I'm confused

[LameQueen]

So I've been super confused about my gender lately. I was biologically born a female, but recently it just doesn't feel right. 

 

I like traditionally "feminine" things. For example, I like massages and spoiling myself, but I hate things such as makeup, nail polish, dresses, and pink. I act like the "mom" of the group, which is something more females do than males due to their nurturing instincts and jazz. I am also shy and studious. 

 

But I also act like a boy. I am competitive, and loud around my friends. I also like rough housing and getting dirty, and playing video games such as COD and racing games. But I don't want to have muscles, or be the stereotypical jock like most trans men. (Yes, I do know that this statement probably doesn't apply to most trans men, but all of the people I've seen have been like this.) 

 

I have tried the "look into your future and what do you see?" stuff, and honestly it hasn't worked. Sometimes I see a boy, but sometimes I see a girl. I know I'm not genderfluid, or nonbinary, in anyway though. 

 

I'm probably just a really masculine girl, but I don't nessecarily want to be a female. But at the same time, I don't want to be a boy, yet I don't want to be nonbinary. And again, I'm not agender (yes I know it's nonbinary but I figured I might as well say it.) 

 

Honestly, I want to have a male's body, but one that's like... I can't think of a good example... Um I guess, thin? Ooh! Like Marco Diaz from Star vs. the Forces of Evil. Or Dipper Pines from Gravity Falls. Something that's generally considered nerdy, I guess. And this is a problem because I'm really curvy. No, I'm not bragging I frigging hate my body because I weigh way too much for my age and dieting and working out regularly isn't working. 

 

I really want to look somewhat like that, but I don't know if I could ever really fit in. I think I'm just too feminine, and I'm scared I'm not masculine enough. It's like half of me wants to be trans, and the other half doesn't. 

 

Maybe be its just internalized homophobia? I live in a community big enough for people not to care, but my family and school seem pretty homophobic. It's probably just me knowing I will never pass and being scared of people's reactions. But still, some part of me still want to be a girl, some part of me wants to be a boy, and most of me is just in a constant state of hate for myself. Maybe this is just a phase and my brain decided it was cool to be trans? (It's totally not, I love and respect so many of my trans internet friends.)

 

 

 

[Harmony12]

I'm not an expert on this or anything, but maybe you're bigender? I know someone who is, and the "half of me wants to be trans and the other half doesn't" sounds like that could be the case. Hope this helps!

[Ortanique]

See, as rough as my words may seem, this a thing you need to think more, for yourself; by yourself.

No one can actually tell you what you are, or what you want to be. That's a thing only you know, maybe you haven't discovered it yet, but it's there, somewhere, inside you. 

 

I know you said you don't think you're non-binary, but from what you have explained you're either genderfluid or bigender, which falls under non-binary umbrella.

 

[Just Somebody]

Maybe you just want to be a gender non-conforming cisgirl who rejects her biological female body.

 

 

But  could also be a feminine transboy.

 

 

There's no such thing as "trasness level" if you wake up tomorrow and for some unknown reason desire to say "I'm a boy ", you're one , and that's it, you're not obligated to be masculine,  to transition, to proof no bullshit to Noone.

 

It's also fine if sometimes you desire to say "I'm a girl" or to desire to not say anything at all or maybe just say "I'm a person". I would consider genderfluidity.

 

You really do seem scared of experimenting and changing,  and that's what gender is all about, it's always changing, gender roles are always changing and it's also OK to change your gender identity from time to time.

 

 

 

 

(and srly, b*tch pleeeeeasse,  if you think that just bc the "regular" ftm dudes are all manly and athletic and so you'll turn into one, I have bad news for you,  if you wait sitted in a couch for a magic t-boy fairygldmother, youll probably wait your whole life, I'm sure nothings gonna happen)

 

Anyway you should treat your internalized transphobia and misogyny, first.