On the question of consent

[Pessimistic Protagonist]

So my sexuality is still a recent discovery for me since I don't feel sexual attraction but still have a desire for sex. The issue is that quite often, I'm unable to predetermine if I can maintain that desire during the act or if it will end up leaving me (which most of the time it does). As frustrating as it is for me to deal with it, it's not difficult for me to completely lose motivation. I still want my partner, who is sexual, to enjoy having sex with me but can only do so much on my own part. What upset my partner, however, is that they saw themselves as selfish for wanting sex despite knowing that it isn't something that is natural for me. They felt as if they were forcing me and that I was only doing the act because I felt the obligation to. I tried explaining that it is hard for me to understand whether or not I truly want to have sex since I can't predict whether or not I will be able to follow through since that desire can change within an instant. I am still consenting to the act, but I understand that sometimes I may no longer want to or am completely unable to continue. I'm wondering if anyone else has faced a similar problem and what they did to deal with it. I really love my partner, and want the best for them. It's just a subject that I feel that I need to properly address with them.

[Guest]

My partner and I have an agreement that if at any time, even during something, one of us stops being into it or we don't actually want what we agreed to after it starts, we say so. And it stops. That way there is no worry of consent, as it can be withdrawn at any time if the desire for it is gone. 

 

Perhaps you could come up with a safe word for "OK, I thought I wanted this but turns out I really don't"? Or just use the basic ones - Red means stop, not OK with this anymore. Yellow means go slow, this is approaching red if we aren't careful. And green means yes, want this, keep going. 

 

I don't blame your partner for not being OK if your desire goes away. I can't do anything sensual or sexual if my partner isn't totally into it... it just feels wrong, even if they were willing to consent to it. 

[James121]

I think if your desire and ultimately your enthusiastic consent can be withdrawn at any point (even during) it’s a very very dangerous thing for you to be having sex full stop. It would cause me to feel on constant edge if my sexual partner was like this as I would lose all the enjoyment as I would simply be wondering if I am going to be accused or categorised as a rapist.

[Pessimistic Protagonist]

That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid. Like it's reached a point that they are questioning whether or not they should bother in the first place which is scary. And I also hate that they are putting blame on themself when it's my fault. I would like to get a clear answer right away but I can't predict what will happen since very often it does end up coming to a complete stop for me. At this point, I don't even know if I should bother and it hurts since I know that they enjoy sex.

[Telecaster68]

Maybe you could frame it this way to them: 'We both agree I can change my mind about having sex at any time, so that means all the time I'm not withdrawing consent, I'm giving consent, even if I don't look like it to you. I'm a grown adult and I know what I'm about, and I'll make it very, very clear if I change my mind.'

 

In relationships with two sexuals, they'll probably be immersed in sharing their enjoyment of each other, and often asexuals can find that immersion elusive, which sexuals tend to interpret as not enjoying sex and not wanting to do it (because that would probably the case in a sexual person). Your boyfriend needs to understand that doesn't apply with you, which will probably take a lot of getting used to. It's understandable he gets upset, but in the end, that's his issue to deal with, not yours, though of course you'll be supportive and reassuring.

[James121]

1 hour ago, Pessimistic Protagonist said:

That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid. Like it's reached a point that they are questioning whether or not they should bother in the first place which is scary. And I also hate that they are putting blame on themself when it's my fault. I would like to get a clear answer right away but I can't predict what will happen since very often it does end up coming to a complete stop for me. At this point, I don't even know if I should bother and it hurts since I know that they enjoy sex.

You have a very very tricky and complex issue to overcome but what is definitely positive is that you have recognised how this may make him feel too. With that in mind, assuming your honesty and empathy continue you have every chance of overcoming the issue. He also has to have the same level of honesty and empathy too though. Good luck!

[Pessimistic Protagonist]

2 hours ago, James121 said:

You have a very very tricky and complex issue to overcome but what is definitely positive is that you have recognised how this may make him feel too. With that in mind, assuming your honesty and empathy continue you have every chance of overcoming the issue. He also has to have the same level of honesty and empathy too though. Good luck!

Thank you, it's definitely going to take some time to overcome but we have a lot in common personallity wise so I don't doubt that we will be able to. I just want the best for them and want them to know that I put an effort. Also to clear things up a bit, my partner is a women and I'm a guy so I apologise for not mentioning that beforehand.