patscarr

What gives? TW discussion of possible marital rape

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patscarr

Jeesh!  I come here for help and my first post gets deleted without even an explanation.  I spent an hour typing that and was very much looking forward to reading and replying to any comments.  What gives?  Yeah, sure, it was a little controversial, but so what.  We're talking about sex here.

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Chimeric

Hi, welcome to AVEN, where we focus on asexuality.

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Baam

Welcome. Perhaps you should read the Terms of Service? You may have inadvertently broken a rule. You should go here if you want to talk about sex: http://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/137-the-sex-talk/

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InquisitivePhilosopher

Hi! I was in middle of typing the Sex Forum link, too, like @Baam mentioned.

 

The reason why sex talk has its own forum and is generally more freely spoken there, rather than the rest of AVEN, is because some asexuals aren't comfortable reading about sex or sex acts when they're not interested in it and are asexual.

 

I hope that helps.

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Xenobot

I’m pretty sure whenever a moderator has to take action like that they also leave you a PM explaining the situation (the little icon on the top right of the webpage that looks like an envelope leads to your PM inbox). I suppose if you haven’t gotten a message yet it may be because the mods are still discussing it?

 

Here’s a link to the forum rules in case you have trouble finding it: 

 

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sea-lemon

If it's the post of yours that I remember reading, you literally admitted to raping your wife multiple times over the course of your marriage.  That's a ridiculously inappropriate thing to post, so I'm not really sure what you were expecting to happen.

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Evil

What I wrote to your original post still stands. You are a danger to your own family, Seek professional help.

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patscarr
2 hours ago, sea-lemon said:

If it's the post of yours that I remember reading, you literally admitted to raping your wife multiple times over the course of your marriage.  That's a ridiculously inappropriate thing to post, so I'm not really sure what you were expecting to happen.

Yeah, that's the one.  Still no message from a moderator.  The title of this forum has "rantings" in it.  I was ranting and raving, hoping for some advice/help.  I feel cheated and tricked by my asexual wife.  It is worse than if I married a lesbian, because at least they have some sexual feelings.  My wife has ZERO!  She doesn't think anything is wrong.  She thinks she is normal, (and I use that term simply to denote the 97% majority of the population who are heterosexual and because I'm new to this and don't know the more appropriate or acceptable terms yet).  In my deleted post, I laid almost all the cards, very bluntly on the table, in order to give everyone reading it, the exact place I am coming from.

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sea-lemon
1 minute ago, patscarr said:

Yeah, that's the one.  Still no message from a moderator.  The title of this forum has "rantings" in it.  I was ranting and raving, hoping for some advice/help.  I feel cheated and tricked by my asexual wife.  It is worse than if I married a lesbian, because at least they have some sexual feelings.  My wife has ZERO!  She doesn't think anything is wrong.  She thinks she is normal, (and I use that term simply to denote the 97% majority of the population who are heterosexual and because I'm new to this and don't know the more appropriate or acceptable terms yet).  In my deleted post, I laid almost all the cards, very bluntly on the table, in order to give everyone reading it, the exact place I am coming from.

That still doesn't give you the right to do what you did. Ever.

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Telecaster68

Plenty of people pointed out the rape issue, if it's the thread I'm thinking of. Just deleting the thread isn't going to help anyone. 

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Evil
56 minutes ago, patscarr said:

  It is worse than if I married a lesbian, because at least they have some sexual feelings. 

None of which would be towards you.

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Chimeric

I'll reiterate what I originally posted in response to your thread. I tried to be fair the first time, but the repeated nonchalance with which you're approaching the self admission of raping your wife is going to make that really difficult. 

 

Your wife doesn't take pleasure in having sex with you, and if she's asexual, no amount of effort on your part is going to change that. What will absolutely cement her unwillingness to engage with you, ever, will be the numerous attempts to "coerce and force" (as you said) her to do so. Further, in doing this, you're stripping her of her sanctity of self in order to satisfy your own pleasure. You say it's coming from a place of love and a desire to connect to her, but I doubt that tremendously. As I said originally, you think your wife loves you, but I wouldn't be surprised to learn she hates you. She knows you have her trapped in the situation, you mentioned she's sickly, and everything about what you describe is an incredibly vulnerable position for her to be in, which you repeatedly justify by trying to make yourself into the nice guy or the victim of the situation. 

 

Nothing about what you're doing is a healthy expression of love and desire for your wife. 

 

If you actually want to save your relationship and you're not just interested in justifying your abhorrent actions thus far, you're going to have to work really fucking hard.

 

Stop forcing her to sleep with you, first and foremost. 

 

Talk to her. Listen to her. The actual kind of listening,  where you don't get defensive and you don't assume to know what she's going to say and you accept the fact that you very well may have been putting her through hell for the past decade.

 

Take the time to mend the wounds you've inflicted on the person you ostensibly love. 

 

Then - only then - you can talk about your needs from the relationship and how you can achieve your satisfaction. 

 

If she's still unwilling (and as an asexual, the odds of this being true are high), you need to leave. Your solution thus far is unacceptable. Especially since there are children around, and if you think they're ignorant to what is going on, you ought to consider the real possibility that they aren't. 

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patscarr

Thanks Chimeric, that's some good advice that I can work with.  It may come off as nonchalance, but trust me, it isn't.  I'm agonizing over this all the time.  After 16 years of not knowing, and just a couple years of finally being able to put a name to it, asexual, I came and posted to this forum in desperation.  I/we need help.  I just wanted to be honest here.  We, only just came to realize that she is asexual a couple years ago.  And since, I have been trying to understand her better.  Before that, I didn't know what to make of her.  She didn't either.  She thinks it's normal to have zero sexual desire.  I would try and explain it to her, that from my point of view, it isn't.  I (heterosexuals) need sex.  And eventually she would give in and we could do it.  Even now that I know what it is called and have been educating her on the subject, I don't think she 100% believes that there is anything wrong with our situation.  I agree with you.  Our marriage is F***ed up.  Yes, I probably have been putting her through hell, but it was unknowingly.  Look from my perspective, after 15 years of getting the cold shoulder from someone who supposedly loves you, and not knowing why.  Can you imagine?  I would beg and plead with her to have sex, just once this month, but noooo! and with no explanation.  Actually, truthfully, I don't think I want to save this relationship.  I know I would be much happier alone even, than stay with her.  I like the other posters suggestion of having an open relationship better.  That might actually work now that we both know she is asexual. 

 

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Evil
20 minutes ago, patscarr said:

It may come off as nonchalance, but trust me, it isn't.  I'm agonizing over this all the time. 

If you are 100% sincere in your desire to fix this situation then walk into your nearest police station and tell them exactly what you told us in your original post. They will most certainly give you the kind of help you need. 

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Chimeric

I understand that sexuals need sex in order to be fulfilled in their relationship. 

 

However, you seem aware of the fact that you're essentially taking it from someone who is unwilling to give it - is that fulfilling? Are you truly satisfying a need for intimacy, or are you satisfying a need for pleasure? 

 

1 hour ago, patscarr said:

She thinks it's normal to have zero sexual desire.

For some, it is. For her, it most certainly is. Understanding this is going to be pivotal to actually understanding her perspective. 

 

1 hour ago, patscarr said:

Look from my perspective, after 15 years of getting the cold shoulder from someone who supposedly loves you, and not knowing why.  Can you imagine? 

Yes.

 

Do you think it's possible that she was communicating her love for you in other ways that may have been overlooked? Are you focused on the sex to the exclusion of other indicators of love, closeness, and intimacy?

 

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chandrakirti

I didn't read , or even see your original post @patscarr, but if what I read above describing it , is in any way accurate, the further you go from this poor lady the better for both of you. Why she hasn't dobbed you in yet amazes me. Rape is totally unacceptable. If you need sex that badly you would force someone against their will, then you can go pay for it at with a prostitute.

Maybe you're a narcissist and can't handle not being adored sexually or otherwise. Hurting others is not the way. Get a highly sexed woman (or maybe none of them fancy you either?). Maybe it's the mind that is unattractive, so get in there, rummage around a bit and change your mind.

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Telecaster68
1 hour ago, chandrakirti said:

Maybe you're a narcissist and can't handle not being adored sexually or otherwise.

Without in any way condoning rape - if that's what's happened here - not being able to handle your partner not desiring you doesn't make you a narcissist. 

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Vlakorados

I'm not going to judge you, I'm quite sure that both you had a hard time dealing with this situation. This doesn't make rape right of course.

 

I think that you should talk about each other's needs and see if you can find a solution to make both happy. First of all: would she be ok being with you, despite everything that happened between you? Also: would you be ok staying with her, knowing that you'll never have sex with her again? If you can find a solution, you can make it work; otherwise, it would probably be better to go separate ways.

 

17 hours ago, patscarr said:

Actually, truthfully, I don't think I want to save this relationship.  I know I would be much happier alone even, than stay with her.

Talk about it with her. If you think you can't find happiness with her, I don't know if you can do really much about it.

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patscarr
23 hours ago, Chimeric said:

... is that fulfilling?

No.  It is not fulfilling.  My sex life is me watching porn and masturbating, then about once a month she will acquiesce and we will have sex together.  Since she doesn't enjoy it much, neither do I.  But we keep doing it, because I keep hoping something will change and she just wants to please me. 

 

7 hours ago, Vlakorados said:

I'm not going to judge you, I'm quite sure that both you had a hard time dealing with this situation.

Yes, you're right, and yes, I believe she wants to stay together.  I can stay with her.  I mean, we did get married for a reason.  We love each other, we laugh at each other's jokes, we have the same sense of humor, we used to have more in common, but have drifted apart quite a bit. 

 

*Could a moderator please edit the title of this thread to include "Mature Subject Matter" or something appropriate so it doesn't get deleted?  Thanks.

 

 

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Skycaptain

Title edited 

 

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