetup near you. I have none around me, but think that would be a great way to get out with no pressure.

 

I agree with woodworker1968 & Ousel though...volunteering and hobbies work wonders. I love to make chocolate! (but then I don't associate with anyone so I eat it all... so I don't do it often anymore...haha.)

 

Roni

 

[Yeast]

I worked for nearly three decades as a state employee in what might be called the bureau of inertia and blotting paper. This sort of employment drew a rather motley crew but I often ate lunch with sadists, bigots, neurotics and the Russian child woman.  As I grew older I began to realize I deserved better friends than the ones I had. I learned that some people are just not worth knowing. I'm 60 now and retired a few years ago. A state pension allows me to own a house and pay a mortgage so I'll probably never be employed again. Unfortunately this has left me all alone and some times I feel lonely. I've read many other posts about the problems people have as they age and their formerly single friends marry.  My advice is the same as the advice presented here. Find something you like to do.  I recently got a cast iron wok and have really enjoyed cooking with it. Other things I enjoy is building and programming antique computers. During the summer there is horticulture to keep me busy.  None the less sometimes I wish I could go eat lunch with someone, personality flaws or not.  I suppose what I ought to do is try to find a group of people like me who I can actually meet. Until then, I suppose this forum will do.

[lazypanda]

Just 24 and already feeling lonely..... 😭

 

 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Andrew001 said:

Hi all,

Since my mid 20’s (now 38) I’ve gone through stages of loneliness, but I noticed a pattern that it was worse at the weekends.

This may be just down to when I was younger we’d be at work mon-fri normally, then we would be out every weekend, as we got older and friends started getting married etc, we went out a lot less. Now, that group of friends aren’t allowed out without asking permission and 3 months of planning.

I recently (in 2016) started university as a Mature student to study a degree in photography, where I am with a lot of young people (there are only 2 of us on the course over the age of 30).

At university the age gap does not cause a problem in lectures/tutorial/etc, but on a whole, I don’t socialize with the 20ish year olds, I get invited out occasionally (whether they want me to come out or they are being polite idk). But I don’t want to be that old guy……... but I do now spend most of my free time alone

I’m hoping there is a meetup local to me that I can get to meet new friends offline.

I’m just interested if any other older Asexuals get lonely and how do you/did you cope?

 

Regards

 

Andrew

 

You can try meetup.com or other sites to find people that share hobbies with you in your area. A lot of them are mixed age groups, some are older crowds, etc. 

 

But, on the going out with the 20 somethings - when I was in college at 18, the 20 somethings would hang out with the older students. No one considered them "that old person" in the group. We were just all fellow classmates. We even sometimes invited the co-dean to come along after a show (theatre group), or the AD who was a 70 something year old veteran. All that mattered was the shared experiences of class/shows, not the ages. 

[AndrewT]

3 hours ago, lazypanda said:

Just 24 and already feeling lonely..... 😭

 

 

Sorry to hear

I can't offer a lot of advice, luckily others have 

 

[Mmmmk]

I’m the same age as you and I get what you mean about the weekends, I remember starting to feel depressed on Friday around 4pm while everyone is leaving work to go be with their families or go out. And while I could have gone out I didn’t want to, but I didn’t want to be alone either. I’d always have to fill my weekends with friends. But I also don’t care if I’m the 3rd or 5th wheel lol. I second Meetup.com, I used it a lot when I was traveling abroad solo.

[lilgroundhog]

I completely agree with finding hobbies and volunteering.  It's still hard though.  I have a horrible case of imposter syndrome, that does affect my social relationships.

[GeoAmy]

I definitely struggle with loneliness and it makes sense it's worse on the weekends.  During the week I'm at work and have people to socialize there.  Then the weekends come and I find myself with no plans and sitting at home alone on the couch wishing I had things to do.  I've gotten quite used to doing things by myself, but sometimes it's nice to have company.

 

Here in houston, we have ace meetups, but the bulk of people that come are in their 20's.  I can tolerate ace 20 somethings much more than regular 20 somethings, but they generally aren't in the same place as I am (lack of money and many live at home yet).

 

I haven't quite found the magic cure to loneliness, but my 2 cats help a lot.  I also started with photography, especially birds about a year ago.  If the weather allows, I try to go out at least 1 day of the weekend and shoot birds/walk (I had no idea how rich Texas is with bird species year round).  Sometimes it's a new park and sometimes it's one of my regulars.  I used to do kayaking too, but the dynamics of the club changed and I'm not in as good of shape as I should be for that.  So I guess I agree that having hobbies is one of the better ways to combat loneliness.

[48kg]

Im 32 vietnamese teacher, i go to work and come back home -prepare for next day - sitting in front of computer screen - go to bed - again again ......

 

[smack12776]

For me, I find it to be the opposite.

 

I cannot recall feeling or being lonely. I usually have to force myself to actively be around other people or engage with society.

 

However, I think that the advice for both situations might be similar. For me, I only sought out activities that interests me. If I have to travel for them or spend a little extra cash, I'm okay with that because the intention is for me to be involved in something that I enjoy, especially since I'm making myself do it and am not naturally driven to do it.

 

I volunteer at the local jail as a literacy teacher and have been doing that for about 2 years. Met a lot of nice people that way, people who I can now depend on to be there for me in a time of need or just to grab coffee/tea from time to time.

 

I also volunteer at the local community garden. This is a great way to meet people and this past summer when I was sick, I was able to call my gardening pals and have them look after my lot for me. That felt nice.

 

I horseback ride with a nice couple that lives about 1.5 hours from me. The wife has early onset dementia and her husband can't ride anymore. He doesn't want her riding alone so I visit them a few times a year and now, I consider them close associates. This February, they are going to do a curry goat stew night and have invited me. 

 

Also, I have two children (both in college, one lives with me, the other out of state) and family  close by. 

 

Volunteering, as so many others have mentioned, is a great way to meet people without feeling the pressure to socialize, like you might experience at meetups. It also feels great to be doing something meaningful for the community and that fulfillment might just be a great way to offset feeling lonely.

 

((hugs))

[smack12776]

PS. My youngest son is taking a digital photography course, Andrew.

 

Perhaps, if you're comfortable, I can ask him if he'd be okay with sharing email addresses and maybe you guys can exchange photos or tips from time to time? He's 20 but honestly behaves like a 40 year old. Seriously.

[Adachiku]

Does early 30s count as “older”? 

 

But yeah, I know the feeling, especially coming home from meeting - let’s call them “people who have shared interests”. I don’t really consider them friends, because I don’t know them that well, but at least I can socialize a bit.

 

Though I’ve also come to realize that just because you share certain interests, you’re not automatically compatible in terms of character/opinion. (Like Doctor Who fans who are also creepy stalkers on facebook. Or are horribly misogynistic.)

 

What I’m trying to say is ... Erh, I guess getting rid of loneliness is really really hard work? Sometimes I don’t feel like doing it, but I realize there’s no way around it.

[lilgroundhog]

2 hours ago, Adachiku said:

What I’m trying to say is ... Erh, I guess getting rid of loneliness is really really hard work? Sometimes I don’t feel like doing it, but I realize there’s no way around it.

Yeah, connecting with people is hard, really hard.  The few friends I can call of when things get hard are priceless though.

[straightouttamordor]

I saw a story somewhere on the web the other day where in the U.K. they appointed a minister of loneliness. What a sad title to wear. The highly connected world of social media doesn't seem to make the world more social. 

[mari]

On 18/1/2018 at 2:52 PM, Andrew001 said:

Hi all,

Since my mid 20’s (now 38) I’ve gone through stages of loneliness, but I noticed a pattern that it was worse at the weekends.

This may be just down to when I was younger we’d be at work mon-fri normally, then we would be out every weekend, as we got older and friends started getting married etc, we went out a lot less. Now, that group of friends aren’t allowed out without asking permission and 3 months of planning.

I recently (in 2016) started university as a Mature student to study a degree in photography, where I am with a lot of young people (there are only 2 of us on the course over the age of 30).

At university the age gap does not cause a problem in lectures/tutorial/etc, but on a whole, I don’t socialize with the 20ish year olds, I get invited out occasionally (whether they want me to come out or they are being polite idk). But I don’t want to be that old guy……... but I do now spend most of my free time alone

I’m hoping there is a meetup local to me that I can get to meet new friends offline.

I’m just interested if any other older Asexuals get lonely and how do you/did you cope?

 

Regards

 

Andrew

 

Hi I feel very lonely but from a soulmate, I need intimacy, share my life. I have friends but I don’t want to do things with them. Years ago when I have a SO we did some activities with friends.

[Skycaptain]

@prib23, that's true after a fashion. It's not their only role in government. The primary aim of the position is to find a way of supporting the large number of older folk who live alone and have mobility or social mobility issues. Not only the eternally single, but divorcees, those whose spouse has passed away etc, especially where there's either no children, or the children have moved away. I can't recall the exact figure, but you're talking around or over 5% of the population fall into this category. 

[teatree]

On 1/26/2018 at 10:01 PM, prib23 said:

minister of loneliness.

This just came up as a  question on NPR's "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me"

 

On 1/27/2018 at 5:51 AM, Skycaptain said:

The primary aim of the position is to find a way of supporting the large number of older folk who live alone and have mobility or social mobility issues.

A very good aim. It must be so sad to have no one for support. I though about that a couple of weekends ago when I was sick--I had my sister, my son, and a friend checking in with me to see if I needed anything, but it made me think about those people who are living alone and have few if any connections to draw upon.

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

It's probably going to be a more common issue as time passes, with fewer people having children/children nearby/children later in life. the TV ads for Age UK are particularly poignant, all that's missing is the background music (which should be 'streets of London'.

[Myssterry]

I don't agree with the concept that living alone or being childless equals lonely.  I have found that people rally round when you are in difficulties.  However old I get to be, I hope do-gooders leave me alone.

[straightouttamordor]

3 hours ago, teatree said:

This just came up as a  question on NPR's "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me"

 

A very good aim. It must be so sad to have no one for support. I though about that a couple of weekends ago when I was sick--I had my sister, my son, and a friend checking in with me to see if I needed anything, but it made me think about those people who are living alone and have few if any connections to draw upon.

Sounds like a good idea. Maybe we could have something similar in a state or county level here in the United States.

[Followingyou]

Hobbies, and just like I use to be upset over it and now I'm just not, I do the same things I did when I was a teenager, its pretty much life, just enjoy it. Find hobbies that interact or cross paths with people to have a conversation once and a while.

[Skycaptain]

Pets also make a home seem less empty when your alone 

[Outrunner]

I struggle with loneliness a lot. I only really have one close friend. I have people that I get on with at work but no one I'm really close with and no one I really want to socialise with. I've tried joining clubs and taking up hobbies but I always end up on the outside looking in and feel worse for it. It's become a cycle now, I decide to take up a hobby/go to a convention/go on holiday/go to a music gig with the hopes of meeting people I can talk to and usually end up chickening out these days.

 

I'm in this catch 22 situation where I feel like I want friends and maybe a new relationship but I've been hurt too many times by people I trusted to want to go through it again. 

[Blackthorn]

I get on with people at work, but to be honest I consider it part of the job and am relieved to be able to have a break from people at the weekend!  Humans always seem to say one thing and mean another - and I am rubbish picking up signals and so on.  I am much happier with cats!

[Unicorn101]

I live in the country in Yorkshire. I’m forty and at the weekends people are in couples and with families I do sense I have prioritised life differently. When I noticed maybe I should’ve been doing this I went on a dating website I felt a revulsion at forcing myself to do this. I never thought I was asexual but I feel more at home here than there. I was in a total panic after two seconds on a ordinary dating website. I feel I just would like, Someone to do things with that is all comic cons and Netflix and chill things like that .ihave never felt lonely before forty.

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

Right now, I would say I'm bored, not lonely, as I've been cooped up with rubbish daytime TV while I recover from a nerve entrapment. 

My daughter is away for two weeks, but when she gets back I'll be seeing her for Easter, so I'm looking forward to that. the only thing that bothers me is the condescending way couples look at single people with a kind of pity. At least we don't have the heartaches and squabbles!

[Aistar]

Used to have trouble with loneliness and depression, especially hard when you lost contact to your family and most people around you keep moving away and get replaced by younger people. Most of my friends live too far away. Tried to get into social activities as well and it is hard too.  Another reason is technology. Grew up before everyone had a computer and cellphone and people had to communicate with each other directly. As great as technology is, it brings us together but at the same time makes us less social.

And it is proven that so more people use social media and watch TV so more depressed they get. Trying to limit that and it helps. Eating behaviors and food can also play a big role on mood. Also had to find happiness within myself which helped me too. I count my blessings and follow my hobbies as much as I can. Pets can help too. If you can't have pets, maybe you can walk the dogs from the local shelter or neighbors?