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Should I tell my girlfriend I am Asexual even if I am not completely sure?


El95

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Sorry If I make mistakes since English is not my first language.

I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years, and I am happy with it, however, I recently found out I may be asexual. I have been thinking about it for several weeks and I want to tell my girlfriend about it since she is the person I trust the most, but I am afraid that telling her this may affect her in a negative way. I am convinced I should tell her at some point, but I am not sure if should do it now or wait until I am completely sure. 

So far I am happy with our sex life, we don't do a lot and don't do it that often, and she seems to be okay with, but that may change in the future. I am willing to keep doing it in order to make her happy. But If things are going well, why should tell her in the first place?

What do you think?

Should I tell my girlfriend I am Asexual even if I am not completely sure?

Thank you

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Like everything in life, there are two sides to this issue. One side raises a whole host of questions when it comes to asexuality. You mention uncertainty in your claim to asexuality. How uncertain are you? If it is wholly uncertain, I would reflect on the matter further before having any conversations with your girlfriend. If you are asexual, have you thought how much that would affect your relationship? You say your sex life is acceptable to you (I assume you are not sex-repulsed) but I wonder how she feels. Does she wish for more or less? If it is more, are you prepared to deliver more? Or are you near your limit? How much would you be willing to sacrifice for the relationship? How will you convey love to her that sexuals portray physically? To sum it up--how will you replace sexual desire for your girlfriend in a way that is conducive and healthy for you? Before you tell her, be certain and be clear on what asexuality means for you.

 

The second side addresses her angle. Do you wish to tell her for your benefit or her benefit? Every relationship requires a modicum of selfishness in order to avoid burn out or consumption. However, relationship-changing news requires well thought out plans that consider as many tangles as it can. Imagine her position--her girl/boyfriend of three years reveals (s)he feels no sexual desire for her (or anyone--but that is a minor point. She will process all of this information in the way it affects her). As a sexual woman, that will have a negative impact on some level. You do love her in other ways but for most sexuals, feeling and being desired is a huge component of the relationship. Objectification is actually vital to most sexual relationships. If she does not feel desired or if she feels that she coerced sex from you, she will feel shame and guilt. Are you prepared to handle these emotions? Will she feel safe and open to discuss this matter with you? Many sexuals are unaware asexuality is even possible and many (wrongly) assume a partner's asexuality is a reflection of his or her own attractiveness. Logic is not the reigning principle in this matter. It is all heart.

 

I applaud and support your decision to ultimately tell her. I realize my questions may be tough to translate to English properly. However from the information given, I would first be certain in my asexual identity and then I would really ponder what this means for me and for her. Last, I would consult this forum for coming out stories and asexual relationships to both seek support and look for any questions you may have missed. I apologize if that's a long list, but I urge caution. As always, kindness, patience, and empathy are your three best friends in this situation. I wish you the best of luck.

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35 minutes ago, El95 said:

Sorry If I make mistakes since English is not my first language.

I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years, and I am happy with it, however, I recently found out I may be asexual. I have been thinking about it for several weeks and I want to tell my girlfriend about it since she is the person I trust the most, but I am afraid that telling her this may affect her in a negative way. I am convinced I should tell her at some point, but I am not sure if should do it now or wait until I am completely sure. 

So far I am happy with our sex life, we don't do a lot and don't do it that often, and she seems to be okay with, but that may change in the future. I am willing to keep doing it in order to make her happy. But If things are going well, why should tell her in the first place?

What do you think?

Should I tell my girlfriend I am Asexual even if I am not completely sure?

Thank you

I think it is only fair to let her know about your thougths. It could also be a puzzle for her. No need to say it in a more certain manner as you did here. It is fine to let her know that you are questioning the issue. Could also be very important to know that you love her and that nothing is wrong with her either. 

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Well, I suggest that you look for a way you want to actualize your sexuality:

  • [you have found a way] tell her a way you want to actualize your sexuality
  • [you have not found a way] tell her that you have noticed your asexuality

After first/second route, you together decide the future of your relationship.

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I don't see a need to make this overly complicated. Any "label" you put on yourself merely describes something that is already there. You aren't very interested in sex (and your partner seems to be aware of this). That's it. Maybe it's going to change in the future, maybe it isn't.

 

You should definitely be open about your feelings towards the matter, but if I were you, I would simply avoid using any terms if I'm not certain and stick to what I feel. Yet I would stress that it's nothing personal or anything that she did "wrong", it's just that I am not interested in this particular activity.

 

You two seem to do pretty well so far, keep it up :cake:

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