Advice on telling my sexual partner I am asexual

[CrinklySpace]

Hello! I am new here and only recently discovered my asexuality. I have been in a relationship for the past 10 years and I really just need advice in telling my boyfriend that I am asexual.

We've had problems surrounding sex because we are on two different wavelengths. He is very sexual and I am pretty neutral on the matter. I really don't need it and I don't really care for it, but I will have sex with him if he wants to. But recently I have just thought of sex as too much to even consider. I am a nursing student and a mother of a three-year-old, so most of my time is spent focusing on those. Because of this, we have had even more problems. I thought that maybe there was something wrong with me, either with my hormones or a low sex drive. Looking into this is how I discovered my asexuality. My attraction to people is either romantic or aesthetic and I really enjoy kissing or cuddling as opposed to anything sexual. Anyway, my boyfriend considers sex a very important factor in a relationship and he is becoming frustrated with us being on different wavelengths. I've always just gone along with whatever he wanted to do just to please him but recently I have been feeling comfortable saying “no” more often than I use to. It's like I realized I'm allowed to say no. I understand that this change in my consent is pretty frustrating and for the most part, he is understanding. But every now and then he gets really upset over it and it turns into a fight. 

I know we need to have a good conversation about all of this but I'm so worried that he will instantly invalidate it or think it's an excuse. I'm just not sure how to go about it in a way that it will make sense to him.

Basically, I just wanted some advice on how to approach the subject and have a good, healthy conversation on it.

[Dean.]

Just tell him, if he feels like you are trying to use it as an aversion tactic, use this sight as a way to help explain it and show that there are people like you out there.

[Telecaster68]

Speaking as a sexual male:

• Frame it very definitely as 'I don't want to have sex with anyone' rather than 'I don't want to have sex with you'. This is a really difficult thing for sexuals to accept, so expect it to take a while to get through. Months, possibly.
• It's not about being busy with work, study and young children. It's an orientation. Just like he doesn't (presumably) fancy men, you don't fancy anybody. It's not going to change.
• He is going to be upset: you've just told him that if you stay together as a family, he's probably not going to have sex again. For a sexual, this is broadly equivalent to never having a conversation with anyone ever again. It also means you've never desired him sexually, which is a massive ego hit for most sexuals.
• Be clear that you not wanting to have sex isn't an indicator your relationship is in trouble. You still love him and want to be with him, just not have sex with him.
• Depending on your actual position, be clear he hasn't been forcing you into sex and he has nothing to feel guilty about.
• Don't get into the nuances of AVEN-esque terminology and labels. It's confusing. Be specific about how you, personally, feel.
• It won't be one conversation and done. It'll be an ongoing issue to deal with, together as a couple.
• Point him towards AVEN's Partners and Allies section if you want.

 

[CrinklySpace]

Thank you all. All of it was very helpful. 

[MrDane]

@CrinklySpace you should read the note from Telecasted a few times and perhaps let your husband take a look on “how to have sex with an asexual” on prismatic entanglement blog.

 

as my wife realized/turned asexual it was a bit like saying that she was never really in love with me. (I know some of the asexuals on aven hates me for pointing out this thing) Now it is like accepting another level of love, which I feared could be the result if she got a bit bored with me as time went by or as her body changed during menopause or if she had some sort of terrible painful disease or if she was raped or if she realized she was molested as a child.  I am still the same love sick puppy and she likes me and thinks I am a good father/husband. Occasionally she lets me have some fun time. We have it solely for my sake, and this even though she occasionally enjoys it (during) as well.

 

You need to consider quite thoroughly what you want to put into the relationship to make a good mutual agreed upon a future solution. If he chooses to leave, then it is not just due to his weakness. 

 

 

[James121]

Tell them as soon as possible or they are not being given the opportunity to make an informed decision about whether being in the relationship is right for them.