Does Anyone Else Grapple with Feeling "Broken"?

[Asharee]

Alright, so I am not unhappy with being asexual in the slightest. I love platonic everything, and am grateful for not having to look further than what I already have.

 

But, there are definitely some moments where I wish my brain was wired a little differently. This is only because sexuals seem to save verbal and emotional intimacy for romantic or sexual partners, while I openly share variations of those things with most people I meet. For me, intimacy or excitement comes from learning things about others that they don't confide in anyone else. I want a deep, meaningful and knowledgable connection with most people I meet. And I guess it's just annoying that it can be seen as weird coming from a friend rather than someone they're attracted to.

 

Not to mention, the idea of missing out on seeing a different kind of beauty, emotion, or feeling for/in someone can be frustrating. My inquisitive nature can't help but want to know that extra layer of life that I can't mentally or physically understand. It's like hearing that there's a whole spectrum of colours I've never seen that others can see, and that you're expected to see them.

 

Does anyone else feel the same? 😊

[ParaGhost]

I know exactly how you feel. And I still feel that way.

 

[argar]

8 minutes ago, Asharee said:

For me, intimacy or excitement comes from learning things about others that they don't confide in anyone else. I want a deep, meaningful and knowledgable connection with most people I meet. And I guess it's just annoying that it can be seen as weird coming from a friend rather than someone they're attracted to.

Actually all of this is what intimacy is.

 

I guess in a "normal" hetero relationship intimacy can be categorized as the things that lead up to sex, sex, and what happens after sex.

 

In general I think asexual folks skip the middle step. Lol

 

To be honest you are not "broken" just different.

 

You look at the world in a slightly different way because your priorities are different.

 

That's just my opinion though.

 

I did for some time feel like I was "broken" because my drives didn't match that of my peers, and that lead to a lot of hatred in me for a while.

 

No one likes to feel like an outsider.

 

But with time I just came to accept that what works for others doesn't necessarily work for me.

 

And this is a biased opinion, but the things that my peers usually went after didn't ever seem to make them happy.

 

Just some of my observations though.

 

 

 

 

[Asharee]

6 minutes ago, argar said:

And this is a biased opinion, but the things that my peers usually went after didn't ever seem to make them happy.

 

Just some of my observations though.

 

 

 

 

Absolutely agree with everything you've said! 

[mak]

I felt it needed to be said that while I was reading this thread, Broken by lovelytheband started playing on my Pandora shuffle.

 

Weird but anywho, I do sometimes feel a bit broken. I just learned about asexuality a month ago and am still trying to come to terms. Knowing there is a community of us though has helped. I do not feel as if I am the odd one out as much anymore. 

 

My family is always asking when I am going to get a boyfriend and get married, even though I'm only 21. It is frustrating to know that I will probably never get to that point whereas my friends are all settling down and getting married. 

Sorry for the rambling, yes to your question but I hope it gets better. 

[oldgeeza]

Well you're definitely not broken, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, we're all individuals, we all have different thoughts, different feelings, that's what makes us who we are.

 

 I knew I didn't care for sex, I've known that for many years, but I'm an old fart, I thought I was broken, abnormal, a freak of nature, I mean I was in my teens in the 80's, no internet, no real way of finding out all that I know now, especially as I was working long hours back then, I was 40 before I discovered the term asexual, before I knew there were others who had similar feelings towards sex, I assumed there was something more than there actually was to it, I tried sex due to peer pressure, I had two different partners, I had sex maybe 5 times in total, it literally lasted seconds, it felt like hours, I hated it and felt physically sick, thinking the worse, I went on a trail of self destruction, heavy drinking, drugs, I hated myself for a long time, then, one day I just woke up, I felt horrible, I no longer liked this feeling, I thought, I'm doing this to myself because I don't fit into what society expects or me, bearing in mind, this was back in the 80's, gay people weren't an accepted part of society then, but I just thought, if people can't accept me for who I am, I don't need them in my life, I have the best friends anyone could ever wish for, friends who have stuck by me through all the bad times and good, throughout my self discovery, they have been there for me. It wasn't until I was struck down with cancer, I was off work, bored, I bought my first computer, I googled "I don't want or enjoy sex" I was guided to this site, everyone here has helped me to learn more about asexulity, and in turn, more about myself 

[Tiggidou]

9 hours ago, Asharee said:

Alright, so I am not unhappy with being asexual in the slightest. I love platonic everything, and am grateful for not having to look further than what I already have.

 

But, there are definitely some moments where I wish my brain was wired a little differently. This is only because sexuals seem to save verbal and emotional intimacy for romantic or sexual partners, while I openly share variations of those things with most people I meet. For me, intimacy or excitement comes from learning things about others that they don't confide in anyone else. I want a deep, meaningful and knowledgable connection with most people I meet. And I guess it's just annoying that it can be seen as weird coming from a friend rather than someone they're attracted to.

 

Not to mention, the idea of missing out on seeing a different kind of beauty, emotion, or feeling for/in someone can be frustrating. My inquisitive nature can't help but want to know that extra layer of life that I can't mentally or physically understand. It's like hearing that there's a whole spectrum of colours I've never seen that others can see, and that you're expected to see them.

 

Does anyone else feel the same? 😊

I kind of relate because being ace myself, I feel obliged to answer to people who tell me about their date life "Oh congrats" whereas I have no idea what to say and their spectrum of color is the romantic color where mine is simply wanting to be with friends but asking myself why I never relate to this dating stuff...

[Philip027]

Quote

But, there are definitely some moments where I wish my brain was wired a little differently. This is only because sexuals seem to save verbal and emotional intimacy for romantic or sexual partners, while I openly share variations of those things with most people I meet. For me, intimacy or excitement comes from learning things about others that they don't confide in anyone else. I want a deep, meaningful and knowledgable connection with most people I meet.

I hear ya on most all of this, except that last bit (having that kind of connection with *everyone* I meet is a little too much for an introvert like me...)

 

It always struck me as weird that a number of people use "being intimate" as synonymous with sex.  For me my mind doesn't even go there at all.  It is much more in line with how you describe it.

[Asharee]

12 hours ago, mak said:

My family is always asking when I am going to get a boyfriend and get married, even though I'm only 21. It is frustrating to know that I will probably never get to that point whereas my friends are all settling down and getting married. 

 

Absolutely! I'm 21 too, so I often get told that I just haven't met the right person yet, and my mom often mentions that if I was gay that'd be okay. I think it's hard for others to grasp the idea of no attraction, especially since my sister is naturally attracted to mostly everyone!

 

I think we're lucky in a way because we aren't swindled by some unspeakable attraction, but instead choose our friends by their honest to goodness selves rather than what they look like or how they make us feel towards them, other than platonic appreciation and love 😊❤️

[Asharee]

10 hours ago, oldgeeza said:

I thought, I'm doing this to myself because I don't fit into what society expects or me, bearing in mind, this was back in the 80's, gay people weren't an accepted part of society then, but I just thought, if people can't accept me for who I am, I don't need them in my life, I have the best friends anyone could ever wish for, friends who have stuck by me through all the bad times and good, throughout my self discovery, they have been there for me. 

Of course, I don't know you, but in a way I can't help but feel an immense amount of awe for the bravery and strength you found by allowing yourself to be you, despite what an anti-gay society had to say about what sex had to and should be. There's nothing better than self love, but also being able to find those that accept you no matter what you choose to do with your life! For that, I applaud and congratulate you ❤️😊

[Asharee]

3 hours ago, Philip027 said:

I hear ya on most all of this, except that last bit (having that kind of connection with *everyone* I meet is a little too much for an introvert like me...)

Oh don't worry, I didn't really mean everyone! But I tend to be able to find a bit of intrigue in everyone, at least. I'm more of an observer before I'm forced to socialize and actually ask them about the things I was trying to decipher from the way they talked or dressed 🙈😅

And right? There are so many different types of intimate moments and feelings outside of an intimate, physical closeness. I'm sure people will catch on one day and realize platonic relationships are just as deserving as intrigue and time as romantic/sexual ones! ❤️😊

[Homer]

13 hours ago, Asharee said:

while I openly share variations of those things with most people I meet. For me, intimacy or excitement comes from learning things about others that they don't confide in anyone else. I want a deep, meaningful and knowledgable connection with most people I meet. And I guess it's just annoying that it can be seen as weird coming from a friend rather than someone they're attracted to.

Same here.

 

Yet I don't feel like missing out on anything. I'm not a people person, so I tend to look at the things that I spare myself first the "colours" that I can see are enough for me. I don't think that I need any more. In my experience, feelings are a shitty factor in making decisions anyway.

 

I certainly don't feel "broken", but apart from my Grandma, nobody asks me about relationships. They all know that I'm not interested.

[oldgeeza]

11 minutes ago, Asharee said:

Absolutely! I'm 21 too, so I often get told that I just haven't met the right person yet, and my mom often mentions that if I was gay that'd be okay. I think it's hard for others to grasp the idea of no attraction, especially since my sister is naturally attracted to mostly everyone!

 

I think we're lucky in a way because we aren't swindled by some unspeakable attraction, but instead choose our friends by their honest to goodness selves rather than what they look like or how they make us feel towards them, other than platonic appreciation and love 😊❤️

The larger part of my family, the racist, homophobic side have had nothing to do with me since the end of the 80's, mainly because they think I'm gay, which, as I say, was not okay. They couldn't get their heads around the fact that I'm quite capable of looking but not touching.

 

Rather ironically, my closest friends are mainly women, women that I've grown up with, they're either married or in relationships, they often confide in me, I'm trusted by their husbands and partners because they know that I'm not going to touch, yes I have a cuddle and kiss, but anything more, it just doesn't do it for me. I like intimacy, but I had that when I was in relationships (even though the partners were cheating, I was just too naive to realise that at the time).

 

It seems well, not odd, but strange I suppose is the only way I can put it, that friends can just accept me for who I am and be supportive, yet my family, they're disgusted by me and refuse to have anything to do with me because they assume I'm gay, even if I was, is there anything wrong with being gay? I'm a live and let live person, I have many gay, trans, bi and hetero friends, to me, it's the person that counts, not the looks or sexuality, that's why so many people have hang ups and feel like they're broken is because people judge them on look, sexuality, colour of skin etc

[Asharee]

7 minutes ago, oldgeeza said:

I'm a live and let live person, I have many gay, trans, bi and hetero friends, to me, it's the person that counts, not the looks or sexuality, that's why so many people have hang ups and feel like they're broken is because people judge them on look, sexuality, colour of skin etc

Absolutely. Some people just can't get around negative, pointless, and harmful thinking for whatever reason. I wish it wasn't that way, but luckily there are a lot of us trying to make of for those negative actions and words from others!

[GLRDT]

16 hours ago, Asharee said:

Alright, so I am not unhappy with being asexual in the slightest. I love platonic everything, and am grateful for not having to look further than what I already have.

 

But, there are definitely some moments where I wish my brain was wired a little differently. This is only because sexuals seem to save verbal and emotional intimacy for romantic or sexual partners, while I openly share variations of those things with most people I meet. For me, intimacy or excitement comes from learning things about others that they don't confide in anyone else. I want a deep, meaningful and knowledgable connection with most people I meet. And I guess it's just annoying that it can be seen as weird coming from a friend rather than someone they're attracted to.

 

Not to mention, the idea of missing out on seeing a different kind of beauty, emotion, or feeling for/in someone can be frustrating. My inquisitive nature can't help but want to know that extra layer of life that I can't mentally or physically understand. It's like hearing that there's a whole spectrum of colours I've never seen that others can see, and that you're expected to see them.

 

Does anyone else feel the same? 😊

Um are you me? Because you're kind of freaking me out with the wording you wrote. What you wrote is so similar to what I've written on this site and what I say and how I live my life. It's creepy. Halfway through reading what you wrote I had to remember I didn't write it. I say what you wrote all the time. 

[Wizadora]

 

17 hours ago, Asharee said:

Alright, so I am not unhappy with being asexual in the slightest. I love platonic everything, and am grateful for not having to look further than what I already have.

 

But, there are definitely some moments where I wish my brain was wired a little differently. This is only because sexuals seem to save verbal and emotional intimacy for romantic or sexual partners, while I openly share variations of those things with most people I meet. For me, intimacy or excitement comes from learning things about others that they don't confide in anyone else. I want a deep, meaningful and knowledgable connection with most people I meet. And I guess it's just annoying that it can be seen as weird coming from a friend rather than someone they're attracted to.

 

Not to mention, the idea of missing out on seeing a different kind of beauty, emotion, or feeling for/in someone can be frustrating. My inquisitive nature can't help but want to know that extra layer of life that I can't mentally or physically understand. It's like hearing that there's a whole spectrum of colours I've never seen that others can see, and that you're expected to see them.

 

Does anyone else feel the same? 😊

 

100% yes -especially the wanting close friendships with others and realising that people tend not to want that closeness with someone they're not dating. It is frustrating feeling that you're missing a frame of reference that the majority of people have, and I do sometimes feel left out when I'm part of yet another conversation I can't relate to. 

[Cnyb]

When I've stressed over being different and not comprehending the sexual world, dating game, etc., with all the pressure to be a man and get laid or be pursuing someone etc., yes I've felt broken.  But lately I've been feeling like I'm being fixed, unburdened, healed.

[oldnconfused]

Don't look at yourself as being "broken" Broken gives mind to something that's needs to be fixed. Does it matter that your different? No? Start using the word "unique" instead. You're not like the regular person, but that sets you apart and makes you unique. Perhaps a rare person with much to offer above what the average person cant understand

[Markyw]

On 18/01/2018 at 7:57 AM, oldgeeza said:

Well you're definitely not broken, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, we're all individuals, we all have different thoughts, different feelings, that's what makes us who we are.

 

 I knew I didn't care for sex, I've known that for many years, but I'm an old fart, I thought I was broken, abnormal, a freak of nature, I mean I was in my teens in the 80's, no internet, no real way of finding out all that I know now, especially as I was working long hours back then, I was 40 before I discovered the term asexual, before I knew there were others who had similar feelings towards sex, I assumed there was something more than there actually was to it, I tried sex due to peer pressure, I had two different partners, I had sex maybe 5 times in total, it literally lasted seconds, it felt like hours, I hated it and felt physically sick, thinking the worse, I went on a trail of self destruction, heavy drinking, drugs, I hated myself for a long time, then, one day I just woke up, I felt horrible, I no longer liked this feeling, I thought, I'm doing this to myself because I don't fit into what society expects or me, bearing in mind, this was back in the 80's, gay people weren't an accepted part of society then, but I just thought, if people can't accept me for who I am, I don't need them in my life, I have the best friends anyone could ever wish for, friends who have stuck by me through all the bad times and good, throughout my self discovery, they have been there for me. It wasn't until I was struck down with cancer, I was off work, bored, I bought my first computer, I googled "I don't want or enjoy sex" I was guided to this site, everyone here has helped me to learn more about asexulity, and in turn, more about myself 

Reading your post has really helped me. I do feel broken I have to say. I seem to have come out of the battle of being gay and accepted that with no problem but now I’m coming to terms with being asexual and I’m really struggling with it.......

[oldgeeza]

@Markywyou are who you are, be proud of it, gay, asexual, it doesn't matter to anyone else, it's none of their business, it's yours, you who counts here, my dearest father dragged me around my school by my hair announcing to all the kids at school that I was an "English b*****d pouff and queer, this was back in the 70's when being gay was a big no no, the kids used to kick 7 shades out of me in the name of gay bashing, his opinion would be worse now, me being in my 50's, never been married, not even been in a relationship 1991, never had kids, but, shomeet again, I don't care what he thinks of me, he and his side of the family turned their back on me in 1989, by that time, I'd stopped caring about what he or they thought of me, when people ask me now, I don't care, I'm always honest when I answer because I haven't got a good enough memory to be a liar, I still get judged, long grey hair, longish beard, tattoos, ride a motorbike, long term single, I know people have their opinions, but I tend to think of it this way, whilst they're talking about me, they're leaving everyone else alone, I know that I, like you and everyone else on Aven, Facebook, Twitter, or anywhere online or offline, we're all individual, we all are different to the next person, so you're gay and asexual, I look up to you for saying that you are gay and asexual, I respect you for who you are regardless of your sexuality, or how you look, or how you dress, or where you live etc, you're an individual human being, I'm glad to see you've replied and happy to reply to you, and one bit of advice I'd give you, learn to accept you for you, once you can do that, you'll find that others will do the same, good luck my friend, you're not  you're individual

[StormySky]

I'm cool with the fact that I don't have to deal with sexual dilemmas!  I don't see how people could interprit not innately wanting sex = broken.

Maybe by the harsh words of others?

[Asharee]

@StormySky The reason I say broken is only because in order to convey asexuality to sexuals in my life, I explain that my brain simply isn't wired to make that "attracttion" spark happen. It's nothing negative for me, personally, I just say broken because I sometimes saw it as a lack of electrical wiring that society tended to have! 😊

[AndrewT]

I'll use the term FUBAR

 

But not to do with my asexuality

[Guest]

I would feel even more broken if I didn't feel broken. 

[Asharee]

9 minutes ago, Danger Dove said:

I would feel even more broken if I didn't feel broken. 

That is so true. I'm glad we have a name and a community for ourselves 😊❤️

[StormySky]

24 minutes ago, Asharee said:

@StormySky The reason I say broken is only because in order to convey asexuality to sexuals in my life, I explain that my brain simply isn't wired to make that "attracttion" spark happen. It's nothing negative for me, personally, I just say broken because I sometimes saw it as a lack of electrical wiring that society tended to have! 😊

Oh, makes sense.

[oldgeeza]

18 hours ago, Asharee said:

@StormySky The reason I say broken is only because in order to convey asexuality to sexuals in my life, I explain that my brain simply isn't wired to make that "attracttion" spark happen. It's nothing negative for me, personally, I just say broken because I sometimes saw it as a lack of electrical wiring that society tended to have! 😊

@Asharee, because we're individual, we're all wired up differently, that's why, we're not broken, we're all unique, the one good thing with this site, I've got to meet up with some wonderful individuals over the years I've been on here.

 

I'm glad not to conform to what society sees as "normal" because I feel a lot in society is rather boring, I don't want to be a boring fart

[Girl from the North]

I’m struggling with the thought of never being someone else’s closest person, when they might be mine. Does that make sense? I know that my friends will be there for me when I need them, but they will not necessarily come to me when it is their turn to need someone to talk to. Unless they need to talk about their relationships, in which case I won’t be much help... 😏

[Asharee]

3 hours ago, Girl from the North said:

I’m struggling with the thought of never being someone else’s closest person, when they might be mine. 

That's it for me, as well!! And I find if they ever do pay me too much attention that they might be falling for me, and be hoping for more. It's a fine line, but I think it's possible! 

[mari]

On 19/1/2018 at 3:02 AM, Cnyb said:

When I've stressed over being different and not comprehending the sexual world, dating game, etc., with all the pressure to be a man and get laid or be pursuing someone etc., yes I've felt broken.  But lately I've been feeling like I'm being fixed, unburdened, healed.

Sometimes i think: "why me?" "why am i alone? if i just want to love and to care and recive the same?" But then inmediatly come the answer "why not me?"