Signs you're sex repulsed?

[Tyger Songbird]

Are there any other sex-repulsed aces out there? I need your help, please.

 

So, let me explain myself. 

 

For the longest time, I didn't know who I was or what I was. I felt really lost in a world where sex rules everything, it seems. I had friends who were all about trying to get some, and I was just not into it at all. I was not really comfortable being around them. So, I tended to hang alone, and be by myself because I didn't want to go out with them and face the peer pressure all the while. I hung by myself quite a lot in high school and in college, and to this day as a 27-year-old male, I still am a loner.

 

I felt alone and alienated, being a guy who wasn't interested in having sex with anyone. I didn't want to have any part of it. Better yet, I felt scared and terrified of it as well. Often enough, people thought I was crazy or weird, and I even agreed with what they were saying. That is, until I came across a video on asexuality on youtube. I was not really certain, but it sounded like me. I weighed it out, and have been continually weighing it out since 20. I didn't know for sure. After all, I had never had sex. I felt a little bit lost and felt scared to identify myself that way. After all, what would everybody think of me? However, now I feel more certain than ever that I am asexual. I feel more certain than ever.

 

It's like a brand new joy for me. I have finally felt like I found a place I belong really. I finally feel like I'm not weird or alone. I'm glad.  

 

However, the story doesn't end there.

 

As I began researching about asexuality, I came across this thing: sex repulsion. I was reading into it, and what I was reading seemed to really resonate with me. it sure sounded a whole lot like me. 

 

I have never really felt comfortable with sex before in my life. I used to be called a prude a whole lot during school, because I wasn't ever into sex or anything people think of as "fun". I tended to stay back from people, and I tend to keep to myself really. And most of all, sex tends to make me physically nervous, like I'm feeling sick way. 

 

I get sick whenever the topic of sex comes up. For me, if someone was like saying they wanted to have sex with me or something, I would almost faint. I mean, I don't want to say this to make fun of it, but for me someone trying to have sex with me makes me feel like rape.  I would never want to do it. I mean, I do get sometimes weird physical erections and stuff (which  feel horrible and grody to me along with confusing), but I don't want to have any part of sex ever. I feel so apprehensive thinking about it. My heart pounds and I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack. Some may say that I'm being overdramatic, but I really feel that way. My stomach feels sick thinking about it now.

 

However, i don't know if that is sex repulsion. Do I sound sex repulsed? Are there any aces here that are sex-repulsed? So, what is sex repulsion? Please help if you would.

[Always looking for answers]

Welcome to Aven!

Yeah, your experience sounds like sex repulsion. I describe it as feeling disgusted by the thought of having sex. I feel shivers down my spine by the thought of sex. Partly because I think genitals are really ugly and they smell awful, and partly because the action of having sex itself disgusts me. I also don't get why people make jokes about sex all the time, why they think it's important enough to talk about it and I also think the way society is sex focussed is problematic.
 

[Haze.]

You do sound sex-repulsed.

 

I am sex-repulsed, and that physical aversion to sex is a big part of it for me. If you want more testimony from sex-repulsed aces, maybe check this thread out.

 

There is some pretty gross TMI stuff in there, but I think it’s all TWed, so just skip over it if you’re uncomfortable. You may be interested in this thread for sex-repulsed aces:

 

[Tyger Songbird]

56 minutes ago, Always looking for answers said:

Welcome to Aven!

Yeah, your experience sounds like sex repulsion. I describe it as feeling disgusted by the thought of having sex. I feel shivers down my spine by the thought of sex. Partly because I think genitals are really ugly and they smell awful, and partly because the action of having sex itself disgusts me. I also don't get why people make jokes about sex all the time, why they think it's important enough to talk about it and I also think the way society is sex focussed is problematic.
 

Yeah, I feel the exact same way that you do really. I could never even think of having sex really. I get scared (not really because of STIs and stuff), but because I don't want to do such a thing. First off, I don't want to be a horndog hunting for sex like everyone you see on TV. That seems demeaning and degrading to me. I'm not a Lothario or some sex maniac the way society wants you to be. It's rather gross to me. Honestly, being a guy in this world is so alienating, as everyone else thinks it's weird that you're not all hopped up on sex like everyone else is. I think it's silly. I don't get it. Why can't we just get together over Yahtzee or something? That sounds like a great bonding experience. A game of Yahtzee. Anyone agree?

[Tyger Songbird]

3 hours ago, OptimisticPessimist said:

Welcome .

 

What your describing and how you feel does sound like sex repulsion. I’m sex repulsed when it comes to myself.

 

Sex repulsion is finding sex or sexual things reupulsive, so this can be sex in a general sense, sex in movies, shows etc or just the thought of yourself engaging in sexual stuff. It can be everything to do with sex too.

Oh, I really hate seeing sex in every show. I don't want to know what people are doing and all that. It's like "keep that away from my brain, TMI!" I don't want in any way to know about that stuff. My gosh! And seeing sex just scares me, in general. It's a paralysis I feel whenever sex starts happening. I don't want to know about it. Just leave me alone.

 

It's very isolating when you're in a culture that glorifies and worships sex to no terminus. My Gosh, how lonesome it is! It's like being the one black skittle in the bag. I honestly wish sex weren't such a huge deal to everyone. Why can't love or friendship be special too?

[Always looking for answers]

6 hours ago, tygersongbird said:

Honestly, being a guy in this world is so alienating, as everyone else thinks it's weird that you're not all hopped up on sex like everyone else is. I think it's silly. I don't get it. Why can't we just get together over Yahtzee or something? That sounds like a great bonding experience. A game of Yahtzee. Anyone agree?

I can imagine it's even worse for men, as you describe it. And movies/tv shows aren't really helping. Almost every sitcom has a guy obsessed about sex (Joey in Friends, Holowitz in The Big Bang Theory, Barney in How I Met Your mother). I remember an episode in Friends where Ross is out to have sex because he hadn't had sex in half a year and he was so desperate that he did the craziest shit to get some, and when a date didn't go as planned he started whining to his make friends again. When I saw the episode all I could think of was how pathetic he was. 

 

Yahtzee sounds great! Tabletop games are a great way to socialize  

[arekathevampyre]

for me , I feel grossed out in these stuff in general . Of course , physically repulsed too .  

[Tyger Songbird]

5 hours ago, Always looking for answers said:

I can imagine it's even worse for men, as you describe it. And movies/tv shows aren't really helping. Almost every sitcom has a guy obsessed about sex (Joey in Friends, Holowitz in The Big Bang Theory, Barney in How I Met Your mother). I remember an episode in Friends where Ross is out to have sex because he hadn't had sex in half a year and he was so desperate that he did the craziest shit to get some, and when a date didn't go as planned he started whining to his make friends again. When I saw the episode all I could think of was how pathetic he was. 

 

Yahtzee sounds great! Tabletop games are a great way to socialize  

Yeah, it just seems weird to me honestly that certain people will make it such a huge deal to finally have sex because they haven't had sex in like 3 weeks. I was like, "What?" It just seems really kooky to me over all of this. I don't know. 

 

It just helps to breed the notion that men are like dogs (woof, woof) who will hump the leg of anything really, along with never having a concern for love.  It is really strange how sex makes a person human, yet the asexual characters are somehow yahoos. Just weird.

 

Oh, and ping pong for the win! And clue!

[EggplantWitch]

If you're repulsed by the idea of sex you are probably sex-repulsed

 

But in seriousness, as you now seem to be sure of, you do sound pretty repulsed to me. I'm repulsed too and felt almost exactly the same way you do when I was younger. It's just.... eurgh. How can someone who claims to love you ever want to inflict that upon you? For me personally the repulsion stems from the penetration aspect, and over time I've become less anxious and horrified to the point that maybe for the right person I could maybe try some sex stuff that doesn't involve things being inserted into me >.> It was a slow and not at all deliberate process but it has been a relief, and reading about the experiences of others on AVEN was a big part of it.

[Tyger Songbird]

17 hours ago, arekathevampyre said:

for me , I feel grossed out in these stuff in general . Of course , physically repulsed too .  

Me too.

[Tyger Songbird]

7 hours ago, EggplantWitch said:

If you're repulsed by the idea of sex you are probably sex-repulsed

 

But in seriousness, as you now seem to be sure of, you do sound pretty repulsed to me. I'm repulsed too and felt almost exactly the same way you do when I was younger. It's just.... eurgh. How can someone who claims to love you ever want to inflict that upon you? For me personally the repulsion stems from the penetration aspect, and over time I've become less anxious and horrified to the point that maybe for the right person I could maybe try some sex stuff that doesn't involve things being inserted into me >.> It was a slow and not at all deliberate process but it has been a relief, and reading about the experiences of others on AVEN was a big part of it.

Ok. I can respect that for sure. I mean, I am glad that you are going through the process and that it is relieving for you. I'm glad you feel the way you do about yourself. I could use a bit of relief myself because I personally am prone to having a major heart attack at even the mention of sex. It's like having anxiety grip your chest, and it never lets go. I often faint or pass out due to the overwhelming anxiety. My heart feels like I'm going to explode. It is scary for me.  

 

I should have 911 on standby. I go through this almost every single day.

 

And anything like that really sets me off. Just talking about sex or being in sexual environments really petrify me. Being around people who are like really sexual or are like trying to be hunt you sexual is scary for me. 

 

A naked person can really scare me, and that is why I never liked to change in locker rooms. Having others see me naked is for sure terrifying. I don't want them to see me like that.. So, why would I want to see a naked male and definitely a naked female? And it would make me so scared if they were naked in front of me too. It would be mortifying. I don't even like it whenever I get like, a "stiffy" or an "boner". I hate getting erections as a guy. Naked people just terrify the living daylights out of me. It's just too close to sex, and I don't want to go that route. I cannot. I simply just cannot.

 

Why can't we, for the love of it all, just keep our clothes on and our privates covered? Why is covering up such a controversy like I'm trying to be mean? I'm not trying to be mean. I just don't want to see anyone like that!

 

I have had major panic attacks from people talking about what they do during sex in front of me. I'm afraid that they are going to ask me about my nonexistent sex life for sure, but I just get seriously grossed out by everything related to sex. I get frightening even thinking about sex, really. i feel as if my chest is going to explode from it all. I am so terrified. 

 

I am just so unnerved by everything being a sexual topic. I've been this way since I was younger. I remember back in high school, I was like the only virgin in the entire group in high school. A lot of classmates in high school thought it was something funny to conceivably play a little joke on me. They got this really "wild" girl I knew in high school to come up to me, and basically what she would do was touch me. She at one point ran her hand up my thigh, and I jumped back immediately, telling her to quit. Everyone in the room started to laugh at me and make fun of me, because here I was turning down this girl trying to accost me. 

 

I guess this is where I get my rape fear from. I wonder if that's what male rape victims go through, honestlly. It basically felt like I was violated every time she would do that, and she never stopped. It was forced against my will the whole way. I didn't want it, but I couldn't stop her. It was mean and evil. Plus, guys were cheering it on like it was funny or great to be harassed. Nope!

 

I had never felt so humiliated before in my life. I hope it never happens again.

 

It made me feel very upset that people were deeming me weird because I wasn't interesting in sex like they all were. I remember one day they were talking about condoms of all things! In class! I was like, "How is this appropriate for school?" I guess I was the prudish one. All these people were talking about all these different types of condoms and stuff. Here I was, the demure and prim one, with all this information flying over my head. All those feelings of intense anxiety hit me. I didn't even know what Durex was or anything. I thought it was like a laundry detergent. I mean, how was I supposed to know? Call it lack of sex ed, but I didn't even know how to put a condom on. I still don't know really. I've never tried to, and haven't even seen one before. So, I don't know. 

 

That being said, I was really freaking out because it was another topic of sex that was bringing me into nightmare (no, I wasn't molested). I felt highly frightened, because it seemed like they were expecting me to really talk or something about this like I'm some expert or something. Or perhaps a horny teen gallivanting. People thought that I was weird because of it, too. Why am I not some wild teen like everyone else? Why had I never drank, smoke, or had sex like that's what kids are supposed to be? Why am I so "proper?" and "conservative"? OK. Polly Purebred, you're weird.

 

I was a misfit royally.Being a prude (as they called me) is not the type that's going to win you lots of people. High school was the worst for my social years. I spent it mostly alone, especially Junior and Senior year. I felt like I was in some sort of foreign country. I had no idea what was going on, and I felt so alone as myself. And the worst part was everyone thought I was weird because I wasn't doing anything sexual. People thought I was tripping. I was like Webster to most, being black and so nerdy. I got called a lot of names. A lot of the people thought I was just being "prudish", or was just so "uptight" and "frigid". Other said I just "need to get laid"-people still say that to me, by the way. Those comments really insulted me to no end. 

 

However, the one thing I wonder now is whether I can truly deny their truth. And the answer is that I cannot. I know for sure that I am in particular scared of sex, and in a sense am freaked out by physical contact. So, is it possible I am this "uptight prude" who is the one that needs help? Am I the one who's the problem and not everyone else?

 

Well, let's examine this guy wholesale and do a biopic of me.

 

Technically, this super-scared guy is 27, lives at home with his folks, and he works a rather menial job that he doesn't even feel confident he does well. He has no real-life contacts except for mom and dad, and he doesn't really go out anywhere. There's not much to do as a "party of one" in a couples world, and bars and clubs are not his "thing". It's not for him.

 

He's a shy, quiet guy, and he's a bit on the socially awkward side. He gets along with people, and people seem to like him for the most part. He's a nice guy. However, people tend to see him as lacking assertiveness. He's too passive, really. He doesn't have that domineering personality. He's been told many times he needs to be more confident, and even he feels like he lacks a certain conviction to him. He's timid, often living in shell of fear, it seems.

 

He's been told that he lives in his head a lot. He's a nerdy guy. He loves books, board games, arcade games, crime shows (48 hours!), and game shows (The Weakest Link is awesome!), but he doesn't really have much in friends because of that. Also, because of that, he spends most of his life alone, as the typical loner, in a world filled with couples and dude-bros. He spends his weekends on the computer in his room, watching Jeopardy! He's the one guy content to stand alone all the while, while the rest look for love and overall sex. He's the misfit, an anomaly who is best categorized as abnormal.

 

Gosh, I feel like a national geographic special on a rare and endangered species, honestly.

 

All I know now is that I am the misfit in this world ultimately right now, and I really don't feel good about that. 

 

However, I like who I am as a person. I like me personally. I just hate how everybody views me because of it. It's like "Can I just be me, please?" I like staying myself, so why don't you like me?

 

I don't want to ever have sex, and I hope that no one ever tries to make me do it either. If it's force, it's rape, you know. But will I always be the weird one in this world, forever misunderstood? I have no idea. Man, I am feeling another heart attack hit me right now. It's powerful this time.

[sldkifijenslk]

It does sound like you are sex-repulsed. There's nothing wrong with it! I am too, but not as much as you are. I'm sorry to hear about how other people have treated you because of it.

I think a lot of people think asexual and sex-repulsed people are abnormal and odd because of the highly sexualized culture we live in. Looking back in history, especially before the sexual revolution, sex was a much more taboo topic and asexual behavior was viewed as more normal since it was not unusual. I think that's part of the reason "asexuality" is a pretty new term. We've always been around, but there's never been more of a need for the word than there is now.

(Also, I love that Martin Luther quote! I've never heard it before.)

[Tyger Songbird]

18 hours ago, MelDanielle said:

It does sound like you are sex-repulsed. There's nothing wrong with it! I am too, but not as much as you are. I'm sorry to hear about how other people have treated you because of it.

I think a lot of people think asexual and sex-repulsed people are abnormal and odd because of the highly sexualized culture we live in. Looking back in history, especially before the sexual revolution, sex was a much more taboo topic and asexual behavior was viewed as more normal since it was not unusual. I think that's part of the reason "asexuality" is a pretty new term. We've always been around, but there's never been more of a need for the word than there is now.

(Also, I love that Martin Luther quote! I've never heard it before.)

Oh, thank you. Yeah, I am really glad that you liked it. It's one of my favorite quotes by Martin Luther. Love it. So, thank you so much. And maybe you're right. In this sexualized culture, anyone who isn't into sex automatically deems you some sort of weirdo. That's lousy for sure. I mean, I remember when the "sex bracelets" were in style, and everyone was trying to do acts to get the next color by doing all these acts. So, I remember what that was like. I know now. It's just another sign of being a misfit. Being sexually repulsed is super hard in this culture that features KY jelly commercials on all the time. I mean, I've never even seen a condom before. I just look away when I go to the convenience store if they're in eyesight view. The thought of buying a condom super scary to me, since I know what they're for.

 

Aren't condoms like a precursor signal that they're hoping for sex or something? I'm not interested in that! I don't want to even think of why I'd have to have one or better yet using one. That would freak me out, and I prefer my mental sanity over everything. Ugh!

 

Sometimes I feel as if I don't belong here, like being stuck in a prison or something. I feel like I shouldn't be born here. I wish I weren't many days.

[everywhere and nowhere]

It definitely sounds like sex repulsion to me. It's OK. One shouldn't give in to either of the two opposite stereotypes - with stereotype A saying that all aces are sex-repulsed (false) and stereotype B saying, on the contrary, that only sex-indifferent people are "truly asexual" and those with a level of active aversion Have A Problem instead (false as well).

I am myself, too, on the sex repulsion spectrum, though I prefer calling myself sex-averse, not sex-repulsed - I'm not repulsed by sex in general, I can get aroused by imagining SWIM* having sex as long as it's 100% consensual and vanilla. But I absolutely can't tolerate the idea of personally having sex. It feels frightening. It feels like violence. It feels like something that should never ever happen. And I'm unlikely to be able to try any form of sex because my first barrier is very close - I just couldn't be naked or even semi-naked with someone else. But it's OK too. I accept my sex aversion and wouldn't want to change, in fact I am to some extent proud of not having sex in this culture of compulsory sexuality.

 

 

*SWIM stands for "Someone Who Isn't Me". Widely used in drug communities to avoid "publicly pleading guilty" of drug use.

[Tyger Songbird]

On 1/19/2018 at 1:20 PM, Nowhere Girl said:

It definitely sounds like sex repulsion to me. It's OK. One shouldn't give in to either of the two opposite stereotypes - with stereotype A saying that all aces are sex-repulsed (false) and stereotype B saying, on the contrary, that only sex-indifferent people are "truly asexual" and those with a level of active aversion Have A Problem instead (false as well).

I am myself, too, on the sex repulsion spectrum, though I prefer calling myself sex-averse, not sex-repulsed - I'm not repulsed by sex in general, I can get aroused by imagining SWIM* having sex as long as it's 100% consensual and vanilla. But I absolutely can't tolerate the idea of personally having sex. It feels frightening. It feels like violence. It feels like something that should never ever happen. And I'm unlikely to be able to try any form of sex because my first barrier is very close - I just couldn't be naked or even semi-naked with someone else. But it's OK too. I accept my sex aversion and wouldn't want to change, in fact I am to some extent proud of not having sex in this culture of compulsory sexuality.

 

 

*SWIM stands for "Someone Who Isn't Me". Widely used in drug communities to avoid "publicly pleading guilty" of drug use.

What I really despise is that you are somehow "screwed in the head" if you are uncomfortable. Like to be normal is to be sexually "adventurous" or "provocative". Better yet, expressive and freaky. People still operate in life that everyone wants sex and longs for it. Like all that matters in life is whether you are "getting some" and are "hot" and "sexy". That's all that matters to them.

 

They say that if you don't have this appetite for sex, well something's missing or wrong with you.

 

It's like being unbridled and extreme is to be something special. You have to "sow your wild oats" or something. That's the expectation, and that's what makes you cool and trendy. Anyone who isn't like that is lame to them.

 

We say that those who are like sex-driven, provocative, and suggestive are the cool, confident ones. Being unabashed, raunchy, and salacious are the fun and hip types. Then those who aren't like that and aren't all into sex are made to be boring and losers, deemed backwards really. Like if you're not provocative, spontaneous, and impulsive you are somehow loopy and wacky. That or horribly and hideously ugly. It is messed up. However, to many it is that way, and what's worse is that you are instantly dismissed as a friend or whatever. I don't know.

 

I mean, why else do we call people "prudes", "conservative", "inhibited", "homely", "uptight" and "repressed" along with a host of other insults? Honestly, all the time I was called uptight and frigid in school. I was always laughed at because people said I was prissy and a "goody-goody two shoes" for being a nice guy who never got in trouble. I'm always branded that, every time. This culture definitely alienates me and makes me feel alone all the time. I guess I'm destined to be alone, really.  I spend my days alone, anyway. I don't see that changing anytime soon either. I'd rather die than conform to this sexual world. I guess I'll stand alone, forever. I don't want to sell my soul ever, and I love my asexual life. People just need to accept us, in my opinion, not the other way around. Sorry if I come across as angry. I'm just frustrated by all this hypersexed society and life in general.

[Chibe90]

On 1/16/2018 at 7:37 PM, Hazel_Elise said:

You do sound sex-repulsed.

 

I am sex-repulsed, and that physical aversion to sex is a big part of it for me. If you want more testimony from sex-repulsed aces, maybe check this thread out.

 

There is some pretty gross TMI stuff in there, but I think it’s all TWed, so just skip over it if you’re uncomfortable. You may be interested in this thread for sex-repulsed aces:

 

my night would have been better served not clicking that first link, jeez bodily fluids galore.

[asexyandcurious]

I think the most important sign is that you find sex to be repulsive and unnappealing, disgusting in a way. for a long time the act of sex between two sexuals has been sickening for me, every time I think about I am like.. ew

[Tyger Songbird]

2 hours ago, asexyandcurious said:

I think the most important sign is that you find sex to be repulsive and unnappealing, disgusting in a way. for a long time the act of sex between two sexuals has been sickening for me, every time I think about I am like.. ew

I've said the same thing. It's probably why I've never been able to touch other people like that. I know that like touching is like a big deal for people, and they tend to take touching in forms of sex or whatnot. I know like most people I've met are just hot to trot, so I make sure not to let any signals happen to where it could escalate to sex situations. I guess I'm cold that way. Most people consider me a bit of a refrigerator in that regard. Sorry, touching makes me completely uncomfortable. So, I don't tend to touch people and I don't let them touch me either. I'm pretty much touch-avoidant really. I don't want anything to be confused with sex at all, and touching people in certain areas can trigger sexual reactions really, and I don't want that. So, I just don't touch people.

[Tyger Songbird]

 

23 hours ago, Chibe90 said:

my night would have been better served not clicking that first link, jeez bodily fluids galore.

 

Yup, I could say that for sure. I just avoid sex and all things related to it most days. Hey, maybe I'm sex avoidant or aversive. I don't know.  Does that exist? It sounds better than being called "an uptight prude", wouldn't you say?

[Haze.]

On 19/01/2018 at 9:22 PM, Chibe90 said:

my night would have been better served not clicking that first link, jeez bodily fluids galore.

I said it was gross.  Sorry.

[Janus the Fox]

Repulsed with anxieties with sex is common and normal.

[Tyger Songbird]

2 hours ago, Janus DarkFox said:

Repulsed with anxieties with sex is common and normal.

Yeah, but tell that to the culture at large. They make you seem like you've grown a 3rd head, and that you're irregular and aberrant. Yeah. Tell the culture that you don't want to have sex, and they will instantly see you as a fractured person who needs fixing. Say that nudity terrifies you and they will bully and make you the laughingstock of everything. They will make you the backwards nutjob. Tell that to culture.

[Give me a break..]

Just hearing or reading the word 'SEX' makes me SICK.

[NickyTannock]

@Give me a break.. Welcome to AVEN!

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Coffee Break Cake,

[NickyTannock]

This thread has not been active for a long time and is now being locked. If anyone would like to discuss this topic further, feel free to start a new thread about it.
 
Michael Tannock,
Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator.