Being ok with sexual long term partner fulfilling needs elsewhere

[Emsmess]

Hey there, this is my first time posting and I’m wanting to find out if other asexuals have done this to stay with their partner, has it worked or is it best to move on?

 

I (asexual) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (sexual) for 6 coming on 7 years. About 3 years into the relationship we discovered I am asexual. I have had two other short term partners before him whom I had intercourse with but never enjoyed it so I began our relationship the same way. I enjoy romance (kiss and cuddling) but have never had interest in sex, felt sexually attracted to anyone or felt the need to initiate... in fact (warning: this will sound dumb) I thought women had sex with men to fulfill their needs prior. 

 

Now I know what has really been going down and he has stayed with me regardless however, he cannot bear the idea of never having sex again// having sex with me feels as though I’m obliged. 

He wants to have sex with someone who “wants it.” I know for him sex is completely physical and he would like me to compromise in our relationship by allowing him a sexual partner here and there to fulfill that need of having someone want to fuck him silly. He says romance will be saved exclusively for me.

 

I can’t help but not feel ok with this. It hurts to think of him having sex with someone else but I myself have no desire so it doesn’t seem fair (I am willing to do it with him however it’s not the same).

 

Has anyone had a relationship work by doing this for their sexual partner so they can be happy and not tense? How did you change your mindset or what are your thoughts having this happen for your partner and you to be happy? I understand it will take pressure off me to feel the need to have sex/ enjoy the romance.

[roland.o]

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, Emsmess! Have some cake...

 

You will find some discussions about mixed relationships, including successful examples, in this sub-forum:

https://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/30-for-sexual-partners-friends-and-allies/

 

[Philip027]

This isn't the sort of thing you can just will yourself to be okay with if you're not.  Numerous people have tried expanding their mixed relationship to "poly" as an attempt at a sort of bandaid (under very similar circumstances to what you're in; just take a thorough look in the sexual P/F/A section of the forums here and you'll find some stories), but this tends to just not work out in the end if *both* participants aren't already poly-inclined to begin with, and it sounds like you are not.

 

Honestly, unless your partner already knows he is, he might even discover himself (once/if he does find someone else to have sex with) that it's not all it's cracked up to be either, because it's just not the same unless it's with their romantic partner.  That's happened a lot too.