Asexuality vs Anxiety

[somedude1]

Firstly, I am not about to refute or belittle the asexual label. It is brilliant that we have a voice here. However, throughout my reading there has been some debate as to whether some asexuals merely experience extreme social anxiety/fear of intimacy that can be allieviated through the right support. In relation to my personal situation, there is someone who says that they identify as asexual, but they find me attractive in a way they haven't found anyone before. They initiated an intimate cuddling session with me, which is hardly sex I admit, but it was intimate body contact with each other. We are really close personally too. They have a fear of relationships which gives them extreme anxiety. I asked why and they said they were afraid I would "One day leave them." They had a panic attack about me leaving. I've told them that I have no expectations of them and I will not try to change them, however, given their distress I have suggested they seek therapy for their social anxiety/anxiety in general. I said, you may find out you can do intimate relationships afterwards or you may discover that you cannot, either way you discover yourself and you don't lose me, so either way you win. I admit I am confused and get emotional about it, becuase I would absoloutely love to be with them as I think I am in love, so I really want to help. This forum may be biased towards the asexual side rather than possible anxiety, but if anyone has been anywhere similar before in their life and has any tips on how I can help this person that I love, I would be very grateful. 

 

Also, I think I am demi-sexual (very open and willing to have sex only if I am in love) 

 

 

[somedude1]

1 hour ago, OptimisticPessimist said:

Welcome . 

 

It could be that they are only interested in the romantic side of things, and not sexual or could also just be interested in being close platonically (QPR) I would try and have a conversation to see where you both stand.

 

We've had lots of conversations about it and they don't really know where they stand - I'm just wondering how to best help her really? I've reassured them I'm not going away. I'm unsure how platonic their attraction is because of how physical they were with me. We're both confused and I just want to support them emotionally as they find out while trying to keep myself reassured at the same time

[EggplantWitch]

I am both asexual and diagnosed with social anxiety so perhaps I have something useful to contribute - bearing in mind, of course, that everyone is different. I don't know your partner, so I have no idea of knowing if anything I say rings true for them at all!

 

FIrstly: it sounds to me like therapy would indeed be very useful for them. I think it's useful for everyone, but I've been in counselling and therapy for about 4-5 years now and it has helped immensely with managing the irrational fears. They're still there, I'm still medicated for them, but I can do things now I could never have dreamed of before. If your partner can find a good one there's no way it can't benefit them.

 

Secondly, for me, I feel like my asexuality and anxiety are more or less completely separate. Being asexual gives me one more thing to freak out about when the mood strikes but asides from that they're distinct. If I were anxious but not ace I imagine I would desire sex with a close partner but would be held back by a fear of being a disappointment or being too ugly rather than total disinterest. Plus, while my anxiety has diminished throughout my life my level of sexual attraction to anyone or anything has remained at exactly 0. If I woke up tomorrow surging with confidence, I still can't imagine I'd ever find anyone attractive. Anxiety doesn't affect how I'm attracted to other people, it affects how I believe people are attracted to me (i.e. not at all).

 

So overall I would say: your partner having therapy, if they are asexual, will not make them any more or less attracted to you. But it might give them the means to make sense of how complicated feelings and relationships are and give them the confidence to talk to you about them freely.

[StartedWithAQuestion]

+1 on the suggestions about seeing a therapist.  I'd been avoiding it for years knowing full well that I needed help and unfortunately only started seeing one after driving myself into a major depression.  It is through that therapist that i've been able to address a lot of my own doubts and anxiety sources in a useful way, including being guided toward researching asexuality and whether that was something I considered myself to be (hint, I'm finding that answer to be yes).

 

Speaking from personal experience, it is entirely possible to not desire sex or intimate physical contact yet find yourself in a relationship (platonic or intimate) that makes you want something you normally wouldn't.  And there isn't anything wrong with that necessarily.

 

From the sound of things, you're giving exactly what they need from you right now.  You might not be able to give them the answers they're looking for, but you can help them find those answers and in the long run I think it will help both of you figure things out.

[somedude1]

17 hours ago, EggplantWitch said:

I am both asexual and diagnosed with social anxiety so perhaps I have something useful to contribute - bearing in mind, of course, that everyone is different. I don't know your partner, so I have no idea of knowing if anything I say rings true for them at all!

 

FIrstly: it sounds to me like therapy would indeed be very useful for them. I think it's useful for everyone, but I've been in counselling and therapy for about 4-5 years now and it has helped immensely with managing the irrational fears. They're still there, I'm still medicated for them, but I can do things now I could never have dreamed of before. If your partner can find a good one there's no way it can't benefit them.

 

Secondly, for me, I feel like my asexuality and anxiety are more or less completely separate. Being asexual gives me one more thing to freak out about when the mood strikes but asides from that they're distinct. If I were anxious but not ace I imagine I would desire sex with a close partner but would be held back by a fear of being a disappointment or being too ugly rather than total disinterest. Plus, while my anxiety has diminished throughout my life my level of sexual attraction to anyone or anything has remained at exactly 0. If I woke up tomorrow surging with confidence, I still can't imagine I'd ever find anyone attractive. Anxiety doesn't affect how I'm attracted to other people, it affects how I believe people are attracted to me (i.e. not at all).

 

So overall I would say: your partner having therapy, if they are asexual, will not make them any more or less attracted to you. But it might give them the means to make sense of how complicated feelings and relationships are and give them the confidence to talk to you about them freely.

What I'm currently doing is compiling self-help leaflets on social anxiety from the NHS and various mental health charities and putting them in a word document for them to use. Just out of interest, are there any you would reccommend? It is very interesting to know about someone's experiences who also has anxiety and idenitifies as asexual, so thank you for your insight I think my own confusion is I don't know how I feel about sexless relationships because I've never had sex, despite people trying to flirt with me at parties etc, I'm just not interested unless there's emotional connection. I think communication and support is all we can offer each other at the moment and I have seen several other people at university enter sexual "relationships" that you could just tell weren't going to last and inevitibly they didn't, so I believe what I have is more valuable anyway   

[EggplantWitch]

4 hours ago, somedude1 said:

What I'm currently doing is compiling self-help leaflets on social anxiety from the NHS and various mental health charities and putting them in a word document for them to use. Just out of interest, are there any you would reccommend? It is very interesting to know about someone's experiences who also has anxiety and idenitifies as asexual, so thank you for your insight I think my own confusion is I don't know how I feel about sexless relationships because I've never had sex, despite people trying to flirt with me at parties etc, I'm just not interested unless there's emotional connection. I think communication and support is all we can offer each other at the moment and I have seen several other people at university enter sexual "relationships" that you could just tell weren't going to last and inevitibly they didn't, so I believe what I have is more valuable anyway   

Communication and support is a very valuable thing, so it's great you feel like you can both help each other out! I don't have any specific resources, but I can recommend the Counselling Directory if you're in the UK (which I assume from your mention of the NHS) as a good place to start if your partner does decide they want to try therapy. Asides from searching by area you can search by what they specialise in, handy for finding LGBTQ+ friendly professionals who can also help with anxiety. Best of luck to you and your partner.